Between Friends (15 page)
Authors: Debbie Macomber
April 1, 1986
Dearest Jillian,
There’s a reason I chose to write on April Fool’s Day, and that’s because I feel like a fool. While sorting through the laundry this afternoon, I found a package of birth control pills in Lindy’s sweater pocket. She apparently got them at the Planned Parenthood Clinic behind my back.
Well, I suppose I don’t feel so much a fool as a coward. I should have confronted her immediately, but I didn’t. Instead I poured myself a glass of iced tea, sat down and cried. My daughter has lost her innocence—and it isn’t just her virginity I’m referring to. She’s sexually involved with a young man I barely know and she’s unwilling to discuss her situation with me. She’s dating Carl Kennedy and as far as I can discern he’s a decent enough young man. But the thought of them having sex just freezes my blood.
Buck and I were sexually active my senior year, but the memories are not happy ones. As a result I ended up pregnant with David. I love each of my children—but not one of the four was planned. Buck wouldn’t allow me to take the pill and at the time I was struggling to be a good wife and a good Catholic. I sometimes think I failed on both counts.
I wish Lindy had waited for the right man and the right time. I long to tell my daughter these things but I won’t. I can’t find the words. The pill might prevent a pregnancy, but sex won’t give her the love she craves, or whatever else she’s seeking. It will only complicate her life and possibly her future. Carl isn’t any more ready for a committed relationship than Buck was at his age. Or me for that matter.
The first few years Buck and I were married, and for a long time afterward, I lived in denial. I became accustomed to ignoring ugly or difficult situations—like this one with Lindy. I was afraid to confront him the same way I’m afraid to confront my daughter. Because once the reality is acknowledged, you have to do something about it. I can remember nights when Buck would come home reeking of another woman’s cologne. Although he disgusted me, I’d pretend not to notice. I got so good at that. So good at turning a blind eye to the truth, because the truth was just too damn painful. Now I’m doing it again, only this time my eyes are wide open and it isn’t Buck I’m dealing with but our daughter.
As you know, Lindy has always been a difficult child. She was a problem even before she became a teenager. Even though there’s been a slight improvement in her attitude in the last couple of years, she seems to think she can do whatever she wants. But she’s still a child, still living in my home. Living under my rules and under my protection. And Jillian, I do long to protect her. Which means I’d have to insist she own up to what she’s doing—but I’m afraid of the consequences of a confrontation. Just like I was with Buck...
What should I do? Confront her, no matter how hard that is, or ignore what I found? Risk having her walk out or put up with behavior I find appalling?
What do you say, oh wise and trusted friend? How should I handle this one?
On a totally separate subject, I talked to your mother this week and learned she put down earnest money on an apartment five floors below yours. My fear is that once she moves to New York, you won’t be as inclined to visit Pine Ridge. Jillian, if only you knew how much your visits mean to me! I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that time to look forward to.
I have some good news. Mom and Eric bought a Winnebago. They invited the boys to join them for a short trip this summer during the week of our class reunion. They’ll drive down to Susan and Bill’s place in Sacramento and stay there for a few days. You can’t imagine how excited Doug and Christopher are. Doug will be 16 in August and he thinks Eric might let him do some of the driving. Fat chance! Christopher thinks he might be able to persuade them to head from Sacramento to Disneyland. More power to him if he succeeds.
I’m sorry I got so long-winded, but this thing with Lindy really upsets me. She’s too young to be having sex. I don’t want her to repeat my mistakes and my mother’s, as well. I don’t just mean the teenage pregnancy—thank God for the pill. But the tendency to get trapped in a marriage or a relationship that will stifle her at best, destroy her at worst. I want so much more for her!
Write me soon.
Lesley
***
20 YEAR REUNION
FOR
HOLY NAME ACADEMY AND
MARQUETTE HIGH SCHOOL
JULY 18-20
HOLIDAY INN,
PINE RIDGE, WASHINGTON
FRIDAY NIGHT SOCIAL
At
TINK’S SPORTS BAR
2210 Pine Ridge Way
369-7895
SATURDAY DINNER AND DANCE
At
PINE RIDGE COUNTRY CLUB
Featuring
Dion’s 60s Revue Band
SUNDAY AFTERNOON PICNIC
At
LIONS FIELD
231 8th Avenue
R.S.V.P. Diane Andrews Coleman
Lesley Adamski Knowles
***
March 1, 1986
Mom,
You’re being completely unreasonable. You leave
me no choice but to move out of the house. I’m staying with Shannon and her parents until Carl and I can find a place of our own.
I am not a child and I refuse to let you treat me like one. Lindy
***
May 2, 1986
English Assignment Christopher Knowles, Grade 7
WHY MY MOM IS THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD
My mom is super cool. She does fun things. In the summer, in the middle of the night, she wakes us all up and takes us outside to lay in the grass and look at the stars. She calls these Surprise Pajama Parties because we never know when the night sky will be clear enough. Then she gives us ice cream cones.
One time when I was little and my brothers and sister were in school and there was only Mom and me, we had Backwards Day. We had a hamburger for breakfast and cereal at dinnertime and dressed funny all day. Everyone wished they could be home with us instead of going to school.
When my dad left, my mom volunteered to be the assistant coach on my soccer team. She didn’t know the rules, but she learned them because she wanted to be part of my team. Twice a week, when she wasn’t going to classes, she left work early so she could get to the soccer field in time for practice.
Everyone loves their mom because they are their mom. I love my mom because she’s fun, too. She’s cool.
***
May 7, 1986
Dear Lindy,
The choice to leave home was yours. I told you this when you left and I’ll say it again: you’re welcome back at any time as long as you’re willing to abide by my rules. Despite what you think, I’m sorry Carl broke up with you. Sweetheart, trust me, I know how much it hurts to have the person you love dump you for someone else.
I really miss you, and the boys miss their sister. Come home and we’ll talk again without the anger and the threats. I think we’ve both learned a valuable lesson.
I love you.
Mom
***
The Class of
Nineteen Hundred and Eighty-six
Pine Ridge High School
Announces its
Commencement Exercises
Sunday afternoon, June eighth
At three o’clock
Invited guests only
***
***
June 10, 1986
Dear Mom,
I’m writing because I want to thank you for everything. I hated it when I was away from home. I thought you were being unreasonable and stupid to demand that I break up with Carl. But I was the stupid one. You never even asked for an apology for all the ugly things I said.
I do want to apologize, though. I’m sorry, Mom. You were right about Carl. I would never have been able to graduate if it wasn’t for everything you did to help me catch up with my schoolwork. I feel so much better now that I’m home.
I waited until after graduation to apologize because I didn’t want us to get all emotional. I know forcing me to make a decision was hard for you. You might not think I mean this, but I’m glad you stuck to your guns. You’re right, I was hoping Carl would marry me. I thought we’d run away to Reno or someplace like that but he wasn’t interested, and after a few days I knew neither one of us was ready. I’d prefer to marry David Cassidy, anyway. PSYCH!
I was pretty upset when I left, but I appreciate that you gave me the freedom to make my own choices, right or wrong. I learned a lot about myself while I was with Shannon and her family. I always thought it was great that her parents let her do anything she wanted, but when I was living with her I realized that what seems good from the outside often isn’t good at all.
I had a great party after the graduation ceremony. Thanks, Mom. I wish Dad could’ve been here, but I learned a long time ago that I can’t depend on my father. Still, if I could change anything about graduation, it would be having Dad there. Do you think he got the invitation? Probably not, seeing that the last address we had for him was the jail.
Love,
Lindy
***
JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON
331 WEST END AVENUE
APARTMENT 1020
NEW YORK, NY 10023
July 8, 1986
Dearest Lesley,
I know this is short notice but I’m not going to make it to the reunion. Monty hasn’t been feeling well. He insisted I buy the airline tickets, but I told him I wasn’t going anywhere until he saw Dr. Lyman. He went in last week and the test results are back.
Monty has cancer. Even as I write the word my hand is shaking. I’ve never been more terrified. My husband has cancer. Oh, Lesley, I don’t think I can bear this. Monty is confident that everything will be fine. I’m not.
I remember the first week I didn’t get a letter from Nick when he was in Vietnam. A terrified sensation came over me at the absence of his letter—a premonition, I later realized. I have that same feeling now. Dear God, I hope I’m wrong. I don’t know what I’d do without Monty. Haven’t I lost enough already?
Please pray for us, Lesley. You’re so much closer to God than I am. He’ll heed your prayers far more than He will mine.
Mom has been wonderful through all of this. She immediately took charge, sat me down and made us both a cup of tea. Then she chatted on about medical advances these days and how I’m probably panicking for no reason. By the time she left, she had me believing that Monty’s surgery will be no more serious than having a mole removed. It’ll be followed by a series of chemotherapy treatments.
The surgery’s scheduled for the Wednesday before the reunion. I won’t leave him. I know you understand, but oh, Lesley, I will so miss seeing you.
Please, please keep us in your prayers. I don’t want to lose my husband.
Jillian
***
Dear Daddy,
Get well soon. I drew the picture of the flowers for you. I love you.
Leni Jo
Lesley’s Journal
July 21, 1986
The reunion was wonderful, although it seemed odd being there without a husband or a date. I was a little intimidated at first, but as soon as I arrived, I started talking to my classmates and before long I forgot I was alone. It really didn’t make any difference.
As luck would have it, one of the first people I bumped into was Dr. Roy Kloster. His wife, the other Dr. Kloster, is pregnant with their third child and they looked blissfully happy. Roy introduced me as his high-school heartthrob.
Bob Daniels asked me where Buck is. I told him his guess was as good as mine. I didn’t pursue the matter because I had the sinking feeling that Buck owes him money. Bob tried to flirt with me, but I’ve never liked him and quickly made an excuse to talk to someone else.
A lot of people wondered about Jillian. She was missed. Unfortunately, the news about Monty isn’t good. The surgery was a success, but his colon was full of cancer and it’s spread to several of his organs. The surgeon removed what he could and as soon as Monty’s recovered his strength, he’ll undergo both chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Naturally Jillian is worried. She said she knew this was going to be bad and she was right. How I wish I could be with her.
Despite my constant worry about them, I managed to have a good time. Several people asked me who I’m dating or if I’m available. I wasn’t sure how to answer. This whole dating scene unnerves me. There’s only been one man in my life. After Buck, I was terrified of getting involved again. I’ve definitely been scarred by my marriage. Anyway, taking care of my children is what’s most important right now. I am certainly capable of living my life without a man. I’ve proved that from the beginning. I could never rely on Buck.
When my former classmates pressed me about the dating issue, I told them I preferred the quiet life. Quiet? Not likely! I have four children at home, three of them teenagers. People who believe my life is serene would probably fall for any outlandish sales pitch!
If I were to get married again, I’d want a man like Jillian’s Monty. Or Jillian’s dad. Or Dr. Milton, who’s sane, sensible and happily married. Or Susan’s husband, Bob. (See? They do exist!)
I refuse to think about Cole Greenberg. I built a fantasy around him and I have absolutely no idea what the real man is like.
All in all, the reunion was wonderful, but I missed Jillian.
***
JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON
331 WEST END AVENUE
APARTMENT 1020
NEW YORK, NY 10023
August 15, 1986
Dear God,
Let’s make a deal. Save my husband and I’ll start attending Mass again. I’ll sing in the choir. Become a lay minister, feed the hungry, do anything else You ask of me.
Please Lord, let Monty’s body respond positively to all these horrible treatments. Don’t let him be this sick when there’s no hope. Cure him, Lord. I believe in miracles. Perform one now.
Sincerely,
Jillian Gordon
***
S
eptember 16, 1986
Dear Daddy,
Mommy said I can’t go to the hospital to visit you. I think the rules are wrong. I want to see you. I hope you’re feeling lots better. Grandma took me to the Park and we saw a dog. Can I have a dog soon? I want to name him Blackie.
Love,
Leni Jo
***
Dr. Steven Milton
Doctors’ Clinic
100 Spruce Avenue
Pine Ridge, WA 98005
October 12, 1986
Dear Lesley,
To celebrate your eight years of dedicated service, I’m giving you one week’s extra vacation. Gloria and I know that your friend in New York is going through a very rough period just now. As a thank-you for all you’ve done for my office, Gloria and I would also like to give you this airline ticket to New York.
Sincerely,
Dr. Steven Milton, OB-GYN
And Gloria Milton
***
Park West Medical
284 Central Park West, Suite 1A New York, NY 10024
November 7, 1986
Dear Judge Jillian Gordon,
I’m sorry I haven’t been in the office to personally return your phone call. Perhaps that worked out for the best because it’s given me time to think over your difficult question.
Although I was Montgomery’s primary physician before the cancer surgery, I am only one member of the medical team that is currently treating him. I understand the cancer hasn’t responded as we’d hoped to the chemotherapy and radiation. I’m very sorry to hear that. I was able to check with my colleagues and learned that Montgomery has refused any further treatments. I concur with his decision.
Now to your question. No, I can’t persuade him to continue. Nor do I recommend any type of experimental treatment available in other countries. I can understand how painful this is for you. Unfortunately it is too late. Your husband wants to die with dignity. My suggestion is that you call a Hospice team and take him home.
With deepest regrets,
Dr. Larry Lyman, MD
***
In Loving Memory
Of
Montgomery Charles Gordon
September 22, 1930—December 23, 1986
1989
Jillian’s Journal
January 1, 1989
Mom and Leni Jo are spending the day together, and this gives me a few moments to myself. Since Monty’s death, the holidays have been especially difficult. Being alone has been a painful adjustment. I never thought I’d be a widow at thirty-eight, but then I didn’t expect Nick to die at age twenty, either. Life is full of unpleasant and unwelcome surprises.
Even now, a little over two years after Monty died, I struggle with bitterness and self-pity. My emotions are like an undertow, and the current is deadly and silent. Just keeping my head above water is a struggle. The only one who knows how hard these last years have been is Lesley. I dare not let on to Mom or Leni Jo how I feel. For them I put on a smile and pretend.
I’ve discovered something noteworthy about pretending. It’s a highly underrated skill. I’ve gotten quite good at it. Good enough to almost fool myself into believing I’ve adjusted to widowhood. There are days I pretend I’m happy to such a successful degree, I actually feel that way. Some days it completely slips my mind that Monty won’t be walking in the door just in time for dinner. It’s late evening before I remember that my husband and I won’t be snuggling in front of the fireplace or reading briefs together. For Leni Jo and my mom, I can pretend, but at night, when I’m alone in our bed, the reality chokes me.
I don’t believe I’ve slept an entire night since Monty was diagnosed with cancer. Certainly not since his death. Some nights I wake and just stare at the wall. Every man I have ever loved has died. Nick, my father, my unborn son, and now my husband. But I can’t allow the losses in my life to diminish the good things. It’s times like this—when the weight of my grief nearly overwhelms me—that I pause and remember everything I do have. My daughter is my very heart, and my mother is healthy and whole. I have a satisfying career that keeps me focused and challenged. Lesley has been my best friend my entire life, and without her I don’t know what I would’ve done.
Monty left me well enough off that I need never worry about money. I can work or not, whatever I desire. Yes, there’s been great pain in my life, but on the other hand I have much to be grateful for.
Okay, onward and forward. This is the dawn of yet another year. Leni Jo turned eleven in November and astonishes me with her wonderful, wry sense of humor. Not surprisingly, my daughter and my mother are the very best of friends. They spend at least part of every day with each other. Often when I get home, the two of them already have dinner started. Mom is currently teaching Leni Jo to embroider tea towels and pillowcases. Their relationship is strong, bonded by love and laughter. In ways I can’t, Mom has helped Leni Jo deal with the loss of her father.