Blindness (31 page)

I can barely breathe, and I don’t know where
to begin. I’ve made so many mistakes that I feel like I’ve buried
myself in this life that I no longer want—but the thought of
freeing myself, however tempting, feels much too dangerous.

“Charlie…
talk
to me!” Cody says, his
arms pleading with me at his sides.

“Why are you with her?” I ask, almost too
quickly. It’s the one question—the only question—that’s been on my
mind since the day I found out Cody and Kyla were back
together.

“I don’t want to talk about Kyla, Charlie;
this is about you,” he starts, but I interrupt him.

“No. No it’s not, Cody! This is about Kyla!
Why are you with her? How can you touch her like that? Kiss her
like that? After what she did to you?” I’m crying again, but I keep
my voice strong.

Cody rubs his hands through his hair, moving
it from his eyes, but the water keeps dripping down his face.
“Charlie, I don’t want to talk about Kyla…” he tries again.

“Why are you with her!” I yell again, this
time pounding a fist on his chest. He takes a step back when I do,
which only makes me do it again. “Why, Cody? Why are you with her?
Why do you kiss her…in front of me? How could you?”

He grabs my wrists in both of his hands and
holds me tightly. “Because I can’t have you!” His voice echoes in
the alleyway behind us. “Damn it, Charlie! Because of you! Because
I can’t stand seeing you with Trevor, and every time I do, it
fucking kills me! Because I needed a goddamned distraction, and she
was there. Because my brother is finally talking to me, and he’s
actually a decent guy, and he’s helping me save my dad’s shop. And
you’re
his
! He won—he saw you first, and it fucking kills
me, Charlie!”

My lips are quivering, and all I want to do
is dig my hands into Cody’s arms, run my cheek along the stubble of
his chin, and kiss him.

“Is that what this is about? You want to hear
everything that’s going on inside my head every time I’m near you?
All the shit I can’t say—the shit that makes me bite my tongue
every time I see you?” He’s almost out of breath, but he’s still
holding my wrists, still staring right into me. His voice is hoarse
from the cold, and from yelling at me through the traffic and the
rain.

“I fucking love you, Charlie,” he says, the
words almost a cry. “And I know I’ve never been in love before,
because I would have remembered what this felt like. I love you,
and I think I have since the moment I saw you. And when I see you
with Trevor it feels like a goddamned knife is digging into my
back. I hate myself for not going to the Dean’s party that night.
And this is my punishment. I get to love you, but I can’t fucking
have you,” Cody says, delivering more honesty than I could have
hoped for, more than I was prepared for.

His eyes are red and watering, and his grip
on my arms is loosening. I free my hand and reach up to dash his
tears away, and he leans his face to the side so his lips graze my
arm as it passes. I can feel him tremble—he’s fighting against
himself, just like I have been.

“I love you, too,” I say, my voice soft and
scared. He stops breathing when I speak, and we both stare at one
another, motionless.

“You can’t love me, Charlie,” he says as new
tears fill his eyes and his mouth forms a tight line. He’s fighting
it, refusing to hear me.

“But I do,” I say, biting my lip. I’m not
able to stop the soft smile that creeps in on my lips from saying
the words. I feel a sense of freedom from uttering them out loud,
from saying them—from confessing.

“I can’t…I can’t carry you. I’ll never be
able to lift you over my shoulder, spin you around like Trevor
does,” he says, ashamed of his disability.

“I don’t need you to carry me, Cody. I can
stand on my own. I’m strong, and I can carry myself,” I say, moving
in closer. Cody slides his hands to my waist and is holding them in
place. He’s policing himself, and I can feel his muscles tense
around me from the conflict. The soft tickle of his breathing
against my neck sends a flurry of goosebumps over my entire body.
His breathing is slow and deliberate.

“Kiss me, Cody. Please, just kiss me,” I beg
him. “I choose you. I choose you.”

He closes his eyes as a final tear falls, and
he bends his forehead to mine. His hands slide around me
completely, into the top of my skirt along my waist as he pulls me
closer to him. He slides his right hand up my back, against my
soaking blouse, and to my neck where he wraps his fingers into my
hair and tilts my head back slightly. His lips hover over mine for
a few seconds before he finally gives in, and our mouths are moving
together forcefully.

He tastes like tequila, and his tongue is
warm as it explores the inside of my mouth, urging me even closer
to him. He’s holding my face to his with both hands now and walking
me backward a step at a time until we reach his truck, still
kissing me and tasting and tugging at my lips with his.

“I need you, Charlie. But if I do this,
there’s no going back for me,” he says, his head pressed against
mine, and his eyes closed tightly.

I’m leaning on the passenger door of his
truck now, and he has me caged in between his arms. I reach my
hands to his face and brush the water from his cheeks, running my
fingers through his soft, wet hair. I lean into him as he reaches
around and slides his hand along the bare skin of my upper thigh,
lifting me slightly before he presses my body forcefully against
the truck.

“I’m yours, Cody. I said I choose you, and I
mean it,” I say, fully understanding what that means. My safe and
simple life is gone—I’ve busted that to pieces. Hell, that life was
gone the first time my eyes met Cody’s and everything fell into
place. He’s home for me—and I don’t think I can breathe any longer
without him.

Cody slides me to the side and swings the
passenger door open. He reaches again for my body, wrapping his
arms around me and urging me into the truck with his potent kiss. I
lift myself to the seat and scoot back as Cody climbs in on top of
me, pulling at the buttons of my shirt and sliding the wet silk
from my body, dropping it in a pile on the floor. He kisses my
belly button next, and then grabs the bottom of my shell top with
his teeth, pulling it slowly up my body as well. I help him lift it
completely until my breasts are exposed and being teased by his hot
breath. When he completely covers my nipple with his mouth, I can’t
help but cry out in pleasure, holding his head to me hard.

“I need you, Charlie. But not here, not like
this. I don’t want anyone seeing you,” he says in between kisses
along my breasts and neck. He lifts himself over me more, kissing
my lips once again, leaving them feeling raw.

“Take me home, Cody. Take me to
your
home. I want to be in
your
bed tonight,” I say, knowing if
we don’t stop now, I won’t be able to, and I won’t care who sees
us.

Cody stares at me for several long seconds,
almost like he’s giving me the chance to change my mind, to back
out on him, but I’ve never been more sure of a decision in my
entire life.

Cody reaches behind his seat and pulls his
leather jacket over me before leaning in to kiss me one more time.
“Put this on, and then buckle up. I’m driving fast,” he says, his
smirk almost sinister—and sexy as hell.

I do as Cody says, and he keeps his promise,
getting us home in less than 30 minutes. He keeps his hand on my
knee the entire drive, squeezing my leg and teasing me by running
his fingers up to the edge of my skirt over and over again. I
should be shivering from the rain and the freezing temperatures,
but instead my body is hot, almost breaking out in a thin
sweat.

Cody practically sprints from the driver’s
seat and runs to my side, opening the door for me and pulling me
down into the small space between him and his truck. His jacket is
open along my front, and he slides his hands inside, his thumbs
slowly circling my breasts and barely grazing my nipples—just
enough to leave them fully aroused and to awaken every part of my
body.

“I don’t know if I can wait to get you
upstairs,” Cody says, biting at my bottom lip and running his hands
over my breasts once again, forcing me to arch against him. I lean
my head back, and he sucks along my neck and collarbone. Everything
about what we’re doing is raw and messy—it’s unlike anything I’ve
ever done before.

“Cody, I want to feel you, all of you. Take
me upstairs,” I whisper in his ear, and I can feel him hard against
me, the heat between us growing with every passing second.

Almost like a caveman, Cody threads his
fingers through mine and races up the steps to his carriage house,
dragging me behind him—barefoot, with my breasts exposed in his
open jacket, and my skirt hiked up my legs. Once we’re inside, Cody
slams my body into his front door, and he continues to assault me
with his tongue and lips. I reach for his shirt buttons while he’s
kissing me and work his shirt from his body, letting my hands roam
along the smooth warm skin of his back.

I sneak a look at his tattoos while he’s
tilting my head and kissing my neck. They’re the hottest things
I’ve ever seen, and I don’t know if it’s because they’re on him or
if it’s because I understand what they represent—his promise to
keep his dad’s memory alive. Just letting the thought of Jake in my
mind gives me pause, but Cody quickly has my face cupped in his
hands, and he’s walking me back to his bedroom, pushing his shoes
off along the way. He kicks the door open and pushes me flat
against the bed as soon as we’re inside.

I start to reach up to take his jacket off
and slide from my skirt when he stops me. “No, I want to take my
time,” he says, leaning over me and sliding me all the way up his
bed. Once my head hits his pillow, he pulls my hair out from under
me and brushes the loose strands from my face. “You’re so goddamned
beautiful. I don’t deserve you. But that’s not going to stop
me.”

Cody slides the jacket open and blows slowly
along my collarbone, working his way lower to my breasts. He teases
each one lightly with his tongue, blowing on them until the
sensation has me squirming. Then he slides the jacket the rest of
the way from my arms. I arch my back so he can slide it from under
me, and as I do, he takes one of my nipples in his mouth again and
sucks hard, letting it come to rest in between his teeth.

“Cody, oh my god,” I cry out, and his mouth
is on my lips quickly, his hand reaching for mine, stretching it up
above my head and tethering it between his fingers. He continues to
kiss me for minutes while I take in the feeling of his bare chest
along mine. His skin is on fire, and we’re both starting to sweat
everywhere we touch.

I close my eyes when Cody lifts his body
again, this time leaving a trail of kisses as he lowers himself
down my chest, pausing at the waist of my skirt. I’m thankful for
the small black panties I decided to wear as he pushes his thumbs
into the top of my skirt, sliding it down the length of my legs.
And he spends a long time kissing my stomach and the insides of my
legs, savoring the black lace between us, earning his right to
remove it.

With every kiss and every touch, I come
closer and closer to completely coming undone, and when Cody trails
a finger from one side of my inner thigh to the other, lightly
grazing my most sensitive areas along the way, I whimper with need.
On his next pass, he stops where my panties meet my skin, sliding
his finger underneath the band slowly, teasing me, and then adding
more force as he touches every part of me and works his way inside.
His kisses grow heavier, hungrier, as he feels
all
of me. He
hooks his thumb under one side and slowly works my panties down my
legs until I can kick them off completely.

He stands then to look at me, and I lay there
with my hands reaching for the top of the mattress, above my head.
I’m starting to feel shy and nervous, when Cody finally talks.

“I don’t want you to think it has anything to
do with how you look, right now, right here in my bed, but I just
want you to know, I love you, Charlie,” he says, his eyes serious.
“You have no idea how many nights I’ve dreamt of this. How many
nights I laid here and closed my eyes, pretending, wishing and so
goddamned jealous. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.”

Not able to take it, I sit up and thrust
myself at him, kissing his lips to stop him from denying us any
more time. “Stop it, Cody. Don’t say that,” I say. “You do deserve
me. We deserve each other. I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be
you all along. It was
always
supposed to be you, Cody.”

He bites his lip at my words, and I slide my
hands from around his neck down to his jeans. I unbuckle his belt
first, and then find the button and zipper while I kiss along his
chest, following the trail of his tattoos. I’m a little nervous
when I let his jeans fall and push his underwear down with them.
Trevor’s the only man I’ve ever been with, the only man I’ve ever
seen.
And everything was always comfortable,
easy—ordinary—with him. I’m not sure what to expect with Cody, and
I hope I can measure up to what he’s had before.

I don’t look, but instead gulp loudly, trying
to calm my nerves. I slide my fingertips along his stomach until I
reach lower and find him hard and ready. I don’t look—I can’t—as I
wrap my hand fully around the length of him, touching him softly
and tenderly. His eyes close at my contact, and I give myself a
brief glance—mostly because I’m scared of his size. I can see the
large scar that runs up the length of his thigh, it’s purple and
deep, and I know it hurts. But I don’t want him to think I notice;
I don’t want him to think I care at all about his imperfection.
It’s quite the opposite, really—I think it makes him that much more
perfect.