Beyond Reason (11 page)

“Long time no see,” I said, as Ayden wrapped his arms around my waist. The hug was completely different than his brother’s, more intimate. Or was it in my head?

“Too long,” he murmured, tucking his chin down slightly by my ear.

Definitely not in my head!

He let go and I caught Mason watching us, shaking his head. I pushed Ayden away playfully, chuckling.

“See what I mean? You’re very complicated,” I teased.

“Ayden complicated?” Mason belted out. “Yeah, right. He’s about as deep as a kiddie pool.”

I couldn’t help but widen my grin as Ayden thumped his brother on the head.

“Lily, I made your favorite cheese dip,” Brandy hollered from the kitchen. “Get your butt in here.”

“That’s why you’re my BFF,” I laughed.

“Is that all it takes?” Ayden asked.

I rolled my eyes and started toward the kitchen.

Every single surface was covered in Christmas décor, and I loved it. Brandy was definitely allowing herself to feel at home at Aaron’s house, and I was so happy to see it. On my way to the kitchen, I leaned over to check out a tiny North Pole village and laughed as I saw Brandy and Aaron’s heads cut out and pasted on Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

Brandy was done for.

And so was Aaron.

“Thanks, for making my favorite cheesy concoction in the world, Mrs. Claus,” I said, scooping the dip up on a chip.

She froze.

“You saw that?” She turned bright red and crinkled her nose.

“Uh, yeah. It’s right in plain sight. I’m surprised Ayden or Mason haven’t seen it yet.”

“And let’s hope they don’t. I don’t want to hear about it all through the holidays and then on our vacation,” she warned, her brow furrowed slightly.

I threw my hands up vowing not to tell.

“So are you really okay with meeting up with Austin?” she asked, her tone turning serious.

I nodded. “I am. Totally.”

And thanks to last night, I was.

“How are you feeling? You look like you’re doing really well,” I told Brandy. I knew she didn’t like any of us to concentrate on her health and recovery, but I was so proud of her for overcoming so many obstacles that had been thrown her way since the accident. Not to mention all of the legal stuff that followed.

She turned around and smiled, holding a gingerbread cookie. “The pain is almost non-existent. Sometimes it sneaks up on me and slows me down a bit, but that’s life. Even though I was determined to be skiing or snowboarding on this trip, my physical therapist has convinced me that a fall this year would be detrimental to my recovery. And we all know that if I’m propped up on either one of those contraptions, I’m bound to hit the ground.”

“That sucks,” I replied. I knew she’d see through me if I played like it’s no big deal, but to Brandy it was. She never wanted to miss out.

“It does. But next year, he promised I can fall down as much as I want.” She took another bite of the cookie.

“Well, good! We can get ourselves prepared for that.” I eyed her cookie and she handed me one.

“They’re from Gabby’s bakery,” she confirmed.

“I’d hope so,” I replied, biting the head off the gingerbread man.

I heard laughter coming from the family room as everyone’s attention was trained on National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, but then I felt a large hand settle on my shoulder from behind just as I was about to swallow.

A wave of energy ran along my arm and I tried not to look affected.

“Hey,” Ayden whispered. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

I traded awkward glances with Brandy and nodded. “Sounds serious.”

“It is. It’s about Brandy’s Christmas present,” he said, his expression not giving anything away.

“Then by all means go get it sorted,” Brandy commanded, gesturing for me to leave the kitchen. “I don’t want hiccups getting in the way of my gift receiving.”

“Right, because that’s what this holiday is truly about.”

I followed Ayden out of the kitchen and into the study.

“So what’s up?” I asked, reclining on the leather sofa. Ayden took a seat at the far end of the couch, which seemed a bit odd. Maybe, it really was about Brandy’s present.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m actually bringing someone with me to Utah,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. My heart fell, but I managed to keep my face in the full upright position. They always say that’s good for crash landings.

“Sweet,” I replied, keeping my gaze on his. I didn’t want to show even a flicker of disappointment, but I couldn’t hold my snarkilicious in. I needed to offer just one jab. “Is it the blonde from last night?”

His eyes fell to the rug and his jaw tensed.

Oh. My. God. It was. That backfired.

“Yeah, actually it is. I dated her years ago. She started traveling a lot for her modeling career so things—”

“Ayden, I promise. You don’t have to justify it to me. I think it’s great. Plus, she’s gorgeous,” I interrupted.

He bit his lip and continued to stare at the floor.

Awkward much?

“Shouldn’t you be happy about not being the third wheel? I know that was some sort of fear you had.” I smiled, still waiting for him to look at me.

Still nothing. What the hell?

“Okay, so I think that’s fabulous, and I’m sure she’ll be a lot of fun to hang out with,” I continued.

Lies, lies, all lies!

“I’m sorry. I…” He finally began to speak and what did I do? I cut him off.

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” I assured him. I stood up and sat right next to him on the couch. “Your friendship means the world to me. I’ve opened up to you about things I’ve never uttered to anyone. I get it. You’re a guy and—”

His eyes flashed up to mine, and I felt my chest tighten. He pressed his lips together, his hand falling to my knee as his eyes focused on mine.

“I don’t think you do get it, Lily. I saw the way you looked when you spoke about Austin. I don’t want to get in the way. There was something there, like you said. You guys shared something. I don’t want to be a distraction. And I know myself more than I’d like to admit. I’d make sure that I became a distraction. This is too important for you to have me screwing it up. That’s why I’m bringing her.” The pained look in his eyes was impossible to miss.

I don’t know why I always thought my actions would numb the pain or divert a catastrophe because they never did.

They always complicated things.

Closing my eyes, I leaned in close to Ayden, and I softly kissed him. Not on the lips, just across his jawline. But I felt it, his body tensed and an overwhelming current ran between us. I leaned back and slowly opened my eyes but not before realizing his were still closed as if he had to commit this moment to memory. I touched his cheek, but he grabbed my hand, his eyes now open and locking on mine. We shared this moment in silence, our eyes taking each other in, as if it was our farewell of what could have been before we even started.

“I’ve been there before…when you think the mistakes of your past will define you. But they don’t,” he finally replied. “You may still have that connection with Austin. You probably do, actually. And it’s worth fighting for. And if you decide that’s not what’s best for you, then you’re going to need space to move on, mourn once and for all. I refuse to get in the way.”

“You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you,” I muttered.

He didn’t reply. Instead, Ayden stood up, leaving me in the study to analyze what the hell just happened. Besides the obvious, which was that I threw my two cents in and complicated the matter, he was letting me go. But I was never his in the first place.

The front door opened and Gabby and Jason came in, carrying trays of goodies. I jumped up and ran over, praying for a distraction, which I got all too quickly.

“Merry Christmas,” Gabby sang, as I hopped in front of her, taking two of the trays off her stack.

“Merry Christmas,” I replied, smiling at Jason as he watched Gabby glide through the entry. That was the kind of love I wanted—the complete adoration of another type of love.

Was that too much to ask?

Possibly!

“I’ve got a little something for you that will hopefully calm your mind about our little excursion,” Gabby whispered.

“Oh no,” I muttered back.

“Seriously, I think if you weren’t excited about it, you will be now.” She placed the trays down on the kitchen counter, and Brandy gave her a big squeeze.

“Did you get my gift drama out of the way with my brother?” Brandy asked, as Ayden was grabbing a soda out of the refrigerator.

“I did. He was just worrying about nothing.”

Ayden avoided my gaze as he walked out of the kitchen, not saying a word.

Gabby was digging around in her purse until she finally found a piece of paper, which was folded up in a tight square. She handed it over to me, and I quickly unfolded it, my heart pounding as I saw Austin’s name up top.

“It’s an email from him. I wanted Austin to know that this was entirely our idea, and you had nothing to do with it and were beyond mortified that we’d done this. I also made it clear that out of all the years we’d known you, you’d only mentioned him once. You know, I was trying to make it sound like you weren’t one of those chicks pining for their old boyfriends nonstop,” Gabby rambled.

“Thanks for throwing me a bone,” I laughed, my eyes falling to the message.

Hey-

No sweat. I’m actually glad you reached out. I’ll admit, it was a little weird at first, but I feel better knowing it wasn’t her idea.

I looked up from the letter and scowled at Gabby.

“How is this supposed to make me feel better?”

“Keep reading. You’ll see,” Gabby said.

I don’t know what all she’s told you about us, especially given she only mentioned me once. I’ve been a dick over the last several years not responding to her letters, and it would be nice to be able to apologize to her.

I broke my gaze free from the letter, “Again, this isn’t really helping me feel at ease about this whole thing.”

Brandy and Gabby traded looks and I continued reading.

This message is somewhere between my tenth and twentieth attempt at emailing you back, and it’s not any easier so I’ll get straight to the point because everything I want to say just doesn’t come out right in print. I do want to see her. Please tell her fall or fly, I’m by her side. She’ll know what it means. I’ve got a reservation under my name for drinks at seven o’clock in the bar at the Lodge.

A. Graham

Fall or fly
, my stomach tightened as I reread his words. The words he told me every single day after Jake’s death to make me get out of bed. I swallowed the lump down and wiped at the tears that were threatening to cascade down my cheeks.

“Oh, sweetie. Don’t cry,” Brandy said, wrapping her arms around me.

“Maybe, this was a bad idea,” Gabby said.

I shook my head taking in a deep sniff. “No, it was a brilliant idea. And I should have done it myself a long time ago.”

“What’s going on in here?” Ayden’s voice wary.

“Do you mind if he sees it?” Brandy asked, glancing at the paper.

I shook my head, and Brandy grabbed the paper from my hands and shoved it over to Ayden.

Those words had haunted me from the moment I’d left him. They were responsible for every guilty, regret-filled thought that plagued me every single day since I was eighteen, and Austin knew it.

Letting out a sigh, I glanced over at Ayden as he continued to read. I needed this trip more than Brandy and Gabby ever could’ve imagined, whether it was for closure or new beginnings. I was ready to take the beating.

Ayden’s gaze slowly lifted to meet mine and a warmth spread through me as I saw concern fill his expression. I bit my lip and nodded, answering his silent question.

I was going to be okay.

“What’s going on, you guys? Why does Ayden seem to understand the letter more than we do?” Brandy asked, crossing her arms.

“I haven’t been completely forthright about everything. There’s some stuff I need to tell you about Austin.”

“And my brother already knows?” Brandy asked bewildered.

“Yeah, the poor guy got an earful last night at his launch party,” I said, dismissing the importance.

I saw Ayden’s shoulders drop out of my periphery, but I couldn’t worry about it. I needed to straighten myself out first.

“It didn’t occur to me that there was more to the story,” she said nervously.

Ayden handed me the letter back and our eyes connected, but this time there was no hiding the turmoil that my action caused.

And for that I was very sorry.