Black Dagger Brotherhood 11 - Lover at Last (165 page)

Qhuinn seemed momentarily stunned. “You think that was why? And not, oh, lemme think, trying

to respect the fact that you were
cheating
on the love of your life!”

By this point, they were both jacked forward on their hips, their voices careening up and down the

corridor.

“Oh, bull
shit
.” Blay slashed his hand through the air. “That is such total bullshit! See, this has
always
been your problem. You’ve never wanted to come out—”

“Come out? Like I’m gay?!”

“You fuck men! What the good goddamn do you think it means!”

“That is
you
—
you
fuck guys. You don’t like women and females—”

“You have
never
been able to accept who you are,” Blay bellowed, “because you’re afraid of

what people think! The great iconoclast, Mr. Pierced, crippled by his fucking family! The truth is, you’re a pussy and you always have been!”

Qhuinn’s expression was one of absolute fury, to the point that Blay was ready to get hit—and

hell, he wanted to have a punch thrown at him just so he could have the pleasure of corking the guy back.

“Let’s get this straight,” Qhuinn barked. “You keep your shit on
your
side of the aisle. And that includes my cousin and the fact that you fucked around on him.”

Blay threw up his hands and had to pace before he jumped out of his own skin. “I just can’t stand

this anymore. I can’t take this with you again. I feel like I’ve spent a lifetime dealing with your shit

—”

“If I’m gay, why are you the only male I’ve ever been with!”

Blay stopped dead and just stared over at the guy, images of all those men in bathrooms filtering

through his brain. For the love of all that was holy, he remembered each and every one of them, even though Qhuinn no doubt didn’t. Their faces. Their bodies. Their orgasms.

All getting what he’d been desperate for, and denied.

“How dare you,” he said. “How fucking
dare
you. Or do you think I don’t know your sexual

history? I had to watch it for far longer than I cared for. Frankly, it wasn’t that interesting—and neither are you.”

As Qhuinn blanched, Blay started to shake his head. “I’m so done. I’m
so
over this—the fact that you can’t accept yourself is going to fuck up what’s left of your life, but that’s your issue, not mine.”

Qhuinn cursed long and low. “I never thought I’d say this…but you don’t know me.”

“I don’t know you? I think the shoe’s on the other foot, asshole. You don’t know
yourself
.”

At that, he expected some kind of explosion, some theatrical, over-the-top, light-up-the-world

emotion to roll out of the guy.

He didn’t get it.

Qhuinn just set his shoulders, leveled his chin, and spoke with control. “I’ve spent the last year

trying to figure out who I am, dropping the act, getting clean—”

“Then I say you’ve wasted three hundred and sixty-five nights. But like everything about this,

that’s on you.”

With a vicious curse, Blay turned and strode away—and he didn’t look back. No reason to. There

wasn’t anyone in the corridor he wanted to see.

Man, if the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a

different result, then he’d lost his marbles years ago. For his mental health, his emotional well-being, and his very life, he needed to put this all—

Qhuinn hauled him around by the arm, the guy’s furious face shoving into his own. “Don’t you

walk away from me like that.”

Blay felt a wave of exhaustion tackle him. “Why. Because you have something else to say? Some

insight into yourself that’s supposed to put the puzzle pieces together in a way that fits? Some big confession that’s going to right the ship and make everything sunset-on-the-beach perfect? You don’t have that kind of vocabulary, and I’m not that naive anymore.”

“I want you to remember something,” Qhuinn growled. “I tried to make this work between us. I

gave us a shot.”

Blay’s mouth dropped open. “You gave us a
shot
? Are you fucking
kidding
me? You think having sex with me as a way to get back at your cousin is a relationship? You think a couple of sessions in secret is some kind of love affair?”

“It was all I had to work with.” Those mismatched eyes raked around Blay’s face. “I’m not saying

it was a grand romance, but I showed up because I wanted to be with you any way I could.”

“Well, congratulations. And now that we’ve both sampled the goods, I can solidly say that you

and I are not meant to be together.” As Qhuinn started cursing up a storm, Blay shoved a hand into his hair and wanted to rip the shit out of his head. “Listen, if it helps you sleep during the day—and I can’t believe this is really going to bother you for longer than a night—tell yourself you did what you could, but it didn’t work out. Myself? I prefer reality. What happened between you and me is exactly what you’ve done with all the other randoms you’ve been with. Sex—just sex. And now we’re done.”

Qhuinn’s eyes burned. “You’ve got me wrong on this.”

“Then you’re delusional as well as in denial.”

“People can change. I’m not like that anymore, and certainly not with you.”

God…it was a sad relief to feel nothing as those words were spoken to him. “You know…there

was a time when I would have fallen to your feet to hear something like that,” he murmured. “But

now…all I see is you jumping up from the floor the second someone came out a door and saw us

together. You say that reaction is because of Saxton’s and my relationship? Fine. But I’m really

sure…no, I’m
totally
sure…that if you scratch the surface on that, you’re going to discover it had much more to do with you rather than your cousin. You’ve hated yourself for so many years, I don’t

think it’s possible for you to really love anybody or have any sense of who you are. I hope you figure it out sometime, but I’m not going to be part of that Lewis and Clark—I promise you.”

Qhuinn shook his head, his frown so deep it looked like a gully had grown between his brows.

“Guess you’ve got me sewn up tight.”

“It’s really not that hard.”

“Just so you know, I was in love with you.”

“For three days, Qhuinn. Three days. During which there was enough drama going on to make

War and Peace
looked like a comic book. That’s not love. That’s good sex as a distraction from life being a shithole.”

“I’m not gay.”

“Fine. You’re bi. You’re bi-curious. You’re experimenting. Whatever. I don’t care. I really don’t.

I know who I am and that’s how I get through my life. You’ve got another drill going entirely—and

good luck with that. It’s clearly working
so
fucking well for you.”

With that, he walked away again.

And this time…Qhuinn let him go.

SEVENTY-FIVE

ONE WEEK LATER…

Where in life resumed its normal course, Qhuinn thought as he pulled his leathers up his

thighs, yanked a muscle shirt on over his head, and grabbed his weapons and his leather

jacket.

God, he couldn’t believe just seven nights ago he was inducted into the Brotherhood.

Seemed liked forever.

Leaving his room, he stalked down past the marble statuary, went by Wrath’s study, and knocked

on Layla’s door.

“Come in?”

“Hey,” he said he went inside. “How you doing?”

“I’m great.” Layla shoved herself up higher on her stack of pillows and then rubbed her belly.

“Make that,
we’re
great—Doc Jane was just here. Levels look perfect, and I’m sticking with ginger ale and saltines, so I’m good.”

“You should have some protein, no?” Shit, he didn’t want that to sound like a demand. “Not that

I’m telling you what to eat.”

“Oh, no, it’s okay. As a matter of fact, Fritz poached some chicken breasts for me and it stayed

down, so I’ll be trying to do that every day, too. As long as food doesn’t taste like much, I can

stomach it.”

“Do you need anything?”

Layla’s eyes narrowed. “As a matter of fact, I do.”

“Name it and it’s yours.”

“Talk to me.”

Qhuinn jacked his brows up. “About?”

“You.” She let out an exasperated curse, tossing the magazine she’d been reading to the side.

“What is going on? You’re dragging around, you aren’t talking to anybody, and everyone is worried.”

Everyone. Fantastic. Why the hell didn’t he live alone?

“I’m fine—”

“You’re fine. Right. Uh-huh.”

Qhuinn held his hands out in quasi-submission. “Hey, come on, what do you want me to say? I get

up, I go to work, I come home—you’re doing well and so is the young. Luchas is slowly recovering.

I’m in the Brotherhood. Life is great.”

“Then why do you look like you’re in mourning, Qhuinn.”

He had to glance away. “I’m not. Listen, I’ve got to go grab something to eat before I—”

“Doyoustillwanttheyoung.”

Layla’s words came out so fast, his brain had to work to decipher what she’d said. And then he—

“
What?
”

As her hands started to tangle in that way they did when she was nervous, he went over to the bed

and sat beside her. Putting his jacket and his holsters full of weapons down, he stilled those twining fingers of hers.

“I am
thrilled
about the young.” Matter of fact, that baby inside of her was the only thing keeping him going at the moment. “I am already in love with him or her.”

Yup. Young were the only safe place to put your heart, as far as he was concerned.

“You’ve got to believe that,” he said stridently. “You really have to.”

“All right. Okay, I do.” Layla reached up and brushed the side of his face, making him jerk. “But

then what has broken you, my dear friend. What has happened?”

“Just life.” He smiled over at her. “No big deal. But no matter what mood I’m in, you need to

know I’m right with you in this.”

Her eyes closed in relief. “I am grateful for that. And for what Payne did.”

“As well as Blaylock,” he muttered. “Don’t forget him.”

How fucking ironic. The guy had stabbed him in the chest, but also given him a new heart.

“I’m sorry?” she said.

“Blaylock went to Payne. It was his idea.”

“In truth?” Layla whispered. “He did that?”

“Yup. Stand-up guy. Blaylock’s a real gentlemale.”

“Why are you calling him that?”

“It’s his name, isn’t it.” He patted her arm and got to his feet, picking up his gear. “I’m going out for the night. As always, I have my phone with me, and you call if you need anything.”

The Chosen frowned. “But Beth said you were off rotation.”

Great. So he really was a topic of conversation. “I’m going out.” As she looked like she was

about to argue, he leaned down and put a chaste kiss on her forehead, hoping to reassure her. “Don’t worry about me, ’kay?”

He left before she could marshal another attack on his boundaries. Out in the hall, he closed the

door and—

He stopped dead. “Tohr. Ah, what’s doing?”

The brother was leaning against Wrath’s doorway like he’d been waiting. “I thought you and I

talked about the schedule last night.”

“We did.”

“So what’s up with all the weapons?”

Qhuinn rolled his eyes. “Look, I’m not staying in this house until dawn traps me in for a grand

total of twenty-four hours straight. Not going to happen.”

“No one said you had to hang here. What I
am
telling you, brother-to-brother, is that you will
not
be out in the field with us tonight.”

“Oh, come on—”

“Go see a fucking movie if you want. Hit a CVS, but remember to take your car keys in with you

this time. Go to a late-night mall and give Santa your list, I don’t care. But you’re
not
fighting—and before you keep arguing, this is a rule for all of us. You’re not special. You’re not the only one not going out in the field. Clear?”

Qhuinn muttered under his breath, but when the Brother extended his palm, he clapped his own

against it and nodded.

As Tohr took off, jogging down the grand staircase, Qhuinn wanted to go on a cursing spree: a

whole evening to himself. Yay.

Nothing like having a date night with a depressive.

Hell, maybe what he should do is go up to the movie theater, throw on some hormone-

replacement-therapy patches, and cheer himself up by watching
The Sound of Music
and painting his toenails.

Maybe
Steel Magnolias…Like Water for Coconuts.

Or was that
Chocolate
, he wondered.

Then again, maybe he could just shoot himself in the head.

Either would work.

Blay’s family’s safe house was out in the countryside, surrounded by snow-covered fields that

undulated gently to forested boundaries. Made of cream-colored river stone, the manor wasn’t grand, but rather cozy, with low-beamed ceilings, plenty of fireplaces that were always lit in the cold