Bittersweet Ecstasy (19 page)

“You know all things, Grandmother, and I love you.”

Shalee stroked Tashina’s hair and smiled. “Sometimes I wish I knew all things and other times I am glad I do not. To remove the bad surprises in life, such a gift would also remove the good ones. Yearning for love to be fulfilled is like suffering from bittersweet ecstasy. The love and desire are always present, but there are bitter days and sweet days to be confronted. Waste none of those days, Tashina, for each one is precious and it shapes you into the person you must be. Life is not easy, little one, and neither is love.”

“What will I do when Silver Hawk comes to ask for me?”

“Do not worry, Granddaughter. If Soul-of-Thunder has not spoken for you by that sun, then I will speak to your father. I do not believe Silver Hawk will speak to your father before he approaches you once more. When he does so, come to me and I will tell your father to reject his desire.”

“Silver Hawk is his friend, Grandmother, and this deed makes him larger in Father’s eyes. What if he will not listen to you?”

Shalee wrapped her arms around Tashina and
replied, “I promise you, while I live, Silver Hawk will not have you.”

There was no more trouble on the trail, and they reached their chosen spot three days later. Everyone went to work immediately on their personal tasks, and soon the camp was in place by a small river, along whose banks grew trees and bushes here and there.

Soon, it would be time for the buffalo hunt, when small groups of women and men spent weeks on the open Plains hunting this vital game. The groups would trail the large beasts while skilled hunters picked off an ample supply from the rear of the herd. The women skinned and gutted the huge animals where they fell and sent the meat back to camp to be divided and prepared by each family. In the camp, wooden racks were constructed upon which to hang the strips of meat while they dried, becoming
pa-pa,
jerky to the whites. Some of the dried meat was packed in parfleches, to be eaten as was; other portions were pounded almost to powder, mixed with berries and hot fat, allowed to cool, then formed into rolls of
wakapanpi,
what the trappers called “pemmican,” which would not spoil for years. It was a long, hard, sweaty, and bloody episode; and each family did its share of work. At Shalee’s age, she was one of the women who would remain in camp and help with the meat as it was brought in on travois by young braves. When the hunt was over until fall, the tribes would get together to have a great feast and to observe the Sun Dance Ceremony.

The Sun Dance Ceremony began with a fast, prayer, and a visit to the sweat lodge for purification. It was not required, but most great warriors attempted it. If a man did not have stamina, he could die from the ordeal which he willingly endured. Sometimes it was done to show love and gratitude to the Great Spirit, as a man
truly owned nothing but his body. Sometimes it was done to fulfill a warrior’s vow when his prayer was answered a certain way by
Wakantanka.
Sometimes it was done to plead for help in a critical matter or to prove a man’s worth and courage. Bright Arrow and Gray Eagle had conquered their Sun Dances, but Sun Cloud’s time had not yet arrived.

Early the next morning while the men were hunting, the call went out for any available women to come and to help construct a tepee for a newly joined couple. Many women gathered and a lodge-maker was chosen, an older female who was skilled and well liked. Each female brought a spare hide, if she possessed one, and her sewing supplies. They formed a circle around the buffalo skins and began their mutual task. The young bride and her mother spent their time preparing food and serving the other women while they worked. It was a wonderful occasion when the women got together for this helpful chore; they laughed, talked, shared stories, gave advice, and sang funny songs. The work went swiftly and efficiently until, a few hours later, the tepee was completed, put up, and ready for use that night. The women who had helped handed their elkhorn fleshers to the lodge-maker, and she marked them with a blue dot.

The women were proud of their fleshers, which represented their deeds—female
coups
—by the color and number of dots. A girl was given her elkhorn flesher at her celebration into womanhood; then it was up to her to fill it with good deeds: deeds such as for hides tanned and robes made, for winning a beading or quilling contest, for helping others to construct their tepees, or for performing some charitable or brave deed. A man often asked to see a woman’s flesher before he asked for her hand in joining to decide if she would make a good wife. To a woman, counting her dots was comparable to the counting of
coup
for a
warrior. After refreshments were served a last time, the women returned to their own homes and chores.

Shalee blew on her new dot to dry it, then smiled as Tashina did the same. “You have earned many dots since your mother was taken from us, little one. Soon, it will have no room for new ones. You must show it to Soul-of-Thunder when he comes to visit us again.”

That night, Sun Cloud nonchalantly announced he and Powchutu wanted to sleep near the river so they could get acquainted better. He claimed he was eager to hear the tales of the white man and his ways, and his uncle was eager to explain them. Gray Eagle grinned at his son and half brother, knowing this was only a ruse to allow him and his wife to have privacy. Hungering for it, he smiled and nodded.

Later, Gray Eagle and Shalee lay on their sleeping mat tantalizing each other with kisses and caresses. His tongue savored her peaks as his hands stroked her body to rising need for his. His kisses swept leisurely over her body as he called upon his sexual prowess to send flames of desire scorching through both of them. She nibbled on his ears, shoulder, and roamed his appealing frame with her lips and hands. The fire was ignited, carefully and enticingly fanned until it was a roaring blaze, then he entered her to douse it blissfully. When it was rapturously extinguished, they lay nestled together, warming themselves from the heat it had left behind. Neither talked, for words and voices would spoil the mood which surrounded them and which bound them together. Sleep overtook them, but they remained locked in each other’s arms.

The Oglala council met the next morning; they voted to send messengers to the other camps to call for a joint meeting of all chiefs and leaders, at a point in the center of where each tribe or band was camped for the summer, to discuss and decide their impending course of action. Since this was a perilous time, only leaders
would attend this crucial meeting while the warriors guarded the camps, for all knew how the soldiers loved to attack while the men were away.

Bright Arrow asked to go to the Blackfeet camp of Chief Medicine Bear and Silver Hawk, for he also had personal business there. Many donated gifts to be taken to Silver Hawk for his defense of Tashina and their camp. Sun Cloud and Thunder Spirit were told to ride to the Cheyenne camp of Windrider. Other warriors were assigned to take word to the remaining tribes and bands in the area. They were told to leave immediately, so they could return as soon as possible. While they were gone, warriors would guard the camp while braves hunted for game to supply the camp until the war council ended and the buffalo hunt, or the battle with the whites, could take place.

Shalee talked privately with her youngest son and asked him to speak of Tashina to Soul-of-Thunder. Sun Cloud looked surprised, but knew he should not be, for he had witnessed the strong attraction between the pair that night at the river in their winter camp. He realized he had spoken to the wrong man about claiming Tashina; he should have approached the Cheyenne warrior whom she loved, who loved her. He had learned a lesson today: Thunder Spirit had warned him about waiting too long to speak for the woman of your heart. Each always expected the other to grasp feelings which were kept hidden. Perhaps he should tell Tashina that Soul-of-Thunder loved and desired her, but that was not his place. He chuckled and said, “Do not worry, Mother; I will drop hints even one without eyes could see. It is good. I do not wish Silver Hawk to ask for her.”

Shalee hugged him tightly and admitted, “I do not wish it so either. Be careful, my son, for our enemies abound everywhere.”

“Worry not, Mother. When the war council votes
and we attack the whites, they will lick their wounds all summer and leave us in peace for another season.”

“I pray it is so, Sun Cloud, but I fear not. Seek the guidance and help of the Great Spirit, for often man cannot be trusted.”

The moon was high overhead, but Tashina could not sleep. She looked toward the flap when someone crawled beneath it. The tepee was warm from the dying campfire, for she always kept the flap laced when her father was away. In the dim glow, she made out the face and body of the man coming toward her. Clutching the light blanket before her naked body, she pushed herself to a sitting position and stared at him in disbelief. Did he not realize how dangerous and forbidden this behavior was? she wondered.

He knelt beside her and simply stared at her for what seemed like a long time. Finally, he whispered, “Forgive me, Tashina, but I had to come, to see with my eyes you are safe. Father says Silver Hawk has cast his eyes on you, and makes no secret of it. I must hear from your lips you choose Silver Hawk because you desire only him, not to honor your father’s wishes. We have been close since we were small children, but something has come between us and you no longer tell me the secrets of your heart. I could not come sooner, for there was trouble along the journey and near our camp, and I promised my father to guard his family. I wished him to bring you this gift in return for yours, but I was away from camp when he came to visit your father.” He held out his favorite armband, his message clear. “I beg you, Tashina, do not join to Silver Hawk if you do not love him.”

She chose and spoke her words carefully and softly. “I do not love or desire Silver Hawk as a man or as a mate, Soul-of-Thunder. If he approaches my father, I
will speak the truth: my heart has been lost to another for many winters, longer than even I realized it.” His expression and voice had exposed what she needed to know, as her grandmother had told her they would. Before she could reach for the armband, he dejectedly dropped his hands to the ground.

He lowered his head and confessed hoarsely, “Since the sun drifted below the trees, I have waited till my courage grew large enough to visit you. I know it is wrong to come when your father is away. Do I know this man who has stolen your heart? Is he worthy of you?”

Tashina’s hand boldly lifted his chin and she smiled into his sad eyes. “You have known him all of your life. He is a great warrior and a good man. I love and desire only him, and I pray he feels the same for me. Can you love me as I love you, Soul-of-Thunder? If you give me time, I will prove I can be a good mate for you. If it is wrong of me to speak so boldly, forgive me, for I can bear this secret no longer in fear of losing you to another while I play the coward. If you only wish to be my friend, I will take that part of you, and I will not run to Silver Hawk in my pain. Am I unworthy of you because of my white blood? Is it impossible to win your love and acceptance as a mate?”

He gaped at her, then shook his head as if to clear dull wits. “Surely my mind sleeps and this is only a beautiful dream. Do not awaken me, Tashina, for it is all I desire. I have feared to speak to you of the feelings in my heart, for I could not bear your rejection. Can it be true? You love and desire me as I love and desire you?”

“With all my heart, Soul-of-Thunder. My grandmother said she would teach me how to snare you, but you are here and you are mine.”

“Father told me of Silver Hawk’s rescue and his desire for you. I feared your father would give you to
him before I could race to your side and plead for you. You must be mine, Tashina, or my life is empty.”

“As mine would be without you.” She told him of her kidnapping and rescue, and of Silver Hawk’s desire for her, and of her feelings.

“When the war council ends, I will come to your father and speak for you. We will join after the buffalo hunt, if you are willing.”

“I am more than willing, Soul-of-Thunder. Father has given up hope of Mother’s return and he casts his eyes around for a new mate. After the buffalo hunt, all will be settled and we can join. I love you.”

The Cheyenne warrior gazed deeply into her eyes. His hand reached out to stroke her unbound hair. He wanted to kiss her and to hold her, but he was alarmed by the flames of passion which her nearness and love kindled within him. He slipped the armband over her wrist and smiled into her softened eyes, eyes which mirrored the emotions that surged inside his mind and body. As their gazes locked, they slowly leaned toward each other and sealed their lips. His arms encircled her body and hers slipped around his waist, unmindful of the blanket which fell free as they kissed and embraced.

His lips brushed over her entire face, then captured her mouth once more. His hands wandered up and down her bare back and savored its soft firmness. His fingers drifted into her hair and pressed her mouth more tightly against his own as he tasted the sweetness of her kisses.

Tashina was lost in the wonder and power of love. Her hands roved the muscles of his back and shoulders as she encouraged more kisses and caresses. Never had she felt anything so marvelous as she was experiencing, and she did not want it to end.

They sank to the sleeping mat and continued their discoveries of each other while they reveled in the joy of a mutual pleasure. Soul-of-Thunder’s lips traveled
down her throat and his hand moved over her quivering flesh. His mouth explored her shoulders and breasts, then captured one peak to lavish it with moisture.

Tashina’s head moved from side to side as she was captivated by blissful sensations. She made no move to halt him as one hand lightly fingered his neck and the other stroked his silky hair. Suddenly he lifted his head and looked into her eyes. She could tell he did not want to halt this rapturous trek to sated passion, but knew they should.