Believe Like a Child (33 page)

“Alessa, are you okay?” It was Lucy. She had seen the older man go into the bedroom and shut the door. Before Alessa could yell out, she heard Lucy scream in a shrill voice, “Remo!”

Uncle Danny got up off Alessa, made for the door and unlocked it. He looked down at Lucy who was standing right outside and said in a caressing voice, “Well, aren’t you a beauty! I bet all the men want some of you.”

Alessa ran over to the child and wrapped her arms protectively around her. “You dirty motherfucker!” she snarled. “You ruined my life. You took everything from me. You will live in the fires of hell some day! You are a rotten, dirty old man and I hope you die a painful death. God, how I hate you!”

By now, Remo too was standing behind Lucy. He was glaring at Alessa’s uncle with a hatred he had never felt for anyone before.

Rosabella came into the hallway and asked, “What the fuck is going on?” She looked at Uncle Danny. “You leave her the fuck alone!” she warned, gesturing toward Alessa, “If you touch her, I’ll kill you.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” the man retorted. “You better shut your dirty mouth or I’ll tell your mother what you just said to me.”

Rosabella stepped up close to her uncle. “I don’t fucking care what you tell her!” she bit out. “She’s just as evil as you are for allowing Alessa to be victimized. So fuck her too!”

Uncle Danny’s face twisted into an ugly expression. Cocking his head in Alessa’s direction, he declared, “I didn’t rape her.
She
raped me.”

Remo rolled up his fist and struck Danny on the chin, knocking him back into the room. Then he took Alessa and Lucy by the hand and led them back into the rec room. “We need to get the fuck out of here,” he said urgently. “These people are fucking nuts!”

Caterina came bolting into the rec room. “What the hell happened?” she demanded to know. “What is all the commotion about?”

Emotionally exhausted by now, Alessa said listlessly, “Your brother just tried to rape me again. You know, that sex thing that you insisted was affection when I was a kid? Remember, you didn’t believe me at the time?”

Caterina’s mouth hung open. She was unable to utter a single word, as Remo, Lucy, Alessa and Rosabella looked on. Finally, she said, half to herself, “I was a good mother and I took care of my children. I sacrificed my career and stayed home so I could be here for you all the time. I could have gotten a job, but chose to be here for all of you. Do you think that was easy for me? I had to raise four kids on welfare. I want to see you raise four kids on the measly amount of money they give you.”

Alessa said calmly, “You were here in this house all the time, but you were never home. I expected you to help me, to protect me, but you didn’t. You just never came home to us. You were simply physically present in the house and you were useless. It was always about what
you
wanted and needed. You would have sacrificed anything not to go out and get a real job. You sacrificed
me.
I told you what Uncle Danny was doing to me, but you chose not to believe me. You sacrificed me, so you could continue to pay the bills by taking his money month after month. So,
Mother,
you either ignored what that old motherfucker was doing to me or you are just the stupidest woman on earth. Which is it?”

Caterina was silent.

Alessa stared at her mother for a long time. Then she turned to Remo and Lucy, put her hands on her hips and said, “Okay, now, let’s go home. I’ve said all that I needed to.”

Chapter Fifty-Nine

O
n their way back to the car, Remo could clearly see that the face-off with her mother, followed by the encounter with Uncle Danny, had left Alessa flustered and furious.

“You okay?” he asked gently.

“I’d forgotten how much I hated Uncle Danny,” she said with a deep sigh. “I thought there wasn’t much left to learn about him, but when the motherfucker actually touched me, I wanted to rip his heart out! Same with that bitch who pretends to be my mother. I’m glad I came back, though, to see her. I got to defend myself the way I couldn’t all these years and I feel good about that.”

Lucy chimed in from the backseat, “Alessa, we don’t ever have to see them again. I hate your uncle and I hope he dies!”

“Me too!” Alessa agreed.

Remo placed his hand over hers and gave her a look of such profound reassurance it made her feel instantly safe. He flashed her his brilliant smile, then yelled out to the child in the backseat, “What do you say, Luce, shall we get some ice cream?”

“Yeah, baby!” Lucy bellowed in response.

Remo took them to Dairy Queen. While he and Alessa sat at a picnic table, Lucy was busy running around with other kids she had met just minutes earlier.

“How are you feeling?” Remo asked Alessa. “I mean, I know this is a lot for you to swallow and I can see you’re stressed out.”

Alessa started to cry. “I just don’t want to feel like this now,” she wept. “All these years have been so hard for me and now things were finally falling into place. I was starting to feel normal. I feel that by going back to visit my old home, I’ve just opened the door to these demons and am letting them walk back into my life. For the first time in over a year, I feel I’m back where I began, with no control over anything that’s happening to me.”

Remo stood up and took her gently in his arms. “You haven’t lost control of anything, Alessa,” he murmured. “You mustn’t let people make you feel like shit. No one is in control of you, except yourself. You’re not that child anymore who got used and abused; you have complete control over your life now. Besides, you got your chance to tell them both exactly how you felt about them.”

Alessa put her arms around his neck. “You’re right,” she agreed. “How did I manage to live without you all these years?”

“That’s what all my girlfriends ask,” Remo quipped with a smile. “I don’t know how any of you manage without me.”

Alessa pretended to punch him in the stomach. “Oh yeah?” she said playfully. “Is that what all your girlfriends say? Who are these girlfriends you’re talking about?”

Remo kissed Alessa on the neck. “You’re the only girl for me. I’m the envy of every man alive.”

Alessa waved at Lucy who was playing with the kids. “Whatever,” she said, taking Remo’s hand as they headed over to tell Lucy it was time to leave.

On their way back home, Lucy asked, “Your Uncle Danny lives in that house with your mom?”

Alessa threw her a look over her shoulder. “Yeah, the big fucking asshole!”

The following weekend, the three of them met Alessa’s siblings at Capone’s restaurant and enjoyed themselves so much it was hard to believe they had just buried their father a week earlier.

Rosabella said, “Mom was upset that she wasn’t invited here tonight. We figured you wouldn’t want to see her again after what happened last week.”

Alessa shrugged. “She may be your mother,” she said calmly, “but she isn’t mine anymore. She stopped being my mother, when she deliberately turned a blind eye to what her brother was doing to me.”

Anna seemed to suddenly come alive. She was eight years older than Alessa and while she had heard bits and pieces of the accusations made by their youngest sibling a week ago, she wasn’t aware of what had happened to her as a child.

“What does that mean?” she now asked.

Alessa put it bluntly. “Uncle Danny began raping me from the time I was seven. When I told
your
mother, she refused to believe me. That’s why I had to leave home.”

Stunned, Anna didn’t know how to respond, while Anthony pretended to be deaf.

“I had no idea,” Anna said, after she had composed herself. “How the fuck did this happen? We all lived under the same roof. How could this have continued to happen for years without any of us coming to know?”

Anthony looked over at Alessa. “Are you sure?” he said, looking a bit skeptical.

“I don’t know, Anthony,” she replied, trying in vain to keep her voice even. “Your uncle stuck his dick into my vagina when I was seven years old. Is that rape or not?
You
tell me. What the fuck do you mean, am I sure?”

Regretting his callous response, Anthony tried to appease his sister. “Calm down. I was just asking a question. You know sometimes things happen and people blow them out of proportion. It’s a shock hearing all this and I just wanted to be sure. Uncle Danny was good to everyone. When we were kids, we wouldn’t have had anything, if it weren’t for him. He was the one who gave Mom money to run the house and pay the mortgage on it. It’s just hard for me to believe he would do something so nasty.”

Alessa forced herself to be calm, because she wanted to sound far more confident than she felt. “He didn’t buy all those things for us and give all that money to ‘dear old Mom’ for nothing. He was getting something in return and
I
was that something. I don’t really care if you believe me or not, Anthony. I don’t care if none of you believe me. I know what happened. I know what he did. And I know that the woman who was supposed to protect me allowed it to happen so she could ‘make ends meet’.”

A heavy silence fell over the table.

Finally, Rosabella spoke up. “Let’s just drop it for now,” she suggested tactfully. “This isn’t going anywhere or making anything better. But for the record, I believe you, Alessa.”

Lucy sat up in her chair and said boldly, “I believe you too.”

The rest of the dinner was tense, as Remo tried to carry the conversation with non-family-related topics. He had the gift of the gab and it helped them all to get through a very awkward evening.

As they were leaving, Alessa hugged each of her siblings. When it was Anthony’s turn, he said to her quietly, “It’s just hard to believe this about him. He’s always been so good to us.”

Not wanting to cause another scene, Alessa held her rage in check. Without uttering another word to him, she turned to give Anna a hug. Her oldest sister held her tightly. “We’ll see you soon, right?” she asked hopefully.

Alessa nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

As they headed back to the city, Remo said, “I can understand why you left home, Alessa. I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard your own brother doubting your word. I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!”

Alessa leaned back into the seat of the car. “Welcome to my world,” she said, half in jest, “the world of denial. But you know, it’s not like I expected to get much support from them. I mean, sure, it really pissed me off, but I learned not to expect much from them a long time ago. I just want to go home now, Remo. That’s all.”

Lying awake in bed that night, Alessa thought back to her experience with her uncle a week ago, to the familiar feeling of loathing that his touch had aroused in her. The look on his face was, however, quite different from the one she had been used to seeing when she lived in her parents’ house. His expression seemed to suggest that he was caught between twin desires: to kill her or to fuck her. Maybe, he wanted both. Then Alessa thought of her mother and wondered what she had ever done as a child to make her become so vile. Maybe Caterina was in love with Uncle Danny and, therefore, jealous of her? Her thoughts, restless, morbid and extreme, twisted and turned that night in a way so sick, they made her feel disoriented and lost. Grappling with them for hours, she just couldn’t lay them to rest. Finally, at two in the morning, she got out of bed and called Ebby.

When Ebby answered the phone, her voice was groggy with sleep. But the moment she recognized Alessa’s voice, she panicked. “What is it, Alessa?” she asked, alarmed. “What’s happened? Are you and Lucy okay? Where’s Remo?”

Alessa laughed, warmed by the thought that even if her mother didn’t love her, there were other people who cared. “Everyone is fine, Ebby,” she reassured her. “I had an awful evening that wound me up tight. And since I wasn’t able to sleep, I thought maybe you’d be up and I could talk to you. I’m sorry I woke you up. I’ll let you go so you can go back to bed.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Ebby said, feigning indignation. “You wake me up, then want to go? I actually just got to sleep about a half an hour ago. You know me; I do my finest work in the middle of the night.”

Alessa laughed. Then she related the details of the evening she had spent with her siblings. Ebby was already aware of the previous week’s fiasco with Caterina and Danny. She listened patiently without interrupting Alessa even once.

Then she said, “Alessa, your mother and your uncle have given you enough grief. If your own family doesn’t believe you, well, that’s just too bad. It sounds like Rosabella has some sense, though. Maybe, even Anna does. As for your brother, well, people just say the wrong thing sometimes. Especially when they have to face ugly truths that are beyond their imagination. There’s a chance he’s feeling guilty, because he didn’t protect you from Danny. Or maybe, he still has such a high opinion of your uncle that he’s struggling to come to terms with the idea that Danny could have done something so barbaric. You may never get to know what kind of dilemma Anthony is going through, but you shouldn’t ever let it affect how you feel about yourself.
You
know what happened to you. Just because someone else isn’t convinced about it doesn’t change the truth.”

“I know, Ebby,” Alessa said sadly. “I knew they would be shocked, but I thought they would at least believe me.”

Ebby sighed deeply. “You’re a smart and capable woman, Alessa. I’m not sure why you continue to expect certain responses from people when your instinct tells you otherwise. As for your uncle, he will burn in hell with the other maggots of the earth. Your mom…well, we’ve discussed this. I would say she isn’t quite right in the head or just plain evil or maybe, just stupid, like you said. As for your siblings, it’s up to them to come to terms with it on their own. They are either with you or they’re not. There is no middle of the road on this one, Alessa. Accept this and move on. You have a good life now. Don’t slide backward. Keep your eyes focused on the road ahead.”

Alessa thanked Ebby for being such a patient listener and giving such sound advice. Until she met her family again, Alessa had been, over the past year, resolving her issues, coming to terms with what had happened to her and preparing to put it all behind her. But their incredulous reaction to her story had set her back, making her feel as if she were to blame for everything that had happened to her. She had begun to question her own perspective, her take on the past. Had she provoked her Uncle Danny into raping her? She had loved him so much, maybe, too much, and maybe, just maybe, she had brought it all on herself? She couldn’t discount the wisdom of what Ebby had said, however. Alessa knew she must never look back. Looking back would simply lead her to believe that God was punishing her for all the sleazy things she had done over the last four years. After all, what was she, but a whore? Nothing Ebby or Remo could say would ever change that fact.