Beyond the Horizon (The Sons of Templar MC Book 4) (29 page)

Asher’s hand tilted my chin so my wayward eyes would meet his. “Do not lay any blame on yourself for this, Lily,” he commanded. “Addicts excel at hiding their addiction….” he paused. “You were running yourself ragged taking care of your mom, you could never have expected this,” he said firmly. There was another pause, this time, a loaded one. “You didn’t tell me,” he observed.

I shook my head. I didn’t think he was finished speaking, and I really didn’t want to get into why I didn’t tell him. We never got what we wanted in these situations it seemed. He stayed still a moment, and I waited for him to say something more, for him to say he was here for me how I should share things with him, how he was going to take care of everything. He didn’t. The silence lasted longer than I was comfortable with, it wasn’t comfortable. It was the first time the absence of words with Asher had me feeling anxious.

He very gently gathered me up and lifted me off his chest, and placed me on the pillow beside him. I went up on my elbow, my stomach churning. I wanted to give him an explanation, but I felt tired of constantly justifying my reasons to him. To myself.

He pushed up off the bed, still silent, then padded over to the wall beside my armchair, staring at it a moment, then plowing his fist through it.

I jumped and sat up abruptly, pulling the sheets over my naked body. I regarded his tattooed back in horror. He placed both his hands on the wall, bowing his head and taking a deep breath before turning to face me. His face was blank.

I looked from the hole in the plasterboard to his fist, which was dripping blood.

This was the first time I’d seen Asher lose control, really lose control.

“You’re bleeding,” I observed in a small voice.

“You were in another hospital, facing the real possibility you could be losing another person in your life,” he started quietly, ignoring me. “Facing more shit that doesn’t seem to give you any respite. Facing that alone,” he stated flatly.

“I didn’t lose her,” I replied softly.

Asher’s gaze darted up. “You didn’t know that at the time. I was too busy tearing the fuckin’ town apart trying to find you, angry as shit at you, thinking you were fuckin’ round at some club and you were alone,” he clipped in a cold voice.

I stared at him, unsure of what to say, what to do. He had never acted like this, he seemed angry, that was obvious. And something else. Defeated.

“Asher,” I began.

“When are you going to get this?
You’re not fucking alone!
” he roared at the end, and I flinched. Not at the anger, but the pain in his voice.

He stepped forward. “You’re not alone, flower,” he said softly. “I don’t know how else to tell you, to show you. I can’t control that,” he gestured to the door, “as much as I would like to stand in front of you and bear the brunt of everything that keeps coming at you, I can’t. I can’t stop it. I can’t control it. But I can make sure you don’t face it alone. You’ll never be alone with this shit again, I want you, Lily. Not for now, not for a while, forever,” he declared fiercely, kneeling beside the bed. He grasped my hands. “You’re strong in ways I’m not. And I’m strong in ways you aren’t. That’s why we work. I know shit is hard for you. That being around crowds, around people you don’t know scares the shit out of you. I know you’re suffering from a loss that gutted you. That you struggle every day with a condition that can make it feel impossible to breathe. That you get stuck inside your head and don’t know how to get out…” he paused and brushed a tear from my cheek. “All that should bring a person to their knees. Instead, my flower stands tall. Beauty blossoms where on most people it would wither. You’re willing to give your all for the one person you’ve got left.” His hand tightened on mine. “While I admire the shit outta that, babe. I’m not gonna let you do that. I need this,” he trailed his hand down to my chest, to my heart, “I need you if I’m going keep breathing easy. So let me help you. Let’s face this together,” he stated, though there was a question in there too.

Tears were pouring down my cheeks unbidden at this point. I couldn’t hold them in anymore. I knew he was perceptive, that our connection was out of the ordinary, that he saw more than other people. I didn’t realize he saw everything. He didn’t just see everything, he understood it. Even Mom, who knew what I struggled with, couldn’t truly understand was I was—the was I was. She accepted it, unconditionally. I never thought I’d meet someone that understood it.

“Lily?” Asher said softly.

“I love you,” I blurted through my tears. “I want forever, too. Beyond forever,” I continued in a whisper.

Asher’s face changed completely, softened completely. His chocolate eyes blazed into mine. “Marry me,” he said in a voice husky with emotion.

I didn’t hesitate. Not like I did with everything else. Overthink it, trying to find the sense. I didn’t need to look for the sense.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Asher’s hand fastened at the back of my neck, and he pulled me in for the most beautiful kiss I had ever experienced.

“Marry me tomorrow,” he murmured against my mouth.

Again, I didn’t hesitate, didn’t state the reasons why not, the stuff swirling out there. Instead, I smiled into his mouth, letting the feeling of elation lift me up.

“You can’t get married in one day, there’s forms, hoops to jump through,” I protested weakly.

Asher grasped my head. “I got it, babe,” he promised.

And for once, I didn’t question him.

“Let’s do it,” I whispered.

Asher grinned against my mouth, it was safe to say he beamed. Then he made love to me, slowly, beautifully. In a way that the outside world failed to exist, and it was just him and me.

“You’re beautiful, Lils,” Bex whispered, wiping a tear from her made up face.

I regarded myself in the mirror. My white blonde hair tumbled down my back in soft curls, two small plaits were pulled back on either side of my face. My makeup was natural, understated. Me.

It was the dress, the dress that caused my fingers to tingle and my eyes to prickle. What had Bex’s heavy eye makeup running down her face. My mom bought it for me.

Two months before she died, she gave it to me.

“I’ve got a present for you, Lily,” Mom exclaimed softly, leaning on the doorframe to the living room.

I pushed off the sofa, closing the lid to my laptop abruptly. Mom didn’t need to see the sites I was surfing. Scouring actually. Searching for some last minute cure.

“Mom, you shouldn’t be out of bed,” I scolded gently, my stomach turning at the way she held that frame for support, the way her colored pants hung off her emaciated frame. “And you most definitely shouldn’t be giving me presents,” I added.

Her bright eyes lit up, and she gave me a mischievous grin. “I’m the mother here, I say when I should and shouldn’t be out of bed,” she teased. “And, as the mother, it is my prerogative to give my daughter gifts. Now come on,” she waved her hand at me.

Despite the sorrow swimming in the depths of my soul, I smiled and walked toward her. I was getting good at making it look genuine. She linked her arm in mine, and I didn’t miss how heavily she leaned into me.

“Sit,” she commanded when we made it to her brightly decorated bedroom.

I did as she commanded and planted myself on the quilt that she and I had made when we first moved here. My eyes flickered around the room at the photos, at the scarves draped over lamps, antique perfume bottles arrayed on her dresser and clothes messily strewn across the floor. It looked normal. Like nothing had changed. My eyes touched the multiple pill bottles scattering her nightstand. Harbingers of change. Of doom.

“Here,” she exclaimed.

I moved my weary gaze to where she was standing by her overflowing closet, blinking away my tears. That didn’t really work when my eyes caught what she had in her hands.

“Mom,” I choked.

She gave me a chastising look. “No tears. Put it on,” she commanded, thrusting it at me.

I took it woodenly and as if on autopilot, I divested myself of my clothes and put on the garment she handed to me.

She zipped me up and stood behind me as we both looked in the mirror.

“Prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, my Lily,” she whispered in my ear. “I knew the moment I saw it, it was you. It would be what you wore on your wedding day, to help you shine. The day you walked down to meet the man who appreciates everything my beautiful Lily is. Sees in you. Exactly who you are,” she continued in a bright voice.

Tears streamed silently down my cheeks as I looked at the dress she’d bought for me. The wedding dress. The sheer long sleeves were flowing and tapered in with a button at my wrists. The entire bodice was delicate flowered lace. From underneath my breasts, it cascaded down to my knees in layers of sheer fabric. It was the palest yellow you could imagine, and it fit me like it was made for me.

“I won’t be there when you meet him,” Mom whispered, pulling my hair back. “I won’t be here to watch that love blossom for my beautiful girl. I won’t be able to walk you down that aisle. I won’t be there in body, sweetheart. But I think the universe let me find this so I could be there in spirit,” she told me softly, pulling half my hair from my face.

I stared in the mirror a moment longer, then whirled, curling into my mother’s arms.

“You will be, Mom,” I sobbed into her chest. “You will be there, it’s not the end. You’re not leaving me,” I choked out.

She stroked my head and pulled back to hold me at arm’s length. She gazed at me with twinkling eyes.

“It’s not the end, Lily. It’s just a new beginning, I finally get to see what’s beyond the horizon,” she whispered.

I fingered the fabric on the dress, remembering that moment. The beauty of it. I didn’t believe in that stuff like Mom did, the universe, fate, the other side. How could I when the universe, fate, took my mom away from me? Took everything away from me. I couldn’t help but reconsider my cynicism. Because I felt her, right at that moment, looking at myself in the mirror. I didn’t just see myself, I saw her. I felt her warm presence at my side.

I blinked away my tears and took the bouquet of daisies Bex handed me. “Are you okay?” I asked with concern. Her black dress hung off her, and even makeup couldn’t cover the gray tinge to her skin.

She had refused to be anywhere but here, despite the fact she was still struggling with withdrawals. She hadn’t been angry that Asher knew, the two of them had had a hushed conversation that I hadn’t been privy to, but they seemed okay. Lucky seemed to be her shadow, much to her distaste. There was something between them. I think it scared her. He hadn’t figured out the truth yet, and I knew that terrified her.

She gave me a faux frown. “This is your wedding day, Lil, you’re not allowed to think about anyone but yourself….” she instructed firmly and paused. “I’m okay. I will be okay. Seeing you find this … happiness. It makes me happier than anything, Lils babe. Your mom would be so proud of you,” she whispered. “She would’ve approved, of him. Of the two of you.”

I nodded. “I know,” I replied with certainty.

She smiled. “Let’s go get you hitched.”

I let her lead me out of the little room attached to the city hall building in Amber. I didn’t care about the location. I was glad of it, to be honest. Glad that Lucky and Bex were the only people who knew, who were serving as witnesses. I didn’t want anyone else. I didn’t need to be the center of attention. I didn’t want the spectacle. I just wanted Asher.

We walked down the small hallway that led to the room Asher waited in. The nerves, the heaviness on my chest I expected didn’t come. For once, I wasn’t plagued with doubt, with the ever present fist threatening to squeeze the breath from me. It all fell away. And when Bex opened the doors to the room, my breath did leave me. But in a good way.

The room was empty, the rows of seats devoid of people. Three figures stood up on a small platform, but I only had eyes for one. Asher was wearing a simple black shirt, open at the collar. His cut was over the top. He wore black slacks and black motorcycle boots on his feet. His chocolate eyes were locked on me the moment I entered the room. His entire body jolted on my approach. Lucky elbowed him and whispered something in his ear, grinning widely.

Asher didn’t respond, didn’t act like anyone had spoken. He only had eyes for me. Me. Boring, normal, Lily. Except, I didn’t feel boring or normal. I felt beautiful, special. Extraordinary.