Between a Wok and a Hard Place (26 page)

Lilibet rolled her eyes, confirming - as I have often suspected - that she and I are distant cousins. "You talk like a

noodle-head," she said in Dutch. She turned to me and smiled. "I spread those rumors at Miller's store just like you

asked."

"What rumors?"

"That you and the back doctor are not" - she glanced at the children seated on either side of her - "well, enough

said."

"But they're not rumors," I wailed. "They're the truth! And anyway, that's not what I asked you to say. You were

supposed to tell them about Aaron. What he did to me."

She shook her head. "Ach, but who would believe such a thing? Everyone knows Aaron Junior is such a nice man.

Now the back doctor - he has pestered everyone in Hernia. Nobody likes him. Trust me, Magdalena, they were much

more interested in that story."

The good news is that I didn't actually leap across the tale and strangle her with my bare hands. The bad news is that

I wanted to, and might have, had there not been over a dozen pairs of eyes staring at me as intently as if I were an alien

recovered from the bottom of Miller's pond. If Jimmy Carter was guilty of adultery in the Good Lord's eyes for lusting in his

heart, then I was every bit as guilty of murder in my heart.

I suppose now I was going to have to wear a scarlet "M" along with the scarlet "A." In that case, the best thing to do

would be to sell the PennDutch Inn and move to Massachusetts where I had a chance of blending in. Even Cain wasn't so

clearly marked.

I stood up. "Lunch was delicious," I said through clenched teeth, though I had yet to pick up my fork.

Lilibet dropped her fork with a clatter. "Ach, where are you going?"

"What's it to you?"

"I work my fingers to the bone doing you a favor - making a nice meal for you and the English - and this is how you

repay me? You always did know how to make a scene, Magdalena."

"Thank you, and if you must know, I'm off to Miller's farm. There's a vindictive old man there in a rowboat looking for

aliens at the bottom of a pond. Frankly, I'd rather be there."

"Why, I never!" Lilibet said. She turned to her husband. "Amos, say something."

"Gut Himmel," Amos muttered into his auburn beard.

"I'll be back in two hours to pick you two up," I said to Shirley and Terry. I was too embarrassed to look at them, but I

assumed they knew I meant them.

"Angus, do something," I heard Dorothy Dixon whisper. "She shouldn't be driving in that state."

I heard him push back his chair. "I'd be happy to drive you, Mrs. Miller."

"It's Yoder," I said, "not Miller. And no thanks, I don't need someone to drive me. I'll be just fine."

"But - "

"I'm not in a state," I snapped.

"He was just trying to be helpful, Magdalena," Shirley Pearson said. "Why don't you be a good girl and sit back

down?"

"Girl?”

"Please," Terry said, "can't we talk about this later? I'm starving."

"Yah, let's eat," Amos said. Either his stomach growled then or there was a dog under the table.

"Is that all you can think about?" I screamed. "Food?"

Lilibet picked up the platter of fried chicken again, and leaning across the table, thrust it at me. "You're I nothing but

skin and bones, Magdalena. It's no wonder your Aaron left you for greener pastures."

I snatched the platter of chicken from her and started for the door.

"Mama, she took all the chicken!" one of the little Augsburger girls wailed.

"Ach, my platter!"

"Ji!" Caitlin sobbed. "Ji!"

"I'll wash it and return it tomorrow," I said over my shoulder.

"You see?" Lilibet said. "What did I tell you? Always a scene."

It was quite a scene at Miller's pond. The old coot was standing in his rowboat in the middle of the pond, waving his

arms and shouting.

"I found it. It's really here."

"What's it look like?" It was Jacob Zook, the man with the miracle tractor. He was standing on the bank, shading his

eyes with his hands. He shifted from one foot to the other, and back again. I had never seen him so animated.

"I can't tell yet," Pops called. "There's too much algae. I've never seen the pond this scummy.

"But it's metal, I can tell that much just by banging on it with my oar. We need to get your winch hooked up to her and

pull her in. I bet she's worth a million bucks. More to the Smithsonian."

Jacob grinned and scratched his head. He was going to wear himself out if he didn't watch it.

"I have to hand it to you, Aaron. I didn't think flying saucers really existed. You said I get half of what we recover,

right?"

"That's right. Now I'm going to row back and you so we can hook this thing up."

"Hot dog!" Jacob said in a gush of ecstasy. "My little Emma wants to go to Switzerland next summer and look up her

roots. I reckon half a million will get there, all right."

Pops laughed heartily. "With that kind of mo you can bring back an Alp for a souvenir."

I sat down on the grass in the shade of a pine tree. It was the exact spot I was sitting in exactly a y ago, when I first

met Aaron Jr. Only one year - I could hardly believe it. So much had changed in the intervening time.

The oak was maybe a little taller, the grass definitely was, now that there were no longer any cows to keep it short.

The pond definitely had more scum. But some of the changes were much more profound than that - for one thing, I had

changed. In such a short time I had gone from being a naïve, maiden lady, to a savvy matron, to a bitter adulteress who

stole chicken from little girls.

At least it was good chicken. Lilibet Augsburger may put on airs, for an Amish woman, but she can fry up a chicken

that would make the Colonel weep with envy. I bit into a plump breast that was crispy on the outside, but tender and juicy

on the inside. There were three more just like it on the platter, plus a smattering of thighs and drumsticks. Just skin and

bones indeed! By the time I licked that platter clean I would be well on my way to that size 24W dress. Then we'd see who

had the biggest laugh.

The men had to know that I was there, but they didn't acknowledge my presence. That was fine with me. Let them

pretend I was invisible. I really didn't want to speak to the old coot anyway. I just wanted to make sure that he was all

right. Yes, I was furious at him, but I didn't really wish him ill-well, a bad case of gout maybe. Certainly not death by

drowning. If Aaron Sr. died before I could get him on the plane that night, then my ex-Pooky Bear would no doubt return to

Hernia, if only to make arrangements to have his father's body shipped to Minnesota. I couldn't let that happen. If I looked

into those Wedgwood blue eyes again, I would throw up. In fact, just the thought of them made me nauseated. I quickly

put the chicken breast down and took a deep breath.

Where was I? Ah, yes, Aaron Sr. It was in my own best interest to make sure that the old geezer got safely on that

plane to Minneapolis. Besides, he was just trying to be a protective parent, wasn't he? Maybe if Mama was alive, and I

had been the deceiving, lowlife scumbucket - no, Mama would willingly, if not eagerly, have picked up the first stone. "You

make your bed, you lie in it," she said to me at least a thousand times.

When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher, Miss Enz, caught me passing a note to Darrel Stucky and thrashed me

with a willow switch. The truth was, I hadn't written a note, but was just doing Esther Rickenbach a favor. Well, Mama

refused to take my side. At supper that night she wouldn't even listen to my version of the story.

"Chew with your mouth closed, Magdalena," she said, when I tried to tell her about it.

"But, Mama - "

"Chew with your mouth closed, Magdalena." I picked up the chicken, took a big bite, and chewed with my mouth wide

open just to spite Mama. Two breasts and a drumstick later my mouth was still open, but for a different reason. The old

coot and his accomplice were stripping to their skivvies.

"Pops, you put your clothes back on right now," I hollered.

Aaron Sr. smiled and waved. Being right made him magnanimous.

"It's here, Magdalena. I told you, didn't I? Jacob, tell her it's here."

Jacob waved, unabashed in his baggy boxers. "Yah, there's something here all right." Then to my amazement Pops,

who shuffles when he's on land, dove neatly into the water and disappeared from sight. Jacob followed him with only a

slight splash. They both surfaced a few seconds later, thrashing and screaming. Apparently the water was a lot colder

than they thought. Either that, or neither of them could swim.

I put the chicken aside, stuffed to the gills. If the men couldn't swim, they were out of luck. I was a decent swimmer in

my youth, but thirty years and half a chicken were bound to make a difference. The best I could do was to find my car

keys and hold them, ready to sprint to the car at the first sign of trouble.

Both men were expert swimmers. It took them about an hour to hook the cable to the flying saucer and winch it close

enough to shore so that a preliminary inspection could be made. During that time about a dozen onlookers, besides

myself, had gathered. Folks driving by on Hertzler Lane, either by automobile or buggy, couldn't help but notice the

unusual proceedings. Even Freni, who had successfully picked the walnuts out of poached chicken salad, wandered over.

"Ach, they're like little boys," she said when she saw the two men, covered in slime, grinning from ear to ear. At that

point the flying saucer, also covered with slime, was halfway to shore. It is hard to describe the excitement that was

building up in our little shore- bound band. The mixture of holiness and heresy was, frankly, rather stimulating.

"Of course there's no such thing as flying saucers," someone said in a high, girlish voice. "It's contrary to God's plan

of salvation."

Our eyes shifted from the salvage operation to Nora Ediger. She is a plain woman with a broad jaw and a deficit

bosom. She is also on the shady side of thirty and has never been married. Aaron Jr. once admitted that he was attracted

to her.

"How is it contrary to God's plan?" We turned to look at Dan Gindlesperger. For most of us it was more than just a

passing glance. Dan is, after all, one of Hernia's few eligible bachelors old enough to have been weaned before the

Clinton years. He is also an ex-Mennonite, but has fallen so completely' through the ranks that he teaches philosophy at

Bedford County Community College. Even the Presbyterian church has been unable to hold him, and there are rumors

that he is an agnostic.

Nora was game. "Because there was only one Jesus:' she said. "How could Jesus have died on the cross here on

earth to save us from our sins, and died on another planet as well?"

Dan smiled. "Maybe the aliens didn't fall from grace. Maybe they weren't in need of a plan of salvation."

Several people gasped, Freni among them. "That's nonsense," Nora said, her voice rising to an almost inaudible

pitch. "That would mean they were sinless. Besides the Trinity, only angels are sinless. Are you saying that aliens are

angels?"

Several people laughed, I among them. "Now that's silly," Dan said with irritating calmness. "Even you don't believe

angels are sinless. The biggest sinner of them all was originally an angel. Lucifer was his name. I believe you call him

Satan."

Nora, bless her heart, stood her ground. "Genesis gives us a detailed account of the Creation, but it doesn't say

anything about aliens. Did God make them before or after he made man?"

Dan shrugged with annoying nonchalance. "What difference does it make? The creation story in Genesis is a

metaphor anyway - "

I'm not saying that it was God who intervened, but the loud curse that came from Aaron Sr. certainly grabbed our

attention. The debate was suddenly of no importance.

24

"What did he say?" Freni demanded.