Beyond Hope's Valley: A Big Sky Novel (34 page)

I
nstead of having her things taken to Aaron's house, Marianna had them delivered to Levi and Naomi's place. It seemed silly to move things into the house Aaron built when the date for their wedding hadn't yet been set. They both agreed it would be better to wait for Levi and Naomi's big day. Then they would talk. Then they would plan . . .

In the other room Naomi sang to little Samuel as she gave him a bath. Marianna looked over the boxes of things she'd stacked around her small room. She looked again to the dusty box she had Ben pull from the top shelf. Were there any things inside that Mem could take back for Ellie and Joy? How special that would be to have her younger sisters playing with the same dolls she had as a child.

Marianna lifted out the dolls and noticed some worn journals underneath. Opening them up, she noticed her mother's handwriting. Marianna dropped down onto the bed, still staring at the words. A knot in her gut tightened. Should she read them?

Before she second-guessed herself, she skimmed over the page:

I had to get a new journal. Marilyn had scribbled on the old one and I couldn't write a word inside. I just broke out into tears crying every time I tried.

Abe went out and spent the evening in the barn again. It never used to take him two hours to muck the stalls. He came in smelling of the Lexol leather conditioner and Neatsfoot oil he used to care for the horses' harnesses. It's so lonesome here inside the house with the younger ones sleeping. I try to think of warm memories, but my mind soon wanders. I thought I'd caused Abe enough pain as it was, but now . . . the pain of losing the girls is unlike anything I've known. The worst part is we deal with it alone, each hiding away in our own thoughts.

There Mem had stopped. On the next page was a recipe for granola. And the page after that was a list of seeds Mem had wanted to buy for her spring garden. Marianna flipped through the rest of the pages and she noticed none of the rest were Mem's personal thoughts. There were cute things she and Levi said. There were more recipes and even a sketch of a quilt design.

What had made Mem stop?

Marianna thought about her own journals she left in Montana. Heat rose to her cheeks at the thought of anyone reading her words. She was thankful now Mem's journal hadn't shared more. Still, how had Mem and Dat made it through those hard times?

Taking a smaller box, Marianna pulled out the things for Ellie and Joy and carried them to the living room. Naomi sat there nursing Samuel. Levi was nowhere to be found.

"He's out in the barn," Naomi said, as if anticipating her question. Marianna nodded and headed out the front door. He'd been staying out there a lot.

As she entered, he tilted his chin to her as a welcome. Sitting on a milich bench, Levi turned the harness over in his hands studying the stitching, especially the stitches near the hardware. He took it apart next, undoing all the buckles, giving each piece a stress test, twisting it and turning it to see if it would break.

"Like father, like son." She sighed.

"What?"

She thought of her mother's journals but didn't want to tell Levi she'd read more than she should have. "Oh, I jest know Dat does that when he's tired or stressed. He gives all his harnesses the once-over. Stays out later in the barn than needs be."

His gaze narrowed. "Better to have a broken harness in your hands than one on your horse."

"
Ja
, of course, but I don't think it's your harness that's worrying you so."

She turned away from him. From the corner of her eye she watched him approach. He crooked his arm and caught Marianna with a soft elbow around her neck, pulling her into a gentle hug.

"Hey now." She tugged against his arm, pulling out of his embrace.

"How do you do that? I can't hide anything from you, can I?"

"I've learned to study you. Since I was small I could tell if you were the one who stole my cookies from my lunch pail." They stepped apart. "Something's bothering you. You want to talk about it?"

Levi put down his harness and let out a slow breath. "It seems natural a man should be doing a lot of thinking the week of his wedding. Especially . . ."

"Especially with the birth of Samuel and wonderings about . . . his father?"

Levi nodded. "I'm his father, but I know what you mean." He buckled the harness back up and then hung it on the correct hook. "I—I just consider marriage a big step. I just want to make sure she's the right one."

"Is she?"

A smile split Levi's face. "
Ja
, yes she is."

Bubbles bounced in Marianna's stomach and even though they were talking about him and Naomi she couldn't help but think of her and Aaron. "And how do you know this?"

"I know because I can't imagine her not being there when I have good news. I know because I look forward to seeing her smile. I know because the thought of her being with another man tears me in two.
I
want to be the one she wakes up to every day."

As he spoke those words, the barn around her faded to gray. Marianna knew . . . she knew deep down . . .

She'd made the wrong decision.

Marianna moved to the bench he'd been sitting on and sat, placing her hands on her knees.

Dear Lord, I haven't been truthful with myself, have I?

The problem was, truth—the truth hiding deep in her heart—would ruin everything.

Marianna walked from the barn to the house and noticed a car parked on the road close to the dawdi haus. Dusk had faded the world around her into muted colors. Yet it was light enough to see a young woman in Englisch dress waving at her. Marianna's mind was still foggy from her conversation with Levi and it took her a minute to realize it was Rebecca approaching.

Rebecca ran up wearing jeans and a pink T-shirt. She paused before Marianna. "Do you have plans today?" She smacked her bubble gum as she spoke.

"No, I don't think—"

"Good, then we're going somewhere." Rebecca tugged on her arm, leading her to the car.

"What are you talking about?"

"I know you and Ben haven't had a chance to talk much since he's been here. It seems that he was in town today, running an errand for your parents, and my boss, who is Ben's biggest fan, nearly fainted. She couldn't believe he was in Shipshewana or that he was friends with you. She demanded he come back tonight for a concert."

"A concert?" Marianna paused in her tracks, touching her kapp.

Rebecca blew out a sigh, held Marianna's arm firmer, and continued to the car.

"When are you going to remember you haven't been baptized yet? You can listen to music tonight. I insist. It's
your
Ben. I refuse to have you miss this."

Ben was already singing when they arrived. He wore a light blue T-shirt and sat in a chair in the center of the room. The tables had been pushed to the side and more chairs had been set up. People circled him in rings, like swirls around a cupcake. Someone had brought in a small sound system and he leaned forward into the mic. Her heart leapt as she listened to him. Heat rose up her neck and it was as though his voice embraced her. The music swelled and the emotion in her heart did too.

She hadn't realized how much she missed his voice until this moment. Tears flowed.

She tried to stay hidden in the back, but as Ben started to sing the song "Every Warm Cabin," she couldn't resist any longer. She had to leave. She couldn't sit and listen to this. She'd been a fool for trying to keep him at bay—for refusing the love he offered her, but there was nothing she could do about it. Her mother had been strong. She'd turned her back on the Englisch man she'd loved. Marianna told herself she could do the same. She
had
to do the same.

She rose and moved toward the restaurant door, when the guitar stopped.

"Marianna!"

Gasps carried across the room and whispers filled the space where his music had been a moment before.

"Is that her? The girl from the song?"

"How do they know each other?"

"Surely he isn't singing about an
Amish
woman."

She heard the scrape of a chair leg on the floor. He was rising, following her. She quickened her pace. Why had she come at all? She should have known hearing Ben's music—his voice—would stir her feelings.

Her hands pushed against the glass door. It opened and she hurried out to the sound of crickets meeting her ears.

"Marianna!"

She knew he wouldn't give up until he talked to her. Taking a deep breath, she allowed her steps to pause and turned around, staring into Ben's handsome face. She balled her hands into fists and all her love for God turned to anger.

How could You let this happen to me? Why did You have to bring him into my life?

"Thank you." The whispered word slipped from Ben's lips.

Her chin quivered from his closeness. "For wh-what?"

Ben smiled. "You've been running from me all week. Thank you for stopping."

From over his shoulder she could see that all those who'd been listening to the concert had turned and were now watching them through the window.

"We have an audience," she whispered, pointing.

"I'm used to it."

"They're all going to know—"

"Know what? That you're the girl in the song?"

She nodded.

"I don't see a problem with that. Do you?"

Marianna crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her right foot on the sidewalk, trying to release some of her nervousness. "Well, I am promised to be married to an Amishman."

Ben shrugged. "That's not my fault. In fact if you'd like to we can go find Aaron." He pulled a set of keys from his pocket. "I have a rig. We can remedy that tonight."

He smiled again and seeing that smile was like a punch to the gut. Her toe tapping stopped and instead she stomped her foot, blowing out her frustration in a quick breath. "Do you think this is a joke? Do you not realize this is my life? This is my town, Ben, and you've made a spectacle of me. Do you not think it will get back to my parents—and the church—how you ran out after me? Aaron's going to find out and his family too. That's the family I'm supposed to be a part of soon. They're going to hear. They're going to know . . ." She lowered her head and placed her hands over her face.

"I'm sorry. I—"

"You're sorry that you weren't thinking? Is that what you were going to say?" She turned her back on the fans staring out the window. Turning her back on him.

"Why did you come here, Ben? Why do you have to make things so hard?"

"Things wouldn't be hard if you didn't have feelings for me. You do have feelings for me, don't you, Marianna?" He placed a soft hand on her shoulder.

She jerked her shoulder away, refusing to answer. Refusing to even consider . . .

Ben cleared his throat. "I know this isn't the place or the time, so I'll let you keep walking, but I want you to know that I've waited . . . and I'll keep waiting. Until you make a vow to another I'm not going to give up hope."