Blog of a Bully (11 page)

I thanked Hercules for his dedicated help. He also told me that Donald and Tim were the masterminds behind my bike seat incident. I told Hercules I was very impressed but that the game is on. I then asked if he would be able to get a hold of Chuckles, and he said he is spending the night at Donald’s during spring break and would get it then.

I forgot all about spring break. I hate spring break. You will soon see why. The rest of my day was dedicated to more evil planning and backstabbing. Also, after school I tutored the two primitive cavemen.

All will go well with your new project.

Which project—my changing a toad into a prince or my chopping down the Donald tree?

Sunday, March 20th, 2011

10:43 a.m.

Spring Break

As I have said before, I hate spring break. Yes, it’s nice to have a break from school and to get away from all the drama found there, but I still hate spring break. Every spring break, Mom and Dad take off on a cruise and leave Jessica and me at Aunt Edna’s place. Mom and Dad always bring us back a souvenir, but it is not worth the pain of staying with Aunt Edna.

Aunt Edna doesn’t have a computer, cable TV, video games, movies, or board games. What she does have is a ton of puzzles, but they’re not fun puzzles; they are scenic puzzles with big mountains, forests, and junk like that. So the week consists of relying completely on my and Jessica’s imaginations for entertainment. Each day is full of make-believe creatures that attack us when really it’s just a pile of rocks going nowhere. To make things worse, in the evening Aunt Edna’s old friends come over and play a card game called Canasta. Naturally, these other people are old and bitter and don’t like kids, so we are told to stay in our room for the rest of the night.

 

This goes on for a week, and when we are ready to crack and give in to insanity, when we’re ready to take off our socks and grab markers to make sock puppets, when we finally start to enjoy the smell of moth balls, that’s when our parents show up and stop us from entering the Twilight Zone.

Well, we made it through the week, and man, it is nice to be home. I almost forgot how to turn this computer on. My parents had a good week, unlike me. Jessica had a good time at Aunt Edna’s. She always packs her imaginary tea set. As for our souvenirs, Jessica got a hula outfit, complete with a coconut bra. I got fireworks. This made my week of pain worth every minute. My evil mind is thinking of evil things to do. Forgive me a cruel chuckle . . . Hmmmmmmmwwwaaa.

Do not mistake temptation for opportunity.

But aren’t they the same thing? Hmmmmmmmwwwaa

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011

8:28 p.m.

Chuckles

Yesterday on the bus ride to school, Hercules handed me the legendary teddy bear Chuckles. Donald has now slept without the thing for a few nights, and he doesn’t look well. I doubt he has slept or showered, and it’s possible he hasn’t eaten a thing for a few days. I figure I should get this prank over with before Donald goes crazy, so it’s time to turn the legendary Chuckles into the infamous Chuckles.

In the middle of school, I took a bathroom break and didn’t go to the bathroom. Instead, I took a nice walk outside. When no one was in view, I brought down the flag from the school flag pole, and a few seconds later I raised it again. Now everyone can solute not only the stars and stripes but also Chuckles. I went back inside and spread the word to check out the flag pole after school.

At the end of school, everyone went outside and got a good laugh, or should I say chuckle? But the icing on the cake came when Donald realized what was at the top of the pole and started screaming, “CHUCKLES, CHUCKLES!” Within seconds he was climbing the pole to get the bear. The principal was yelling at him to get down, but Donald didn’t stop climbing—or crying—until he had safely returned the bear to the ground. Everyone just laughed and laughed as the poor boy ran home clutching the bear in his arms.

 

I can only imagine that right now he is home snuggling with his teddy, happy to have him home again. What a big baby.

Only love lets us see normal things in an extraordinary way.

Must be true. I don’t know what that bear sees in Donald.

Friday, March 25th, 2011

4:25 p.m.

Another Victory

All of my readers who are tired of reading long entries will be happy to see that this is a short entry. I haven’t seen Donald at all this week. After the incident, I can only assume that he’s on his vacation with that bear.

Now for the news that I am most happy about: I am proud to announce that my pupils are passing all of their classes with Bs. That is so much better than the Ds they were getting before. My little cup of joy is overflowing. A single tear has come to my eye. My babies are all grown up and leaving my tutoring nest. They no longer need to hold mom’s hand to cross the street. Everybody, tonight we dine on cheese and crackers. Please celebrate with me!

A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection.

I will accept the sign and offer cheese and crackers in return.

Monday, March 28th, 2011

6:10 p.m.

Sweet Revenge, Not for Me

School was good. Buzz is becoming quite the gentlemen without my help. Today he noticed a teacher was struggling to get stuff out of her car, and without being told or asked, he ran to her rescue. Later on in the day, Buzz ran into the principal and asked him if it would be OK if Buzz and I organized a school car wash on a weekend to raise money for future school functions. I knew very well he was thinking about the school dance at the end of April. The principal was shocked and gave us permission along with full access to any supplies we need, like a hose and poster board for advertising.

During lunch, Buzz was taking this whole thing serious. He went around with a clipboard asking kids if they could show up to help with the car wash. He wanted to know what day and time they would dedicate their efforts to helping the school. Angela said she could spend a whole day out there with us, but I have the feeling that her parents will find something else for her to do.

When school ended, the freak show began. I went to get my bike and saw that it had been egged! I have never seen an egg job like this before. My bike was soaking with egg whites and yokes. Taking a closer look, I realized that it was even hit with hard-boiled eggs. But that wasn’t the worst of it. There were scrambled eggs, poached eggs, eggs Benedict, green eggs and ham, scrambled eggs with onions, and egg salad. Omelets had been thrown through the spokes, and to top things off, my favorite—a sunny-side-up egg—was waiting for me on my seat. So, not only was my bike egged, but someone had taken the time to cook the eggs with seasoning and everything. I didn’t know if I should be mad or if I should ask someone to pass the salt. I know one thing is for sure: I am not going to sit on that sunny-side-up egg.

 

I walked my bike home. I don’t know what to think about all this. The culprit has such an amazing, unique style of pulling pranks that I don’t even want to fight back. I want to see what else he will do because it’s fascinating. But the person did egg my bike, and he shouldn’t get away with that. I have to do something. It’s a pride thing that all guys have in them from birth. Give me your suggestions; I am dying to hear them.

You find beauty in ordinary things; do not lose this ability.

I’m sorry, cookie, but you are wrong. There is nothing ordinary about a bike getting egged with cooked and seasoned food.

Sunday, April 3rd, 2011

11:47 a.m.

Car Wash

Last time I wrote was Friday night. After typing my entry, I watched a little TV and then went to bed. Well, around two in the morning, I was woken up by Jacob, who was standing right above me, dripping cold water on my head. How did he get in the house? I got up, and we went outside, where Buzz was waiting for us. Buzz was excited about the car wash that we organized to have in another eight hours. I would have liked my sleep, but Buzz wanted customers. I told him it was two in the morning and we couldn’t get customers until they’d woken up.

Come to find out, Buzz knows how to get many customers. Early in the morning Buzz, Jacob, and I went down the street, writing on cars with washable markers. We wrote things like, “I’m dirty, take me to the free school car wash at 10 a.m. P.S. Bring money for a donation.” I was worried this would bring in customers but that they would be angry. After all, writing things on cars is never a good idea if the owner doesn’t know about it. But we justified our actions by saying to ourselves that was for a good cause.