Bend Me, Break Me (23 page)

“And I have a tendency to overstay my welcome, laugh too loud and not pick up on social cues.” This time when she smiled, I saw that she had a dimple. She was a frenetic ball of energy, but I couldn’t help but warm to her. Even with all the shit going on in my head, she was a beam of light that had somehow cut through.

“That’s okay. I’m almost completely socially inept and out of practice actually interacting with other people, so I’d say we’re a good match.” She gave me a thumbs up and then took my cup, went to the bathroom, washed it and then brought it back.

“Okay, well, I’ll get out of your hair. I hope you’re feeling better and if you need anything, I’m just down the hall. Just ignore my roommate.” She started to leave, but I told her that she didn’t have to go.

“I mean, you can if you want to, but if you wanted to hang out as well, you can. No pressure or anything.” Yes, I was severely out of practice with social interaction.

“Really? You don’t mind? I should be doing homework, but I already did four hours of studying and my brain is totally fried. I don’t get a whole lot of time to just do nothing.” I slid over on my bed and patted the space next to me. She hopped up next to me and grabbed the remote.

“You want to know the last time I watched a movie? Like… maybe sometime in the summer? Definitely not since school has started. I get an episode of a show every now and then, but a movie is too much time. I don’t even know what’s playing or what’s out or anything.” She sighed and made herself comfortable, as if she’d hung out with me a dozen times.

“You can pick whatever you want,” I said as she turned on the television and flipped around so fast that I couldn’t even tell what was on before she’d moved on. Everything Lacey did seemed frenetic, as if she functioned at a faster pace than any other human I’d ever met.

“Oh, I love this movie,” she said, turning the volume up.

“What is it?” I asked, tentative.

“
Never Been Kissed.
Although, I always thought the reason that Josie couldn’t get a guy was that she was into girls, but whatever. All I want is a romantic comedy with lesbians, but I guess that’s too much to ask.” Whoa. I had to think for a second and figure out what the hell I was supposed to say to that.

“Um, I like this movie,” I said and Lacey grinned.

“Sorry. I’m not very subtle, am I? Also, I’m not hitting on you either.” I gaped at her and she just laughed at me and then patted my shoulder.

“It’ll be okay. I don’t bite.” She turned back to the movie and my mind swirled. No one had ever been that… open with me about something like that before. Living in Maine, my friend group had been very white, very straight and we’d all had the same views on most things. There wasn’t anything wrong with it, it was just how things happened.

“So, um, you’re…” I didn’t know what the correct term was.

“A lesbian. A girl who kisses girls. Gay. Queer. Whatever.” She shrugged one shoulder and kept her eyes on the screen. “Just don’t call me a dyke. Then I’ll get upset.”

“I wouldn’t. I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what I was apologizing for.

“No prob. I probably should have used some more tact, but when you have to come out, like, all the time, you get tired of making the same old speech, so I’ve been experimenting with different ways.” I still didn’t know what to say and I could feel that my face was totally red. She’d definitely pushed my problems and issues aside for the time being and I guess I had to be grateful to her for that at least.

“You should see your face right now. It’s priceless. Calm down, Ingrid. You’re kinda uptight sometimes, you know that?” I didn’t think I was uptight, but I guess I was next to someone like Lacey who didn’t seem to have a bit of embarrassment in her entire body.

“It’s cool. I mean, love is love, right?” I tried to laugh and she gave me a smile.

“Damn right it is.” We both turned back to the movie and watched as Drew Barrymore tried not to flirt with her teacher and failed.

“This movie is actually kind of creepy, when you think about it. I mean, Drew is twenty-five and this kid is what, seventeen? I mean, I’m no cop, but I’m pretty sure that’s not legal in a bunch of states,” she said.

“Huh,” I said. “I’d never actually thought about that, but you’re totally right. Gross.” She made a face at me and I laughed.

“There we are. I knew you could lighten up.”

It was incredible. Not long before I’d been in the bathroom throwing up and here I was now, laughing with a girl I barely knew. Life was bizarre sometimes.

Even though it was quite late, she stayed with me and watched the whole movie, even getting up to grab a few of my snacks.

“Vegan? Oh, are you vegan?” she asked.

“Yup.”

“Cool, that’s awesome. I’d love to do that, but my first love is cheese, so that’s not going to happen. Unless somehow in the future science perfects an artificial cheese that tastes and acts exactly like regular cheese. Then I’d be fine with being vegan.” It was true that I missed cheese, but the longer I lived without the real thing, the harder it was for me to remember what it tasted like and miss it.

I told her so and she nodded.

“Makes sense.”

In my previous life, my friends had made fun of me being vegan. They’d try to get me to eat pizza or whatever because I guess they thought it was funny. It wasn’t until I got real upset that they cut it out. Lila had never done that, which was one of the reasons I’d been so close with her.

If I was totally honest, I missed her. I missed sleepovers and making pancakes the next morning and pool parties and texting during classes and always having someone who had my back.

I’d cut everyone off because it hurt too much to keep them around. And they hadn’t known how to deal with everything. That I couldn’t blame them for, but it still made it impossible for me to keep them around at the time. I couldn’t stand the way they looked at me. The hushed way they spoke to me. And then there was the fact that they talked about me like I wasn’t standing right next to them. The whole thing was just insult on top of injury and there was only so much I could deal with, so my friends were the first I dropped.

“Well that was fun,” Lacey said, stretching her arms up until her shoulders popped. I winced at the sound. “If you wanna do this again, I’m on board. Or if you wanted to do homework together or something. I study a lot, and you’re welcome anytime. I’m not super good at focusing on most things, but I can study for hours straight with no problem.” I wished I had that ability. I seemed to get distracted unless the subject was riveting, which it often wasn’t. Plus, a lot of my thoughts had been distracted by Coen and it was hard to shake thinking about him, especially when he was sitting right next to me.

“Yeah, sure,” I said and then realized she had no way to get in touch with me, unless we saw each other in the dorms. So I told her my number and she typed it into her phone. A few seconds later, she sent me a message and I added her number. Despite my best efforts not to rejoin the great wide world, but I kept getting pulled back in. I could only fight it for so long, I guess.

Lacey said goodnight and I picked up my phone, reading the messages Coen had sent me. I could feel his hurt in the simple words. Sighing and hoping he was still up, I called him. I couldn’t do this via text.

He picked up after only one ring.

“Hey, Ingrid. I’ve been going crazy. Are you okay? I’ve had to stop myself from just showing up at your door so many times. Marty said he was going to tie me to the bed.” I heard Marty yell something in the background and I got the gist that it was somewhat sexual.

“I’m okay. Well, I’m not, really. I just got a phone call that just brought everything up that I’m always trying not to think about. I’m sorry I just left and didn’t explain to you but I needed some time.” He let out a long breath and then was silent for a few seconds.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m just glad you’re okay. I was seriously worried about you, Ingrid.” I could tell. I’d been worried that he was worried and I felt like shit about it, but I hadn’t known what to do in the moment.

“I’m sorry.” He interrupted me.

“I know that you need your time. I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. But if you could just, like, tell me when you need a moment and that it has nothing to do with me, that would be fine. Totally fine.” He was right. I shouldn’t have just left him hanging like that.

“Okay, that’s a deal. That’s what friends do, right?” He sort of laughed.

“Sure. But I think our version of friendship is completely different than any kind of friendship I’ve ever been in.” That made me smile a little.

“Same.” The tension melted and we were back to our easy banter.

“Is it totally cliché if I don’t want to hang up?” he asked a little while later. I was wide awake and had no intention of going to sleep anytime soon. I had too much going on in my head and pumping through my blood. I wanted to get up and walk around, or clean my entire room or do all my homework for the next week. Instead I got up and made myself another cup of tea and then some oatmeal. My stomach was still sore and my abs hurt like I’d done a bunch of crunches, but I couldn’t ignore my hunger anymore.

“No, I don’t want to either. But we probably should. I don’t want to keep you from going to sleep.”

“You’re not. I’m too keyed up to go to bed right now.” I could tell. There was an energy in his voice that I knew was in mine as well.

“We could do something. I mean, I don’t know what, but we could do something.” Suddenly leaving my room and going out with Coen seemed like a good idea. Reckless and good.

“You want to? Are you sure I wouldn’t be keeping you up?” I shook my head, but obviously he couldn’t see me.

“Not at all. I have an insomnia problem, remember?” It was useless to deny it anymore.

“Right. Well, how about I pick you up in about ten minutes in front of your building and we’ll… I don’t know. We’ll do something.” I was suddenly excited and wiped my palms on my jeans.

“Cool. See you in a few.” We hung up and I crammed the oatmeal in my mouth. I might regret it later, but right now all I could think about was seeing Coen.

I wasn’t thinking about the voicemail or
him
or the trial or my family. That had all been shoved into a box and put in the back of my mind and I was fine with that. It was… liberating.

She was wearing my jacket when I pulled up in front of her building. She looked so good wearing in it that I had to remember to breathe. God, she was fucking gorgeous. I did notice that she was a little paler than normal once she got in the car, but other than that, she seemed fine.

“Hey,” she said, grinning at me.

“Hey, Ing,” I said and then she gave me a look. The nickname had just slipped out. I hadn’t even meant to say it.

“Ing?” she asked.

“Sure. Why not? It’s cute.” Like her.

She laughed and raked her hair back.

“Sure, why not?” I had to clench the steering wheel to keep from touching her, but I wasn’t going to let it go unnoticed that she looked damn good in my jacket.

“That looks a million times better on you than it ever did on me.” She’d rolled up the sleeves so she could use her hands, but it was still too big for her. In an oh-so-sexy way.

“So, where to?” I asked. I wanted to do whatever she wanted. She threw her head back and laughed.

“I don’t care. Take me anywhere. Anywhere.” She closed her eyes and I started to drive.

“Anywhere it is.”