Beyond Complicated (10 page)

"Are you in Vegas? Just tel me when you're coming home." He didn't want to play. Spoilsport.

"I'm in PC. Probably today. I'm fucking cold.

But that's al I'm fucking, how about you?" I knew it was a low blow. But I had to know. No, I didn't. I didn't want to know.

"He's devastated. And no, we're not fucking.

He didn't know, Liam."

"He should have." I didn't know I was going to break down but I did. Just started crying right there in the sand. "He knew me wel enough to know I'd never agree to something like that. I'd have done ten more movies or twenty or a hundred but never anything like that. And he just let them. Oh, god, why am I teling you this? I wish you hadn't seen that. Why did you watch that? They raped me. Deakman raped me. Covered his ass by paying me some cash. Kel?"

"I love you, you know that, right? I wish I could be with you right now. I wish you hadn't left. Liam, come home. Everything wil be al right. Just come home." I could hear choked tears in his voice and I felt shame al over again. "Seth loves you. He wants to try and make this right. He doesn't know how. But he knows he was played. He knows he should have trusted you."

"That's nice for him. It's realy nice that he knows now. But nothing has changed. I stil love him.

But I stil have nightmares. I can't trust. I don't… I can't get close to anyone. I haven't—shit, I am not teling you this shit." I sat up in the sand and dried my face.

"Are you HIV positive? Is that why you told Seth to get tested?"

"What? No. Fuck no. Why would you think that?"

"That last guy, he didn't use a condom. Shit, Liam, is that why you were so sick al those years ago?"

"I'm not talking about that. Not with you or anybody else. Are you sleeping with him?" I don't know why I asked I don't know why my gut clenched at the thought of them together.

"No. I'm staying with you. I probably won't—

he hasn't asked, you know. I don't know I'm just realy confused. In a goddamned love triangle with—"

"What time is it? Shouldn't you be in class or something?" I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I needed distance. From him. From that. From him knowing that.

"Ten o'clock Thursday morning and I'm sitting outside between classes. Looking at al the cute guys.

Wondering if I should pick one up."

"Maybe. Sounds like a plan. Get back in the saddle."

"Liam…" He paused too long so I knew what he said next would kick me in my teeth. "He was my first. I'd never had sex before."

I closed my phone. I mean what was I supposed to say to that? Holy fucking shit. I flopped back in the sand and wished for one huge motherfucking wave to come and wash me away.

Rain it seemed was the only way to force me to get off my ass. Ice cold driving rain complete with thunder and lightning. I made a run for the motel and made it just as the bottom fel out. I sat in my room for al of ten minutes before I decided it was time to stop this walowing in misery and at least pretend to be an adult. I left the few items I'd purchased and checked out. But I took my goddamn sweet time driving back to Talahassee.

I drove down the coast through Mexico Beach and Port St Joe and Apalachicola. It had been years since I was down this way. Not much had changed, more condos but after a while you don't notice. I finaly made my way in state and backtracked to town, arriving home just as the sun was sinking in the sky. Kel found me sitting in the steaming hot shower trying to get warm a little while after that.

"Are you hungry?" he shouted over the sound of the water.

"Not realy," I shouted back. I was but I wasn't going to tel him that. My stomach actualy growled at the mere mention of food.

"Wel, I've got take out, if you are." He closed the door and I leaned into the spray. At least he isn't cooking. Now get up and act like a goddamned man. I ordered my knees to work and I climbed out of the tub.

I felt better. Not frozen anymore, at least. I dried off and snagged on a pair of boxers and a robe. My warm one. And padded out to the scent of something spicy and sweet.

"Hope you don't mind Chinese, I didn't want pizza and thought Mexican would be pushing it." He looked good. Tired and worried. More like a parent than a kid. He'd stripped down to just his jeans after he'd gotten home.

"Chinese is fine." I took a plate and sat at the tal table letting one foot rest on the floor. "I see you've done some cleaning. And rearranged my kitchen," I said, looking around at the organized canisters, my leg bouncing with pent-up nervous energy.

"Yeah, I sort of liked being alone, and then I went out of my mind and had to do something. Besides it's not like you use the kitchen." He sat a glass of wine in front of me. Wine was my undoing. I could drink a dozen beers and not feel a thing. One glass of wine could sometimes knock me on my ass. I drank it anyway. And held the glass out for a refil.

"I most certainly do use the kitchen. I can boil pasta and open spaghetti sauce with the best of them."

The wine was already working on my system. I winked at my kid who nearly choked on his… whatever the hel this stuff is. I stirred my fork through something gooey on top of rice. Wel, whatever, it tasted pretty good.

"How is school?"

"Same as always. It's there. I'm doing pretty good grade-wise. I can graduate at the end of the semester with a degree in political science. Or I can hold out one more semester for a biology degree. I think I want to do that. But it wil mean taking three more science classes al at one time. I like biology but I'm not sure I can handle three at once."

He was babbling to fil the silence or because he was nervous or, I had no idea why he was babbling.

"Sounds like you know what you want. So what do you want to do? Go another semester, or string it out through a summer session? If money is an issue I'l help you pay for the extra time. It's not like you've ever asked me for anything."

"Besides the bike, you mean? Which by the way, since you asked, I'm getting it back tomorrow and it's going to look awesome."

"And since I'm being so nosy. How have you been getting around town without basic transportation?"

"Friends. And the bus. I'm not above public transportation. And no, I haven't seen him since Monday."

My skin prickled at just the mention of Seth.

Kel looked up from his meal quickly, his eyes when they met and held mine were anxious. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—listen, Liam, I'm here if you want to talk. I might not know what you went through, but I'm a pretty good listener."

"You're a good kid. And I love you for the offer. But, I'm not interested in sharing my sordid little life with you, baby. There's just so much about me you should not know."

"Not so much as you think." He did that lopsided grin thing that told me he wasn't as angelic as his face led me to believe. "You left your trunk of secrets unlocked. For three days. I was al alone.

With… oh my god, I had to go take a cold fucking shower."

"Kel. Please tel me you didn't. Oh fuck, you did."

"He who shal not be named tonight was fucking hot. Long blond hair. I watched him fal in love with you. Damn, Liam. What the hel about the names? Beau and Luke. Who thought that shit up?"

"The producer wanted to cal me Lucky or some bulshit. He settled on Luke. I was not using my real name. I had visions of Moira or god forbid your mother googling me and finding me in al my glory." I poured more wine because if I was going to have this conversation, I sure as hel did not want to remember it in the morning.

"And what a glory you are. When you were young… younger, you're not old, I didn't mean to imply. God but you were beautiful. And built. And—

hung. God. I didn't just say that."

"Hence the reason your mother wanted in my pants when I was stil just a kid," I said to cover my embarrassment. "She knew or at least she'd heard the rumor."

"Christ, how in the hel does that kind of rumor get around a school?" He looked as if he wanted to crawl under the floor.

"Locker room talk that leaks out. I played footbal, remember. I wasn't shy. Hel, I've never been shy. Drove my mom to drink when I was little. I'd strip down in the yard and run around naked for al the neighbors to see. There are pictures. Just ask her." Oh yeah, the wine had kicked in because that would be the only reason this was funny.

"Yeah, I might do that, Okay, no, that would be awkward and disturbing. Anyway, at least you weren't a virgin at twenty-one." He shrugged and ducked hastily to focus on his plate.

"And you'd be wrong. With the exception of Sabrina, that is. I didn't have that much experience with guys until I was…" I paused doing the mental math in my head. "Almost twenty-two. Not much more than a few quick fumbles at a party or in a bathroom between classes. Nothing. I had my first real sexual experience for the camera. With a man. So did Seth."

It didn't hurt so much saying his name. It realy didn't bother me that Seth had been Kel's first. I guess there could have been worse choices. "Oh."

"He must have seen something special in you.

He's a great lover." What the hel was I saying?

"He learned it from you." Kel's voice went very soft. His eyes became soft and dreamy. He didn't look away, just held my gaze for a moment before he cleared his throat. "I… ah… I have a ton of homework. So, I'm going to go start that and it's getting late. Are you going into work tomorrow? Because I don't want to wake you if you're going to be here."

"I caled in and took my vacation time. I'l be here. If you need a ride to class or something let me know."

"I'l do that. Okay. G'night." He hastily placed his dishes in the washer and was down the hal before I could say a word. His door slammed and then music coming on was al I heard after that.

What the hel just happened?

"I have no fucking idea what… and I'm talking to myself. Shit." I got up and finished cleaning up the kitchen then I went and locked the damned chest. After that, I tried to watch television but nothing appealed. At eleven, I gave up and went to bed. But sleep didn't come. I tossed and turned and tried to shut everything out.

I think I finaly fel asleep after Kel left for class, sometime at the butt crack of dawn. His muffled curse as he stumbled in the hal made me smile. After that I don't remember much. My phone ringing next to my head woke me up. "Yeah?"

"Wel don't you sound chipper. But you never were a morning person now that I think about it. How you manage a day job is beyond me."

"What do you want, Seth?" I couldn't manage a good pissed off voice. "Better yet, how did you get my number?"

"What do you think, and how do you think?"

He laughed softly on the other end of the line, turning down the music that played in the background. I always loved his laugh, the sound of it left me weak in the knees. Now was no exception.

"I don't want to talk about it, and I wil kick his scrawny ass." I roled onto my stomach and pressed the phone to my ear, the sound of his voice somehow soothing me.

"Don't take it out on him. I made him give it to me. I knew you'd never see me again and I can't let you just walk away this time."

"Why can't you just let it go, Seth, it's history.

Let it go."

"Like you have? Liam, baby, you're hurting so much. I didn't know. I swear to God. I'l cut off my hand and give it to you—whatever it takes. I didn't know. I would never have agreed to that if I knew…

You were my life. I loved you. I stil love you."

"I'm not your baby. Not anymore." I puled the cover over my head hoping to shut out the light and the pain.

"Okay. We're done. I get that." I heard him sigh and shuffle papers as the silence stretched out between us. "What are you doing today?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Because I have your things. I've saved them al these years. Come see me. I won't come back to your place. You can leave whenever you need to. I'm not going to… Hel, Liam just get up and put on some clothes and come to town. I need you to get this shit because I'm through holding on to it."

"Fine. But I'm not talking about that day. I don't want to be friends. And what if I don't want whatever you have?"

"Just get here. I have an appointment at four, be here before that."

I hung up after he rattled off his address, in one of the trendy studio apartments downtown near the capitol building. Swank. But that was always Seth's way. He loved nice things. I just didn't care.

I climbed out of bed and after a bowl of cold cereal, I dressed carefuly. Nice jeans. A tailored button down shirt that fit me like a second skin. It was white with tiny blue flowers. I cuffed the sleeves up to my elbows. Jewelry. My favorite watch, a loose gold chain bracelet. I wore the necklace I used to wear. A long leather cord with several charms knotted into the end. I used to love how it dangled onto his chest when I fucked him. I had it on that day. It was al I had left of that time. Now I never wore it. I couldn't stand the sight of it. So why the hel was I wearing the damned thing?

I shoved my feet into a pair of brown leather loafers and grabbed my favorite jacket. The leather bomber I'd gotten in high school. It was a little snug on me but it stil fit. Plus it showed off my ass to perfection.