Between (21 page)

"Stop the car," I say. He ignores me. "Stop the fucking car, Alek!"

Swearing under his breath, he manoeuvres the car into a side street and kills the engine. For a few moments, I focus on grounding myself
, and once I'm sure my shaking legs will hold me, I climb out of the car.

The cold rain falls from the sky, pouring down my face as if someone is tipping buckets of water on me. I squint through the water
; I have no idea where I am. Dusk joins the darkness of the rain clouds and I set off along the pavement, hoping to find a bus stop nearby.

Alek
catches up to me. "Rose! Don't be so fucking stupid! Okay, I'll slow down."

"I'm not getting back into your car!" I
shout at him, wiping rain from my face. "Leave me alone!"

Alek's
curls flatten as his hair sticks to his head and he shrugs off his jacket, holding it over his head. "Come on, Rose. Get in the car. Jesus, talk about making a big deal."

Anger slams into my
mind and I shove him in the chest. "Fuck you!"

Alek
stumbles. "Whoa. Okay..."

"How did I die?" I scream at him, rubbing the scars on my arms. "What happened?"

Realisation passes across his face. "Shit."

"A fucking car accident,
Alek!" I heave in air. "Okay, so I'm half-fucking-dead, but I still feel! I still grieve for my friend and you driving like that brought it all back!"

The rain has one benefit
, he can't see my tears.

"Fuck. Rose. I'm sorry..."

"Wow, the arrogant Alek apologising."

"I mean it," he growls. "I'm out of touch with people. I find it fucking hard to empathise
, okay?"

We face off
. I shiver against the rain and the uncomfortable feeling of my soaked work clothes sticking to my legs. This day has drained me. I'm raw from Finn, dead people, dickhead housemates, and nightmare car journeys.

"Why?" I demand
. "Are you telling me I'll lose the ability to love and care for people?"

"Yes. No. I don't know! I only know what happened to me. But after twenty years on my own
, it's a bit fucking hard to relate to other people's feelings." He drops his jacket back across his shoulders. "But I still have my human basic need not to stand in the pouring rain and get soaked. Please get in the car." His voice is softer now, cajoling me.

I cross my arms tightly over my chest, debating whether to go with him or storm away.

Alek reaches out a hand as if he's approaching an animal that could attack him. "I didn't think. I wish I could, I'm trying with you."

His damp fingers connect with my wet cheek and I jerk at the sensation. "Zapping me and expecting me to fall into your arms won't work!" I snap.

Alek's mouth tips up at one corner. "We can sit in the car until the rain stops, if that helps? Then I'll drive really slowly home?"

The rain has soaked through my clothes and the cold through my skin. "Okay," I say. "But only because it's raining."

****

We arrive home and I'm beyond furious with him. Despite having the heating in the car turned full, I'm soaked. We barely spoke on the journey home, for once
Alek not interjecting with what he considers humorous teasing.

I stomp into the house and throw my bag
onto the floor. Peeling my soaking coat off, I drop it next to the bag. Alek closes the door behind him and I wait for a cocky comment. Instead, he watches me warily for a few seconds before walking past into the kitchen. When I hear the fridge door and clink of beer bottles, my irritation returns.

"What the hell?" I ask as I walk in on him in his usual position
: beer in hand, legs on the opposite chair. His T-shirt is soaked through, and stretched across the taut muscles of his chest.

"What?" he asks.

"That's it? No discussion?"

"What's to discuss?"

"Don't you care about what you just did or how much you frightened me? Don't you want to know if I'm okay?" I'm incredulous at how easy he switches off.

"Are you okay?" he asks
, unconvincingly, and swigs from his bottle.

"What is with you?" I
retort. "Why do you behave like this?"

"I told you, because I'm not used to people. Sorry, Casper, I can't help
it."

I shake my hair from my face. "You're two different people, and it's hurting me,
Alek. My world's upside down and you spin it out of control more. I don't know who I am or what I'm worth, and when you treat me like this after spending the night in your bed, I feel worthless."

Alek
runs his tongue along his teeth and fixes an intense gaze on me, one that adds to the shivering. Standing here in wet clothes is horrible, but last time something worse lurked in the bathroom, and I'm scared to go up there.

"You're not worthless," he says in a low voice. "That's the problem. You're unbelievably important to me."

"Why? Because you can get some free energy when you need topping up? Seduce me into sex when you feel like it? Then dump me when you've had both?"

"Rose..."
He looks genuinely shocked. "You know that's not true."

"Do I? You're only nice at those times."

"That's a lie! I look out for you. I came to collect you tonight. Okay, I drove like an idiot tonight, but I try to keep you safe."

"I don't want keeping safe! I can look after myself! I especially don't need keeping safe from an arrogant dickhead who treats me like crap half the time."

Alek stands, knocking his chair back. "Fuck this! Now I remember why I don't have anything to do with people."

When I died, I must've gone to
Hell because this is Hell. Suffocating, confusing Hell. I follow Alek upstairs but he strides two steps at a time, and by the time I've caught up, he's slammed his bedroom door. Not in my face, but almost.

"Oh
, my God!" I yell. "Are you twelve years old?"

From inside the room, the sound of banging
appears and the door flies open. Alek stands, shirtless, holding a dry T-shirt in his hand. "I was getting changed! You should, too!" He points at my wet clothes.

"No, you walked away when I was talking."

"Talking? You were insulting me!"

"So
, you think your behaviour is acceptable in a relationship."

Alek
opens his mouth to respond then shakes his head with a small smile. "Relationship? Does this count as a relationship?"

"It's fucking weird, whatever it is
, but we unfortunately have one."

Alek
gasps. "Casper! You're swearing again."

"And you're trying to steer the conversation away from this again."

As if to block out what I'm saying, he pulls his T-shirt over his head. His damp hair sticks up in several directions when his face reappears. If I wasn't angry, I'd be taking in the fact he's downright sexy and does things to my insides that temper my anger.

"Rose
, I apologise if I'm upsetting you, but this is me. I was like this when I was alive. I didn't get close to people before, and years of isolation hasn't helped. I don't know how to behave the way you expect me to."

I rub my cold arm. "I only expect respect,
Alek. And maybe some consistency instead of these wild mood swings."

"It's who I am."

I drag my fingers through my damp hair. "And I'm stuck with you."

H
e narrows his eyes. "Leave if you don't want to be ‘stuck with me’."

Alek
knows this isn't a possibility in my current life, and I can see his anger sweeping back in. "I'm getting changed."

Heart thumping hard in my chest, I head for my room. The size of the space feels more claustrophobic than ever, suffocating me like my life in this house. Like my world. Again the urge to leave comes back, but where would I go? Dragging my damp clothes off and dumping them in a corner, I pull on my yoga pants and a thick jumper. My soaked hair has begun to dry in tendrils around my face
, and I twist it into a high ponytail. The top of the house is cold and too close to the point the Shades come through, so I reluctantly return downstairs.

Alek
sits on the shabby sofa near the gas fire in the lounge, staring straight ahead. I hesitate, unsure whether to go to him.

"Lizzie isn't back," he says as I pass him.

I'm unsure if this is concern or a statement. I don't want to talk to him. I pick up the bag I dumped by the floor, ready to walk out again.

"Rose," he says softly. "I'm sorry. This scares me."

"I scare you?"

"No, this situation with us. I'm somewhere I don't want to be
, and I don't know how to cope." His voice is flat, features drawn down into unhappiness.

"I don't like living here either. We're both stuck and looking to each other for help."

"Is that all?" He turns to me, and the confusion he speaks about reflects in his eyes.

Of course it's not all. I crave to be around this man, touching him
, and gaining comfort from the energy we create when we're together. To have him look at me as if he can fix everything and for me to believe that's true.

"What are you trying to say,
Alek?" I cross to the sofa and sit on the edge, far enough away from him to counteract some of the effect but aware of my arms prickling.

"I was an addict," he says.

"Before you became Between?" He nods. "Drugs?"

"Yeah. I'd been clean and relapsed shortly before. Life was shit
, and I went back to the one thing that made my life a brighter place. Which I know is fucked-up, but I tried to be clean and got dragged back in." He huffs. "When I became what I am now, taking people's energy became a new drug for me. I'd take when I didn't need to because of the high. You felt it the time you took too much from me; you know how incredible it felt, and you didn't want to stop."

"Yes, but I had to."

"Now, I don't know the difference, Rose. I don't know if wanting your energy is why I'm obsessed with you or if it's more. When I'm with you, I'm calmer and happier. Is it our connection? Or is it you? Us?"

The time we had sex, after I took too much from him and gave it back
, floods my mind. The connection to Alek at that point felt more natural, as if we were meant to be. But is he right? Is this us trapped in the situation?

"I want to share myself with you
, but I don't know how," he says quietly. "And I think if I do and you reject me, the pain will be too much."

His words stun, classic
Alek mood swing in action here. "You're pushing me away, Alek."

"I'm trying to protect myself from you."

"What do you mean? I said I'll stop if I'm draining you, we can both stop."

"No, Rose, not from you taking my energy
, but from you taking my ability to stay inside myself and protect myself from hurt. I want you. But not just the part of you that I physically crave; I want us."

The sadness etched on his features, in his downturned mouth and confused expression
, tugs at my heart. "Then you have to give yourself to us."

“I’ve already given you a lot more than I ever have before – alive or as this.
This terrifies me because everything I feel is so sudden and out of control.”

“That’s the energy connection, though.”
Is he really saying he feels more than that?

"Can you see I'm saying these things without touching you? To prove to you this is more than the physical ache I have around you?"

"Alek, you're carrying a lot of pain with you. I don't know if it's from your isolation or from your life before you died, but let some go instead of turning it to anger."

He touches my cheek with his fingers. "I'm trying
; but you make me feel vulnerable, as if you've got your hands around my heart and you could tear it out at any moment."

The
usual physical intensity between us is eclipsed by the words and the painful truth in his eyes. We've been pushed together, into a shared reality, and touched part of each others’ lives. We’re lost souls who have connected; and what’s growing between us is more than physical.

And that scares me more than anything else
, too.

"Let me in, then. If you feel vulnerable, don't lash out at me
, or that's what will happen."

Alek
strokes a damp strand of hair from my face. His lips touch mine; a soft buzz sparks into life whatever lives inside me that wants Alek physically. He inhales and we both fight the growing intoxication. I turn my head away and bury my face into his chest, and Alek, hesitantly, wraps his arms around me. We haven't held each other since the night in his bed, as if we only can if everything else is satiated.