Black Flag (Racing on the Edge) (51 page)

“Jesus Christ!” I
gasped. “How come you never went to the police when you found out it was him?”

“Because just like
Jameson, I felt prison was too easy. He’d get off on parole or something along
those lines. I know the way the system works, max he’d get twenty years
...
it wasn’t good enough.”

I swallowed; my throat
was dry so I reached for my water beside the bed. “Were you there when Jameson
found him?” Don’t think I didn’t see my opportunity to get answers because I
did. I knew Jameson would never tell me.

“I actually found him
for Jameson. Jimi called shortly after Jameson left the hospital. He was scared
as to where he went. It was the first I’d heard of the accident and then
Phillip called too. That’s when I went looking and found Darrin having a beer.
I called Jameson. He and Spencer showed up shortly after that.” As I listened
to the events after my accident, I understood why Jameson reacted the way he
did. “I would have taken care of him right then but I knew what Jameson was
feeling. Like I said, I know what it’s like to feel the out of control and
reckless mindset. I didn’t care how it happened to him, I just wanted revenge
and I got it.”

I didn’t feel the need
for him to elaborate on exactly what happened. I knew by the way he said
took
care of it
that he took care of Darrin, which made me happy.

If only I could have
cut off his penis before that happened.

“I’m glad that you two
made it through this.” Van’s voice was just above a whisper. “You don’t know
how hard it is to go on without the other half of yourself. Eventually you give
up and become a distant version of yourself.”

It’s strange how even
the strongest of us have scars from our past that we carry with us. The initial
cut may have healed but the pain still lingers as a constant reminder of the
wound that left its mark on you. You want to fix it, make it better, but sometimes
you just can’t.

We are all tattooed
from head to toe with cracks, invisible bruises, scars, kisses; they all leave
their mark in some way, good or bad and shrouded in nothing by shadows or
lighted by the rays of the sun. Sometimes the consequences are too far below
the surface for the eye to catch. And other times, they reveal themselves in
ways we never expected.

I watched as Van
excused himself—feeling the pain for him having lost his entire family because
of Darrin. I couldn’t understand how a man like Darrin had managed to escape
retribution for so long and how a woman like Mariah could stand by him knowing
he was a monster. Maybe she didn’t see it or maybe she was one too.

The thing about our
scars is how easily they’re ripped open again. But I think they can also teach
one valuable lesson: What not to do again and what we’ve made it through. It
makes us stronger really.

I didn’t see Van again
that night, I assumed it was too much for him but I knew he was close by, he
never went far.

I was pleasantly
surprised when Jameson showed up at the hospital later that night around nine
instead of the early morning hours.

Alley, Spencer, and
Aiden came with him so it was nice to have some company other than Emma to
annoy the shit out of me.
Nothing like variety right?

I thought Jameson would
just come into the room and relax but he and Aiden started carrying in two
guitars, drums, microphones and an amplifier. He kissed me on the forehead,
didn’t say anything and then backed away keeping his smirk at bay.

Once everything was set
up, he smiled. “Now I know I’m no Dan
Auerbach
when
it comes to American blues rock and the Black Keys, but I’ve done a lot of
sucking up in order to do this for you
...
so
...
enjoy honey.” Jameson said with a wink.

And then the sounds of
Need
a New Man
and an electric guitar filled my room as Jameson played with
elegant confidence and Aiden rocked out on the drums.

How they managed to get
this equipment in the hospital was beyond me but I was excited as hell, as was
Emma who bounced beside me.

He brought me my Black
Keys concert and my fairytale back.

Jameson leaned into the
microphone, looked up from his guitar and began singing. He winked as a few
nurses walked in to see what was going on. By the time he made it to the
chorus, the room was filled with people cheering them on.

From blistering to
scars, everything had taken a toll on us and now here we all were trying to
make sense of this life racing on the edge starting with a new set of tires or
a Black Keys concert.

17.
     
Slingshot
– Sway

Slingshot – A maneuver
in which a car following the leader in a draft suddenly steers around it,
breaking the vacuum, this provides an extra burst of speed that allows the
second car to take the lead.

“You’re good at
the woo
. You have it down to a fine art.”

“I better be. I just
promised the entire nursing staff to pose for pictures with them later.”
Jameson groaned regretting the decision. Those nurses were a bunch of cougars.

“Oh the cougars are
harmless.” I couldn’t help myself.

“Don’t even joke about
that.” He warned in hard voice. Two things we don’t joke about these days,
cougars and forks.

“My bad,” I giggled at
my weak humor. “You didn’t have to promise them anything.”

“I had to in order to
bring in all that equipment.” He told me kissing my lips again. “But the look
on your face was completely worth it.” His voice was hoarse but I loved the way
it cracked when he spoke. It reminded me of that sexy radio voice of his. “I
must have signed a thousand autographs so far tonight.” He teased.

“I want one.”

He groaned pushing
away. “Not you too,”

“I want an autograph.”
I’d never asked for one until now. The idea of having his autograph was
exciting to me and I couldn’t believe I’d never thought of it until now. In high
school he signed my binder but that was different.

“Why?”

“Because, I just do,”

“You should sleep.”

“I loved the concert.”
I told him. “Thank you. It was better than the real thing.” I replied referring
to the concert. We’d be talking about this autograph again.

“I’m glad.” Jameson
drew me against his chest, his chin resting on the top of my head as he rubbed
up and down my arm.

We’d been laying here
in my hospital bed all night, it was now around one in the morning and I could
tell Jameson needed sleep soon. By the dark circles, I doubted he’d slept much
at all lately.

“You should get some
sleep.” I rested my good hand on his rock hard stomach, the muscles flexed as
he leaned forward kicking off his shoes.

“I will. I just need
this right now. I need to feel you beside me,” he chuckled lightly. “I used to
be hardcore, now look at me.”

“Wait
...
did we just start talking about porn?”

“You’re adorable.” He
said with a chuckle, his head flopped to the side getting comfortable.

“Yeah, well you look
exhausted.” I traced his tired eyes.

“No
...
you
look exhausted.” He
told me with a weak smile and heavy eyes. “I look handsome.”

“And so modest,”

I could tell he was
fading fast so I laid my head back against his chest. After a few moments of listening
to his steady breathing, it slowed and I could tell he had
finally
fallen asleep.

When I thought about
what happened to Jameson and me, it was hard to imagine that we could overcome
it. It was difficult to imagine overcoming almost anything we’d been through so
far. But we had and I knew now wouldn’t be any different.

I knew our lives would
be forever changed by what Darrin had done. But I was also determined as hell
to find my happy right now again and turn it into my fairytale of happily ever
after despite what Darrin had threatened to tear apart. I wanted it. I needed
it.

Eventually I too fell
asleep but not after admiring Jameson as he slept against me. His features
softened from his usual tenseness. It was times like this, lying in his arms,
that I wonder if he actually knew how much I loved him, how much I needed him.
My happiness depended so much on him that it scared me. He said he was
precariously co-dependent on me, but I was just as much of a fool for him. I
also knew it would never change for us, and I was okay with that. I was okay
with being co-dependent on him.

Jameson had to leave in
the morning for an appearance on Wind Tunnel, which was a TV show, hosted by
Dave Harford, a former NASCAR driver himself. Alley went with him so that left
Emma here with me. Thankfully Nancy stayed too so at least I had some “normal”
company.

She didn’t speak much,
just knitted. She was knitting a baby blanket for the little spaz but I had to
remind her he was just a baby, not Shrek. The damn thing could cover a
California king mattress by the way she was knitting away.

“Here,” Emma handed me
a note with a rose and a decaf mocha. “This is from the asshole.”

Nancy laughed as Emma
skipped out with her wedding planner leaving me alone with her.

Sway,

Honey, I can’t tell you that I can get past what’s
happened as easily as you can because that’s not me. But I will try.

I can’t promise I will ever get over it but I love you
and I think that’s all that matters. It’s not your fault. It never was so
please
don’t
think that.

All I can say is that I want the same thing I wanted
before, you, and our family. My love won’t change. He didn’t change that and
never could.

Please hear me when I say that I love you and you’re
what I want. With all my heart,

Jameson Riley #9

I was grinning and
crying and then I was sniffling and finally sobbing into Nancy’s shoulder. He
confessed his love once more
and
I got my autograph.

“I’m worried about
him.”

Nancy brushed my hair
aside and smiled. “You know Sway, they are all the same. They carry a blanket
of burden on a pillow of pleasure.”

And she was absolutely
right. Jameson carried a burden just to have the pleasure racing created for
him. Though he was struggling with everything else now, racing was what would
get him past this.

I smiled when the show
came on remembering his note this morning.

“Did Jimi ever have
rival drivers?”

Nancy snorted. “Oh
yeah, I remember a few. Though none ever took it to the levels Darrin did, he
had them. I actually remember one race in particular where he and this racer
out of Australia got into at the World Finals in Charlotte in the 90’s. The two
of them took out half the field with their cheap shots at each other. Jimi
ended up getting suspended for the first race of the next season. I think
that’s when he took a step back and looked at how his attitude could destroy
his career if he let it.”

I nodded listening to
her knitting needles knock together. She got frustrated with a knot and pulled
on it. “Jimi finally had to get to a point where he just had to ignore them and
that wasn’t easy for him.”

“Jameson will learn. He
has always been this way but eventually he comes around. For a driver,
aggression is a hard line to understand. With practice they learn when and how
to turn it on and off.”

Nancy always had a way
of helping me understand what I couldn’t see for myself.

“Ladies and gentlemen,
thanks for joining us this morning. Today’s guest is the hottest Winston Cup
driver in the series today and I’m sure the ladies think I’m talking about his
looks, though there’s that. But I’m talking about this twenty-three year old
kid from Elma Washington who grew up on the dirt tracks of the Pacific
Northwest.” Dave said before Jameson came out. “He started his career at four
years old racing quarter midgets. The day he graduated from high school his
brother, sister, and some friends traveled around the south and mid-west racing
sprint cars, midgets, and late models collecting wins like the USAC Triple
Crown and Chili Bowl Midget Nationals. That was until he caught the attention
of Tate Harris. After that, his rise to fame was quick and here we are today,
the morning after his sixth career win in the Cup series. Please welcome the
driver of the Simplex Shocks and
Springs
number nine
Ford, Jameson Riley!”

I even did a little
cheer, as did Nancy and Emma when he stepped out, waving to the live audience,
regarding them nervously.

“Thanks for joining us
today, Jameson.” Dave shook hands with him.

Jameson smiled taking a
seat next to him on the brown leather couch.