Beneath Innocence (Deception #2.5) (5 page)

3 MONTHS LATER

I embrace Abby in a quick hug and she pushes at my shoulder and swipes a stray tear.

“I’ll look out for you on the radio.” She laughs.

“I’ll be sending you concert tickets and you can come visit me some time yeah?” I kick at her shoe and she tries to smile through her sorrow for seeing me leave.

Abby was a teen starlet turned adult drug dependent mess. She was here for her sixth stay and we struck up a connection when she brought me some of her bottled water, warning me not to drink from the faucets in this place. We quickly became friends and I had kind of took up the big brother role with her in here.

The Brent Manor was a private and off the map ‘resort’ for the rich and famous fuck ups. The rooms were comfortable but this place was no joke, they locked you inside the compound for the entire length of your stay voluntary or not. Once you gave them that power you become theirs to fix and get clean, and for the ones who wanted to get better and heal it worked like for me but for admitted patients like Abby, it was a revolving door. This is what I needed, I desired to know how to cope with life with out living it on a high. Blue needed a man who was strong enough to deal with his own demons so he could help her battle her own. It was so fucking tough walking away from that hospital knowing she was so close I could touch her, smell her. She needed more than me though and as hard as that is to accept, it was truth. 

The counseling in here really helped me, there is no judgment, no pressure and I was able to be just Jenson the man rather than Jenson lead singer of Beneath Innocence and I was hoping she was getting the same from her therapy sessions. They taught me coping mechanisms for when the nightmares slipped into my waking hours. The first few weeks were agony and I questioned my own willpower hourly but I made it through. My skin was back to a healthy color and I didn’t feel constantly nauseous. You tend to eat more in a place like this to escape boredom so I had put on a few healthy pounds, filling my face back out so I didn’t look gaunt. TV’s and cells weren’t permitted, so you are literally isolated to deal with your problems. I wasn’t even allowed visitors for the first thirty days. All my band members, Cade and Faye were waiting for me on the first day of visitation and I nearly fucking cried when I saw the love they had for me. We were a family and I had let them down but I was fixing that now and they were proud of me and like a real family should, they forgave me and loved me despite what a dick I’d been. I asked Kimberly to visit me and apologised to her for how I treated her and told her how amazing she was, and that the right man for her would never have dragged her down with him like I did. She cried and told me she always knew I didn’t love her because I made that clear what we were and would ever be before ever starting up something with her. It was nice to clear the air and like with everything she was cool and hugged me, telling me she had no regrets and wishes the best for me.

The doors open to the foyer, gaining my attention. Cade in all his glorious splendour strides in with a big ass grin on his face. I can’t help but reflect it. Ninety days I’d been shut inside these gates. He grabs me, pinning me to his chest and smacking me on the back before releasing me and grabbing my bag from my hands.

“Proud of you man, and so looking forward to getting you out of here and back home where you belong. Kenny is trying to make me stand in for your ass as a guest host on some TV show you had scheduled and once Faye heard about it she has been on my case telling me how amazing it will be, and you know I hate telling her no, but Jens this is your thing not mine.”

I laugh and follow my best friend out the doors and back into the open world.

Kimberly smiles at me then pulls me in for a hug. “I’m glad the tour is back on and you still want us to open for you guys.”

I nod, wrapping my arms around her. “Of course you know I love your group, and we’re still friends right?”

She tuts, shaking her head at me as she pulls away. “Yes, of course. We both learned a lot and it all worked out for the best.” She shyly smiles looking over at Drake.

“I wish you both luck sweetheart.”

She smiles widely. “Thanks so much Jens that means a lot to us.”

I watch as she walks over to Drake, taking his hand. I was pleased for them. Kimberly was a good girl getting swallowed up in a drowning man, well she must be a good girl to put up with my shit, so I knew she would be good for Drake and she’d be one of the rare chicks that would be able to cope with our lives because it was her life too. Drake was crazy about her and if anything he would be the one to have to cope with her fame growing but they appeared confident in their newfound romance.

“Who’d have thought,” I whisper to Cade as we both watch them disappear. “Drake and Kimberly.” I gesture towards them.

He shrugs, “I dunno, she seems good for him and he’s had a thing for her for ages according to Kenny.”

“That’s true,” I say but don’t divulge that fact Drake joined our sex session that time in the dressing room.

“So are you done here?” He asks. I grab my jacket and slip it on, “Yeah Evan’s sorting out the full schedule the meeting is over now.”

“Good because I’m fucking starving, Faye is wearing my cock and me out with trying to get a baby inside her.” He shakes his head and then grins over at me, the lucky bastard.

“What a hardship for you.” I mock and he sighs, yeah he fucking knew how lucky he was.

It was still hard to believe how far those two had come. He was smitten with that woman and just as desperate to knock her up as she was.

“Did you hear from Slicer?”

“I did, she gets released next week.” I tell him and fidget with a piece of thread on my jeans. Blue was admitted into a psychiatric facility where she could get the help for her self harming and finally deal with everything that happened by the hands of those animals who stole so much from her. Her dad was keeping me updated on her progress and wellbeing but and as much as I craved to go see her I wasn’t allowed and I was so fucking nervous that she would still reject my love. I had to get this right, there was no allowing her to run from me anymore. I would open up and lay it all out there for her and if she rejected me because she truly just didn’t feel that way about me then I would accept it and move on with my life knowing I gave it all for the chance of her loving me, it would fucking painful and hard but I was a grown man and needed to act that way. I would never feel about anyone else how intensely I feel for her and whether she wanted it or not, she would always own my soul but there is only so much rejection a man can take before he has to accept it for what it is. God just the thought of her not actually having feelings for me makes my insides churn; I was doubting everything I thought I’d felt from her in the times we were together. I couldn’t lose hope now, whatever happens I need her to hear me out.

One month after that

“You look good,” Christine smiles. “And it’s good to have you back.”

“I agree,” Mary nods, her soft gaze on me warm and happy.

My friends had brought me out for lunch. I’d cut all ties after the attack, refusing to see anyone, and as my friends they had accepted that but refused to sever me totally from their lives. They’d sat back and waited until I was once more ready to have them in my life.

“Did the therapy help at all? How was it?” Mary scowls at Christine, reprimanding her for being so blunt but she shrugs and turns back to me expectantly.

Settling back in my chair, I take a sip of wine and sigh. “Hard, you know. For someone to actually tell you that your life is shit, that
you’re
shit, it kind of makes you sit up and take notice.” They both blink sadly but nod. “It took a long time for me to face up to things, and they just taught me to do that without the pressure. Don’t get me wrong,” I say quietly, as if talking to myself. “It’s hard, the craving, the urge to spill blood is still there but they showed me ways to get past that, to concentrate on other things,
do
other things.”

“I bet sex will help,” Mary laughs when Chris slaps her arm. But I nod and chuckle.

“Yeah, maybe but one I haven’t tried yet.”

They both look at me as if I’ve told them I had my vagina filled in and a cock moulded instead. “What? The great Martha is off sex?”

Shaking my head at their honesty, something I could always count on them for, I shrug. “Sex was another way for me to escape the incessant noise in my head. It was an appeal for someone to make me feel good about myself before the attack and then after I just wanted back control over that part of me.” I shrug.

Mary tips her head, regarding me sadly. “And did it help?”

No.” I shake my head slowly, my heart clenching with the thoughts now cramming my head. “There was only one man who could do that.”

“And?” Chris probes, leaning forward in her chair slightly.

“I…” The clinic had taught me to face up to things, but it was hard. My own failures and faults were hard to admit. “I hurt him. I used him. I toyed with him and I turned my back on him, all because he could give me something I needed.”

“Why?” Mary asks, confused by my openness.

“Because… because I was scared. Scared what if he gave me everything I needed and then took it all away? And then after the attack I was afraid to admit the extent of what happened and what we lost because of it and what if I still wasn’t okay, what if I was still this same girl that needed to hurt to heal. What then? Keeping him at bay kind of gave me that option to always fall back on, the final healing process so to speak.”

“But you’ll never know until you try, Martha. You can’t live on what ifs.”

“I know,” I nod and smile back. “And that was one of the reasons I didn’t fight them when they wanted to condemn me.”

Chris laughs and shakes her head. “They didn’t condemn you.”

“It felt like it,” I revealed sombrely. “At that time I felt like I had no other choice. I didn’t deserve Jenson if all I could give him was pain and the agony of my life.”

“I understand that, Martha, honestly I do but maybe those choices were the very reason for the agony you were in.”

I smile softly at Chris and reach my hand out for her as I allow the tears to trickle free. I should allow them, they only padlocked down my emotions and to set them free allowed me to challenge my thoughts. “One of my milestones was facing how I feel about Jenson.”

“Well that’s good right?” Mary asks.

My heart hurt, the pain making my veins feel restrictive to my blood flow. “It’s too late for me now. Jenson has made his choice.”

“Only because he thought he couldn’t have you, Martha. Freaking hell, you can’t just give up. That’s not you!”

“No, that was the old me. The new me needs to take life as it comes now and not expect too much. I need to breathe through each day and make it without falling back into old habits of coping.”

“You do know that he’s not marrying that girl?” Chris asks me quietly.

“What?”

She shakes her head firmly, her eyes widening on me. “That was just a joke apparently, something to feed to the dogs when they were hounding them while out shopping. Jenson isn’t getting married, just as much as you aren’t over him.”

I wasn’t sure how to tackle the quickening beat of my heart. “I thought…”

“As per usual, you thought wrong, you should know how crazy the press is and all the lies they get fed.”

“That doesn’t mean he still wants me, he’s over me. Hell, he did the unthinkable for me and I just…”

“He did what?”

Shaking my head, dismissing her questioning, I rub my eyes, not sure how to take this little revelation. “It doesn’t matter. It’s too late, and if fate wants us to be together, then we’ll see.”

Mary scowls at me, scoffing angrily as she folds her arms over her chest at my resigned attitude.

“So, what happens now?” Chris asks as she takes a mouthful of her wine.

“Well,” I smile back, “It’s not over yet. It will be a long road but I’m in a good place, ready to face life and… my problems.”

Mary smiles, quickly getting over our quarrel and squeezes my hand. “I’m glad. We missed you.”

“I have a few jobs lined up.” Sensing my hesitancy they both frown at me. “In California.”

They both blanch but Mary sighs. “Martha, you are more than ready for that. Your life was back there and you need to accept that and deal with it head on and you can’t do that from here. You can’t let them win, hun. Have you talked to your therapist about how you’re feeling?”

I nod. “Yes, she says it would test me but she thinks I’m ready.”

“Well you still have your apartment there, your dad kept it maintained. That’s one less thing to worry about,” Mary offers.

It was a worry though, that apartment was where my nightmare began but the crippling fear that was once there at the thought of going back to my apartment isn’t as powerful as it once was. I steal a glance at her, my eyes narrow but there’s a smile on my face. “Anyone would think you want me to go.”

She shrugs. “Well,” she winks at me, “you were handy for vacations.”

I reach across the table and slap at her. She laughs but grabs my hand. “Seriously Martha, Chris and I are behind you one hundred percent. Hell, if you want us to come back with you, you know we would.”

“I know,” I whisper, my heart swelling with love for my friends. “But this is something I have to do on my own.”

And it was. To wake up from your nightmares, you had to face them, accept them. And surprisingly, I was actually ready for that, to take the next step and to put the shit behind me.

My attack in places that would haunt me forever wasn’t exactly the problem and finally facing up to it, I felt my heart tighten at the thought of once again seeing Jenson.

He’d booked himself into rehab after my accident. My dad had filled me in how Jenson had been at the hospital. I still wasn’t too sure why. He hated me surely, he must do after I dumped him after what he had done for me.

I was glad he’d undergone treatment, it proved to me that he was still the strong man I had fell in love with. I knew I had treated him worse than dog shit, but my mother had always taught me, ‘treat them mean, Martha. If they’re still there after then you know they’ll still be there to hold your hand on your death bed.’

And Jenson had been there through it all, he’d even killed for me. And the guilt I felt from that was unreal, consuming. I’d sent him on the path of drugs, whores and destruction. I knew his nightmares would be as real as mine, who wouldn’t suffer the aftereffects of killing someone. Jenson had the heart of a lion but the gentleness of a lamb, that’s what had made me fall in love with him, even though I tried so hard not to and lied to myself and him about the fact I was completely consumed with loving him.

I just hoped I hadn’t destroyed the good parts of him.