Biker Born: The Lost Souls MC Series (The Lost Souls Series Book 4) (18 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

MICHAEL

Word has got around the clubhouse about Rayna. The mood is low and buzzing with grief. All I get are questions from everyone asking after Mark and the baby. For every single question asked I want to deal out ten punches in return.

Mark hasn’t said a word for two days. All he does is sit by the baby’s cot and watches her. He doesn’t move and he doesn’t say a word. Not to anyone.

I left Oak and Big Ron at the hospital, Mark doesn’t want anyone around him but I wasn’t going to leave him alone.

The clubhouse is busy when I return but no one makes a move to approach me. I walk around the bar and push the prospect out of my way. I pick the largest bottle of whiskey and a glass and make my way to a free table.

I don’t waste time in pouring shots. I fill the glass to the top and drink till the entire contents are gone. My throat burns and I relish in it. After four large glasses, the bottle is nearly empty. A full bottle appears on the table and the empty one disappears.

Kitty’s perfume hits me before I see her and don’t look up when she sits next to me. She moves her chair closer to mine and cuddles into me. Sliding my arm around her, she sits in silence with me. It’s as much as I can deal with right now.

I drop the glass in favour of swigging from the bottle. I don’t see the point in wasting time.

“Michael, you should stop drinking,” Kitty purrs, lifting her head off my shoulder.

It’s not what I wanted to hear.

I swig again and say, “Don’t start with me babe, I’m going to drink as much as I want and I don’t want to hear another fuckin’ word about it,” I warn her, being the most serious I have ever been.

“Michael…”

“I said, don’t start. Just leave me alone, please Kit,” I’m almost pleading and she must hear the break in my voice towards the end because she stands and leaves me be.

My eyes follow her out and as she is walking out of the door. Micky passes her by and walks in. He spots me sitting on my own and takes a beer off of the prospect and heads my way.

“I can’t believe it, brother,” he sighs, taking a seat at my table.

Something in me snaps. Is he really going to go there with me?

I lean in closer to Micky.

“You should believe it, it’s your fault she’s dead.”

“What?” he asks, taken back by my statement.

“You should never have stopped, it was plain as fuckin’ day she needed the hospital and you stopped. They said if she got there sooner, they could’ve helped her.”

It’s all so clear now.

“Brother…”

“Don’t brother me, if she had had a doctor, they would’ve saved her. You made that impossible.”

I can’t deal with him now. I push back my chair loudly and stumble to my room. I need to be alone and not wrapped around people I can’t stand to look at.

The door has scarcely closed behind me before I drop to my knees and let the first tears I have cried in years fall free. I cry so hard I choke.

Why her?

Why take her?

She wasn’t mine, but at least she was in my life.

That’s all I had of her and I would happily trade everything I have to have that back.

I don’t care if my cries can be heard, I can’t control them anyway.

Small arms wrap themselves around me and pulls my head into their chest. It’s Kitty, I’d know her smell anywhere.

I hardly hear her soothing’s over my grief, until she murmurs, “It couldn’t be helped…”

I push her away and see that she has been crying.

“Why are you crying? You couldn’t care a shit about her.”

“I’m crying for you, do you think I like seeing you hurting?”

Selfish bitch. I don’t want her upset for me.

“It could’ve been helped, you know nothing.”

She backs away from me and looks confused.

“What are you going on about?”

“I’m talking about, the reason why she died.”

“She died giving birth, right?”

“Chase Carson shot at us, I had to lose them before I could get her to the hospital.”

“What? Mark never said anything,” she shrieks.

I snort, “Mark doesn’t know. I haven’t told him and I’m not going to. I want to kill them both myself.”

And I will.

“They’re both going to die, they both killed her.”

She stands up and comes closer to me.

“Both? Michael, you’re not making sense. Who else are you talking about?”

“Micky.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

MARK

The sound of the engine and the baby’s odd whimper are the only noises in the car on the way back to the clubhouse.

The last four days have been the longest in my life. Never once I have left my baby girl’s side and as soon as they said I could take her home I signed the discharge papers and got out of there.

Michael and Kitty turned up and while Kitty thought I was unable to prepare my baby to take her home, I pushed her away and proved her wrong.

The baby is my responsibility and mine alone. I let her mom down, I won’t let my daughter down too.

“What are you going to call her, Mark?” Kitty asks, turning around in the front seat.

I stare at her incapable to give her an answer. Looking down at my daughter, I ask myself the same question.

Rayna had a whole list of names but I was always too busy to take the time to listen seriously. Oh God, the pain in my chest just thinking about her. All our plans for the future, all gone.

“Alannah. That’s what Ray was calling her before she…”

Michael doesn’t finish his sentence. He doesn’t need to, it isn’t going to change anything. 

Alannah, I don’t recall hearing Rayna mention that name but Michael wouldn’t lie about it.

Jealousy tears through me, Michael heard her say her name. I never will.

“Alannah Blake,” I say, speaking for the first time in days.

“Alannah,” I repeat.

The baby hears my voice and her little eyes flicker open. That’s definitely her name and she knows it. Of course she does, she’s already heard it from her mom.

I should have been there. We should have named her together. I hate myself for not listening, Ray told me I shouldn’t leave her and I didn’t listen.

Michael drives into the compound and I can’t stand to look at it.

Everyone stops what they’re doing and stand around in silence, all eyes on us as we get out of the car.

I hand Kitty the baby and head into the clubhouse. Without having to say a word, everyone follows me into the bar.

Oak, my oldest friend stands and pulls me into him and hugs me hard when he sees me but I can’t return the same.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry brother,” he whispers.

When I don’t reciprocate he lets me go and gives me space. I can’t even bear to look at the tears in his eyes.

Micky comes in and doesn’t make eye contact with me, he sketchily stays far away from me and takes a seat by the door.

Now everyone is here, I begin.

“As you know, Rayna passed away four days ago. During the birth she haemorrhaged.”

The sorrys and the condolences roll in and I roll with them. I listen and nod in all the right places. I know they mean well but the words are empty to me.

“I need a minute with Michael, Micky and Oak,” I call out.

The three of them stay behind as everyone filters out and the last guy closes the door behind him.

“What’s going on? You won’t look me in the eye,” I snap at Micky, “And you Michael, you’ve been throwing daggers at Micky since we came in.”

Michael leaps off the table he was sitting on and flies towards Micky. Oak steps between the two and Michael backs off.

“It’s his fault Rayna is dead. He stopped when he shouldn’t have,” Michael roars.

“She was screaming the truck down, what was I supposed to do when she was scared out of her mind?”

“Get her to the fuckin’ hospital.”

“I couldn’t drive with her like that, I panicked myself, okay.”

This could go on all day.

“Shut up, the both of you,” I yell, getting in between them.

I push Michael back and Oak pushes Micky.

“This is my fault and no one else’s,” I yell at the both of them.

“No, Mark, it’s not,” Michael says adamantly.

“Yes, it is. I should have been there with her. She’s my wife and it is my job to protect her. I didn’t and now she isn’t here anymore. This is on me, so back off.”

Water forms in Michael eyes and it hits me that him blaming Micky is because of his own pain.

Then it hits me. Michael in pain makes it real. My own pain increases and I take my pain out on the chair, kicking it across the bar. I pick another one up and throw it at the wall. Picking up another I swing it across the bar and bottles and glasses smash to the floor.

“Ahhhh!” I vent my frustration loudly and aggressively.

“Mark, calm down.”

Oak’s arms encircle me and my legs give out. Falling to my knees, I sob heavily, I let it all out and see nothing but Ray’s face smiling at me.

“Come on, brother. Let’s get you to the house.”

I’m unable to move. Trying to make my legs work is as hard as trying to bring Rayna back to me. It isn’t happening.

Arms envelope me on both sides and the ground moves beneath me.

Like a drunken man I am hefted back to the house, passing by my brother’s standing clear of me, their broken President.

I can’t see nothing until we are through the door and my baby girl comes into view being cradled in Flo’s arms.

“I want to be alone with Alannah.”

Flo looks to Micky and then down to my daughter still in her arms.

“What are you looking at him for? Pass me my daughter.”

“Sure.”

Once she is in my arms, I feel lighter.

“You shouldn’t be alone right now, Mark,” Flo chokes out.

“I’m not alone, I’m with my daughter.”

Sleeping soundly, unaware of the pain around her, I rest her against my chest and sit on the couch.

Tears fall down my cheeks and I don’t make a move to wipe them away. This wasn’t how I imagined our daughter’s life beginning.

It’s just the two of us now.

“I promise baby girl, I will always here for you. I won’t let you down.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

MICHAEL

The sun shines brightly over the cemetery, causing everything to seem better than it is. Mark wanted nothing to do with the funeral, the only stipulation he had was that only close family was allowed to attend. Flo is currently being held by Micky as she cries into his shoulder. Shellie is pale leaning against Oak and Kitty is sitting beside me holding the kid. Mark is standing as close to the grave as he can without falling in.

Her casket is hovering above the hole ready to be lowered. I never thought I’d see the day when we were lowering Rayna into the ground. I can’t look at the casket, knowing Rayna’s lifeless body is inside kills me.

Micky standing here is a joke, it’s because of him that she isn’t coming home and Mark can’t see it.

He doesn’t see anything anymore. He doesn’t eat much, he doesn’t talk, he does nothing but stick with the kid day and night. Flo helps with the feeds and the dirty diapers but Mark won’t let anyone else help besides that.

I’m worried for my brother. He’s always been the strong one, the one who builds everyone else up when their struggling. He needs us but he won’t let us in.

I move closer and stand shoulder to shoulder with my brother and look down as the casket is lowered into the ground. Tears fall freely and I don’t give a shit who sees them. I’m tired of hiding my pain and suffering. 

“Is there something you forgot to tell me, Michael?” he asks, barely loud enough for me to hear.

“About what brother?”

“About the night my wife died.”

He knows something is missing. He knows but he should also know he won’t get the truth out of me. I keep my mouth shut.

“Nothing to say?” he carries on.

“No.”

“You don’t want to explain how the back window got shot out? Micky told me it was fine when he left you both.”

Another reason to hate Micky, not only did he slow down Rayna’s help, he ratted out the truck window.

“What happened between the side of the road and the hospital?”

Again, I have to lie.

“Nothing. Micky probably didn’t notice in the rush to get her to the hospital, I didn’t” I shrug.

He nods slowly and returns to looking at the grave.

“If I find out you’re lying to me…”

He doesn’t finish and he doesn’t have to, I understand.

He walks over to Kitty and takes the baby from her, then carrying on to his truck. I stay where I am at the grave and bend down bended knee.

“I swear to you darlin’, I’m going to make them pay. For you Ray, I love you darlin’.”

OAK

Dragging my heavy boots up the stairs, all I want is to finish the bottle of whiskey I carry in my hand and fall asleep. I can’t remember the last time I slept more than an hour at a time. Half of me can’t believe Rayna is gone and the other half won’t believe it. She wasn’t as loud as Flo or fiery as Kitty, she wasn’t even ballsy like Shellie. She was content to be quiet and do what she like, when she like. But that never detracted from her larger than life attitude she had. Everyone knew and loved her and she didn’t need to do a thing to earn it. It was her strong will and kindness that drew people to her.

I slow down when I see my door already ajar. No one should be in there.

Nudging it open further, Shellie is inside, I thought she went home. I had told her I would join her soon so obviously she didn’t believe me.

“What the fuck are you doin’?” I ask, roughly when I see her packing her things she has left here in a holdall.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she says, her voice thick with tears.

“Do what?” I ask, confused.

“This!” she yells, spinning around to face me.

Sighing heavily, it registers what she means. She carries on packing and disappears into the bathroom.

While she’s in there, I unpack the shit she’s already packed.

“What are you doing?” she cries, coming out to see the shit on the floor.

I don’t want her to go. Why is she doing this today of all days?

“Why are you doing this?”

She stops repacking and stares at me.

“Where do you see us in the future?”

“Here,” I shrug.

I don’t know where this going, but I know I don’t like it.

“Exactly, I don’t want to be here any longer, John. I don’t want to die with only this being my life.”

All this because Rayna died? She’s spooked, that’s all this is. It’s a dick move I’m about to make but I have no choice.

“Don’t go, please, I love you.”

Her cackle sends vibrations through my body.

“You are not using that line again on me, John. If you truly love me then come with me. We can get far away from here and start over. Mark isn’t going to be the same again, do you think he’s going to give a damn about this club now he’s lost Rayna?”

No, she can’t be asking for this.

“I won’t give my club up.”

“But you’ll give me up? This is why I need to go, I know I don’t come first with you. I want to be someone’s first priority, John.”

She’s the only one to call me by my birth name, the night Benny was shot and Mark found her hiding by the body she needed something real. She was so focused on my nickname in her shock, it was something she needed to hear. Ever since she has called me John and I didn’t mind. I liked the fact she did and only her.

She sighs heavily and sinks onto the bed.

“You have given me so much over the years and I will always be grateful to you but Rayna’s death has shown me no one is invisible. I don’t want to be here and you won’t leave with me. We have to say goodbye.”

She sheds no tears, she is serious this time.

“Where will you go?”

“To my moms, she’s expecting me.”

I sink onto the bed next to her and drop the whiskey to the floor.

“There is nothing I can say to make you stay, is there?”

“It’s not what you say, it’s what you won’t do for me. Come on John, unless you’ll come with me there’s nothing left to say.”

Deep down I know I have to let her go, I won’t leave the club and she won’t stay, all I want is for her to be happy and for her to be that, I can’t stand in her way. But I’ll try one last time, just because I’m a selfish bastard.

“Please don’t do this, Pen.”

She laughs lightly and holds my hand.

“I’ll always love you but the longer I stay here, the less I will feel about you and I don’t want to hate you.”

“Then you should go.”

I remain on the bed as she repacks her things and puts her jacket on.

“Will you at least let me know you arrive safely at your moms?”

“Sure.”

I nod once and stand myself.

“Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”

She takes hold of my hand one last time and I realize how much I’m going to miss her being around but at the same time, the closer we get to her car, the lighter I feel knowing I don’t have anyone to run back to when I want to be at the clubhouse.

Slinging her bag on the backseat she goes to get into the car but stops herself.

“Thank you,” she smiles.

“For what?”

“Loving me enough to let me go.”

I pull her into me and kiss her long and hard. No longer my lips but the lips I have been kissing for over five years.

She pulls away and let’s go off my hand.

“Goodbye, John.”

The sound of her door slamming shut and the engine roaring to life snaps me out of my daze.

I watch until her car disappears into the distance and vow not to lose anyone else. Shellie was wrong, Mark isn’t going to be the same again without Rayna but he isn’t going to lose himself from the club.

Turning from one problem to another, I head for the main house and don’t bother to knock when I get to the door.

Mark is laying on the floor on top of a blanket with the baby asleep next to him. He doesn’t move when I come in or acknowledge my arrival.

“How’s she doin’?” I ask, taking a seat on the couch.

“She’s good. I was just wondering if she notices Rayna’s absence.”

“We all do.”

He still doesn’t move and continues to stare at the kid. I hate to think it, but Shellie’s rant about Mark being lost might be right.

“Shellie’s gone.”

I’m hoping this will at least pull him away from the kid and it does.

“What do you mean gone?”

“She left, she can’t be with me anymore. Something to do with wanting more than this place,” I shrug.

“She might be right,” he forces out, looking away from me.

“Don’t talk shit, brother.”

He strokes the baby’s cheek lightly and goes silent.

“She isn’t right and you know it, above everything that is going on at the moment, you know it.”

“I don’t know anything anymore. I made this club to feel a part of something. A place where everyone didn’t have to worry about anything, not just for us but for their families too. How can I make them feel like I can take care of them when I can’t take care of my own blood?”

“I know you’re hurting Mark, but you’ve got men out there depending on you because they’re loyal and respectful to you. They know you’re hurting bad and they’re waiting on you. They’re here for you brother, we all are. I’ll round everyone up in the backroom for you, they need you as much as you need them. Use us to get through this.”

I leave him to it and hope like fuck he listens.