Bend Me, Break Me (20 page)

It was almost Halloween when Coen spoke to me again. It was accidental. I hadn’t been paying attention and ended up leaving class at the same time he did.

“Sorry,” he said, stepping back to let me go through the door ahead of him.

“It’s okay,” I said, stammering and blushing. He just gave me a sad look. I walked through and turned to say something to him. I just couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“What?” he said, and it was like our roles had reversed. Instead of being the one being chased, I was doing the chasing. I hated the look on his face.

“I’m sorry. But this is the way it has to be,” I said. The words were disgusting in my mouth. I didn’t believe them. He didn’t believe them. But what else was I going to say?

He clenched his jaw and looked away from me. I almost thought he was going to cry. I was a horrible excuse for a human being.

“I don’t understand how you can hurt me this much, Ingrid. You just… I don’t understand it. I don’t understand you.” His eyes met mine and it was like being shot with an ice-cold bullet, right to my heart. I didn’t know I could still feel like this. That my already-dead heart could still beat and function and care about someone else.

“Well, that makes two of us,” I said and I couldn’t stare directly at him anymore. It hurt too much to see him hurting and knowing I had caused it.

“Can we just… talk? Please?” His voice cracked on the ‘please’ and it nearly broke me in half. I closed my eyes and knew I was going to regret saying it, but I did it anyway.

“Yes.”

After weeks of absolutely nothing, I thought maybe Ingrid had forgotten about me. Marty thought there was something seriously wrong with me and tried to get me to go out and find someone new, but I refused. No one would replace Ingrid. It wasn’t possible. There was no one out there like her. Not in this world, not in any other. Even if I looked a thousand years, I wouldn’t find another girl like her. She was it and I didn’t want anyone else, even if I could no longer have her.

I’d thought that after the initial freeze out, she’d relent, but she only strengthened her resolve against me. I kept trying, but even I had to recognize that she wasn’t budging.

I’d gone home for October break and my mom had remarked how pale and out of sorts I’d seemed. She thought it was due to the Maine weather, or being away from everything I’d known. She begged me to come home, but I told her I was going to stick it out. She’d taught me not to give up and I wasn’t throwing in the towel yet. Even if Ingrid wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I was going to tell her anyway. Somehow.

It was complete coincidence that she finally said something to me. I hadn’t even seen her getting to the top of the steps and suddenly there she was.

And then she spoke and I seized my moment. I was still pretty pissed at her for doing what she did with no explanation, but if she’d asked me to lay down in the road and get run over by a fucking bus, I would have done it. It was ridiculous what I would do for this girl.

She was silent as we walked to the coffee shop where we’d talked that first day. Without asking, I went to the counter and ordered her a peppermint tea and got myself a green tea. I didn’t need coffee jitters right now. I had to be as calm and stable as I could.

When I came back with the drinks I realized that she was pale and sleep-deprived again. I wondered if it had anything to do with me and hoped that it didn’t. I never wanted to be the one who caused her to look like that, no matter what she did to me in return.

I handed her the tea without a word and sat down, leaning back in my chair. She folded her hands around the cup, as if she was cold. To be fair, Maine was heading toward winter and she didn’t have any gloves on. I wished I had an extra pair in my bag to give her.

“So,” she finally said, after taking a sip.

“So,” I replied. She took a deep breath and pushed the tea away, looking up at me at last. Beautiful eyes and dark circles. Oh, Ingrid.

“I really am sorry for being such an asshole. I thought about getting you another card, but then I would have had to talk to you and I didn’t want to. It hurt too much.” I gripped the edge of the table so hard that it ground into the bones of my fingers.

“If it hurt so much, then why did you do it?” I knew why she had. Dozens of times I had thought about just showing up at her room and telling her everything. Telling her that I knew all about why she pushed me away. That I knew what had happened. That the details and pictures were burned in my memory and I couldn’t forget them. That I had come here for her.

“Because I thought I had to,” she said. At least that wasn’t another bullshit lie.

“Why,” I said, my voice harsh. Even though I knew it wasn’t fair to be angry with her for not trusting me when I was keeping my own from her. It was totally messed up but, I wanted her to trust me. To tell me.

I shoved that aside and looked at her.

“Because I was scared. Because I am scared. I didn’t want this to happen. I stayed away from people so this didn’t happen, Coen. And then you just pushed and pushed and I couldn’t say no to you. You’re too charming for your own good.” I almost missed the little smile that she gave me.

“I am?” I asked and she rolled her eyes. Finally a moment of non-seriousness. I hadn’t been trying to be charming when I did all those things. I was just trying to get her to talk to me, by any means necessary.

“You know you are. Between the eyes and the hair and the little presents? Are you kidding?” I opened my mouth and then closed it, smiling like crazy. Just one little compliment from her and I was on top of the fucking world. Like she flipped a switch inside me.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I said and she smiled again before biting her lip and taking another sip of tea. We’d spent weeks apart and yet we’d fallen right back into talking to one another. Easy. So easy.

“I know you’re pissed at me and you have every right to be,” she said and the mood shifted again.

“I’m not pissed at you. Okay, maybe a little. I just want you to trust me, and I don’t know how to make that happen. It seems like no matter what I do, nothing is good enough for you, Ingrid.”

She started to say something and then closed her mouth and nodded.

“You’re right. I want to trust you and I want to let you in, but I don’t know how and I’m scared. What if you hurt me?” Her voice got small and I reached across the table for her hand. She didn’t pull back and let me wrap my fingers around hers.

“I wish I could promise that’s not going to happen, but I can’t, Ingrid. I can’t give you that kind of guarantee. All I can promise is to do everything I can to try to not to hurt you.” This was one of those moments when the weight of what I was keeping from her slammed into my shoulders and squeezed my lungs and threatened to kill me.

I was a selfish asshole. Sitting there with her like this and demanding her truth while withholding mine. Selfish, selfish, fucking asshole.

“I guess that’s all I can ask?” she said, but she didn’t seem sure. “I still don’t know if I can go through this with you, Coen, but I think I want to try. These past few weeks have been awful and even if we’re just friends, I want you in my life.” Just friends. We’d never really been just friends, but if that was what made her comfortable, I’d do it. I’d do whatever she wanted me to.

“We can do that. Just friends. I promise. Hands off,” I said, letting go of her hand and putting both of mine in the air.

She laughed a little.

“I’ll believe that when I see it, but sure. Just friends. No touching and no kissing and no… doing things that are non-friend like. We can sit together and hang out, but anything other than that, I think we should draw the line. Okay?” I waited a moment before I agreed because I didn't’ want to seem too eager.

“Done,” I said, holding my hand out. “We have to shake on it. And then after that no touching.” She sighed but shook my hand and then drew hers back.

“We’re both missing class,” she said.

“What a shame. What shall we do with ourselves?” I said.

“I don’t know,” she replied with a shrug.

“Do you want to give a walk another go?” I asked. “Maybe not in the woods this time. Just around campus.” It was chilly and it seemed like a good idea to get some color into her pale cheeks.

“Sure,” she said and we set off. There were plenty of other students on their way to and from classes and so forth, but I could only think about her.

“So what’s been going on since we last talked?” I asked, trying to be casual.

“A whole lot of nothing,” she said. “But I think you knew that.”

“I didn’t know for sure, but I don’t know what you do when you’re alone. Maybe you have a secret hobby or something.” She gave me a shocked look and I remembered she did have a secret hobby, but I hadn’t even been talking about her poetry.

“Maybe I do,” she said, recovering smoothly.

“Can I guess what it is?” I asked as we waited in the crosswalk for it to be safe to go.

“I’m not going to tell you if you’re right,” she said.

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll know if I get it right. You’re not as good at hiding your facial expressions as you think you are.” She looked scandalized and swatted me on the arm.

“No touching,” I said, reminding her and admonishing her with one finger.

“Shut up. Go ahead and guess. You’re going to get it wrong.” I wasn’t going to guess what I already knew. This was all about getting her to laugh and feel comfortable with me again.

I rubbed my hands together.

“Your secret hobby is knitting.” She shook her head. “Crocheting?” That earned me an eye-roll.

“What? Those are legitimate hobbies.”

“You’re making me sound like an old lady.” I pretended to act offended.

“I will have you know that knitting is super hip.” She scoffed so I tried again.

“Painting? Collages? Graffiti?” She shot them all down and I tried some that were more outrageous.

“Grand theft auto? Robbing banks? Ziplining? Making sculptures out of other people’s garbage?” She was finally laughing and it was such a wonderful sound. I needed it in my life like I needed to be able to breathe. Ingrid had become essential to my own happiness and I didn’t think there would be a time when she wasn’t, even after everything came out. She definitely wasn’t going to want me after that. So I was going to enjoy my time with her, however long it would be, so I could tuck these moments away in my mind, like pictures in a scrapbook.

“You’re wrong, wrong, wrong. But the effort is very cute.” She was complimenting me quite a bit today and it was really nice. It made me feel like I was a thousand feet tall and that I could leap buildings and punch through walls and shit. There was nothing like a compliment from Ingrid to make me feel fucking amazing.

I kept guessing and making her laugh as we headed in a roundabout way across the entire campus.

“I guess I give up,” I said, throwing my hands in the air.

“Because most of your guesses were so far off the mark. Some of them were also very illegal and if I was doing them, I wouldn’t tell you.” Her eyes twinkled with mischief and I wanted to kiss her so much that it was like a punch in the gut. I dug my fingers into my hands instead and shoved them in the pockets of my coat so I didn’t reach out to her. We’d only been friends again for less than an hour and I was already fighting to keep from touching her.

This wasn’t going to be easy.