Blogger Girl (22 page)

“Great!” Jonathan said brightly.

“I would love to see her happy.”

“Yeah, she’s a great girl,” Jonathan agreed.

Trying to convey my approval without being specific, I said, “I would love to see her happy with the right guy.” I paused for an extra beat. “No matter who he is.”

“Got it,” Jonathan said. “And, Kim?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

I smiled. I could have had a career in politics.

By the time we got off of the phone, it was 5:45. Wanting to leave before yet another person called me, I dialed Rob’s extension.

Picking up after one ring, he said, “Hey.” I could tell he had me on speaker phone.

“Calling to let you know I’m leaving for the night.” I began logging out of my computer.

“Okay. Have a good one.”

“You too,” I said. I placed the phone back on the receiver and stood up to grab my jacket as Nicholas walked out of Rob’s office.

“Glad I caught you,” he said with a lazy grin.

I looked at him longingly. “I’m glad too. Don’t work too hard tonight.” I looked down at my toes and back at him. “Not sure why I always say that. Of course, you’ll work too hard!”

Nicholas leaned over my desk so he was closer to where I was still standing on the other side. “What are you doing later?” he asked in a soft voice.

“The plan is to go to the gym and run some errands.” I glanced at my watch. “Was hoping to get out of here early so I’d have more time.”

“I won’t keep you. Just wondered if you might want some company later. I can come by after work. It will be too late for an actual date, but I’d like to see you anyway.”

Laughing at him, I said, “You mean for a booty call?”

Nicholas brushed his hand gently across my cheek and nodded. “If you’re good, I’ll throw in a little conversation too. Tell you all about my day in the office.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Is that supposed to be incentive to be ‘good’? And besides, I thought I was always good.”

Winking at me, he said, “You are.”

“Okay, but it depends on how late you work. I’m not waiting up for you to come by at 2 a.m.”

Nicholas shook his head. “It should be closer to 11. Midnight at the latest. Otherwise, I’ll go straight home.”

“That should work.” After a quick check to my left and right to make sure no one was watching, I gave Nicholas a soft peck on the lips, smiled and said, “See you later.”

On my way home, I stopped at Fairway to restock my refrigerator and then to the gym for a combination spin and Pilates class. After my shower, I luxuriated in the bathtub with a glass of wine. And then I put on the new pink teddy I had picked up at Victoria’s Secret and a long fuzzy pale blue robe. I lost myself in the second half of
Cut on the Bias
without interruption until I received a text from Nicholas shortly before 11. “Finished for the night! Still up for company?”

I put the book down on my coffee table and texted back, “Who did you have in mind?”

“It’s a bit early in the relationship to resort to fantasy, but I can be anyone you want. Spider Man, maybe?”

“Superheroes are super sexy. Come on over!”

When my bell rang about twenty minutes later, I wrapped my robe tightly around my waist and buzzed him in.

When I opened the door, he gave me a huge smile and then eyed me from head to toe. “You look comfy.”

“You think?” I stuck my head into the hallway and looked both ways. After I made sure no one was there, I untied my robe and opened it very slowly. Nicholas didn’t say anything as he stared down the length of my body. I stood on my tippy toes and nuzzled his neck while his hands found their way inside my robe and began caressing my lower back. I pulled away and never removing my eyes from his, reached up to let the robe fall over my shoulders and to the ground at my feet.

He smiled and without a word grabbed my hand and walked inside my apartment, kicking the door behind him. “I must have you now.”

And he did. We didn’t even make it to my bed less than ten feet away.

Later that night, I couldn’t sleep. I looked over at Nicholas who was sleeping soundly with his head on the edge of my over-sized pillow. I had to know how it ended.

I slid out of the bed, grabbed the book from my coffee table and stretched the length of my couch. By the time I reached the bio section at the end and tossed the book on the floor, I could see the sun starting to rise. I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes and crawled back into bed. Nicholas was still sleeping and I wrapped my body around his. He shuddered and abruptly sat up. “What’s wrong?” He looked around the room as if trying to orient himself with his surroundings. “What happened?”

I mumbled, “Nothing” and pushed him back on the bed, burying my face in his chest. I let my fingers rest on the soft dark hair on his flat stomach.

“Did you have a bad dream?”

I shook my head. “I wish it was a dream. It’s certainly a nightmare.”

Nicholas lifted me off of him and placed his hands on my shoulders forcing me to look at him. “What’s going on? Why are you crying?”

“I’m crying over Hannah’s book! Partly because the ending gave me the warm and fuzzies and I always cry over happy endings. But also because…”

Nicholas looked at me with concern and urged me to continue. “Because of what?” he said, wiping a tear from my eye.

“But also because…” I lowered my chin to my chest. “Because it was really good. The book. It was really, really good, Nicholas.”

Nicholas frowned. “I’m sorry, Kimmie. I know you were hoping the book would suck so you wouldn’t have to write a positive review.”

I nodded, feeling my lips tremble.

“But it’s not the worst thing in the world,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Easy for you to say,” I muttered.

Nicholas let out a deep exhale. “No. It’s not ‘easy for me to say.’ I know how hard this has been for you. I know you really don’t like the chick. And, yeah, it sucks that the bitch from high school, who you hate, is a good writer. But maybe you should acknowledge the real reason it upsets you so much.”

I cocked my head to the side. “What do you mean by that?”

Nicholas looked me directly in the eyes. “I don’t think you’re this upset simply because Hannah the Bitch wrote a good book.” He paused for a beat. “I think you’re upset because Hannah wrote a book and you didn’t. Period.”

I gasped. “What?”

“I’m sorry Kimmie, but I think it’s time you admitted to yourself that you want to be a writer. Like Hannah.”

Feeling my eyes water, I asked, “Why would you say something like that?”

Frowning at me, Nicholas said. “Because it’s true, Kimmie. Maybe you have your friends fooled but you can’t fool me. I’ve seen the way you react when the subject of Hannah’s book comes up. It’s way too strong a reaction for someone who just didn’t like the chick in high school. You’re jealous.”

I took a sharp intake of breath. It was true I had strong feelings for Hannah but jealousy was
not
one of them. My heart pounding, I asked, “I can’t believe you would say that to me.”

Nicholas shrugged. “Someone had to.”

I recalled with annoyance the numerous times Nicholas had asked me about writing a book. “Why do you care so much if I write?”

Nicholas’ eyebrows squished together. “What do you mean?”

“You even bought me a stupid journal!”

Nicholas jerked his head back. “It was a gift, Kim. I was trying to be supportive.”

“Like you were being supportive at dinner with your friends when you totally inflated my role as a secretary? I hate to break it to you, but I’m a secretary. I’m not the anchor of any team.”

“I meant it as a compliment,” Nicholas said softly.

“It was condescending. I don’t know who is worse, you or Daneen. At least she’s blatant about it, but you seem embarrassed by it. Embarrassed by me.”

Nicholas’ eyes opened wide. “What?”

“Because I’m just a secretary. At least my popular blog makes me a little bit more important, right?”

Nicholas buried his head in his hands.

My pulse speeding, I continued, “That’s why you care so much, isn’t it? If I was an actual writer, maybe I’d be good enough for you. Someone you would take seriously.“

“Whoa! Who said I didn’t take you seriously?” Nicholas said, pushing the blankets away and standing up.

I shrugged. “You’re a big-time lawyer. I’m sure you’d prefer to date someone at your professional level. Like Mary!”

Nicholas looked at me with his eyes bugging out. “Mary? What are you talking about?” He stepped into his pants, which had been tossed at the side of my bed. “Let me ask you something. Why would you want to be with someone you think so little of?”

The tears stung my eyes but I refused to brush them away. “What?”

His face now flushed with anger, he said, “If you think I’m such a fucking snob, why am I here?” He walked over to my doorway, grabbed the briefcase he had dropped next to my robe and turned around to face me. “Kim. The truth is it makes no difference to me what you do for a living as long as you’re passionate about it. I wouldn’t care if you were a garbage collector if you loved the job or if it made you happy. But for you to say you’re passionate about being a legal secretary is a joke. I’ve watched you at work, Kim. It’s a good job and you do it well, but you’re bored out of your mind! You put more enthusiasm into tweeting about your blog than anything you do for Rob and you have zero motivation to change it.”

Unwilling to relent my position, I followed him to the door. “All the compliments about my communication skills and my being the anchor of the team? Bunch of bullshit to make you feel better about dating a measly secretary, right? In fact, you barely spoke to me until Rob told you about my blog.”

Nicholas shook his head at me in disbelief. “If anyone in this room is embarrassed about what you do for a living, it’s you, not me. I had a crush on you since your very first day, before I knew anything about your stupid blog. The blog just gave me a good opening.” Nicholas’ hand was on the doorknob but he turned to face me one last time. His facial expression had turned from angry to sad. “Truth is I did take you seriously, Kim. I wanted you to be happy and was trying to give you a push in the right direction. I actually thought I might be falling for you. But now I see that you’re complacent and that’s not what I’m looking for.” Shaking his head, he said, “I would say that maybe I’d give Hannah a call after all since, unlike you, she’s not afraid to take risks. But that would just be cruel, wouldn’t it?” With that, he turned the doorknob and walked out, letting the door slam behind him.

After he left, I stared at my front door as if waiting for him to walk back in. Too stunned to react to what had just happened, I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

WHEN I WOKE UP FOR WORK,
over a half hour late, my eyes felt swollen as if I’d bathed in a tub of pollen. I showered, replaying in horror the events of the night before, from crying over the ending of Hannah’s book, to confiding my devastation to Nicholas, to accusing him of being ashamed of me. I recoiled at the memory and turned up the temperature of the water, hoping to burn the memory to ashes. But when I opened my eyes, I could still see the astonished look in Nicholas’ eyes.
And the anger.
There was a part of me that wanted to apologize. Nicholas had looked sincerely shocked by my accusations and maybe I
had
gotten carried away as a result of finishing Hannah’s book. But I couldn’t erase the way Nicholas’ claim that I was jealous of Hannah made me feel. And he had definitely gone too far by threatening to give her a call.

When I got to work, I walked directly over to Rob’s office. “Sorry I’m late.”

Rob looked up from his computer with a furrowed brow, “Not a problem. Everything okay?”

I wanted so badly to tell him the truth, that no, everything was not okay. He’d probably tell me to shut his door, sit down and confide in him. And if Nicholas had been some random guy I was dating, I might have been tempted. But Nicholas was Rob’s star associate and in Rob’s world, work always trumped romance and so I responded, “Everything’s fine. Thanks.” and returned to my desk.

I tried to concentrate on work but each time I heard someone walk by, I wondered if it was Nicholas and looked up frantically. I picked up the phone, dialed the first two numbers of his extension and hung up.
Twice.
I buried my face in my hands, contemplating my options and finally stood up and walked over to his office even though I had no idea what I was going to say. As I raised my hand to knock on his closed door, I heard him laugh. I figured he was on the phone and started to walk away when I heard a female voice coming from his office. I bent my ear towards the door and tried to make out who he was with when suddenly I heard the scuffling of feet. I backed away from his door as quickly as I could and ducked into the empty office next to his. I held my breath as Nicholas and Daneen walked down the hallway, still laughing. I had expected Nicholas to share my anxiety over our fight but he walked lightly on his feet next to Daneen as if entirely unfettered. I waited until they turned the corner, followed them back in the direction of Rob’s office and sat down at my desk.

I pretended to do some work, absently responded to comments on my blog and scanned the same paragraph from a new book on my review schedule at least three times. All the while, I tried to keep one ear on the conversation taking place in Rob’s office. I couldn’t get my heart rate to slow down knowing that Nicholas would have to walk past me at some point. I went through the different scenarios in my head. Maybe he would approach my desk, look at me with concern, and ask if I was okay. Or maybe he would give me a stern look and say we needed to talk. Or maybe, before he had the chance to say anything, I would catch his eye, give him a sheepish glance and ask if we could just let it go.

As it stood, I heard a shuffle of feet and looked up as a shadow passed my desk so quickly and without any acknowledgement of my presence in the room that it took several seconds of gaping with my mouth opened to reconcile that the shadow and Nicholas were one and the same.