Billionaire Badboy (14 page)
Read Billionaire Badboy Online
Authors: Sophia Kenzie
Teddy
“This place is huge.”
“Yup.”
I wasn’t interested in small talk. I wanted to get her
clothes off, and I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to prove to myself that I
didn’t need Ashley. I wanted to prove to myself that I was still a man. I took
a step closer to her, willing myself to kiss her.
But it just felt wrong.
“Tequila?” I offered.
“Gross, no.”
I walked over to the liquor cabinet and took a swig of
Mezcal, just for myself. I needed something to help push this along. Sober me
was not at all into it. I brought the bottle with me as I made my way back over
to her. I took another gulp before my fingers found the tiny buttons on her
shirt.
“Should we go upstairs?” she asked.
“No.”
I didn’t want to take her upstairs. I didn’t want to pass my
study where I had that fantasy of Ashley bent over my knee. And I definitely
didn’t want to take this girl to my bedroom where I had spent countless nights
pleasuring myself to nothing but the mere thought of Ashley.
The foyer would be good enough for this girl. I pushed her
up against the chaise lounge and thrust her sleeves from her arms.
“Hold this.” I downed another shot of the Mezcal before
handing her the bottle. I then stripped off my shirt and pants until I was
standing there in only my boxers. I took the bottle back. “Take off your
skirt.”
“Right here?”
“Yes.”
“This window is really big.”
“The window looks over the backyard. There’s no one out
there.”
Why was she making me talk so much? This was not what I
signed up for.
She unzipped her skirt and slid it over her hips. She was a
really pretty girl… I just had no interest. I tried to force myself to kiss
her, but the thought put a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn’t even hard. What the
hell?
So I thought about Ashley. I thought about our summer, and
every morning I woke up next to her. I thought about her eyes, her smile, and
her crazy laugh. Just the thought of her was more than enough to bring me to my
senses.
“Is someone knocking?” asks the waitress, confused by the
whole situation.
“What?”
“I think I heard something at the front door.”
“I didn’t hear anything.” Though I wasn’t really listening.
“Okay.”
Then I closed my eyes and my thoughts went back to…
“Ashley…” I murmured.
“Who’s Ashley?”
“I’m Ashley.” Said a familiar female voice.
What? Was that…? I opened my eyes to see Ashley standing by
the now open front door. I was still beside the topless waitress, and neither
she nor I were making any move to cover up.
“Ashley, what are you…?”
“What am I doing here?” She allowed enough time for me to
slowly nod. “Well, I came to check on you, since you were acting weird at the
restaurant. I thought something might be up… but now.” She shook her hands at
me and turned around.
“Don’t go.”
“I’m leaving.”
The waitress looked around at me. “Should I leave?”
“Yes.”
“No!” Ashley yelled from across the foyer.
“Ashley, please.” I slid myself from my awkward position,
pulled up my pants, and slowly made my way across the floor.
“Stay away from me, Teddy.”
“I want to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I’m sure no one wants to talk to me, so I’m going to just
call a cab.” The waitress interjected.
I followed Ashley onto the porch.
“Put some clothes on, Teddy. You’re disgusting.”
“Promise me you’ll stay.”
“Why?”
“So I can explain myself.”
“I don’t need you to explain yourself. I can explain this
for you. It’s over.”
“What? No.”
Not only an hour ago, that was what I convinced myself I
wanted. I didn’t want to be tied down. I didn’t want to belong to someone else.
I didn’t want to be in love. But hearing her tell me that it was over shot a
shock through my entire body that could have bashed me to the floor. The wind
was knocked out of me and all I could mutter was, “Why?”
“The simple fact that I walked in on you about to screw our
waitress from breakfast should’ve been enough, but that’s surprisingly not it. You
realize you were saying my name, right?”
“I do.”
“You like me.”
“I do.”
“Like a lot.”
“I do.”
“And that scares you.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “It does.”
“And yet, instead of talking to me, like we always do, like
we’ve become so good at, you decided to pick up the first girl you saw,
literally, just so you could prove to yourself that you weren’t bound to me.”
She knew me so well, so much better than anyone else ever
had… or ever even cared to, for that matter. And I let that happen. I let her
in. I opened up to her. And then I pushed her away.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
As I predicted, she realized that I just wasn’t worth it. What
I didn’t predict is that I would be the one to make her realize it.
The cab pulled up, and I went to call to the waitress that
she could come out.
“Hey…!” I turned to Ashley in fear.
“Oh my God, you don’t even know her name, do you?”
I made a face and shook my head.
“Cab is here!”
We let her walk between us and climb into the cab without a
word.
“You’re a pig.”
I turned to defend myself, but Ashley was already laughing.
“Hey!”
“No, come on, that’s bad.”
“It is; I’ll admit that.”
Then we were both laughing.
“I want you to know, while I find this hilarious, I don’t
condone your behavior.”
“I don’t either! I blame you.”
“I had nothing to do with this.”
“You got me all frazzled!”
“No, you never knew her name.”
“I did so.”
“Why do you try to lie to me?”
“I don’t know. And yet, I keep trying.”
Why was everything so perfect with her? How did she have
that way of just making everything better?
“I messed up.” I admitted.
“You did.”
“Can you forgive me?”
She wrapped her arms around my waist. I thought it was
enough.
“This has nothing to do with forgiving you, Teddy. I don’t
really know how to say this without sounding cliché, but… well, I don’t think
we’re at the same place. Oh, bleh,” she made a face. “That was totally a cheesy
line, I apologize.”
I held her tighter, not wanting her to continue.
“But I’m ready to fight for us, and I don’t think you are. And
that’s fine! It really is.” She put her hands on my chest, looking up at me. “I’m
not asking you to be ready for something you’re not. And I shouldn’t have asked
you to stand up to your father. If you’re not ready, that is fine. Hell, I
still haven’t made one ounce of progress on the cause of my father’s death. What
right do I have to tell you to face your fears?”
I wanted to stop her, to tell her that she was wrong, that I
was ready, but I couldn’t. I knew it wouldn’t be the truth, and about something
this big…I couldn’t lie to her. So I let her continue.
“But because I care about you, I want you to know that I
believe in you. Don’t let him win, Teddy. Be stronger than him. Don’t let him
tell you who you have to become. Because this person… the person I know…” She
rubbed my chest, right over my heart, “he’s pretty great. And he can grow up to
be whomever he wants to be.”
I folded my hand around hers.
“Even a cowboy.”
We stood there, staring at each other for too long, and yet
not long enough. We both knew that once we broke the stare, it would be over. I
hated it, but I couldn’t stop it.
“I’m going to go work on my treatment now.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll… I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Next Tuesday. At six.”
“Teddy…”
“No, don’t… just don’t say ‘no’ yet. Think about it. I’ll be
there, waiting.”
She climbed to her toes and pressed her lips to mine.
“Bye Teddy.”
“Bye Ash.”
Teddy
The next flash was a board full of cities. I was at the
airport. A rolling suitcase was resting at my side.
It was Tuesday.
It was 5:43. Portland, Oregon was the next flight to depart.
The board changed.
It was 5:56. Austin, Texas was the next flight to depart.
The board changed.
It was 6:01. Paris, France was the next flight to depart. Ashley
was late. Ashley was never late.
The board changed.
It was 6:27. New Orleans, Louisiana was the next flight to
depart. Maybe her interview ran long.
The board changed.
It was 7:16. San Francisco, California was the next flight
to depart. I had to account for traffic.
The board changed.
It was 9:03. Vienna, Austria was the next flight to depart. Any
minute now…
The board changed.
It was 10:33. Miami, Florida was the next flight to depart.
10:34…
10:35…
Ashley wasn’t coming.
I bought a one-way ticket to Miami.
Summer was over.
Teddy
The void took over again and blackness filled the room. If I
continued on the path of memories that I had been on, I knew my journey was
almost over. Over the course of the next five years, I only saw Ashley a
handful of times. I don’t know if it was pride, pain, or simply life just
getting in the way, but something kept us apart.
I hated that something.
The next two years were interesting… and maybe too normal. I
flew back from my solo trip to Miami the day before my final year of law
school. School was fine: again, normal. I graduated with no problems, passed
the bar with no problems, and even decided to go back for one more year in
order to get my Masters of Law degree. It was fine, something to do; but
mostly, I just wasn’t ready to commit myself to working for my father.
Things with him were also… fine. I didn’t try punching him
again, that was for sure. And he pretty much stayed clear of me. Upon his
return from the Hamptons, I let him know that Ashley and I were through, and that
she would no longer be writing about me. He gave me a swift pat on the back and
applauded me for taking care of things.
I hated him.
My love life was also… fine. I calmed down a bit and stopped
sleeping with women whose names I didn’t know. I know, progress. And I even
settled in with a few. I entertained a handful that my father had pushed me
toward. That made him happy. He was determined for me to marry someone else of
stature. It was this whole American royalty kind of thing. He was just
interested in finding ways to get us even more money. I didn’t understand why…
there’s only so much money you can spend in a lifetime, and he had managed to
make well above that.
But I didn’t marry any of those girls. They lasted a few
dates, a few parties, and a few months, but eventually they all fizzled out. There
was nothing wrong with them. They were all lovely. But they weren’t Ashley.
It was this weird thing. I knew Ashley and I weren’t getting
back together. I knew I wouldn’t be hearing from her, and I knew I wouldn’t be
trying to get in contact with her. And yet, I still would randomly glance at my
phone to see if I had gotten a message from her.
I never did. It broke my heart a little bit more each time I
looked.
One of the girls I dated for a time was named Ashley. That
was terrible. Like really terrible. Every time she called, I felt my heart
lift. Then I’d heard her voice on the other end of the line and realize that it
was just that Ashley… it wasn’t MY Ashley. I wanted to talk to someone, to tell
someone how I felt, how much I missed her, how my life wasn’t complete without
her, but the only person I could ever talk to like that was Ashley. So I talked
to her.
Well, I wrote to her:
Ashley,
I just really wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I know you
know this, I’m sure I’ve said it all at one time or another, but I needed to
say it again.
I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I fucked
everything up between us because I never really gave in to you, and to us. I
never REALLY gave us a shot. I have always had such difficulties pinpointing my
emotions, and you sort of just fell through the cracks. You just slid into an
opening of me and were lost. I regret it so much.
I knew how amazing you were, I knew how much I liked your
odd, yet loving demeanor and your bubbly personality and, of course, your
incredible body… Is that alright to say?
I don't know why I never grasped that I wanted to really
be with you. So many times I think about you and get so angry with myself for
how I treated you. I know I'm rambling and repeating myself, but it helps it
come out. You taught me that: to just say everything and then decide how you
feel from all the rambling. It really helps.
It doesn't make up for how things turned out, but, well,
it helps me let go of the anger and guilt I feel every time they rear their
ugly heads at me while I'm walking down the street thinking about you.
There were a lot of things going on in my life when I met
you, some very important things I've told you about, but still some things I
didn't mention. I never wanted it to seem as though I was burdening you with
all my problems. I always just assumed we’d have more time. Kind of like the
immortality thing we once spoke about.
But I guess you can’t always count on tomorrow, can you?
I'm still living a very transient lifestyle now, much
more maturely than when you saw a lot of me, but still life seems to… you know,
it just doesn't feel right. Like this isn't what life is supposed to be, this
isn't how it’s supposed to feel.
Rambling and repeating, I know. I'm sorry for repeating
and I'm sorry for having to say sorry, and I'm sorry for sending this at all,
because it may bring back old pangs of pain like I'm feeling writing it, but I
just know I would appreciate it if someone reached out to tell me that I was on
their mind, and that I was important to them. You know, in this day of social
media, I think it might happen too frequently to hold any weight, but... then
again, maybe not.
I want to say something that moves you, the perfect way
to express myself to you, and explain something to you. And I guess the only
way to say it is this:
I love you, Ashley. I really do. In so many ways. I know
that seems weird after all this time, but God, it’s true. And if I could go
back and change things... well, I can’t say I wouldn’t have tried harder to
keep you away from me, to save you from dealing with all of this. Or maybe I
would’ve kept you away because I couldn’t handle falling for you. And I now
know that will never go away.
Understand that it was never you.
Okay wrap it up, Teddy.
1. I'm sorry for not giving us a chance.
2. I'm sorry for treating you the way I did
3. I'm sorry for not communicating my fears to you.
4. I'm sorry for turning you away that time in the city
without an explanation.
5. I'm really just sorry for not being a better human
being to you, because you by far are the best human being I know.
Yes, I just made a list. Judge away.
I truly hope you forgive me? Understand? Just... I don't
know.
Well, there you have it.
Teddy
I know. Believe me, I know. Total sap, right? Well, that’s
what happens when you realize you let go of the one good thing in your life,
and you have no idea if you should try to get it back, or let her live a normal
life without all your craziness.
I bet you think I didn’t send that. I bet you think I took
one read through and tore it up before tossing into the trash. I bet you think
that’s what any man with any lick of pride would do. Well, you’re wrong. I
absolutely sent it. I poured my heart onto that paper, completely embarrassed
myself, and then forced a stamp onto the envelope.
But I knew what I wanted, and I was setting out to get it. Ashley
had rubbed off on me.
The copious amounts of alcohol I consumed while both writing
and sending the letter probably also had a bit to do with the complete
execution.
She got it, read it, and wrote back ten days later.
Teddy,
Thank you for that beautiful letter; I do really
appreciate it. But what upsets me is that you're still living with guilt. I
forgave you a long time ago. It's been almost two years since I left you
standing on your porch in your boxers, but what I may not have expressed well
enough then was that I was never angry with you. I understood. You did
something for me too. You unleashed feelings in me that I had never
experienced. I will always be grateful to you for that.
That being said, I still truly believe that l wasn't the
one for you. I have no doubt that you'll find someone for whom you will drop
all your insecurities. It seems to me that you might finally be ready for that.
If God had wanted us together, he would’ve had us meet now.
Please don't be scared to get out there. I feel terrible
that you're beating yourself up about this. Sure, I struggled for quite some
time, but I came to the conclusion almost a year ago that it was never going to
be that for us, and I moved on. I’m so happy with my life right now. It breaks
my heart a little bit to say that to you, but it's the truth. I'm keeping busy
(I'm maid of honor for two of my very best friends this year), my book is in
the last stages of editing, and I'm so in love. Yes, Teddy. I’m in love. I
count myself the luckiest girl in the entire world to be with my boyfriend, and
I wouldn't trade anything for him. You know me well enough to know that part of
me wishes I could hug you and tell you that I miss you and we'll make it work,
but that would be a lie. I will always care about you, and every time I have a
shot of tequila, or see someone being put into a cop car, or walk by our spot
on the beach, or take a step into my old bedroom, I will think about you and
the time we spent together in the throes of excitement and allure. But that's
it.
And please don't think that I see it as though you blew
your chances with me. It wasn't meant to be. I'm completely sure of that. And
when you find what I've found, you'll see that too. We were a stepping-stone in
each other's lives, and all the memories I retain from our time together are
good ones. I have no doubt that we'll see each other again, so I'm not going to
say goodbye. I'm just going to say: open your heart, and I pray that you never
feel this regret again.
I still believe in you, Teddy.
Ashley
Naturally, I was crushed.
Two years of pining, of hoping, were torn down with a single
spaced, single sided, one-page letter.
It was over. I had really lost her.