BloodLust (Rise of the Iliri Book 1) (39 page)

"What the fuck?  I missed the joke," Blaec said as Zep got control over himself.

"Sal.  I love her, man, but not like you do.  She's like," Zep looked at the ceiling.  "She's the most honest friend I've ever had.  She's pretty shitty for my love life, though.  About the only way I could stick my dick in her is if she needed me to, cuz of the lust.  Pretty sure there's enough people willing to volunteer that it'll never happen.  That's it, man.  That's the only way I'm getting in her bed.  Sal's one of my brothers, that's it."

With a lost look on his face, Blaec tried to understand the conflicting smells coming from his friend.  "So... why did you just ask..."

"If I could fuck her?" Zep finished, and Blaec nodded.  "Because you're sitting here claiming to be all human and shit, and when I ask my alpha male's permission to a piece of the pie, he gives it, and it's ok.  But if I hadn't asked, you'd'a ripped me a new one for trying to steal a taste, like you did Arctic."  Zep grinned at him.  "Trust me, man, that's not how it works in humans.  If you were human, none of us would be allowed to touch her.  Ever."

Blaec just looked at him, confusion apparent on his face. 

"Seriously, man," Zep said.  "When I was a kid, my best bud was gettin' it on with this girl.  I had a crush on her real bad before they got together.  He got tired of her and stopped seeing her and all, but wasn't anything that would make me even talk to her again.  It kinda feels like if I spit on your food.  You suddenly have no interest in it anymore.  Same shit.  That's what it's like to be human."

"Is that why you never really tried with her?"

"Yeah, kinda.  I mean, I'm learning to think like you all do, now, but sometimes I just can't.  That, and the fact that she thinks I taste good.  That's just a bit more freaky than I want to try, but Sal and I have it worked out.  We're friends.  That's it."  Zep smirked at Blaec.  "But it does explain why you were so upset.  She didn't ask first."

"For which?"  Blaec was getting exasperated.

"For kissing Arctic, for taking over the mission.  None of it.  She didn't try to hide it, which may make it worse, I dunno.  But you didn't give her to him, she did it on her own, after she already stood up to you once, and your damned human alpha-male pride kicked in.  Am I right?"

"Probably."  Definitely. 

"Are ya still pissed about it?"

"No," Blaec replied.  It was the truth.  "I feel like a fucking idiot, but I'm not pissed."  He sighed and tilted his head back.  "Now what?  I fucked up.  I think I fucked up bad.  How the hell do I fix this?"

Zep just smiled at him before answering.  "I know you've probably never seen them, but your men are bunked down on the other side of the stables, in the south wing.  Sal has a cabin there.  If it was me, I'd try begging for forgiveness.  You can't afford to let your pride screw this one up."

"I'll probably never find a way to repay you for this, you know.  Damn it, Zep.  I owe ya.  If nothing else for kicking me in the ass, but I'm hoping I'll owe ya for Sal, too."

"It's all good, man.  Next time I won't wait so long to see if you're gonna grow a brain."  Zep smiled and pulled himself to his feet.  "And your chances are pretty good, but it's not going to be pretty.  She's out for a ride.  You might wanna catch her when she gets back."

"What do I say?"

"Tell her she should never try to be a human," Zep said seriously.  "Never, LT.  You hear me?"

"I know, Zep.  It's just that we have to be careful, you know?"

"No, I don't.  You don't say shit when Cyno does his thing.  And it's not like being polite will make Sal's skin any darker."

"I know," Blaec mumbled.

"I don't think you quite get it.  Why do you train the horses the way you do?"

Blaec looked at him, confused.  "We start them gently, to keep their spirit and natural movement."

"Same shit, man.  You give your damned colt more respect than you do your girl."  Zep shook his head and sank back into the chair.  "I'm fucking disappointed in you right now, but we've been friends a long time, so I'm trying to let it go, ok?"

"What do you mean?"

"You tried to break her.  You hit her where it hurt her the most, and your damned pride stopped you from sucking up.  You hit her with the one thing that's been bothering her for her
entire
life.  She's not fucking human.  She can't
be
human, but you told her to be human.  The
one
damned thing she can't do, and that's what you told her it would take to get you back."

"Ah, fuck," Blaec whispered, finally understanding.  "Fuck."

"Yeah.  And you sent away the only man who could convince her you're wrong."

"Cyno."

Zep nodded slowly.  "She went four days playing human, eating only human meals, before I caught her.  She collapsed shortly after.  I spent last night making sure she ate and slept, terrified she'd stop breathing in the middle of the night.  I'm not fucking around, LT.  If you want to kill her, there's easier ways."

"I never thought – "

"No," Zep interrupted, "you didn't.  Your own amma was iliran.  You should fucking know better."

"Yeah," Blaec said, grabbing the bottle and topping off their glasses.  "I've been around humans too long, I think."

"When did you start hating what you are?"  Zep took a long drink, but watched LT over the top of his glass.

"I don't!"

"Then why do you keep trying to hide it?"

"Because they'd split us up, disband the Blades, and put us back in blues.  You know what that would be like for them?"

Zep shrugged that away, but waited for the rest.

"That's it.  This is our family, our little haven.  We're damned good, but we're still hiding from them."

"What can they really do to us, LT?"

"I just said..."

"And if they put Cyno in blue?  What do you think would happen?  Risk?  Arctic?  Razor? Hell, even Shift!"

"They'd defect," Blaec whispered.

"And I'd be right there with them."

Blaec laughed and tilted his glass.  "You'd just get reassigned into another unit."

"Doesn't mean I'd stay.  We're a fucking pack.  We leave when we die."

"Where would we go, Zep?  Really.  Where would eight rogue iliri go?"

"Unavi Rebellion?  Myrosica?  Hell, most of ya could probably get into Viraenova."

"You're serious?"

Zep nodded.  "I'm not the only one that thinks it, either.  You have what you need.  It's time to make them respect what you are."

Blaec set his glass carefully on the table and looked up at his friend.  "It's been twelve years, Zep.  Twelve long fucking years.  I remember what you were like back then.  Never thought I'd see the day when you're more iliran than me."

Chapter 46

Sal kept her ears folded close to her head, protected from the wind.  Standing in the irons, her calves against the mare's side, she watched the ground rush past, her cheek close to Arden's neck.  Sounds faded under the pounding of hooves and scents mingled into a familiar taste of nature.  Cantering across the rolling hills, her senses no longer trapped her in her misery.

When they reached the valley, Sal pulled Arden in, bringing her to an easy walk and giving her the reins with a slap on the neck.  Leaning back in the saddle, she felt her muscles stretch.  Spring was fading into summer and the flowers were withering on their stalks.  The trees above them whispered in the breeze, taunting Sal with the things she didn't understand.  She couldn't make her mind stop.  She couldn't just relax.  Her thoughts were torturing her, trying to find the answer to a problem she couldn't fix.

"I can't be human," she whispered to her mare, leaning over to hug her neck.  "I tried.  It just doesn't work that way."

Before she became a Black Blade, Sal had learned to submit to the authority of humans.  She'd been trained from an early age to ignore her aggressive urges, but with the Blades that was rarely an option.  She couldn't stand quietly while her friends died around her.  She couldn't refuse to use her teeth if it meant making the kill.  Blaec appreciated her iliran abilities when she used them for assassinations, but not when she used it in typical combat?

Or could it just be when humans were watching?

She thought about that.  It seemed he only worried about her iliran nature when humans might think less of her.  He only wanted her to act human when it would affect how people saw his unit.  She couldn't hide her species – her white skin and hair made that impossible – but she could help him prove that iliri could be controlled and used.  She was one of the few iliri to serve in special ops, which made how she acted even more important.

But she couldn't be human.  She couldn't even control her own urges!  She was an assassin, and her job was to kill, but each time she did, the bloodlust took control.  She kept screwing her partner then crawling back to her lover in between.  That certainly was
not
something humans would ever understand.  She shoved her face into Arden's mane and breathed in the musky scent of the horse to calm herself.  She might be a damned good soldier, but she still couldn't control her instincts.  Humans were right.  She was just a beast that walked on two legs.

She couldn't stop her desires to kill.  Humans smelled too sweet and moved like they wanted to be trapped.  They were so predictable, traveling in groups, clustering together, just begging for her to pick them off.  After the fight in those caves, she knew they tasted as good as they smelled.  They were her prey.

The histories proved that, too.  The more generations iliri were bred down, the easier they were to control.  That's what made Blaec an excellent commander, he was human enough to get the iliran benefits without the consequences.  She and Cyno, though, didn't get the control part.  They had the desire to kill, the skills to kill, and the abilities to kill efficiently, but none of the control to understand when they shouldn't.  Like with the hunting hounds, the handlers looked for dogs with a strong drive to track the prey, but a weak drive to kill.

And hounds that were too aggressive were put down.

She couldn't change who she was.  She couldn't be anyone but herself.  She could fake it for a few moments, but she was who she was.  She was iliri; she was made to be a predator – a very good predator.  Cyno hid in the shadows of others, never drawing attention to himself, but that wouldn't work for Sal.  She was too pale, too female, and too obvious to be overlooked.  Time and time again, humans noticed her, even when she did nothing to ask for it. 

And now, that attention caused problems.  She was ruining everything the Black Blades worked for!  If she had to resign, then that's what she'd do.  She loved her brothers in arms, but she loved them enough to leave them.

Sal sucked in a breath and blinked at the sky when she realized what she was telling herself.  Her only option was to leave the Blades.  She didn't know what she would do or where she would go, but she had to do it.  Maybe she could be reassigned to the stables?  That would let her see them occasionally, and maybe they'd be able to remain friends.  Over time, they'd forget her.  That's just how things worked, but without her, the Blades wouldn't have the threat of being disbanded hanging over their heads.

Sal lifted Arden's reins and gently turned her back to the barns.  She patted the mare's spotted neck one last time.  For a few months she'd had her dream.  She'd tried.  She may have failed, but at least she'd tried.  She'd had her own horse, her own room, and even her own armor.  It didn't sound like much when she thought about it like that, but she'd rarely had anything meant just for her.  And she'd known love.  Blaec's love, the love of her brothers, and the love of her job.  For these last few months it had felt so perfect.  She'd thrown herself into life with a passion.  A passion that had ruined everything.

Step by step, she walked Arden back.  She wouldn't be able to keep the mare.  As a Private, she wouldn't have the wages to afford the care of a fully trained war horse.  She definitely wouldn't need one.  Arden would serve the Blades well and it would be a good life for the horse.  All Sal owned was an entire wardrobe of clothes – most of it bought for her by Zep and Shift.  That was more than she'd had when she had arrived.  She had her clothes and a scar.  It wasn't much to show for the life she'd led.

Sal!
Jase's mind burst into her head. 
Maast, Sal, please hear me.

She sat up straighter, wondering if he'd somehow overheard her thoughts. 
I hear you
.

We're fucked, kitten,
he sent, panic tinting the tone of his mental voice. 
It was an ambush.  We're fucked.

She stopped Arden without realizing it, all of her own problems forgotten. 
Can you get out?  Fuck the mission, Jase, get out!

Na gonna happen.
She could feel a part of his mind was preoccupied. 
They already got me, kitten.  We're gonna lose the link in a sec, when they catch Arctic.  I'm sorry, but can ya take this?  I do na have time to package it right, so ya'll have to sort through it. 

She felt him offering his memories.  The bright flame was raging out of control, larger than anything she'd handled before, but Sal reached for it.  He passed the jumble of thoughts into her mind and she grabbed at her saddle, trying to hold them.

Ever'thing's in there.  Ever'thing.  Sal, oh, Sal.  I never got ta tell ya, ok?  But ya'll know.

Where are you, Jase?  Can you hold on long enough for me to make it?

I do na know.  Just a little town called Yager's Crossing.  Arctic's trying for LT.  I know where the steel is, Sal.  Ya have to stop it.  More than anything, ya have to stop the damned steel or they'll kill all a us.  They wanna cleanse the world of our kind.  Yer the only one that is strong enough to catch the memories.

I got them, Jase.  I'm coming.  Just hang on, killer.  I'm coming for you. 
She put her heels into Arden's sides, making truth of her words.

Ya can na.  It's the Black Widows, Sal.  Just stop the steel.
He broke off for a moment, and her heart lurched. 
Fuck.  They got him.  Oh, maast.  Sal...

She didn't even pause for the gate, encouraging the mare to jump it, heading for the cabins and her gear. 

Jase?
she begged into the silence.  A surge of fury hit her just before the link went dead. 

She rode hard through the compound, humans leaping from under Arden's feet, not stopping until she reached her rooms.  In a shower of dust, Arden slid to a halt and Sal slipped off, dropping the reins to the ground.  Zep burst from his rooms behind her.  They'd all felt the link fall silent.

"Sal!" he yelled.

"They got him," she called back, her feet never slowing. 

She shoved open her door and didn't bother to close it, moving to her armor.  She snagged the cuirass, fumbling to buckle it on when Zep grabbed the next strap.

"I buckle, you talk," he said simply.

"Jase said it was an ambush.  He's caught, and they were about to get Arctic.  I think they did, which is why the link's down.  He sent me his memories, but he couldn't tie them up.  Zep, they're burning in my head, and when I look at them it's going to knock me off my feet."

"Stop wasting time and look," he said, pushing her back onto her bed.  "I can put you in armor while you're out cold."  He grabbed a greave and demonstrated.

Sal nodded and closed her eyes, looking at the fires in her mind.  The surge of information hit her hard, and she dug her fingers into the covers, gasping.  Cyno and Arctic had been sent to a small town just north of Ft. Landing.  A group of farmers there supposedly had been hired to assist with the transport of the steel into Unav.  They were willing to talk in exchange for money.  The Blades had taken the bait and sent Cyno in to make the deal, but he'd been met with the Black Widow Company instead of honest men.  The Black Widows knew the Blades never worked alone and went searching for his partner. That's when Jase reached out to her.  Trussed in a farm house, the Terrans were only keeping him alive because they wanted more information.

His cold logic clouded the memories, except for his thoughts about her.  Warm and bright, his longing ran at the edge of each one.  It was his only regret.  Sal made herself look past it.  The feeling was too personal.  He knew she'd see it, but he hadn't known that when he felt it.  She repackaged the memories, keeping only the facts the Black Blades would need, and tried to sit up – failing the first time.  Her head felt too light.

"I know where he is," she gasped.

Zep helped her up.  "Ok, what are we doing?"

A scrape in the dirt outside her door told Sal that they weren't alone.  Looking over, she saw Shift and Razor leaning through the frame.  She looked back to Zep.  "You're getting the Blades together.  I'm going to save my partner."

Shift nodded, accepting that, and ran, intent on some mission of his own.  Razor pushed into the room.

"We work in pairs," he said.

"Not this time."  Sal grabbed her weapons and started strapping them on.  "Black Widows know that.  Guys, I can get places you can't.  I can do this.  I need you to get the unit mobilized."

"No."  Blaec stood in the door, sadness and anger clear on his face.  "We need to stop the steel.  I have the location."

"Yes, sir," Sal agreed.  "You do.  I need to get my brothers."

"You can't, Sal.  You go in there, you'll give us away.  The Black Widows have no idea we have this knowledge.  We have to stop the damned bribe."

She looked up at him and snarled.  "You were right about one thing, Blaec.  I'm a damned beast.  You don't
fuck
with a beast."  She grabbed at her neck and yanked at the delicate resin chain hanging there.  It snapped, leaving her holding the large opal.  "I think there are a few things you forgot, Lieutenant," she said, tossing it at his feet.  "I won't lose my brothers."

He growled, moving toward her, but Sal stood her ground.  She stared deep into his eyes, her lip pulled away from her sharp teeth, and waited for him to get closer.  He took the last step and she reached out, slapping her hand against him, her palm on his jaw.  She shoved the information Jase had given her deep into Blaec's mind.

He gasped and stepped back, the force of the transfer so intense it rocked him on his feet.

"I quit," she said softly, then pushed him aside as she made for her mare.

"Sal!" Blaec called after her.  "Stop!"

She grabbed her reins and swung onto Arden's back, catching his eye.  "No, sir.  We don't have time for politics.  Act like a human all you want, but I'm done.  Court-martial me when I get back."

She turned her mare and caught Shift coming out of Arctic's rooms.  "You'll need this," he yelled, throwing something her way.

She caught the leather bag easily, feeling the tubes clank inside it.  "A jakentron?"

"Yeah, his best."  Shift hurried to Arden's side.  "How many blades you got?"

"Four."