Black Ties and Lullabyes (30 page)

Jeremy stopped short, feeling an instantaneous shot of jealousy. The guy was maybe in his late thirties. Tal . Not bad looking. And Bernie seemed extraordinarily happy to see him. It was one thing for Max and Carlos to appreciate how great Bernie looked. He had control over their behavior. But this guy… who the hel was he?

Jeremy continued through the crowd and came up beside Bernie.

“Jeremy!” Bernie said. “Where have you been? You have to meet Kyle.”

No, I don’t.

The guy gave Jeremy a big smile and stuck out his hand. “Kyle Davenport.”

Jeremy shook his hand.
Nice to meet you. Now go
away.

“Kyle was a classmate of mine at TSU,” Bernie said. “He and I lived in the same dorm.” Kyle turned away from Jeremy as if he wasn’t even there, focusing on Bernie again, giving her an appreciative smile. “It’s so good to see you again. I barely recognized you. You look great.”

“Thanks,” she said, beaming. “So do you.”

“Oh!” Kyle said. “Do you remember the day in microbiology class when Dr. Perez caught her hair on fire?”

Bernie laughed. “How could I forget?” And then they were laughing in stereo, and for some reason, that irritated the hel out of Jeremy.

“Gee,” he said. “Sounds hilarious.”

Bernie turned to him. “Dr. Perez leaned over to look into a microscope. She didn’t know the Bunsen burner was so close, and when she stood up, her hair was on fire.”

Kyle chuckled. “She couldn’t figure out why Bernie was smacking her on the head with a spiral notebook.”

Yeah. That’s hilarious, all right. I bet you’ve got a
million of them. Feel free to take them somewhere
else.

But no. They kept talking. He had to hear reminiscences about everything from stuck quarters in a dorm washing machine to a mixer their freshman year where a guy got so drunk he shoved his own mattress out a third-story window.

Jeremy heard somebody cal his name. He turned to see the president of the university standing behind him, talking to a couple of other donors.

“Can you join us for a moment?” he said.

Jeremy held up his finger, then turned to Bernie.

“The president wants to speak to me.”

“Go ahead,” she said. “I’m fine.”

No. That wasn’t the response he was looking for.

He was looking for something more along the lines of

“Bye bye, Kyle” as she fol owed him over to meet the president.

“Don’t worry,” Kyle said with that irritatingly cheerful smile. “I’l take good care of her. We have plenty of catching up to do.”

A sharp spark of jealousy tightened every muscle in Jeremy’s body, but he wasn’t about to let it show. He just nodded as if it was fine with him and joined the president’s group. For the next ten minutes, he was forced to listen to endless chatter about the university’s plans to build a new facility to house the school of business. What Jeremy real y wanted to do was grab Bernie, take her home, and drag her straight to bed, and by the time the night was over, he’d make absolutely sure she couldn’t even remember that guy’s name.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kyle reach into his wal et and pul out a couple of business cards. He handed them to Bernie. She stuck one in her evening bag. Then she flipped the other one over, wrote something on it, and handed it back to Kyle.

Okay. That was it. Enough was enough.

Just as he was extricating himself from the conversation with the president, Kyle gave Bernie another hug and walked away. Jeremy came up beside Bernie, and she looped her hand around his arm.

“That Kyle is sure a friendly guy, isn’t he?” Jeremy said.

“Yeah. He is.”

“Did you date in col ege?”

“No. We were just friends.”

“I didn’t see a ring.”

“He was divorced a few years ago.”

Big red flag.

“He gave you his card,” Jeremy said.

“Yeah. We’re going for coffee on Thursday to catch up a little more.”

Jeremy nearly choked. Coffee?
Coffee?
Didn’t she know that was a male code word for
I want to get
naked with you?

Maybe she did know.

In that moment, Jeremy realized the awful truth. He had no hold on Bernie. None at al . He might be the father of her babies, but her life was her own, and she’d always made it very clear that she intended to live it any way she wanted to.

The question was, where did he fit in?

He imagined what might happen after she met that guy for coffee. They might start to date. Get engaged.

Get married. Pretty soon Jeremy would be nothing more than that weekend guy, the one who picked up the kids on Friday, endured the glare of her husband, tried too hard with the kids and spoiled the hel out of them, then returned them on Sunday. He’d be the odd man out. Biological father, but not real y essential in the day-to-day lives of his children, and virtual y nonexistent in Bernie’s eyes. And for the rest of his life, he’d be forced to imagine another man making love to her, and that was absolutely intolerable.

With other women, it had always been about the conquest. Once he had sex with them, the need he felt for them disappeared. But making love to Bernie had only sharpened his desire. That confused him.

Unnerved him. Made him feel as if his emotions weren’t his own anymore. Bernie was holding them now, and every smile she directed at another man felt like a knife straight to his heart, as if the time they spent together and the closeness they’d shared meant nothing to her.

By the time they left the university half an hour later, Jeremy’s nerves were in a knot. Once they were in the limo, Bernie kicked off her shoes with a satisfied sigh.

He looked at her feet and was shocked.

“Red nail polish?” he said.

“Lawanda did it. She put the light frost on my fingernails, but she said I needed red on my toenails even if it didn’t show. She said I’d feel like a wild woman just knowing it was there.”

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Feel like a wild woman?”

She laughed. “Yeah. I kinda do.” She slid down in the seat and turned a little, crossing her arms and resting her cheek against the leather seat, her laughter fading to a soft smile. “Thank you so much for inviting me tonight. I had such a wonderful time.” Every word she spoke only irritated him more. The Bernie he knew was supposed to gag at red nail polish and feel insecure at a formal event. This Bernie looked beautiful and chatted with other men and felt like a wild woman.

Bernie’s smile faded. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing’s the matter.”

“You’re frowning.”

“I’ve had a long day.”

“How was your flight from Atlanta?”

“Fine.”

“Did your meetings go okay?”

“I told you everything’s fine,” Jeremy said, even though things were about as far from fine as he could imagine. “I’m just ready to get home. Get out of this tux. Like I said, it’s been a long day.” Ten minutes later, the limo pul ed up to Jeremy’s house. Carlos and Max left. Jeremy and Bernie went into the kitchen. She put her purse down onto the breakfast room table, and he pul ed her into his arms for a kiss.

“Thanks for a wonderful evening,” she said.

“It’s not over yet,” Jeremy said. “Stay with me tonight.”

Bernie smiled. “Okay. But I have to be out of here at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning.”

Jeremy frowned. “Why?”

“The guys are coming over to help me paint the nursery.”

Jeremy came to attention. “That room was just painted.”

“I know. But not in baby colors.”

“Your friends don’t need to do that. Just pick out a paint color and send one of the crews in. They’l take care of it.”

“Come on, Jeremy. It’s no fun if professionals do it.

And they cost a lot of money. Al the guys cost is a couple of boxes of doughnuts.”

As Jeremy imagined the whole group of them at Bernie’s apartment, the strangest feeling wel ed up inside him. She was going to be living it up with her friends, painting a nursery for
his
children, and where would he be?

At home by himself.

“Go ahead,” he said with an offhand shrug. “Do whatever you want to.” What else could he say?

Bernie’s probing stare came back again. “Okay.

You’ve been acting weird ever since we left the university. What’s up?”

Al the way home, the what-ifs had piled up inside Jeremy’s mind, and now he was on the verge of exploding with them. Bernie thought her choices were nonexistent where men were concerned, but she was dead wrong. There were hundreds of other men in this world she could have, and once she figured that out, Jeremy had no doubt she’d want to make up for lost time and try a few of them out. Pretty soon one of them would stick—maybe even Kyle after that cup of coffee—and he’d be out in the cold. And she had friends—old friends, close friends, friends who put together baby cribs and painted nurseries. And she had a mother who loved her. In light of al that, he could see only one way for him to fit into her life that would ensure he didn’t get sidelined and eventual y shoved out of the way altogether. And that was to offer her something no woman in her right mind could possibly turn down.

He took off his coat and draped it over the back of a chair, then turned to face Bernie. “I have a proposition for you.”

She smiled and moved closer, draping her arms around his neck. “I’m listening.”

“I think,” he said, “that we should get married.”

Bernie had never felt so flabbergasted in her life. She dropped her arms and backed away from Jeremy.

“
What
did you say?”

“I think we should get married,” Jeremy said.

After she got over the first few seconds of total astonishment, part of her wanted to throw her arms around his neck again and tel him that yes, of course she’d marry him. After al , hadn’t she thought about it dozens of times since they’d made love three nights ago? Fantasized that he’d suddenly fal in love with her, they’d get married, and live happily ever after?

But even as she entertained those thoughts, she knew fantasies were dangerous things, and they sure as hel couldn’t be wished into reality. Things had been good between them, but a marriage proposal right now just didn’t fit the whole picture.

“I’m not sure I heard you right,” Bernie said. “Are you asking me to
marry
you?”

“I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided it’s the logical thing to do.”

“Logical?”

“You say you don’t think you’l ever get married. It’s not in the cards for me, either. We have two babies to raise. Doing it in one household wil make it easier.”

“Let me see if I have this straight,” she said. “You want to marry me because it makes things easier for you?”

“For both of us.”

“That’s crazy.”

“Is it real y?” he said, pul ing his tie from around his neck and tossing it on the table. “We get along wel , don’t we?”

“Yeah, but—”

“You liked living here, right?”

“Of course I did. But—”

“You’l have everything you’l ever want or need, and so wil our children.” He took a few steps toward her.

“Think about it, Bernie. Think of the advantages of being married to a man like me.”

She didn’t doubt that. But this didn’t feel like a marriage proposal. It felt like he was negotiating a merger, and that made her very uneasy. As unsentimental as she was, she assumed if a proposal ever came, it would be accompanied by a ring and at least a smal mention of how he felt about her. But that wasn’t what he was offering.

Not even close.

“I can only imagine the prenup you’d want me to sign,” she said. “Is there enough paper on the planet to put that one together?”

“That’s a necessity. Otherwise you could divorce me in a month and take half of everything I have. What kind of idiot would run headlong into a marriage under those circumstances?”

“What kind of idiot would run headlong into marriage under
any
circumstances?”

“If it’s the right thing to do, time changes nothing.”

“No. I told you. This is crazy.”

“I explained why it makes sense.”

“Great. Why don’t you draw up a business plan for that little venture and give me a cal ?”

“We’re both practical people. So why are you surprised that I’m being practical?”

“I don’t get it. If al you want is for me and the babies to stay here, we don’t have to get married to make that happen.”

“Yeah? You say you can’t ever see yourself getting married, but what if you do? Where does that leave me? As that guy who gets his kids on the weekends?

I have no intention of letting another man have more control over my children than I do.”

Al at once, light dawned, and Bernie understood what was real y at the heart of this. “Okay. Now I get it.

It’s a matter of control. You need to get over that, Jeremy.”

“I have nothing to get over.”

“Please. I’ve never seen any man so determined to get what he wants no matter what the cost. You want to run my life. You want to run the babies’ lives. But it can’t always be about what
you
want.”

“You’l be getting plenty of what you want, too.”

“Like what?”

“Like a beautiful place to live. Everything you and your children could ever want. You can work only if you want to. What woman wouldn’t want those things?”

“And where do I sleep?” she asked.

For the first time, he seemed a little flustered.

“Wherever you want to.”

“How about in another man’s bed?”

He frowned. “Another man’s bed? When you’re married to me?”

“But it’s not a real marriage you’re offering me, is it?”

“What I’m offering you is the best of everything.

Can’t you see that? For you, for our children—”

“I’m not interested.”

“Good God, Bernie!” he said, flinging his palms out.

“I offer you the whole universe, and you won’t marry me? What the hel is
wrong
with you?”

“I deserve more than that.”

“More than the goddamned
universe
?”

“It’s always about money to you, isn’t it?” she said.

“You think if you throw enough of it at somebody, they’re yours to command. I know you don’t believe this, but there real y are some things money won’t buy.”

“Wil you stop being so damned self-righteous?

You’re acting as if money isn’t important to you. That’s bul shit. You need my money, and you need it badly.”

“And you’re praying I’l take it, because you have nothing else to give.”

Jeremy slowly lifted his chin, his eyes narrowing. In the years Bernie had known him, she’d never seen him truly angry. Irritated, maybe. Frustrated, yes. But she’d never seen the fury on his face that she was looking at right now.

“Try crawling out of the cesspool I was raised in and see how
that
changes the way you look at things,” he said hotly. “I worked my ass off for the life I have, and I’m not going to apologize for living it.”

“Yes. You have an incredible life. Exactly the kind of life a helpless, desperately unhappy kid dreams of.” His brows drew together. “What are you talking about?”

“When you speak, people listen. Nobody tel s you no. You have every toy you’ve ever wanted. You built a castle fil ed with pretty stuff on a piece of property that looks like Disney World. You drive dream cars, fly fast jets, and keep company with beautiful blond princesses who answer your every whim. And you keep doing more and building more because it’s al you know to do, waiting for the day when it final y becomes enough and happiness arrives.” He glared at her. “You don’t know what the hel you’re talking about.”

She took a step closer to him, her throat tight with emotion. She tilted her head to catch his gaze, but he averted his eyes. “You’ve never loved anyone, have you? Not even when you were a child.” Tears wel ed up in her eyes, and her voice fel to a plaintive whisper. “Nobody was there to show you how.”

“I don’t need this,” he said, a warning tone creeping into his voice.

“So now you’ve gotten to a place where you put money and casual sex where real relationships should be, and you can’t understand why you’re stil miserable.”

“Bernie—”

“And the women. God, Jeremy. That only makes things worse. You can’t keep people at arm’s length al these years and not have it take a tol on you.”

“I told you to stop.”

“You’re going to have the babies now. You have a shot at something good and real and lasting with them. You can be the father with them your father wasn’t with you. But I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. I’m afraid if you don’t let your guard down and focus on what’s important and learn to
love
them—”

“Wil you just leave me the hel
alone
?” His shout echoed through the kitchen. Bernie recoiled, shocked at his sudden outburst. But the agonizing silence that fol owed was worse. In spite of his anger, her heart was bleeding for him. She knew deep down he was a good, compassionate man, but until he saw himself that way, he was always going to be trapped in a terrible cycle of reaching for happiness in al the wrong ways. And the last thing she needed to do was get trapped in it with him.

“I know that because of where you come from, marriage doesn’t mean anything to you,” she said.

“But it means everything to me. Given my situation, my chance of getting struck by lightning is probably greater than my chance of finding another man who wants to marry me. But I’l tel you this. If it ever happens, it’l be for real. He’l be a good, kind, dependable man who wil love me forever. That’s when I’l get married, Jeremy. And not until.” She grabbed her purse from the breakfast room table and headed for the back door, only to stop and turn back.

“You want to hear something funny?” she said through her tears.

He turned slowly to face her.

“That man I’ve been looking for? The one who wil love me forever?”

“What about him?”

Bernie paused, emotion choking her words. “I thought maybe that man was you.”

She searched his face, looking for even the tiniest chink in the wal he’d built around himself, but al she saw was stoic denial.

“Wel ,” he said, his voice tinged with sarcasm, “I guess that means you don’t know me as wel as you think you do.”

Bernie blinked, and tears cascaded down her cheeks. “Yeah. I guess it does. Good-bye, Jeremy.”

“The babies—”

“I’l be in touch.”

She opened the door and left the house, hurrying to her car, and she managed to drive almost to the front gate before the tears came, so hard and so fast that they practical y blinded her to drive. She pul ed a tissue out of her console and dabbed her eyes, then kept on going, needing to get as far away from there as possible.

Max had been right. Jeremy had the capacity to cause her a world of hurt, and that was exactly what he’d done.

Jeremy went to the window and watched as Bernie’s car disappeared down the driveway, and soon al he saw were her tail ights glimmering in the darkness, growing dimmer and dimmer until they final y disappeared altogether. He stood at the window for a long time, feeling so alone he could barely breathe. An empty, gnawing sensation ground through his stomach, the silence of the house hanging over him, until al he could hear was the incessant ticking of the heirloom clock in his breakfast room and the blood pulsing through his ears with every beat of his heart.

He couldn’t understand it. He just couldn’t. Any other woman would consider herself the luckiest person on the planet at his proposal, but Bernie acted as if he’d done something wrong by offering her the moon and a few distant galaxies to boot.

He strode over to the counter to his iPod docking station and turned on some music. Then he went to his den, where he flipped on the television and jacked up the sound. Anything to drown out the godawful silence. Then he sat on the sofa and dropped his head to his hands, the music and the voices of the news anchors pulsing through his skul .

His desperation turned to anger, gradual y building to a fever pitch. He rose and went to the bar. Grabbed a shot glass. Poured himself a drink and tossed it down. Before the burn in his throat had even begun to diminish, he’d already poured himself another one, only to slam down the bottle, pick up the glass, and throw it across the room. It crashed into his cherry-wood bookcase and shattered in a starburst of glass fragments and alcohol.

He gripped the edge of the bar and ducked his head, his breaths hard and raspy.

She’d walked out on him. He’d offered her everything he had, and stil she’d walked out. What the hel was he supposed to do now?

He’d worked like crazy to be where he was now. To have the kind of life most men only dream about. But she acted as if that wasn’t enough. And that had made him want to grab her and hold her and explain to her that he only wanted what was best for al of them. To keep her right here in his house until she accepted everything he wanted to give her.

Instead, he’d driven her away.

Jeremy felt a shiver of desperation that went soul deep. Good God. What had he done?

He sat on the sofa again, dropping his head back and closing his eyes, his heart stil hammering in his chest. His thoughts drifted back to Bernie talking about her father. Not once had she mentioned any material things he’d given her. Her relationship with him was al about love and acceptance and time spent together. Jeremy had offered her none of those things. That she’d refused to take his money should have told him something. It should have been a big red traffic light demanding he stop and think about what he was doing. But no. He’d been so stuck in the past, so firm in his conviction that his life was wonderful, that he’d refused to see just how pitiful it real y was.

He’d built this house because he could. It had become the outward representation of every age-old resentment he felt inside, every desire he’d ever had to stick it to anyone who looked down on him, who told him he couldn’t make it. Not a solitary soul could pass by this house without knowing what a success he’d become.

But what good was it when he had nobody to share it with?

He sat up again, bowing his head, feeling sick to his stomach. He’d given her what he thought was every reason on earth for her to stay, and she’d rejected every one of them. And he knew why. It was because she wasn’t like other women, who cared only about his money, his power, his prestige, who would agree to any condition on earth just to become Mrs.

Jeremy Bridges.

And that was why he loved her.

When that realization struck him, he felt as if he’d been hit by a thunderbolt. It had hovered at the edge of his consciousness for weeks now, maybe longer, but he’d refused to let it rise to the surface. It had been there in the lazy evenings they’d spent on his sofa together, in the meals they’d shared in his kitchen, in the quiet warmth of her bed as they’d made love. How could it be? How could he have spent al that time with her and never realized until this moment how he truly felt?

Bernie had tried to tel him what she wanted in a man, and it wasn’t power, money, or prestige.

He’ll be a good, kind, dependable man who will
love me forever…

After what he’d done tonight, he felt like none of those things. But he would be wil ing to try every day of the rest of his life to live up to them. Somehow he had to tel her he loved her, knowing if he didn’t have her in his life, his life wouldn’t be worth living.

Please, God, tell me I haven’t lost her forever.

Suddenly he heard sirens. He thought for a moment they were outside, only to realize they were coming from the television. He glanced up at the screen and saw flames. Emergency vehicles. A reporter standing out in front with a microphone, shouting to be heard over the commotion.