Blood of the Pure (Gaea) (39 page)

I stopped abruptly by the door, my uneven breath filling the room, and only then was able to question my poor judgment. What in hell was I doing? But there he was, standing with his back towards me, his dark, silky hair falling like black shiny water below his waist line. He slightly raised his head and, in slow movements, turned to look at me over his shoulder. His violet eyes, still glowing with that red, menacing light, made my whole body tremble, and I squeezed my hands together trying to get a grip on myself.

Lea pushed me and squeezed his body between me and the door, tripping forward and immediately freezing in place, right in front of me. I saw him look up at Gabriel and knew that even he felt unsure about how to proceed.

Gabriel took a deep breath, as if the apprehension in that child’s face had somehow alerted him to how truly menacing he looked, and when he opened his eyes again, the red glow was gone. All that was left was the cold, sad violet that immediately regained Lea’s smile and trust.

“Master! Welcome back!” he hollered, happily skipping across the room towards him. Gabriel turned to look at him and placed a pale hand over his head.

“Thank you, Lea,” he answered in a low voice and, somehow, the air around us became lighter.

“Are you hurt?” Lea went on, sounding worried, and he peered at his right shoulder. And I noticed, for the first time, the thin tears on his dark-blue shirt that, drenched in blood, stuck to his skin, covering up the wounds.

“Oh, it’s nothing. It’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied like it was unimportant, but Lea didn’t seem convinced, pulling him by his pants towards his usual armchair. Gabriel sighed, allowing that small hand to drag him, and sat down unbuttoning his shirt, while Lea perched himself on top of his legs. His perfect face winced in pain, which seemed to catch him by surprise, and his violet eyes stared down at his own hand, which had deep red marks, even visible from where I stood.

“Are those burns?” Lea inquired, his tone sounding even more worried, and he went back to unbuttoning buttons.

“It’s nothing,” he reassured him, but Lea held his hand on his, observing his burnt skin with a painful expression.

“They’re so deep.”

“They’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“And the shoulder?”

Gabriel allowed him to pull the sleeve of his shirt downwards and his gaze fell on mine, for a brief moment, leaving me suffering from the pain of a virtual punch in the stomach.

Lea pulled the drenched fabric carefully, uncovering his bloodied skin, and I drew in a sharp breath, not knowing what had shocked me the most; the four deep gashes that cut across his otherwise perfect skin or the bright red color of his blood in contrast with his paleness. Red blood like mine, like any other Human’s blood. Somehow it bothered me, as if I had never admitted the possibility that what ran in his veins could be the same that ran in mine.

Lea sighed, finally sounding more relaxed, and he gave him a gentle smile.

“Didn’t I tell you there was no need to worry?”

The child nodded and I felt lost. No need to worry? His open wounds were still bleeding!

“Oh, there’s more here,” Lea noted, seeming committed to examining his whole body in search of more injuries, but his voice sounded unworried and light, almost amused.

“Mere scratches.”

I squeezed my hands together even harder. Those scratches, although small and superficial, were clearly visible, reminding me of what had happened that afternoon, after the world had stopped. He’d grabbed me and took me to that dark alley where my rational mind had been devoured by the horror of his proximity. Those scratches had been made by me, in my uncontrollable panic that, if not for his unmovable strength, had sent me running down the street, screaming, unaware of the danger I might have been in. And that pale hand, that beautiful, elegant hand now cruelly burnt, was the same I’d felt, cold, damp and trembling, over my lips; strangely trembling, I recalled, because, in that alley, I hadn’t been the only one shaking.

And then his violet eyes were looking at me, and I could almost swear, once more, that he’d just read my thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” his low voice echoed through the room, making me avert my gaze. Suddenly I wished I could just run away.

“It’s not like ... it was your fault,” I said, my voice almost inaudible, although I knew he could hear it perfectly. “Well, of course it’s your fault!” I immediately corrected. “It was because of you that all those things happened. But ... what I mean is, it’s not like it was your fault directly, right? You didn’t wish for any of that to happen.” I ordered myself to shut up. I had the feeling I’d been babbling, trying to explain something I hadn’t been able to explain. Worse! That I had no obligation to explain! And everyone was silent. I should thank him, I thought. After all, he’d saved my life ... again. And kept me safe on a daily basis. I clenched my teeth, now deeply angry at myself! I couldn’t allow for things like this to change the way I saw him! “If everything’s fine, I’m going to bed,” I simply announced and, before the lack of a response and with the clear feeling I’d already said too much, I turned around and almost ran upstairs, yearning for the fictitious sense of security I always had once hidden away behind my bedroom door.

Chapter Fourteen

TAN

– The Path of Lamed - The combination Gimel, Lamed, Samech.

The Vision of the Justice or Balance of the Universe.
1
–

“Unavoidably, even in the most adverse of environments, even if the earth is sterile, life will lead its course.

And, as violent as the world may be, no matter how much one wants the desert to remain sterile,

there’s nothing that can stop the small flower from blooming,

and nothing that can stop her from useless trying to reach the blue bright sky forever out of her grasp.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

ot surprisingly, I didn’t sleep well at all between fragmented dreams where I walked alone through London’s deserted streets, the silence so completely absolute that I couldn’t even hear my own footsteps. The feeling of utter loneliness and abandonment became painfully real, and I was reminded of a similar dream, one that had tormented me a couple of years ago, as a forewarning of my parent’s eminent divorce. However, this time around, I wasn’t searching for some fleeting shadow that always seemed to elude me. Quite the opposite. Although I didn’t run or scream, it felt like I was in fact running away from something.

When the same dream returned for the fourth consecutive time, waking me up gasping for air, damp hair glued against my sweaty forehead, I finally gave up on the whole idea of going back to sleep, and decided to get up. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and hands with cold water and sighed at my depressing image, my grayish face making me look sickly.

However, as I left the bathroom, my attention was drawn towards the stairs and, before I could realize it, I had already descended the first few steps. Ignoring my ever-present, ever-alert inner voice, and trying to be as silent as I possibly could, I went on and stopped at the base, my eyes flying towards the living room door that remained opened. For a moment I considered the possibility of no one being home except for me. The house was completely silent and nothing in the air denounced his presence. With carefully measured, silent footsteps, I went to the door and peered inside.

For a moment all I could see was darkness. But then, as my eyes grew more accustomed to the blackness, darker shapes started coming into existence, among which was a pale, almost luminescent figure that practically made me run back to safety. It took all my strength to rationally think about what I saw. He wasn’t sitting in his usual place, but lying on the sofa, his back turned towards the wall. His dark hair, still long, fell down over his pale shoulder, sliding down over the couch towards the floor. He was bare-chested and somehow seemed too thin, even frail; his long arms folded, his elegant long hands abandoned near his perfect face. Lea, in the shape of a small cat, was curled into a black fur ball against his chest. Gabriel slept.

That strange image before me was so far from the domineering force and unmovable strength I’d felt the few times he’d held him that I had to blink, making sure I wasn’t dreaming or even hallucinating. Like he’d assured Lea, his shoulder was completely healed and I found myself relieved to know that.

I couldn’t help stare at his perfect face, his expression now soft and calm. Sleeping like that, unmoving and free from the daunting presence of his cold, threatening gaze, he almost looked like what he pretended to be on a daily basis — just another teenage boy, the same age as the rest of us. For the first time, I could easily associate him with the name Gabriel, which always sounded so fake, like a bad lie. Somehow, looking at him like this made me feel like I was standing before someone very lonely, like he could be some lost boy, which didn’t make any sense! Not knowing why, I could easily picture him sleeping just like that, alone, somewhere far away, surrounded by cold, unfeeling darkness, year after year. Recklessly, I wished I could enter that room and touch his white face, or even his long, dark hair, just to show him that he wasn’t alone, and that he wasn’t in that dark place anymore, as if that  could melt his cruel frozen heart, if only just a little.

The alarm sounded too late in my mind.

Had he been awake, his terrible presence would had never allow me to digress like that! The small, sharp pain that I had so successfully ignored up till now became stronger and frighteningly real. And once more I realized I was escaping reality, as if that would solve anything.

The truth was, although I didn’t want to admit it, and it made me really angry and frustrated to do so, I’d felt true relief seeing him return unharmed. I knew that, even though I had every reason in the world to do so, I hadn’t really wished for his death. Sure, he terrified me beyond reason, but other than that, all the other reasons for his presence in my life, like the Contract I had been forced to accept, tended to progressively dilute themselves, slowly integrating into my everyday life. Lately, I had to try hard to constantly remind myself of my own situation and, had it not been for Steph’s involvement in all that mess, which had made his true nature perfectly clear, I’d probably even forgot to constantly keep that knowledge present in my mind.

I couldn’t deny he intrigued me, since I could never seem to understand his logic or predict his next move, and I felt as curious about him as he felt about my world. Maybe it was that that now made me look differently at him … or that made me wonder about what he might be feeling, if he was able to feel at all, when I caught him appreciating something that no one else stopped to appreciate.

I didn’t want to change! Yet, I didn’t know how to avoid it. Probably that sleeping face that mysteriously had been able to stir up my heart was proof enough I had no salvation.

I went back to my room deep in thoughts that, although logical, were a confusing mixture of memories, conjectures and antagonistic feelings.

I reminded myself of my everyday life, of my gray, dull routine, before he’d shown up in my room, turning everything upside down. That my other self had gone through life without leaving a single mark and without allowing anything else to come close enough to leave a mark on me. The only one able to make me feel awake, to bring a hint of color into my otherwise gray life, had been Michael, and so I had loved him. It was inevitable.

And suddenly, between the anguish, the pain, and the tears that I was never able to cry, my world was brimming with the most shocking colors, and foreign feelings vibrated all through my body, thoughts consuming me until I felt completely lost, until I couldn’t understand anything anymore.

I’d been nothing but a shadow, yearning for and silently adoring a faraway light. Now the shadow was being dragged by a furious hurricane and, between the desperate attempts not to lose my precious light from sight, and all the others to keep escaping the darkness that threatened to swallow me whole, all I could do was keep fighting, trying not to drown inside of myself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Hmm. What shall we have for lunch?” I asked.

After spending the whole night turning and tussling without getting any real sleep until it was almost dawn, I’d ended up waking up well past noon. However, and to my relief, Gabriel had stayed home and now sat in the living room, waiting for lunch.

“Let’s see, what’s left in the freezer. I really have to take a trip to the supermarket today,” I muttered and Lea dragged a chair to my side, climbing on it to peer inside the freezing compartment.

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing to one of the few bags left and I grabbed it to look inside.

“Looks like steaks. I guess we can have these with some mushrooms. How about it?”

“And can we have fries? And that egg that looks like a sun?” His silver eyes shined like stars as I closed the door.

“Really, sometimes you’re just like a Human child!” I pointed out, taking a clean plate from the cupboard.

“I am?” Lea asked, sounding intrigued, and I nodded.

“Yes, you are. Always happy with the smallest things.”

“Because they’re all things I’ve never seen before. They don’t exist in my world, you know?” he added, now sorrowful, and I looked back at him.

“But you have all these amazing powers. Surely you can get a pizza or two if you want.” I disputed and Lea sat on his chair, his small legs dangling back and forth.

“Well, when I said my world, I wasn’t really talking about the whole world. Only about of the world I know. Of course things like that exist, I suppose. It’s like you say. There are some very powerful
Deiwos
and I’m sure they can get anything they want. But in my world, there’s only darkness.”

“Are you talking about before you met him?” I asked, but Lea shook his head.

“No, before Master found me I hadn’t even that. Only fear, and more fear. But then Master gave me this body, and I decided to stay with him. Maybe if I had left, I’d end up seeing and trying many other things. But, since I didn’t, I started living in Master’s world.”

I recalled the feeling I had last night as I watched him sleep. “Darkness,” I muttered and he nodded sadly.

“Yes. And great empty halls with no windows, with no furniture, always silent. The only place filled with something is the library. Master has a big collection of books. He used to spend his days reading, sitting at this one table, under the light of a candle.”

“But why? I mean, he has so much power,” I wondered out loud and couldn’t help alert myself I was again trying to pry into things that were none of my concern. After all, how could details like that mean anything to me? To better understand him? What for? If in the end all that united us was a simple exchange — my body for Michael’s love.

“Things aren’t that simple,” Lea was saying. “There are many rules and the hierarchy must always be respected. And even amongst the strongest, there’s always fear. That’s something I learned. I always thought that only the weak are afraid. But even the strongest are, too, sometimes, and when they are afraid, their fear is even more intense.” That grown-up tone always reminded me that that child was no child at all. “Fear of dying isn’t that bad at all. Fear of losing everything you have is much worse. And Master has always been feared by everyone, ever since he was a child.”

That painful vibration echoed in my chest, almost as if someone had given a tug on the invisible threads that bound my heart, threatening to tear it to pieces. I couldn’t tell how long those frightening threads had been there, or how they’d come to wrap themselves so tightly around my heart. All I knew was that they had the power to completely destroy me in a single moment, like it had almost happened in that dark alley the day before.

I took some potatoes from the basket near the sink and started peeling them.

Always feared, ever since childhood, I thought. Then he’d really been alone his entire life. When someone is feared like that, even when sharing the same space with someone else, it’s as if there’s no one there, just as it happened with me. Or maybe it was even worse. Having someone beside him who could hardly look him in the eye, who shivered with his every small movement, who tried to run away at the slightest sign of change. I could easily imagine the loneliness and the sadness of having to live with someone like that. And that’s why he loved Lea, I concluded. Lea was the only one who hadn’t run away, who’d remained beside him even when he’d tried to get rid of him. Because when we don’t have anyone, there’s no other way than starting to believe we don’t need anyone. Lea had penetrated his defenses, and had won through persistence. He’d seen his world of darkness and remained by his side. In the end he had become his light.