Blindness (33 page)

I nod lightly, my eyes wide and taking every
gesture, every facial insinuation in.

“My son, he’s big on plans—and you’re an
important part of that, you know?” Jim says, waiting for me to
agree—like I’m signing a contract.

“Yes, sir. I do know,” I say, somehow
swallowing silently and breathing despite the dryness of my throat.
I stand there, terrified, waiting for Jim to continue, but he never
does. He goes back to his article, completely engrossed in it—it’s
as if he never noticed me at all.

I slip from the kitchen and wind up the
stairs, passing Shelly’s room, where I hear her lightly snoring,
already back into her sad pattern. I stop for a moment, look at her
door, and consider opening it, laying into her for being a coward.
She’s almost dead, the way she lives swallowed up whole in her
room, shutting out reality. She’s settling, and all she gets from
it are those few days of the year where she throws a party, or Jim
buys her something flashy. She’s pretending, but barely
existing.

And so am I.

I finally settle on my door. It’s closed, and
I know Trevor is on the other side—probably still asleep. I lay my
head on the flat panels and run my finger over the handle, knowing
what’s coming next. I’m not going to tell Trevor about Cody, and
I’m not going to tell him about how I feel. And I’ll look at my
cold metal desk, and I’ll continue to pretend that I love that,
too. Because I know Jim knows—I know Jim knows
everything
!

And I know that if I don’t continue to play
the part, he’ll ruin everything else for Cody—and I can’t crush
Cody’s dream. His dream is bigger than me, and I would be selfish
to make him lose everything else that matters to him for me.

Jessie was right—she spun a great tale, and
Trevor believed every bit of it. I slipped into bed after
showering, and we both woke up hours later together. He spent the
rest of the morning doting over me. When I finally insisted that I
felt better, he took me to lunch.

But now that we’re pulling up to Cody’s shop,
I’m wishing I lied and played the patient just a little while
longer. He surprised me with this stop, said he wanted to check in
with Cody on the next steps after we were done with our light lunch
at the diner. I just smiled and nodded, letting him drive me to
what is about to be the worst experience of my entire life.

I can tell Cody’s surprised, too, when we
walk up. He’s wiping his hands on a work towel, approaching Trevor
with caution and looking at me for affirmation. I nod
no
,
and he bunches his brow, a little confused.

“Brother, how’s it going?” Trevor says,
leaning into Cody when he shakes his hand for one of those strange
half-hug things men do.

“Uh, good…I guess?” Cody says, his eyes still
drifting to me. I can’t look at him, so I step back, and try to be
a part of the background.

“Gabe, hey…how’s it going?” Trevor says as he
kneels down to acknowledge Gabe under the car.

“Hey, man! Good to see ya,” Gabe says,
sliding out from underneath on his roller board. He sits up and
pulls his pack of cigarettes out, pounding them until one slides
loose. “I was just going to have a smoke.”

The boys all move to the entrance of the
garage, and I hear them talking and laughing. I can tell Cody’s
laugh is fake, and I can tell he’s trying to find me, understand
what’s happening and where I’m at with the whole
ending it
phase. I take this moment of distraction to slip into the hallway
to the bathroom, and once I’m inside, I lock the door behind
me.

I have tried to cry all morning—ever since
Jim confronted me. But I haven’t been able to. Instead, I just
stutter in my attempt, my stomach contracts, but nothing happens. I
think I’m too stunned that I can’t believe I’m stuck in this
situation. When I close my eyes, I can still feel the sensation of
Cody’s skin, I can see the look in his eyes when he tells me he
loves me, and I can smell him, hear him and taste him.

“Charlie, open up,” I’m brought back
instantly by his whisper. He’s here, just outside the door, and I
feel my heart speed up. I’m not ready. I can’t do this! “Seriously,
hurry. Open up, Trevor’s talking to Gabe.”

I flick the lock on the door, and Cody
quickly slips inside, locking it behind him. His lips find mine the
second the door closes, and he’s pushing me against the sink with
his need and want. It’s only been a few hours, but I’ve missed him
so much. And somewhere, in his kiss, I find my cry.

“Charlie, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Cody
says, inspecting my face, touching me tenderly. He’s killing me,
and I’m dreading what I have to do.

“I’m not leaving Trevor,” I say it quickly,
like pulling off a Band-Aid. They say it doesn’t hurt when it’s
fast, but I feel like I’ve been stabbed, gutted to the core, from
the look on Cody’s face. His eyes are still, and he’s not
breathing. “Cody, I can’t…you don’t understand. But I…I can’t.”

I want to tell him everything, just so he’ll
understand. But I know if Cody knew the entire story, I know if he
knew about Jim and his threats, he’d get himself in trouble. I
reach for him out of instinct, but he rejects me, slapping away my
hand.

“No,” he says. “Just…don’t. God, don’t touch
me.”

He turns to face the door, and I reach out to
him again, but just before I touch him, he punches the door hard,
splintering a panel and knocking it loose from the lock, the door
popping open.

“Cody, don’t…don’t hurt yourself,” I say, the
tears pouring down my face now.

“Hurt myself?” he says, his whisper almost a
shout. “Are you seriously worried about me hurting myself? Fuck,
Charlie—I can’t possibly hurt myself any more than you did just
now. I told you…I said there was no going back for me. I meant it,
Charlie. I fucking love you! Was this all…what? Like, some joke?
Were you just living out some fantasy?”

“No! Cody, no…I love you. So much!” I’m
desperate for him to understand. But there is nothing I can say.
He’s standing there, looking me in the eyes, trying to form his
next words, but nothing comes. “I love you…but I
can’t
leave
Trevor.”

He’s gone—the door now crooked on its hinges
in his wake. My body is quaking, and I’m stuck in this dark
bathroom, hidden only a few feet and a small thin wall away from my
prison. The man I love, probably the only man who will ever live up
to the legacy Mac left behind, hates me—I just made sure of that. I
made him love me, then I crushed him body and soul. I’d be sick if
I could move, but I’m too numb.

“Charlie, you coming?” I hear Trevor’s voice
echo down the hall. I take in my surroundings, the shards of wood,
and the mess Cody left behind, and I know Trevor can’t see any of
this.

“Be right there. Just had to go to the
bathroom,” I yell, taking in a deep breath and forcing myself to
suck my emotions away. I lift the collar of my sweatshirt up to my
eyes, blotting them, and hoping they’re not as red as they feel. I
practice my smile, but every time I try, I feel the sting in my
eyes again.

“Come on, Charlie. Come on. You can do this;
you have to. Mac, please…please help me,” I say to myself. I open
my eyes again, and this time I’m able to hold my face. When I exit
the hallway, Cody is nowhere to be seen, and Gabe is back under the
car. Trevor is pacing in the driveway, on the phone. I look around
to the office and see Jessie, and she’s angry. I know Cody told
her—she probably saw him right after I told him, and I feel sick
that I also let Jessie down. I’m ashamed, but this is the way it
has to be, and Cody can never know.

“Fantastic. Yeah, we’ll see you there!”
Trevor says as he tucks his phone back into his coat pocket.

“Hey, Gabe…whatcha doing tomorrow night?”
Trevor says. I’m still lost in my own thoughts enough to fully
follow him.

“I got nothing. Just me and this Ford
chassis. But she can wait…why, whadaya got going on?” Gabe says,
looking to Jessie to try to get her attention.

“My buddy Kevin just got the suite for the
Browns game. You want in? Free food and drink—you just need to pay
for parking,” Trevor says, and I see Gabe’s face light up.

“Hells yeah, man. That’s fuckin’ awesome!”
Gabe says, looking in Jessie’s direction again while he whispers
“just me?”

“Nah, man. We’re all going. It’s a suite!”
Trevor says, and my mind races forward. All of us—that means
all
of us.

“Hey, Jess. You hear that?” Gabe yells.

“Hear what?” she spits back, not looking up,
and I know it’s because of me.

“We’re going to the Browns game
tomorrow—sitting in the suite!” Gabe hollers, following it up with
a loud hoot.

“Fuck yeah, we are,” Jessie says, her
attention now completely on Gabe and her face full of excitement.
Then she settles on me. “Cody, you hear?”

I freeze, my eyes wide and looking at her,
knowing that she’s trying to make me feel the discomfort—trying to
punish me.

“What?” Cody says, and I can tell he’s only a
few feet behind me. I hear the clank of tools on the table, and I
turn slowly to look at them. I can’t look him in the eye; I
won’t—but I stare at his hands. I notice the word
promise
first, and it feels like I’ve just cut myself, knowing that I broke
mine to him.

“Browns game, in the suite. You in?” Trevor
says, reaching out a hand for a shake. I sneak a glance at Cody,
and his eyes are on me, his face hard and cold. He looks back at
Trevor and curls his mouth into a grin and shakes his hand.

“Sounds good, count me in,” he says, looking
back at me again, his smile not happy, but full of pain and anger.
I want to stop the charade, to pause time and think of a way out of
this. But everyone keeps on moving around me, and the only person
left paying attention to me at the end is Trevor. When he grabs my
hand and kisses it, right over his ring, I feel dead, and I think
this might be how I feel for the rest of my life.

I spent the rest of Saturday hiding in my
room, drawing at my miserable desk. Even my drawings were sad—I
tried new houses, but they all felt lifeless, like no place anyone
would ever want to live. Trevor was busy working, using his dad’s
office to review a contract file. His dad left early in the day for
Chicago—the irony of him running off to be with his secret family
felt like lead in my stomach.

I heard the rumble of Cody’s truck outside
more than once, and each time I ran to the window, hoping he’d see
me and somehow understand. But he always turned the other way.

When I heard Trevor coming up the stairs in
the early evening, I rushed to the bed and turned out the lights,
pretending to have been asleep for hours. I felt him rub my arm,
trying to wake me, to excite me—but I kept up my act, rolling
tighter into my blanket. He kissed my head and called me angel when
he finally gave in, and he left his arm around me for the night. I
let the tears fall without movement, choking on them in my fight to
stay still. I was trapped—in every possible way—and my captor
wasn’t bad. In fact, he was a decent man…a
great
man. But he
wasn’t the one I wanted.

But that didn’t matter.

I can smell the coffee downstairs, and I hear
everyone gathering. Trevor is one of those fanatic type of Browns
fan, the kind that have jerseys, and team flags, and team coolers
for their beer, and I knew he’d want to get to the game early for
tailgating. Somehow, I was going to drag this day out, spread my
torture slowly over thousands of minutes.

By the time I get to the kitchen, everyone is
packed and ready to go. Cody is leaning against the counter, next
to Jessie, and he’s looking purposely away from me. Trevor pulls me
to him and holds out a coat—one of his puffy Cleveland ones. It’s
supposed to be forty degrees today, so I stuff my arms inside,
pulling it over my thick sweater, undershirt, and jeans. My feet
are double socked into my Uggs—I figure if I’m going to burn on the
inside all day, I might as well be warm on the outside as well.

Cody rides with Gabe and Jessie, ignoring
Trevor when he asks if he’d like to come with us. I tell Trevor I
don’t think he heard him, but I know he did. I also know he’s been
drinking. I can smell him from several feet away, and he smells
exactly like the flask I saw him slip into the inside pocket of his
leather jacket.

Trevor puts sports radio on in the
car—countdown to the game. He’s explaining things to me during the
drive, talking about key players being out this week for the
Vikings and quarterback match-ups. Normally, I’m smiling and
nodding because I don’t really understand a word of it, but today
I’m plastering on my false enthusiasm because I’m not even
listening. I’m lost in my head, worried about Cody and what I’ve
done to him—worried about what he’ll do or what he’ll say,
especially now that I’ve smelled him.

I’m thinking about Jessie, too. I finally
made a friend, a real one, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost her by the
look on her face last night and this morning. The drive isn’t long
enough into the city, and we’re pulling into VIP parking two hours
before kick-off. I want to throw up from my anxiety, but I guess
this is my punishment—this is what I get for breaking Cody’s
heart.

The irony—less than 48 hours ago he told me
his punishment was that he gets to love me, but can’t have me, and
now here I am exactly where he thought he was.

“Whhhoooooooaaaaa!” Trevor yells out the
window as we pull up next to the Sumners’ car. Kevin is grilling
some food along with another man I’ve never met. While I usually
stress out having to get to know new people, I’m thankful for this
stranger today—I plan on spending the next two hours getting to
know him.

“Charlotte, what can I cook for you?” Kevin
hollers over a booming radio parked a few trucks away.