Black Flag (Racing on the Edge) (55 page)

“Hey yourself,
beautiful,” I smiled to myself that just the tone of her voice could relax me.
“How are you feeling?”

“I’m good. Feeling
better every day,” She told me. “How was practice?” her voice had a certain
jovialness that made me smile.

“Thanks for the sixty
three voicemails last night. I had no idea my phone could hold that many.”

“Now you know. Tommy
was behind some of them. By the way, that shit head managed to get
himself
kicked out of here!”

“How the hell did he
manage that?”

“Who
knows.
How was the race?”

She knew I was
stalling.

“It’s was okay
...
I got fined though.” I knew once Jimi
heard about another fine, I would be in hot water once again with him not to
mention Simplex.

“Why?”

“I kind of threw my
helmet at an official when he black flagged me during practice.”

“Jameson!” Sway
growled. “You need to knock that shit off.”

“It doesn’t fucking matter
anyways.” I mumbled inertly.

“Why
not?”

“It just doesn’t.” I
began fumbling with the hem of my shirt. “The season has already gone to shit.
I just want it to be over with.”

“
Jameson Anthony
Riley
, you need to stop this and pull yourself together!”

“How?”
I shouted back,
instantly regretting the tone of my voice.

“Okay
...
” Sway paused for a long moment and I
knew she was pissed. “I will put up with a lot of shit from you Jameson, but I will
not sit back and watch you throw your career away because of that douche bag.
I’ve been by your side, watching, waiting, and supporting you through it all.
So for you to just give up now, what does that say about us? What does that say
to our son?” Sway’s rant stopped briefly as she sighed. “I can’t watch you do
this
...
I won’t sit back and
watch you do this to yourself. I get it
...
I
really
do. I feel the pain as well. I know how this has left its mark on
us but I can’t let it destroy
me
. We can’t let it destroy
us
. If
we do
...
if we let it destroy
us, he’s won. They’ve won.”

The line was silent
aside from the static from the cell phone reception, only our labored breathing
filled the air.

I wasn’t entirely sure
what to say. Sway had never gone off on a diatribe like that before, with me
anyways. And the worst part, I couldn’t blame her.

“I
...
uh—”

“Unless you are going
to tell me that you’re sorry and that you’ll go out there and be the man I
agreed to marry, save your bullshit for someone else.”

I crumbled fast.

“I’m sorry
...
” my voice broke. “I really am honey
...
I’m lost. I just don’t know how to be
that man for you right now. I just don’t know.” I drew in a shaky breath. “All
I see is that video on an endless loop. I look at you and see the images
...
and I can’t make it stop. I want to
but—”

“I know Jameson. I
really
do understand but what I’m saying is that I fell in love with the arrogant,
cocky dirty heathen who knew what he wanted out of life. He knew exactly what
his dreams were and was determined as hell to achieve them, no matter what. I
fell in love with the strong-minded eleven year old that thought he was the
shit compared to men three times his age, and you know what? He was.
You are
.”
Sway let out another sigh. “I want that man. That’s the man I agreed to spend
the rest of my life with.
The man that stood his ground when
everyone said he couldn’t make it out east when he was eighteen.
The man
that showed the world that an eighteen-year old kid could go to a track he’d
never raced at before and break the track record first time out. I want him.”

“That’s still me Sway.”
I told her, defeated. “I’m still that man.”

“No,
not right now you’re not.
I see that man, but I also see him slipping
away. Champions aren’t made, Jameson. They’re born. You were born to do this.”

Shadows of fear can be
suffocating if you let them. At some point, you’ll get tired of running from
it. At some point, you have to face it and turn on the light.

“We can’t waste our
time trying to get back what he took from us. We’ll miss out on what’s right in
front of us.” She said softly before she hung up.

As always, she knew
exactly what to say. She was right. We had a chance here to overcome this and
stop running from the looming shadows.

I will say that being
away from Sway gave me time to calm down and think. I wasn’t reminded every
second of the goddamn day of what Darrin did to her by staring at the bruises
that still lingered. But I still thought of them, I was still reminded every
second of the goddamn day that they were there because those images had been
seared into my brain.

I tried to keep focused
but it was a constant battle within me. I tried to keep that light off in fear
the doubt of my shadow would return.

“I’ll get the smoked
chicken and a Jack n coke.” I handed the menu back to the waitress over my
shoulder.

“I’ll have the same,
please.” Tate smiled politely toward the waitress.

Tate and I were having
dinner together the night before the Dover race. It’d been a long time since
we’d actually done anything together and it was nice.

From the time I
graduated from high school and decided to pursue this dream it seemed like my
free time wasn’t really my free time. Sure I had days off but lately those days
off were spent with Sway—which I would never complained about but I never had
time for my other friends. I rarely saw Tommy, Justin, and Tyler. It’d been a
while since I saw Ryder and Cody.

Bobby and Tate were
becoming good friends but still, outside of the track, we rarely got to spend
time just being normal people and not a professional race car driver with time
constraints limiting your personal life and those around you.

There comes a point in
your career as a race car driver that your life is no longer your life and your
friends, well, they are there but they never get the attention they deserve.
They get what’s left over after the lifestyle takes nearly everything you have.
It really can destroy you if you let it.

“I hear you threw your
helmet at old Huey.”

“That fucker deserved
it. He black flagged me in practice.” I clipped with a sour edge.
“Practice
.
Who does that shit?”

“Uh,” his eyebrows
rose. “I was out there with you.” He said sardonically. “You
were
driving like an asshole. Do you realize you pushed me into Paul like five
fucking times.” he shook his head with a laugh. “You’re such a shit sometimes.”

“Sorry.”

He hesitated for a
brief second before speaking. “I heard Kyle punched Gordon. I would have liked
to have witnessed that.”

“You
and me both.
He showed me the video surveillance.”

“I heard
...
that’s why I would have liked to have
seen Kyle give the asshole what he deserved.”

I stared back at him
with a tortured expression, reliving the images once again. “Yeah,”

“You know
...
I shouldn’t have brought that up, I’m
sorry.” His probing eyes examined me.

“No,” I waved him off.
“It’s fine. I just don’t know what would have possessed him to show me.”

He laughed one hard
laugh. “He was always on his side. Gordon thought Darrin was the best driver
out there and what the sport needed. Then you came along.”

Conversations drifted
away as the commotion around us picked up as a few fans stopped by for
autographs and pictures.

“How’s Sway feeling?”
Tate asked once the waitress brought our drinks out, the fans leaving us to our
meals.

“She seems good.” I
took a slow drink, feeling the burn of the alcohol. “She yelled at me.”

Tate laughed.
“Been there before.
The woman rules,”

“Yeah, I guess you’re
right.” I smiled ruefully at him, hoping he didn’t see the sadness I felt.
“They definitely have a way.”

He once again examined
my face for a moment and then nodded with a genial smile seeming to notice my
inner battle. “Anything you want to talk about there, kid?”

I inhaled a deep breath
running my hand over my jaw. Leaning back in my chair I thought once again
about what Sway told me. “She thinks I’m letting go of what I want.”

“She’s right, you are.”
Tate shifted forward, his elbows resting against the table, his hand scrapped
along the rough stubble of his jaw. “When I first met you, I thought to myself
...
there’s a kid that’s either going to be
a champion or kill himself trying. I’ve never seen another driver with your
determination, your desire to be the best. That combined with the raw talent
you possess
...
you’re inexorable on
the track, you
dominate
.” He told me with a shake of his head. “I’ve
been racing since I was a kid, just like you. But I’ll never compare to the
talent you have behind the wheel. No one on the series can.” He smiled before
speaking again. “Do you know why I raced you the way I did in Richmond?”

“Because that’s how we
race.” I shrugged. “All or nothing,”

“Yeah, that’s partially
right, but I knew that if you were to get inside the top five in points, we
didn’t stand a chance at winning a repeat championship.”

I smiled halfheartedly
taking another drink but didn’t answer.

“Sway’s just looking
out for you, Jameson. She knows you and she knows what you can do.” His
expression changed, tensed. “I was in my fourth year of the Cup Series when
Darrin was a rookie. I hated him from the beginning. I mean, if I thought you
were cocky, he was ten times worse but he didn’t have any reason to be. There
are plenty of other drivers out there he could have targeted like he did to you
and Kasey. But he did that because you two were competition for him, you more
so than Kasey. I don’t blame you for going after him
...
” he shook his head. “I would have done
the same thing.” Tate smiled holding his drink up. “Here’s to him never coming
back.”

“I’ll drink to that.” I
said with a wicked smile. Even with unspoken words, most around the garage
figured Darrin’s abrupt disappearance had something to do with me but then
again, they never questioned it as I would have never questioned any of them in
my shoes. It was just an unspoken code of conduct between us.

It was silent for a few
moments as the waitress delivered the food and brought out new drinks.

Tate was one of the
main reasons I got this chance to live this dream and I knew me blowing it, was
also letting him down. As much as it hurt to hear Sway tell me how I was
acting, it hurt worse to actually see it in Tate’s eyes.

 I saw it with
Sway, but Tate gave me this chance with Simplex. If I walked away from it all,
that would be just like a slap in his face to him.

“Keep your head on kid,
I mean that.” He leaned forward, taking another sip of his drink before running
his fingertips over the condensation forming around the glass. With his eyes
still focused on the glass, he began to speak. “
Be
the
kid I witnessed come out to the Chili Bowl at nineteen competing against men
who’d been racing twice as long as he had. Be the kid that broke the track
record that same week because the other drivers wouldn’t take him seriously.”
Tate tipped his head in my direction. “And to this day, three years later,
still holds the track record for the fastest lap ever made at Chili Bowl
Nationals, and your first lap ever made there. Jameson, that right there should
tell you what kind of talent you possess.” He intoned, his body relaxed in his
chair, crossing his leg over his left knee. “I shouldn’t say that to you,
because I know damn well if you can pull yourself together and get that drive,
that determination in you back, I don’t stand a chance for a repeat
championship.”

I snorted; the corners
of my mouth twitch into smile.

“Thanks
...
for everything, Tate.” I said with
conviction. “It’s nice to have friends like you.”

“Thank me when you win
the championship.” He sounded utterly convinced I could do it. “You could give
me the trophy you know.”

“Ah, well, I don’t
really care about the trophy so yeah, you can have it.”

He laughed. “You’ll
change your mind when you’re
holdin
’ it.”

The last words he said
to me that night were probably the most memorable of everything.