BloodLust (Rise of the Iliri Book 1) (37 page)

Chapter 42

It had been four days since the Black Blades returned from the Escean Pass.  In just that short time, Sal's life had been turned upside down.  She sighed, thinking about it.  She'd been attacked, healed, had mauled her best friend, and been basically ostracized from the only family she'd ever known. 

General Albin had ordered the Blades to return to Stonewater Stables.  The trip took only three days, but those were three days of isolation for Sal.  Last winter, she'd been used to being alone, but now?  It was amazing how quickly the companionship of friends became something a person needed.  She threw her packs on her own bed in the cabin she'd been assigned so long ago.  Her cabin.  Her room.  Her punishment.

Memories taunted her in each corner.  Shift had rummaged in her wardrobe over there.  Zep had laid across her bed, here.  Blaec had kissed her against that wall.  Her rooms.  They'd become their own kind of torture, all because she was iliri.

"Kitten?" a rough voice asked softly from the door.

"Leave me alone, Jase," Sal warned.  "You know Blaec will take it out on you if you don't."

"It does na work like tha', Sal."

She turned to him, seeing concern on his face.  "Then how does it work, Cyno?"

He shook his head.  "Ya know nothing of what's happenin'.  I know that, so I can na blame ya.  We fucked up though, kitten.  Ya and I.  We both did, k?"

She breathed out an ironic laugh and shook her head.  "And what did
you
do, Jase?"

"I threatened ta kill the man that jacked ya."  He smiled cruelly.  "Kinna in front of the entire army."

"Thanks," she said, meaning it.  "I didn't know that, Jase.  That's really sweet."

He glanced down at his feet and grinned.  "Ayati, Sal.  Only ya would think that's sweet."

She shrugged.  "It is, though.  You're the best partner I could have asked for, you know that?"

He nodded.  "Yer pretty good, yerself.  I'll keep ya."   He added, almost too soft for her to hear, "If ya'd let me."

"I bit Zep."  She was changing the subject, but felt it had to be said.

"Yeh."

"I remember it, Jase.  I bit him and it hurt."

"He told me."

She let her anguish show in her voice. "I don't know if I can control it anymore.  I bit one of the few friends I've ever had!"

He smiled at her wryly.  "He un'erstands, Sal.  Maast, he gets it more than LT does."

"I went feral on him, though!"

"It happens."  He pushed himself away from the door and moved to her, grabbing her shoulders.  "Sal, it's our nature, ok?  Zep gets it.  Stop avoiding him and ya'll see that."

She shook her head, eyes wide, ears pulled close.  "I don't know if I can."  Sucking in a deep breath, she pulled away, his touch too familiar.  "I used to be civilized once, Jase.  I could laugh back then.  I don't know what happened, but I lost it somewhere.  I just need more discipline and I can get it back."

He nodded, understanding.  "Do na let them break you, ok?  I knew ya wanted ta be alone, but that does na mean I have na been watchin'.  I'll keep outta yer way, but only cause ya want it, na cause of anything else."

"I don't want to be alone, Jase.  I want Blaec back."

Her words hit him hard and he looked away.  "I know, kitten.  He'll come around."

She sucked in a quick breath.  Jase reached up and pushed her alabaster hair beneath her delicate ear, then cupped her jaw and made her look up at him.  His eyes held hers and he stepped closer.

"Arctic and I are being deployed.  There's a line on the Anglian bribe, and we need ta get intel.  I'm gonna be gone fer a few."

She nodded sadly.  "Be safe, ok?"

"Yeh.  I'd rather have ya at my back, but I'll be safe.  Promise me somethan?"

"Anything."

"Promise me ya'll stop backin' down because ya think ya should."  His thumb caressed her pale cheek and his blue eyes looked at her, filled with nothing but concern.  "Ya can na help but challenge him.  We all know it, and it's the way of things, ok?  So stop backing down.  Either win or lose, but stop sittin' on the fence.  Is na anything wrong with losing, ok?"

"That's not what I'm worried about, and you know it."

A smile crept to his lips, and Sal glanced at the sharp points of his teeth, so like her own.  "I know.  Is na a thing wrong with winnin' either, kitten.  He'll still be the Lieutenant and we'll work it out.  That's how it is in a pack, ok?  Ya will na break us, but ya need ta figure this out.  Promise?"

She leaned into his hand and closed her eyes, thinking over his words.  "I can't do it without you, Jase."

"I will na leave ya, Sal.  I can na.  It's only a few days and Zep'll be here.  Wait if ya wanna, but promise me ya'll stop avoiding it."

"I swear."

He nodded, accepting that.  "Sal?" he asked, suddenly shy. 

She waited for him to continue, but he glanced away instead, releasing her.  "What, Jase?"

"Can..." His eyes flicked up.  "I know yer na in the lust, and all, but..."  He paused again, his eyes looking around her room for the words he wanted.  "Can I kiss you before I go?  Just once without havin' ta kill somethan first?"

"You're leaving now?"

He nodded.

Her heart stopped.  Now?  He was leaving now, not tomorrow, not in a couple of days, but now.  Without Jase, she would be alone!  Sal gasped and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his neck.  He held her close and pressed his cheek against the top of her head.

"Come back safe, killer," she said, pulling back enough to look at his face.  Then, she reached up and traced the sharp line of his jaw.  "Kiss me, and come back."

He bent his head and touched his lips to hers gently.  She pressed into him, begging for more, and he gave it.  His teeth dragged along her lip as their tongues caressed, a low moan in the back of his throat.  Sal clung to his shoulders, wanting to never let him go.  With one last brush of his mouth against hers, he pulled back.

"Blaec's a fucking idiot," he said softly, caressing her cheek.  With a sad smile, he stepped back.  "Now be good while I'm gone, ok?"

"I'll try," Sal promised, smiling back.

Jase gave her one last glance and walked from her room.  Across the street, Zep leaned against the wall of his cabin, looking at her through the open door. 

Chapter 43

Be good.  That's what Jase told her.  Be more human.  That's what Blaec expected of her.  She was trying, Sal thought as she made her way through the mess hall.  She watched the man next to her and tried to mimic his choices.  Vegetables, well cooked fish, and tubers went onto her plate.  The smell of it turned her stomach but she took it.  It's what they ate, and if she wanted to be more human, she needed to do things that humans did.

She found a place in the corner, away from the traffic from the doors, and sat.  Maybe her stomach would learn to deal with it if she kept eating this stuff long enough.  Her fork speared something green and she shoved it in her mouth.  Chewing and chewing, her sharp teeth lacerated the vegetables into shreds but did little to make it swallowable.  She forced it down with the juice of some fruit and tried something else.

She grabbed the glass again, closing her eyes while she made herself drink.  Pulling in a long, deep breath, she willed her stomach to be silent while she looked across her plate.  Ravenous, she chose the fish.  That at least worked in her mouth.  She chased the last bite with the juice and shoved the plate away, leaning against the wall behind her, controlling her stomach with nothing more than willpower.

"Glad I finally caught you."  Zep dropped his plate onto the table and sat beside her. 

The aroma of rare meat, cheese, and bread wafted up to her.  Sal glanced away.

"Look," he said, mistaking her reaction, "I don't really care if you want to see me or not.  You've been avoiding me since you got jacked."

"Zep?" said softly, "I – "  She paused, overly aware that she hadn't spoken to him since her healing.  "I didn't think you'd want to be near me.  I mean, since you can't trust me and all."

"Why can't I trust you?"  He slid a tall glass of milk toward her.  "And drink that, I know you can't manage juices."

She pushed the glass away.  "I went feral on you.  I'm so sorry, Zep.  I really am!"

He pushed it back.  "I was serious when I told you to drink that."  His deep brown eyes stared at her, his jaw set.  "Drink that and we'll talk."

She nodded and took a long drink then set the glass back on the table.  He bit into his bread and gestured with it for her to finish.  She did, her stomach quieting for the moment.  "Happy?"

"Ok.  Now, first thing first.  I accept your apology.  You don't need to give it, and there's nothing to apologize for, but I know it matters to you, so I accept it.  I'll even forgive you if you want, but hear me out first, ok?"

She nodded, confused.

"I owed ya one, from the cave.  I think you forgot that little bit.  You have no idea what it's like to undergo what Risk does, not as a human.  There's a reason he told you to hold me and that's because we've done that before.  Second, I don't know anyone that can take a poisoned knife to the lungs and not lose it.  When Cyno had to shove my guts back in me, I lost it.  What you did pales in comparison, ok?  When LT got that scar on his hip?  Yeah, that's how Risk got the scar on his shoulder.  When I carried you back, I knew you'd berserk.  I knew what I was doing, Sal.  I didn't care.  I just wanted to make sure my friend lived, ok?"

"Ok," she said weakly, staring at the table.

"One last thing we need to get clear between us."  Zep reached out and tilted her chin up until she looked at him.  "You stopped."

Sal waited for him to say more, but nothing followed.  Zep merely smiled and watched her.

"But I hurt you."

"Yeah, kinda.  Thing is, as deep in as you were, you still knew it, and you stopped.  Cyno can't do that."  He smiled and grabbed her hand.  "I trust you, Sal.  Yeah, you bit me, and yeah, it left one hell of a scar, but  – "

A man passed by with a plate of something.  The smell hit Sal.  Her stomach rolled and she climbed to her feet, stopping Zep in the middle of his sentence.  She looked at him before rushing from the mess tent, trying to maintain her composure.

"Sal!" Zep called after her.

"Piss off your scrubber?" a man at the next table sneered.

Zep said nothing, just grabbed the back of his head and shoved it hard into the table as he passed.  There was a distinctive snap, most likely the man's nose breaking, but Zep didn't stop.

Outside the mess hall, Sal hopped a fence and darted into the pastures.  The smell of horses was comforting, but her stomach refused to settle.  She hurried out of sight and dropped to her knees, spilling her guts into the grass.  Again and again she heaved.  Footsteps crunched behind her, but she could do nothing about it, her body focused on purging itself of the meals of the last few days.

A large hand grabbed her hair and pulled it away from her face.  "Oh, demon, what are you doing to yourself?" Zep whispered, kneeling beside her.

Sal tried to wipe at her chin before heaving yet again, until she had nothing left.  When she could finally sit up, she felt too weak to do it.  Zep helped her.

"You good for a bit, kid?"

"Yeah."

"Can you stand?"

Sal thought about it and leaned back.  Her head tried to spin.  "Not yet."

"Well, if you want to be human, I'll treat you like one."  He lifted her into his arms.  "Put your head on my shoulder, babe, and just close your eyes, ok?  Let's get you in a bed."

He took the long way around, avoiding the traffic areas of the stables, and crossed through the pastures so that no eyes would witness her weakness.  She knew it would matter to her later, but right now she just wanted to close her eyes.  He carried her into her cabin and gently laid her on the bed, then poured a tall glass of water and set it on the table before easing himself into the chair beside her.

"I'm not leaving until you're good enough to eat something, and I don't mean any green shit, ok?"

"Ok," she agreed.  "Thanks, Zep.  I owe you one."

"Shit."  He sighed.  "Sal, we need ta talk.  There's shit you need to know."

"Ok."  Her mind felt numb.  "I'm not going anywhere soon."

"Look."  Zep cleared his throat.  "I owe you a bit of an apology."

"I thought I owed you one."  

"Well, ya already tried that.  Look.  I know how it takes you mutts sometimes," he said. "Yeah, you're not a mutt, whatever.  But there's something about all of you that sets me on edge, ya know?"

"No," Sal said, gently, smelling his embarrassment.  "I don't."

"Yeah.  You're right.  Look."  He took a deep breath.  "Some of this shit I haven't talked to anyone about before, ya get me?"  She nodded.  "It never really came up until you got here.  I mean, we were just a bunch of hormone-ridden men, trying to one up each other all the time.  Now, well, there's a new sensitivity or something going around."

"Zep, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to screw up a good thing."

"Nah, ya didn't screw it up, it just changed.  It does each time we get a new one, which is why we're so picky about it."  Sal nodded, listening, so Zep went on.  "Ya got LT back to us.  I mean, he was like the old LT – before that whole shit in the caverns.  I owe ya one for that, if nothing else.  I've been serving with him for almost twelve years now, even before the Black Blades was the Black Blades, ya know?

"And Cyno's always been a strange one.  He's damned good, don't get me wrong, but he needed to be handled a bit gentler than the others.  He's kinda like a feral dog.  Ya never quite knew if he'd turn on ya or not.  But, for the most part, you being around has him straightened out, too."

She watched him talk, his face looking back in time, and quietly followed what he was saying, storing the bits of information he handed out so causally. 

Zep smiled weakly.  "Well, my point is, it seems like everyone in the Blades is a damned iliri mongrel.  All of ya have something I can't quite touch, but it's like I almost can.  Ya know?"

"Because you're human?"

"Yeah.  I was basically raised by an iliri servant, and I've never much liked how you all get treated.  That's why I stayed on when I saw what LT was building.  Arctic managed to get me in the link.  It took some time, but he did it, and I've been with 'em since.  I've been a Blade for nine years Sal.  I've seen a lot of blood and lost a lot of friends in that time."

"Yeah," she whispered, understanding.

"The other day was the first time I've ever worried that I'd die.  Cyno would have killed me if I hadn't pulled my hands off of you.  And you pulled me in so deep, I didn't even care, hun."

"Zep.  I'm so sorry -"

"It's not you I'm gettin' at, Sal. Well, yes and no.  It's not your fault, though.  Look.  When it hit you, I tried to resist.  I've never had a problem before.  Usually a nice hack and slash, a few cracked skulls and all that; it just gets me ready to go.  I find a whore, I bury myself in her, and I pay her when I'm done.  That's all there is to it, no different than most of the men in this army."  He gestured to the rooms around them.  "That's why I had those memories ready for ya, 'member?  Back for your first assassination."

"What's the tattoo, Zep?" She suddenly felt like it mattered.

"I'm getting there.  So, back when Cyno was new to us, I stumbled upon him right after he did a job.  Don't know if he ever told ya about that."

"We haven't really talked about it."

"Well, he was like a damned wild animal.  I was scared shitless of him.  I knew what he needed – you could see it all over his face, and from the damned tent in his pants – but shit.  I hired him a whore, the kind that takes it rough, and kept the Blades from disturbing him the entire night.  The next morning, the poor girl looked like she'd been mauled by a damned wolf, so I tipped her extra for the time it'd take her to heal up, ya know?"

She nodded again.

"So, yeah.  I knew it hit you all something fierce, but I really had no idea.  I saw the miraculous things your kind can do: the speed, the power, the mental stuff.  Risk heals with just the force of his will.  I mean, that's pretty damned impressive.  I was so jealous.  I wanted to be iliri so much, to fit in.  I guess so I wouldn't let LT down.  That's when I got the tattoo."

He looked at her, blushing slightly.  "It's supposed to be an iliran spell.  I know there's no such shit and all, but it's written in your language, and basically says something like 'I'd give my life to be iliri.'  I got it after I sent Cyno that whore."

Sal reached over and put her hand on his forearm, still listening.

"So yeah.  I had no idea what being iliri really meant, not till I saw you after you got jacked.  We thought you were going to die for a bit there, Sal.  That bastard poisoned the blade he got you with.  It took Risk a lot of work, and by the time you were good again, he barely had the strength to walk out of the damned room.  That dumb-ass General had Cyno holed up in his office, taking his sweet time, thinking nothing of one of our mates bleeding out.  So yeah.  It was me or Risk, and I figured, being human and all, I'd be able to hold you off, right?  Especially since Risk doesn't really go for women, ya know?"

"I actually didn't know," she said, calmly.  "But it didn't go so well for you."

"Shit, Sal, you have no idea.  I felt it.  I mean," he pulled his shirt back, showing her the scar on his chest, and Sal cringed at the memories.  "You bit the shit outta me, and I liked it." He shook his head.  "That's not quite right, more like I needed more of it.  Don't get me wrong, you're one hell of a woman and I could kiss your lips all night, but I don't usually go for the hard shit, ya know?  But when you kissed me, I felt like I couldn't stop.  It took everything I had, every ounce of will, to keep from just ripping your clothes off and having my way with you.  Is that what it's like for you?"

"Yeah," she said.  "That's pretty close.  Your skin's on fire, your blood is pumping, and you need something.  Only another's touch will do, but it always feels too soft, like you need more, harder."

"Yeah.  And it's..."  He looked over to the window.  "It's exhilarating.  It's amazing."

"It also is really damned inconvenient, Zep."

"Oh, I can see that, too."  He laughed awkwardly.  "But Sal, what I'm saying is you're different.  I think it's because you're pure.  When I'm with you, I'm in the link.  Not reaching for the link, but in it, easily.  When that passion shit took hold of you, you passed it to me.  For a split second, I even thought about fighting Cyno for you, like a damned bunch of dogs."