Blood of the Pure (Gaea) (24 page)

We fed the squirrels that unceremoniously climbed on Michael’s hands, making those who passed us smile in admiration. Then we sat on the grass, under a tree, and talked about trivial and common things. I told him a lot about by childhood and about my parents. Michael seemed particularly interested in my family history and I painfully understood the light that touched his eyes every time I told him about a Christmas night or birthday. Those were all memories he didn’t have.

Michael told me about how Father Jorge helped him during his recovery, at the hospital, and how he’d became his guardian after endless searches had turned out nothing.

“It’s like if, somehow, I didn’t exist before the accident,” he told me following the path of a cloud. “There’s nothing left of who I was. Now I’m someone entirely new. But either way, it’s fine. I don’t care about any of that anymore. All I want is for things to stay as they are. I hope the past that I so looked for never catches up with me. I like my life here, now,” he added, his voice almost a whisper, and he raised a hand to touch my face. His fingers caressed my cheeks softly, and I forgot how to breathe when he leaned over me. In panic and in complete ecstasy, I knew what was about to happen. He was going to kiss me! And I couldn’t allow it. I commanded my mind to be stronger than my heart and clenched my teeth hard, strengthening my decision.

However, without quite understanding what had happened, Michael suddenly pulled back, his hand quickly releasing me as if he’d been burnt, and I noticed his pained expression as he clenched his chest. Frightened, not knowing what to do, I held him by his shoulders when he bent forward, gasping for air.

“Michael! What’s wrong? Are you OK? Are you in pain?” I asked in one breath, trying to keep him straight, and he smiled weakly.

“It’s ... nothing,” he answered between heavy breaths as he seemed to slowly recover, but still I wasn’t convinced.

“How come it’s nothing? We better get you to a doctor!” I decided and he straightened his back to take a deep breath, even though he was still clutching his sweater over his chest.

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry. See? I’m fine,” he assured me with a new smile and I made a face. “Besides, I hate doctors and hospitals.”

I observed him apprehensively. True, he looked better. But still, he’d felt a chest pain, right? And that was usually dangerous.

“You sure?”

“Absolutely!” he reaffirmed. “I’m sorry if I scared you.” He answered in that soft tone that I’d already found out I was unable to resist, and I took a deep breath, completely defeated. “Aren’t you hungry? Let’s go get something to eat.”

I chose ice cream for our early dinner, which would perfectly agree with our late breakfast, and rejoiced in the feeling of, once more, having shocked him with my proposal. We ended up sitting in an ice cream shop where I chose the biggest dish there was; one with four flavors, fruits, little pieces of cookies and nuts dipped in honey. When my enormous order arrived, Michael looked even more surprised by its impressive size, and I laughed once again. It felt good inverting places and being me to have fun at his expenses.

“Are you really going to eat all of that?” he asked in disbelief and I nodded with all conviction.

“I eat a lot.”

“Ah, I see,” he muttered, still looking at my bowl at least twice the size of his. “And to think you’re so little.” He was clearly teasing me as I filled my mouth with ice cream.

“That’s exactly why I eat a lot. To see if I can grow a little sideways, since up is rather improbable at this stage. Want a bite?” I offered and he picked his spoon, stealing a bit of pink and green ice cream.

“Really don’t see why you have to worry about that. Not bad. Here. Try mine.”

I didn’t hesitate to take my revenge on his bowl.

“You can’t see it ’cause you’re a guy. Tastes good, but I like my pistachio better.”

“What difference does it make if I’m a guy or not? Aesthetics are aesthetics,” he insisted. “And as far as I’m concerned, you’re fine the way you are. Besides, don’t you feel guilty wishing the opposite of all the other girls? I mean, most girls want to be slim and you want to gain weight?” He was clearly amused.

“Enough of this!” I grumbled. What girl could easily discuss such embarrassing things, like diets, with the guy she liked? When I noticed it, he’d already stolen another spoon from my ice cream. “Hey!” I protested but was completely ignored.

“I like the lemon one.”

“Stealing is bad!” I scolded him and he bit his spoon.

“Someone needs to help you eat all that. It will end up melting.”

“Thanks, but no thanks!” I retorted and devoted myself to eating my ice cream before he could use that excuse to rob me again.

When we finished with our ice creams it was already getting dark outside, and the thought that our day together was almost over made me feel depressed. Soon I’d have to say goodbye to Michael and return home to face the reality of my chaotic life.

As if he’d read my thoughts, Michael took me to a bookshop. We spent more than two hours surrounded by titles and synopses, and ended up buying one book each, promising to exchange them as soon as we’ve read them.

It was nearly eight o’clock when we went down to the subway and time began counting down.

In my selfishness I held his hand once more, looking for the comfort of his touch, aware that I’d been avoiding him all afternoon. He seemed like he didn’t even notice it, gently squeezing my hand back.

“Mari, why won’t you spend tonight with us again?” he asked me softly and all I wanted was to say yes. One more night surrounded by peace and quiet, safe in his embrace. One more night near Michael, near the one my heart had chosen. How could I not want it?

I lowered my head and took a deep breath. I’d already decided to stop running from my problems. What was the use? He’d remain there, waiting for me, and the symbol of our Contract would still be marked on my skin. Besides, I could feel Michael’s emotions wavering, even though he’d probably not noticed himself, like Steph had guessed. I didn’t want to … I couldn’t lead him on, not yet, not before preparing myself for what would inevitably follow.

“Thanks,” I answered and the tight knot around my throat made me smile so I’d be able to deceive him. “But I really have to go back. There are things I have to take care of, and I have Lea to feed. Besides, all my school things are there. I just can’t spend another night out.” His hand squeezed mine again.

“We could stop by your house, you’ll get what you need, and come with me,” he suggested and I knew my arguments hadn’t been strong enough to convince him.

“Really, Michael. Everything’s fine. What happened before, I was just being stupid. I’d just had a nightmare and then ... Gabriel looked so angry, and the way he spoke to me, I got scared. I guess I can be too childish sometimes. That’s all.” He looked like he hadn’t believed one single word I’d said. “It’s my home. It’s not like I can move indefinitely to yours,” I added forcing myself to laugh.

“No, really?” he asked me with such a serious expression that my smile withered away immediately. He wasn’t joking.

“No,” I answered, trying to sound as serious as he’d sound, and he sighed.

“Fine, then. But this time I’m taking you home,” He decided so vehemently that I didn’t try to dissuade him. “And you’re keeping my number. If anything happens, if you need anything, you call me immediately. Agreed?” I nodded obediently, smiling even though he looked unusually serious. I didn’t want to be one more weight in his life. “Promise me!

“I promise,” I replied and he seemed content.

We spent the rest of the ride mostly in silence, but the absence of words between us wasn’t awkward at all. I only noticed how close we were from my home when we passed the school’s bus stop. We got off on the next stop and walked hand in hand through the dark and, at that hour, almost deserted streets. Our footsteps were the only things we could hear and I couldn’t help feel sad when we finally turned to my street.

We stopped in front of my door and I smiled awkwardly, trying not to face him.

“This is it,” I stated and he looked at the building behind me for a moment.

“It’s close. I could probably walk from my house here.”

“I walk to school every day. But your house is a bit farther.”

“True,” he agreed and we were left in silence. Although I knew I had to say goodbye, I couldn’t quite figure out how to do it. My hand was still in his and I decided to start from there.

“Well, I better get going,” I said, pulling my hand away, and he released me reluctantly.

“Mari. You’re sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine. See you tomorrow?”

“Sure. The goody-goody me can’t cut classes two days in a row,” he said, joking, and I laughed while looking for my key.

“Till tomorrow, then. And thanks for everything. It was really fun.” We stood there in another awkward moment until I decided the best thing to do was go in as quickly as possible, before I could regret my decision and accept his tempting invitation.

However, as soon as I turned my back on him he held my arm, his hand surrounding it completely, and pulled me backwards against his chest. My heart jumped as a heat wave flooded my body, leaving my mind completely blank. I felt, as he took a deep breath, his chest slowly rising, and I tried to make sense of what had just happened.

“Thank you ... for everything,” he whispered softly and my cheeks caught on fire. I was the one who should be thankful! His lips touched the top of my head in a gentle kiss that warmed my entire body, and his arms released me so that my puzzled look could see his wonderful smile. “See you tomorrow.”

I nodded, still half stunned, and when his hands released me, I turned towards my front door, unsure if I still knew how to walk. I missed the keyhole twice before I could open it, and turned back to look at him one last time. He smiled, waving, his golden hair shining palely under the street lamp’s light, and I went in, closing the door behind me. I stood there for a moment, unsure if I was really myself, if that was really my body, or if that was really my life, and took a hand to my head to where he’d kissed me and where I could still feel his warm touch.

I looked around. I was home. And that thought dragged me away from my golden dream.

And Gabriel? Was he home as well?

I silently walked towards the living room and took a peek inside. No one. I went on towards the kitchen. Everything remained as I’d left it. It almost seemed like no one had lived there since last Tuesday.

I took a deep breath and went up to my room, looking for Lea. I called him and looked for him in every room, but the small kitten had also disappeared. I was completely alone.

I dropped my things and the book I’d bought on the desk, and fell on my bed.

Coldly reviewing what had happened, I couldn’t deny that I’d done everything humanly possible to boycott our Contract. Not that my feelings had changed, but how could I think, much less accept, having to fulfill my part? My wish might as well never come true! But, on the other hand, that would mean that Gabriel would never leave. Would he end up giving up? How could I expect to live my life if he were to always stay beside me?

I hid my face between my hands and took a deep breath trying not to despair. I couldn’t start worrying about things so far in the future. It was useless! For all I knew, he could change his mind tomorrow and decide to kill me instead. If he did so, he’d get rid of that Contract and could look for another Human to torment. He’d told me I was special, but surely I wasn’t the only special person in the entire world. Not to mention that I was yet to understand what could possibly be so special about me.

So, all I could do was focus my mind on tomorrow, one day at a time. And, as far as tomorrow was concerned, I had to keep my distance from Michael, no matter how much my heart was opposed to it. I decided I wouldn’t look for him during lunch break.

I felt my throat tighten and thought I’d end up crying, but the tears never came. Sadly, I recalled Michael’s words. The ‘see you tomorrow’ we’d exchanged would never happen. Not tomorrow, nor the day after. Friday and Monday were holidays, which meant five days without Michael. I felt as if there wasn’t enough air to breathe and my heart assured me that I couldn’t possibly survive. Stubbornly, I paid him no attention and commanded my mind to hurry up and fall asleep.

Chapter Nine

LIN

– The 49-fold Table - First appearance of the Crowned and Conquering Child

to the Exempt Adept as in the Pastos.

The Vision of the Rose, the Heart of Babalon and of The Birth of the Universe.
1
–

“Amazingly I survive, even surrounded by darkness.

I thought it would be impossible to resist, and yet I wake up day after day.

My eyes grow accustomed to the shadows and, because now I can see better,

I understand that in my Human selfishness, I only listened to my reason,

fearing the unknown right from the start...”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

woke up the same way I’d fallen asleep: alone in an empty house.

Half afraid, I went once more over the whole house, but there was no one else. I worried about Lea, if he’d run away in search of food. If Gabriel wasn’t coming home, maybe the kitten had gotten hungry and went away in search of someone to feed him. I felt sad when I thought he might never come back. Lea had become my only company and, in a way, my only confidant. After all, who could I pour out my thoughts to when my head was filled with demoniac problems?

On the other hand, the fact that Gabriel wasn’t at home made me feel relieved. I still didn’t know how to face him. Of all that had happened, his reaction had been the only thing I still couldn’t understand.

I recalled one of our brief conversations and took a deep breath. Even if I’d managed to gather enough courage to talk to him, it would almost surely be in vain. His rules about questions held that answers were only needed when the outcome could be changed. Which meant that if there were nothing I could do about it, he wouldn’t dignify me with an explanation. And it was obvious there was nothing I could do to avoid his anger.

I got dressed as fast as I could and swallowed a yogurt before leaving for school. He wasn’t home, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t simply show up, literally out of nowhere. If that were to happen, I wanted to be as far away as possible. Somewhere in my mind a little voice kept insisting that it would be safer to face him surrounded by other Human Beings.

I arrived at school fifteen minutes earlier and the classroom was still empty. I looked at my chair and squeezed my hands together, trying to determine what would be worse — sitting at my desk when he arrived or arriving after him. I chose the last. At least if I got in the room after him, we’d have four rows of chairs and desks between us.

I ran back to the corridor and hid in the only place I felt safe, the girls’ bathroom.

I anxiously waited for the first bell and, when I returned to the world of the living, the school was packed with people.

I couldn’t help feeling nervous as I walked towards the classroom and, before going in, took a peek inside. And there he was, in the back of the room, but he wasn’t alone. Which would be rather normal, since there were always people around his desk. But this time I couldn’t help feel surprised and worried about the company he kept. Steph was standing next to him and, by her expression, it looked like a serious talk.

I walked to my place, unable to look away from them. He looked calm, his face cold and expressionless like stone, although he was clearly paying attention to what she said. Steph seemed worked up. It was rare seeing her at school so early in the morning, but even more unusual to see that grave expression on her face.

I pulled up my chair, still watching them, and someone sighed right next to me.

“You’ve noticed it, too, hmm?” I looked up and gave her a smile.

“Morning. What’s going on?” I asked and Joanne sighed again.

“Don’t know, but nothing good, that’s for sure,” she answered and I couldn’t push away the bad feeling that swept over me. What had happened?

“Did they get into fight?” I asked, half afraid, even though I knew better. Him getting angry would most certainly mean the end of someone’s life. I’d learned that all too well, last Tuesday, when Steven had almost died.

“Don’t know. All I know is that Tuesday, after school, we were all worrying about you, since you disappeared and didn’t come to class. He came to us and told us you weren’t feeling well, and that you’d gone home earlier. He assured us it wasn’t anything serious and we went our ways. We were near the bus stop when Steph remembered she still had your things and decided to come back, to give them to your cousin. And yesterday, well, you missed class, but so did she ... and him. I thought you had gotten worse or something, and that Gabriel had to stay home to look after you, but when I called no one picked up. The same happened when I tried to call Steph. And today they were already downstairs, talking, when I arrived. They came up together and it’s been like that.” She concluded with a hint of irony and I peered towards them. Now he was speaking and Steph listening with a hard, contained expression.

“I ...” I tried to come up with an excuse, but Joanne raised her hand, turning towards the board, clearly angry.

“Please! Don’t even try,” she cut me off dryly. “You may as well answer as she did. That it is none of my business!”

I gaped in shock. I could hardly believe Steph had told her something like that.

The teacher came in a little before the second bell and Steph returned to her seat, beside mine. I watched her for a moment trying to figure out what to say, and decided to act like nothing had happened.

“Morning.” I greeted her with my best smile, but her answer was short and dry.

“Morning.” She didn’t even turn to look at me.

“Steph, is everything ok?” I asked, fearing her answer, and she took out her notebook, placing it on the desk.

“Fine. And you? Feeling better?” she asked me in the same tone, turning the pages, and my heart sank. Something had happened, something very serious.

“Yes,” I replied, knowing she didn’t care either way.

It was the quietest English class I’d ever attended. Joanne was obviously hurt by Steph, to the point that she was now pretending Stephanie didn’t exist. And, even though I didn’t see a reason why, Steph seemed to be mad at me, her answers to my everyday questions all hard and dry. Worrying about her, I couldn’t help notice that she talked like that to everyone, classmates and teacher alike. And, when the bell sounded once again, she stood up and went back to Gabriel’s desk, as if their talk had been cut off.

I felt as if my brain was about to melt. First Michael, and now this!

After that, during English Literature there was no chance for talks, and so I spent my two hours in class trying to figure out what could have happened. She’d missed school on Wednesday, like me, like him. So it had to be him, I decided. He’d done something to her and I was going to find out what!

When class was over I had already made up my mind and readied my Soul for the shock that would come from having to walk up to him and request a conversation. Joanne gathered her stuff quickly and stormed out of the room, avoiding having to look either one of us in the face. Steph took her time, looking surprisingly calm, and then went to his desk. I followed her with my gaze and was surprised to see that he was waiting for her. I hugged my books tighter and followed her steps, shortening the distance between us. Still, I couldn’t help hesitating when he raised his gaze to look at me, but there was nothing left from the furious anger that had burnt in his eyes two days ago. Just to be sure, I kept a safe distance and swallowed dry before speaking, making sure my voice wouldn’t falter.

“I ... need to have a word with you,” I stated, but it wasn’t him who answered.

“I’m sorry.” I turned my gaze towards Steph and she took a step to stand beside him, locking her arm with his. “But Gabriel and I have plans,” she stated with an unmistakable superior tone and I felt once more as if I’d just crossed some mysterious portal to another dimension. I looked at him in disbelief, but he remained calm and indifferent. “Excuse us,” Steph said again, pulling him by the arm, and he followed her, keeping up with her pace without looking back even once.

I stood there, unable to react, confused. What was going on? How was this possible? I’d missed school for one day and the whole world had changed without me even noticing it! I realized I was alone, as I’d been last night at home, and the feeling of loss that came over me caught me by surprise, leaving me breathless.

I raised my head and took a deep breath. I couldn’t allow myself to be defeated by my own feelings. I had to remain calm to think clearly. Above all, I had to talk with him and make him tell me what had happened. But, right there and then, I had to go home!

I left the classroom as fast as my feet would allow me, fearing that Michael might be looking for me. It took all of my strength not to give into temptation and go to him, even if only to look at him from afar as I usually did. My heart kept insisting that leaving without seeing him at least once was the worst mistake of my life; that if I went to him all that mess would become miraculously less complicated, since near him all dark shadows lost their strength. However, I made myself keep my own decision and, ignoring my pained heart, went back home.

I closed the door knowing he wouldn’t be in. I was alone and suddenly the house seemed bigger and somehow scarier. I felt small and insignificant, and wished I could call Paris just to hear my mom’s voice. But I could hardly justify my sudden phone call and so I chose to go up to my room instead.

Remain calm, I reminded myself. Think coldly about all that had happened.

The way Steph had talked, her posture and the way she’d grabbed his arm, it looked like he belonged to her. But how could that be? She had Mark, right? And he, he’d what? Went out with her? Why? What for? To torture me? Maybe he noticed I’d decided to keep my distance from Michael. Maybe this was his way of showing me all I had to lose from trying to the delay the fulfillment of our Contract. Was that it? And what if she’d somehow found out the truth? Last Tuesday he’d almost killed someone. I’d never seen him so upset. Maybe he’d done something weird and she had seen him. Was that what they’d secretly spent the day talking about?

Either way, one thing was sure; he was both the reason and the solution for that problem. And it looked like trying to talk with Steph about it wasn’t going to be of much use. If she already knew what he was, it was obvious she decided to accept it. If she didn’t, I had no way to try and convince her to keep away from him.

I took a deep breath, feeling a bit better. Still, all that musing had stolen my appetite, which was as good, since it meant I didn’t have to think about what to cook for lunch. I chose to take a bath instead, hoping that the hot water would grant me some measure of mental peacefulness, silencing, even if only for a few minutes, the torrent of thought that burnt in my brain.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub and closed the drain, opening the tap. It had been a long time since I’d allowed myself the luxury of soaking in a tub filled with hot water.

When the tub was finally filled, with steam swirling all around me, I took my clothes off and got in slowly, allowing my skin to get use to the heat. It took me a few minutes to be able to dive my head under water, and I was finally able to relax, surrounded by that soft warmth that almost allowed me to forget that that body actually belonged to me. I felt even better when the water spread through my hair, filling my ears as if I’d just stepped into another world, silence surrounding me, all the other sounds indistinct and distant. I came back to the surface when my lungs started complaining from lack of air and took a deep breath. I kept as quiet as possible, trying to erase all the other noises and centered my attention on the heat around me, allowing my body to slightly float.