Blast Off! (5 page)
Authors: Nate Ball
“W
hat is going on with you?” Olivia said.
Olivia?
She sat down next to me on one of the chairs lined up outside Principal Luntz's office. I was waiting to be called in. She proceeded to punch me in the armânot hard, but hard enough to let me know she wasn't happy about being left out.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, looking around. “How'd you get out of class? Did you see anything odd in the hallway?”
“I got a bathroom pass,” she replied simply, jumping up and pressing her ear to the frosted glass on Principal Luntz's door.
“Get away from there,” I hissed. “You're going to get busted.”
“You're acting like a weirdo,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me. She sat back down in the chair next to mine. “You're sleeping with your window wide open so the whole world can see your unmentionables. You're acting funny at the bus stop. You've got Max Myers crawling on the bus. You're pulling off class pranks. Now you're tangling with Principal Dunce.”
“It's Luntz, not Dunce,” I whispered. “Be quiet, will you? I'm in enough trouble already.”
She placed her hand on my forehead. “Maybe you caught some kind of insanity flu. Do you feel hot?”
I pushed her hand away. “It's not like that. It's kind of complicated.”
“Look who you're talking to! I'm a complicated chick. Spill the beans, Zacky.”
“I'm in a situation here,” I said. “It's best if you avoid getting tangled up in my web of disaster.”
“Look, I'm a fixer, right?” she said, raising her eyebrows at me. “You've got a problem; I can fix it. I can handle Luntz,” she said, jumping to her feet. “Let me speak on your behalf,” she assured me, reaching out for the doorknob to Luntz's office.
“Wait!” I pleaded. “Okay! Okay! I can sort of tell you what's going on, but only because I may need your help finding my . . . my . . . new friend.”
Olivia looked at me with a funny face. “New friend? Do tell, Zack McGee.”
I collected my thoughts before speaking. “I have sort of a houseguest. A secret houseguest.”
She looked at me like a weasel just crawled out of my nose. “You mean at your house-home? Where you live?”
“Yes! You don't know him. He's really . . . um . . . really short.”
“You have a secret short man living at your house? Is he your Uncle Herb?”
“No, no! You've never met him. He's not from around here.”
“So, you've got a short stranger living in your house?” she said slowly. She stared off for a few moments. “What's that got to do with Miss Martin smelling vanilla or thinking you're hot stuff?”
“Well, this guest . . . He's different,” I said, trying not to say too much. “He's . . . well, he's blue.”
“Blue? You mean, he's really sad?”
I knew this wasn't going to be easy. “No, not that kind of blue,” I groaned. “You're not getting it.”
“Oh, I think I am!” she said, raising her voice now. “You've got a secret, really short, very blue man who isn't from around here living at your house. That makes perfect sense!”
“He's actually not a man,” I said, sinking lower into my chair. “He says he's not a boy or a girl. He is both and neither at the same time.”
Olivia stared at me for a full minute. “Zack McGee, you are too old for imaginary friends.”
“He's not imaginary,” I hissed.
“What's wrong with you?” Olivia shouted. She grabbed my shoulders with both hands and shook me vigorously. “Snap out of it!”
“MCGEE, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?!”
Principal Luntz had thrown open his office door. His face was red and unhappy.
Olivia suddenly stood up and brushed the wrinkles out of her shirt, composing herself like a professional actor. “Sir, I am here to represent the best interests of one Zack McGee, the troubled youth you see sitting here before you.”
If I'd sunk any lower in my chair, I'd have been on the floor.
Luntz looked us both over for what seemed like an eternity. “Fine, but I'll talk to you separately. You first,” he said, pointing to Olivia.
I jumped up to protest, but he gave me his extremely-serious-principal look, and I slowly slumped back into my chair.
As his door clicked closed, I considered the fact that I should have listened to my mom and stayed home today.
A
s I listened to Olivia's muffled voice behind the glass of Principal Luntz's office, I considered the mess my life had become. My “new start” in fourth grade seemed in total jeopardy.
“I'm sorry, Zack,” Amp's voice said from the chair next to me.
“AAGH!” I yelped, nearly leaping out of my own skin. “Where'd you come from?”
“Oh, please, I cannot be as scary as that floofy bell that keepsâ”
Amp didn't finish, because my hand shot out as fast as a frog's tongue, and I snatched up my alien pal.
“I should be drop-kicking you across the blacktop,” I growled at the tiny blue head poking out of my fist.
He made a pained face. “Too tight,” he managed to bleat. I loosened my grip and he gulped at the air. “I said I was sorry.”
“You can't just turn a school upside down because you need some spare parts for your crummy space ship,” I said. “Or turn a life upside down.”
“I haven't turned anything upside down,” he said with a puzzled look.
“You know what I mean,” I said with clenched teeth.
“No, I truly don't know what you mean.”
“This is a disaster,” I hissed. “Olivia's in there trying to get me out of trouble. My whole class thinks I'm a complete nutball. Lexie Evans wants to touch my hair.”
He thought about all this for a minute. “You're right, I was not careful with my impulse trick. I won't do it again.”
“Thank you,” I sighed. But now it was my turn to think about things for a minute. “Not so fast,” I said, snapping my fingers. I sat up straight. “Hey, we could use your little mind trick one more time. I'm in a real pickle here.”
“Wait, what about a pickle? I didn't follow the pickle part.”
“It's a saying.”
“A saying?”
“A figure of speech.”
“I've spent years learning Earth languages. All of them. And never have I heard that people can be
in
a pickle. Very strangeâand dangerous. It seems to me you'd risk being eaten.”
“Listen,” I said, taking a deep breath. “We need to use your Jedi mind trick thing on Principal Luntz. If he calls my dad, I will be grounded until I'm a grandfather.”
“That sounds terrible.”
“So just shoot some of those thought-balls in his direction. You know, like how I'm a great kid.”
“No, you said not to do that trick anymore. You said my mind trick was turning things upside down. I was wrong to use it. How could using it again be a good thing?”
“My goose is cooked here, Amp. I've painted myself into a corner. I'm hanging by a thread. You get that, right?”
“Something about your goose hanging in a corner,” he said with a helpless look on his face. “I'm still trying to figure out the pickle thing.”
I groaned. “I know I told you to not do that mind stuff again. I get that. But I want you to make an exception in this case.”
He screwed up his little face and looked into the distance. “Let me think about this.”
I waited a full minute. “Well?” I finally said.
“I need more time. I'll let you know tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? Are you kidding me? I'm going to get creamed now.”
“Zack,” Olivia's voice called out as Principal Luntz's door clicked open. “Would you join us in here?”
I hoisted Amp up so we could see eye to eye. “You are the most frustrating alien in the whole stinkin' universe,” I growled, then shoved him back inside my backpack and headed into Principal Luntz's office.
“O
livia here tells me you've been sleepwalking,” Principal Luntz said, focusing on me through his reading glasses like I was a fly caught between a pair of chopsticks.
“Somnambulism is nothing to be ashamed of,” Olivia added.
“Somna . . . what?” I said, sitting down next to Olivia in the empty chair in front of Principal Luntz's desk.
“Olivia is right,” Principal Luntz said with a slight smirk. “I understand you've been traipsing about your neighborhood in the middle of the night in your boxers.”
“Unmentionables,” Olivia corrected him.
“What?” I yelped. I shot Olivia a look. “That's not . . . What the heck does âtraipsing' mean?”
“Look, I'm sure there's medication your parents can get for you,” Principal Luntz said.
Medication? I looked at Olivia and raised my eyebrows. She gave me a confident smile in return.
Principal Luntz leaned forward and peered at me over his glasses. “Now then, this business about having a crush on your teacher, Miss Martin. I'm afraid there's no medication for that type of thing.”
“Who?” I asked, not understanding what Principal Luntz just said. I whipped my head in Olivia's direction. “What did youâ” I stared at Olivia, but she didn't return my gaze.
“Zack, sometimes we have feelings that we don't understand,” Principal Luntz said, tapping the tip of his pencil on his nose.
“No!” I interrupted. “I don't have any feelings.”
Principal Luntz gave me a calming motion with both hands. “Despite the strong feelings that we have, we still have to comport ourselves with the utmost propriety.”
I shook my head. “âComport'? I'm afraid I have noâ”
Olivia grabbed my arm. “What Principal Luntz is saying is that despite the fact you're experiencing a severe case of puppy love, you can't act out inappropriately in class.”
“Exactly!” exclaimed Principal Luntz, pointing at Olivia with his pencil.
“Puppy love?” I groaned, staring at Olivia with crazy eyes. “Really?”
“There's nothing to be ashamed of,” Principal Luntz said with chuckle.
“Yes, Zack, it's the most natural thing in the world,” Olivia said, patting my arm with a pretend look of understanding and sympathy.
“These feelings will pass, probably in a few days,” Principal Luntz said with a dramatic wave of his hand. “Nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I am not ashamed of anything,” I said slowly. “I don't evenâ”
“But in the meantime let's cool it with the disruptive behavior in class,” Principal Luntz interrupted, gazing intently at me over his glasses.
“Okay,” I whispered, defeated.
“Wonderful! I must say, Zack, you're lucky to have a friend like Olivia. She is one sharp cookie. She explained everything. But what really concerns me is the bit about you sleepwalking in your underwear.”
“Unmentionables,” Olivia corrected him again.
“Unmentionables, yes,” he agreed, nodding.
Unbelievable.
“That could be dangerous,” he said, almost smiling before leaning forward and pressing a button on his phone. We heard a ringing on the speaker. “So, I'll just have Miss Sturney call your mom for me. I'll notify her of the situation and let her decide the best course of action.”
Olivia sat up. She looked at me with panic in her eyes. “Oh, I don't think that will be necessary.”
“Butâ” was all I could think to say before Miss Sturney, our school's secretary, answered Principal Luntz on the intercom. “Yes, Mr. Luntz,” we heard her say through the small speaker. “What's up?”
At that moment, something strange happened: Principal Luntz opened his mouth to speak, but didn't say anything.
Olivia and I exchanged a look.
“Bob, you still there?” we heard Miss Sturney ask.
And just as quickly as he froze, he came back to life. “Miss Sturney, I feel like a yummy banana split. With walnuts. And some of those colorful little things on top.”
Now Olivia and I both froze.
Amp!
“What do you call those little things?” Principal Luntz asked us.
“Do you mean sprinkles?” I said after a moment's pause.
“Yes, sprinkles!” Principal Luntz cried. “You catch that, Miss Sturney?”
The speaker on the intercom was silent. Miss Sturney was obviously processing this odd request. “You want a banana split, right? Well, I've got lunch orders here, sir, that I have to get to the cafeteria, but I guess I could run out for oneâa banana split, I meanâif you really need one.”
“With walnuts,” Principal Luntz added.
“And sprinkles,” I added.
“Yes, I heard you,” an unhappy Miss Sturney answered.
Miss Sturney sounded downright peeved. But Principal Luntz looked as happy as a kid on the first day of summer. He released the button on the intercom, cutting off Miss Sturney without so much as a “Thank you.”
“Scrumdiddlyumptious!” he said with a giddy chuckle and a clap of his hands. “Okay, now back to class with you both.” He scribbled on a yellow pad, and tore off two late passes.
I stood. Olivia stayed put, looking from the late pass to Principal Luntz a few times.
“Olivia,” I hissed. I stepped toward her, gently grabbed her wrist, and led her slowly out of Principal Luntz's office. I shut the door without looking back.
“Did you do that banana split thing?” she asked.
I shrugged.
“Dang it, Zack, you need to tell me what's going on, or I'm calling the FBI!”
I looked around. “Okay, okay,” I said. “But I can't show you here. C'mon, follow me.”