Believing Lies (35 page)

You’re breaking my heart
.

Good. I hope it fucking shatters
.

In a red haze, I wreaked destruction. I couldn’t stop myself, even if I wanted. When the red finally cleared, I was huffing, and my whole body was buzzing.

“Sienna, open this goddamn door!” Sophie yelled, jiggling the locked doorknob.

I looked around my room and cringed. Clothing and hangers were everywhere, everything from the top of my dresser was broken, and the drawers were ripped open. My curtains, along with the rod, were on the floor also. I didn’t even remember pulling them down. I also didn’t remember locking my door. Subconsciously, I must’ve known that I was going to have a breakdown and that Sophie would try to intervene.

I tore off the corners of my fitted bed sheet and brought them together, incasing all of the other bedding in a makeshift sack. It was bulky, so I threw it over my shoulder. I opened my door, and came face-to-face with a very worried Sophie.

“You scared me!” She peeked over my shoulder, and her eyes widened when she saw what was left of my room. She pointed at the bundle of bedding on my shoulder. “Do I even want to know what you’re doing?”

“I’m taking out the trash,” I snapped.

She sighed heavily and said, “Makes sense, I guess. Cheaper than a diamond ring down the toilet.”

I glared at her. “Cracking jokes? Really?”

She put up her hands in defense. “It’s what I do.”

She backed up, so I could get into the hallway. The bedding was so bulky that I bumped into the wall. Sophie came to my aid, and with her help, I made my way through our apartment door and down the hall. I shoved all of my bedding piece-by-piece down the garbage chute until I held the final pillow. Lifting it to my face, I took one last inhale, letting the familiar sent calm my frazzled nerves. Tears welled behind my eyes, but with a clogged throat, I swallowed them back and tossed the pillow down the chute.
Goodbye, Adam
. Even my internal voice sounded choked up.

***

Because my room was a Class-A cluster fuck, I ended up sleeping with Sophie. When I woke up, it was five o’clock in the evening, and she was no longer next to me. I found her watching TV in the living room.

“Good morning. Um, I mean evening,” I said groggily, sitting down on the chair and pulling my feet up under me. “I can’t believe I slept so late.”

“I just woke up about an hour ago. I guess an emotional night requires some extra z’s.”

“I guess so,” I agreed quietly, pushing everything else I was feeling to the backburner. “I’m really sorry about causing problems between you and Conner.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

I responded by tilting my head toward her.

“Seriously. We worked it out last night. He’s still pretty mad, but he understands. I actually just hung up with him a few minutes ago.” She hesitated. “Adam’s still passed out, in case you were wondering.”

I shook my head. “I wasn’t.”
Liar
.

“I know you’re really, really hurt right now, and he deserves to be castrated, but do you think that maybe what he said last night was all bullshit?”

“Do you?” I honestly wanted to hear her opinion.

“Yeah, I do.” She crossed her legs under her and turned off the TV. “Conner explained to me that Adam lashes out when he’s hurt.” She hesitated before adding, “He told me about Adam’s mom.”

“He told you about that?”

“Yeah.” She flashed me a grim look. “Conner and I think he said everything to hurt you because, in his mind, you had hurt him. Conner said that after Adam’s mom died, he went off the deep end, lashing out at everyone and alienating himself. Apparently, it got really bad and he self-destructed.”

As much as I wanted to not care, to not feel anything for Adam, my insides ached at the thought of how hard it must’ve been for him to deal with the death of his mom. I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain he must have endured.

“I can’t think about this right now.” My voice was strained. “Can we please change the subject?”

“Not yet. Just let me finish,” she said. I exhaled in defeat. “A blind person can see that he really does love you.” My body stiffened, but she either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “Why else would he have gotten so drunk in the first place? If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have cared if you’d been cheating on him. He was really wasted, and—”

I put my hand up to stop her from continuing. “Yes, he was drunk, but that doesn’t change anything.” I bit my lip to control my rising temper. “He probably got drunk because thinking I’d cheated was a blow to his ego; nothing else.” She looked as if she was going to interrupt me, but I kept going before she could. “I got played by a master player,” I stated, my tone flat. “Does it kill me? Yes. You have no idea how much.” My voice cracked a little, but I took a second and removed all emotion from it. “But I need to move on, and all that matters now is the baby.”

“I know, but—”

“End of subject,” I interjected sharply and stood up. “After I take a shower I’m going to go buy my third set of bedding.”

“I’ll come with you,” she offered.

I temporarily let go of my anger. After all, it wasn’t really Sophie I was mad it. “I appreciate the offer, but I think I’m just going to go by myself,”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.”

“You’ve already had to do this with me before. Stay home and relax. I won’t be gone long.”

I showered and got ready quickly. I didn’t care how I looked, so I threw my hair up in a messy bun and dressed in some yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I didn’t bother with makeup. Why put a new coat of paint on a broken down building? I put on my lightweight jacket, and called out a “goodbye” to Sophie before leaving.

At the store, I purchased two oversized feather pillows, a deep crimson duvet set, along with matching curtains, sheets, and a coordinating lamp shade. My room would look completely different, which was exactly what I wanted.

My stomach growled as I walked past the food court, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten today.
Not smart
. One hamburger and side salad later, I was ready to go home. Pulling onto the road, I turned on the radio. “I Knew You Were Trouble” by Taylor Swift filled my car. I cranked up the volume and sang along at the top of my lungs. This song would be my new anthem.

I had to leave the curtains and pillows in the car until I could make a separate trip because my hands were full with the bedding, and the lampshade was on my head like a hat. My phone rang while I was in the elevator, causing my heart to stop for a second. I couldn’t help myself from wondering if it was Adam. There was no way I could reach it in my pocket without dropping my bags. I exited the elevator and walked to the apartment quickly, wanting to get inside, so I could check my phone.

I set down the bags in front of the door, so I could get out my keys and phone. The missed call was from Sophie. I didn’t bother to listen to the voicemail since I’d see her in two seconds.

“Sophie, I’m home,” I yelled as I entered, using my best Ricky Ricardo impersonation. I put my bags on the couch and removed the lampshade from my head. Within seconds, she came out of her bedroom with Conner hot on her heels. Seeing Conner made me think of Adam. I’d need to get used to seeing him without the automatic correlation.

“I just tried to reach you.” Her voice had a hint of panic.
Weird
.

“I saw. What’s up?”

“Adam’s in your room.”

“What?” I sputtered in complete disbelief.

“I wanted to warn you before you got home, so you could prepare yourself,” she explained.

“Why did you let him in?”

She looked apprehensive to answer. “He has a lot of questions about the baby, and I don’t think I’m the one to answer them. He may have acted like the biggest jack-hole in the universe, and I know you don’t want to see him, but he deserves to know more about the baby.”

She had a point. It was my mess to deal with, not hers. “Fine,” I conceded, softly “But I need to put these in the washer first.” I just wanted a couple minutes to calm my nerves before seeing him.

“I’ll do it. He obviously heard you’re home. He’ll just come out here if you try to stall.”

I squared my shoulders and took a deep breath before walking to my room. I stared at the door for a moment before opening it. My small amount of preparation was blown to crap when I saw Adam sitting on my desk chair. Other than his bloodshot eyes and the tired look on his face, he looked pretty amazing. Then I noticed his hand, which was taped up from hitting his wall.
I hope it still hurts like hell
.

Closing the door and leaning back against it, I crossed my arms in front of my chest. I wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. He gave me a tentative half-smile.
Really? He thinks he can smile at me?
I kept my face completely stoic.

The smile faded from his face. “Sorry to just drop by, but I wasn’t sure if you would answer my calls.”

“I wouldn’t have.” My voice was firm.

“Look, I know a lot of shit went down yesterday, and you’re upset. The state of your room gives me a good idea of just how upset you are, and you have every right to be.”
Yes, I do
. He leaned forward and pulled his hands down his face. “I’m so sorry, Princess. I lost my head. The idea of you sleeping with him was just too much to bear.”

His eyes were flashing pain. I almost crossed the room and wrapped my arms around him. I wanted to erase the hurt I saw on his face. It killed me to see it.

“I love you, Princess.”

You’re being fooled again, Sienna. How can you be so naïve?
I pursed my lips at my own stupidity. Of course he thinks an “I love you” and a couple of thought out looks could hook me. Not anymore. I was done being manipulated.

“Just stop!” I retorted sharply. “I don’t want to hear any of it. Sophie said you wanted to talk about the baby.” I put my hands on my hips. “Gotta say, I’m surprised you even give a crap. Or are you here to tell me you want nothing to do with the baby?”

His eyes snapped to mine. “Why would you say that?” he asked incredulously.

“Gee, maybe because last night you used the expression ‘dodging a bullet’ before you knew it was your baby. Or maybe because you smashed your fist into a wall when you found out it was yours.”

“I punched the wall because—”

I put up my hand. “I don’t want to hear it. What do you want to know about the pregnancy?”

He sighed so long it sounded like he was deflating. “Let’s start with when?”

“When? Care to elaborate?” I held up my hand a second time. “Never mind. Let’s see . . . For starters, I’m due on May ninth because I got pregnant the
first
time we slept together. I found out when I kept getting sick and missed my period. Obviously, it wasn’t the flu after all.”

“You’ve known that long?” he asked, his voice suddenly risen.

“How long I’ve known doesn’t really matter anymore, Adam.”

“It fucking matters to me. Didn’t you think for one second that I had a right to know?” he admonished.

“Yes.”

I watched his face scrunch up as if he was figuring out a puzzle in his head. “You drank on Halloween,” he stated, disgust in his words.

“No, I didn’t,” I clarified, ashamed that I’d led him to believe I had.

His eyes darkened. “I saw you.”

“It was non-alcoholic beer. I would never do that.”

“But you purposely deceived me into thinking you were. Jesus Christ. You’ve been going out of your way to hide this from me.” He ran his hand through his hair and rested it on the back of his neck. “How could you?” he accused.

I just stood there, overcome with shame.

“I came over here to beg for your forgiveness, thinking everything was my fault.” His eyes looked so tense. “But you are just as much to blame as I am. I never imagined that you’ve known this whole time and deliberately kept me in the dark. I thought you just found out recently and hadn’t had an opportunity to tell me yet.”

“For hiding it from you, I’m truly sorry. That’s the one thing I wish I could change.”

His face softened marginally, and I watched him take a calming breath. “I listened to your voicemail before I came here. Are those really the reasons you didn’t tell me?”

“Yes,” I admitted softly. “I didn’t tell you because I saw two possible outcomes, and both scared the shit out of me. I was in love with you and was terrified I’d lose you once you knew, but I also worried that you would stay with me for the wrong reasons.”

“Didn’t you have any faith in me at all?”

“I did, but I wanted to be absolutely sure of your feelings first.” I let out a dry laugh as my anger came back in full force. “But now I see what an idiot I was. My reasons didn’t matter. I can’t lose someone I never really had, and I can’t have someone stay with me who was only pretending to be there in the first place. And there were never any real feelings on your side, so that was a lost cause too.”

“Dammit, Princess. I didn’t mean anything I said last night.”

“Don’t. Just don’t.” My words came out as more of a plea than a command.

“My heart had just been fucking ripped out of my chest!” he yelled, rising from the chair. He looked at my ceiling while I stood rooted in place, emotions reeling. He brought his eyes to mine and captured my gaze. “I wanted to hurt you,” he admitted, his voice low. “I wanted you to feel what I was feeling, so I lied. You have to believe me.” He looked vulnerable, as if my answer could make or break him.

“I don’t believe you,” I said with absolutely no emotion at all. “I’ve answered your questions. Now go.”

“No.” The wave of sadness that crossed his face seemed genuine.

“I want you out of my life, Adam,” I told him with much more conviction in my voice than I felt. In actuality, the whole sentence was a lie. I didn’t want him out of my life, but I wished I did.

“And the baby, do you want me out of the baby’s life too? Cause that’s not an option.”

“No,” I answered honestly. “You can be in the baby’s life as much or as little as you want.” I looked at my feet and said, “I would never take that from you.”

“I won’t lose you, Princess.” He said it as if it was a fact, and he just wanted to let me in on the knowledge. “I fucked up.” My eyes raised to his. “But then again, so did you. If you had just trusted in me, trusted in us, last night would have never happened.” He stood up and pushed in my chair. I looked at him, looking at me.