Bloom (19 page)

Ella and Gavin invited Matt and Lydia over. Gavin’s best friend and his wife, and their little one. I didn’t expect to see them when I walked in and I noticeably sighed.

They looked up from their couch conversations and waited for me to say something. I stood there, like an immovable statue. Could this really be happening to me?

“What’s wrong?” Ella said. “You look worried.”

“Try again.”

“Sad?”

“Again.”

“Angry!” Matt chimed in.

“Confused out of my mind.” I walked to the steps. “Ella, I need to talk.”

“Oh, you can tell us,” Matt said.

I looked at Ella.

She shrugged. “Sarah is kind of private.” She stood. “I’ll be back.”

“Oh, fine.” I motioned for Ella to sit back down. “I blame this all on you anyway. You and your addiction to romance.”

“Did you show up during the wedding and scream for them to stop?” she said.

Everyone stared at me, even the babies.

“Worse,” I said. “Natalie refused to go through with it and I was visiting Anastasia’s grave today for her birthday when he shows up. We went to market and now he is picking me up at seven for our date.”

“What?” Ella squealed and jumped up.

“That’s great.” Lydia smiled.

“No, it’s not really,” I said.

“You’re sad for Natalie?” Gavin said.

“Yes,” I said. “I feel terrible about that. Absolutely horrible. He wants to take me on a date the day after his canceled wedding? That doesn’t seem right at all. Or romantic. It’s kind of weird.”

Lydia laughed.

“Well,” Matt said. “It is a little weird when you put it that way, but you only live once.”

“Can’t hurt to go out on a date,” Ella said. Was that a tear on her cheek? “It is romantic, if you ask me.”

“It’s dreadful,” I said. “When I fantasized about this day it was amazing, but now that it’s real I’m freaked out. I’m worried about Natalie’s broken heart and my own too. I don’t think I can let him love me like this.” I sucked in my bottom lip to keep from crying. “In my dreams I could, but this is real life. I don’t think I want to be that close to a man whose opinion I care so deeply about.”

“You need to stop,” Gavin said. “You and I are really similar, Sarah. As someone who can relate, you just need to get your mind out of hell or your life will turn into a living hell. If you want to call that living.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t be so pessimistic. Don’t think so much. You have no idea what could happen if you let it. You’re fixated on keeping yourself in your safe little bubble. Well, I did the same thing. Always suppressing hopes so I’d never get let down or hurt. I can’t speak for your life, but I wrapped my bubble so tight that I started to suffocate in my own prison. All that to have a slight wind pop the bubble.” He rubbed his hands on his jeans and looked around the room. “What?”

“What about us?” Ella said.

He laughed. “I meant before us.” Looking back at me, he sighed and gave me a crooked smile. “I’m not trying to upset you, although I can also relate to that feeling too. The second someone tells you to stop moping you want to throw the nearest object at them and tell them they don’t understand you. I’m saying this to help you. Let go, Sarah. Let go of it all and live. Just live already.”

“I don’t think that’s fair,” I said. “I’ve been doing really well. I don’t see how dating a guy constitutes a full life.”

Matt stood as though a lightbulb turned on in his head. He held up his index finger. “I get it!” All eyes on him, he continued. “It’s the one thing you want more than anything and the thing you fear the most. By giving up, you’ll live forever with regrets. But”—he held his finger up again—“if you try and you get hurt, at least you didn’t let the fear stop you from trying.”

“That’s good, man,” Gavin said. “Pretty deep for you. I was just going to say something cheesy like—”

“Spare us,” Matt said, sitting back down.

I think I actually laughed.

“So,” I said. “Life is simply about trying then? Taking the training wheels off and getting back on the bike when you fall? I still don’t see how that makes life so amazing.”

“It’s not the trying that matters,” Ella said. “It’s just that it means you don’t live based off of fears. For you, it’s the fear of getting hurt, not being perfect, not being a people pleaser.”

“Gee, thanks.” I smiled. “Got anymore?”

“For me,” Gavin said, “it’s always been the fear of losing something or someone I love. Also dealing with my own failures and guilt. Being a people pleaser too.”

“My issues have always been commitment-related,” Matt said. “Fear of staying the same too long. Of getting bored.”

“Which really stems from a fear of being quiet and looking in the mirror,” Gavin said.

“Yeah. Thanks oh mighty counselor.” Matt laughed.

Everyone else did too.

Lydia folded her hands in her lap and shifted in her seat. “Mine ... I’m kind of uncomfortable saying.”

“I’ll go.” Ella popped the balloon of tension. “I can be a little too idealistic.”

“A little?” Matt said.

We laughed again.

“Okay, okay.” She motioned for quiet. “I’m serious though. My idealism doesn’t end with romance and relationships. I’m really hard on myself. If I can’t do something perfectly the first time, I don’t want to try again. I can’t stand messing up. At all. Not even a microscopic mistake no one else can see. If Gavin doesn’t ‘ooh and ahh’ over a meal I cooked I shrink inside. If someone tells me a picture on the wall would look better three inches to the right, I feel like I’m stupid. If I don’t co-sleep with Adelaide, or if I do, either way I feel wrong, like the world’s worst mother. I feel like I’m never good enough for myself.”

I nodded. I could relate.

“I’ll say one,” Lydia said. “I have that too, but I also have this fear of death. Especially suffering. I don’t know if I believe in God or not. Heaven and hell. I want to believe something exists after this life, but I don’t know. Falling asleep and being worm food without ever opening my eyes to another day ... that scares me.”

“You never told me that,” Matt said.

“What’s the one that made you uncomfortable?” Ellla said.

“I can’t say right now.” She knelt down on the floor with Ella and the babies. “Maybe another day.”

“Will you tell me?” Matt said. “When we leave?”

“If you promise not to get mad.”

“I won’t.”

“Well, thanks guys,” I said. “I’m still so nervous though. There’s so much pressure now. Before, we were just friends. Our time together felt natural. Now it’s all weird. I’m genuinely afraid that he might kiss me.”

Ella laughed. “This coming from the girl who had more dates in one year than I did in my entire life.”

“I’m not that girl anymore.” She started to speak, but I kept going, “I know you’re going to say I’m still the same person underneath, but I’m not. I don’t want to date for fun anymore. If I let someone in I don’t want to let him out. Ever.”

Gavin stood up and put his hands on my shoulders. “Take a deep breath.” He exaggerated as he inhaled. “Then back out.” He blew the air back out. “Now. Go get ready. Be yourself. Go out with your friend and have fun.”

For the first time since
the accident I thumbed
through my old wardrobe. Every piece of clothing brought back a memory of my life before. I relived a few sunny memories for a few minutes, then pulled out a long black dress. I wore it to a wedding a few months before the fire. If I threw a cardigan over it maybe I’d feel less self-conscious about my chest.

It still hurt sometimes to get dressed and undressed. Another reason I felt silly going on a date. Honestly, I felt like a ninety-nine year old woman going out. What’s the point?

The point, I reminded myself, is that you love him.

I finally got into the dress, put a red cardigan over it, then looked in my new mirror. Not too bad.

I stepped closer and touched the scars on my face. Maybe they were right. Maybe I did focus too much on the negative things.

I turned my face and analyzed the scars. I guess it wasn’t that bad. Could be worse, I thought.

I imagined the flames again. The intense heat surrounding me as I covered my face with my arms. James screaming my name over and over as I tried to bite my way out of the fabric. The smell. The horrid smell and knowing it was me. It was my life melting away.

But now I had a chance to mold it into something new.

I stepped away from the mirror and thanked God for my life. For everything.

It wasn’t that bad at all.

Ella gasped when I walked
downstairs. “Sarah!”

She hurried out of the kitchen with a wooden spoon still in her hand.

I smiled. Felt like prom day only fifty times better and more important.

Ella waved the spoon between us. “It’s ... I can’t believe it.”

“What?” I said. “Is it too much?”

“Not in the slightest.” She touched my hair. “You curled it.”

“And makeup too.”

“So much for being real.” She winked and went back to the kitchen.

I leaned on a bar stool. “I knew you’d say that.”

“I’m kidding.”

“I know. It’s not like I’m trying to conceal flaws. Pretty much impossible to do that anyway. Who knows if I’ll ever be able to wear foundation again. They told me not to even go in the sun for two years.”

“Already broke that one.”

The doorbell rang. My knees buckled. “I can’t.”

“You can,” Ella said, waving a dish towel. “Go on.”

I walked to the door with my hands held out at my sides, resembling a Disney princess. My stomach, queasy as can be, made me feel sick. I turned the doorknob and waited a second. Then slowly, I opened the door.

Vasili grinned. His intense eyes looked more beautiful than I’d ever seen them before. Even his cheeks were flushed.

I turned back to Ella. She smiled and waved with her wooden spoon. I waved back and closed the door.

Vasili kept trying to say something, but never succeeded. I motioned toward the car and he nodded. We drove into the city, barely saying a word, then walked into the Fulton Theatre.

It’s lovely staircase enchanted me as I ran my hand along the railing. We finally reached the second tier. I followed Vasili to our seats, down in the front on the very right.

“What’s playing tonight?” I said, looking at the curtain on stage.

He mumbled so low I couldn’t hear.

“What?”

He moved closer so his breath touched my neck. I closed my eyes and shivered inside. Oh dear. I still didn’t hear what he said, but I knew as soon as the conductor came out that it was the Lancaster Symphony Orchestra. I saw them once in Philly with Ella. Fantastic performance.

The music began within minutes. Soft and melodic, a subtle wintry sound.

I leaned into Vasili and whispered, “I don’t feel beautiful enough to be here.”

He tilted his head back so his lips almost touched my ear. “Don’t focus so much on looking beautiful. Just be beautiful.”

I straightened in my seat and listened to the symphony ebb and flow until finally bursting through the room. I could feel it in every fiber of my being. Every note. Every instrument.

I closed my eyes and smiled, picturing gorgeous landscapes and happy people. At some point, during a more suspenseful sound, I even pictured Sherlock Holmes. The Benedict Cumberbatch one, of course. The only one in my mind.

I kept my eyes closed the entire time, letting the music lift and descend me to various places and memories until it stopped and the theatre thundered with applause.

I opened my eyes, disappointed that Vasili was standing. I guess some part of me hoped he’d been staring at me. I laughed inside. Ella ruined me. She absolutely ruined me.

He looked down and smiled at me, then pulled me up too. “Now that,” he said. “That proves beauty isn’t just for the eyes.”

We sat in his car,
parked in front of Ella and Gavin’s
house. He tried to keep the conversation light and friendly, but every time I allowed myself to look at him I thought of Natalie. She should have been on a plane to Paris with the man beside me. But she was home. Single. With a lovely white dress to sell.

I imagined myself in her place.

“I should get going,” I said.

He nodded, then turned the music off. “What’s going on in that brain of yours?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve watched you for the last few months. You’ve smiled and laughed even in hard times. Now things are looking up and you seem depressed.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“Want the truth?”

“Always.”

“I’m thinking of Natalie. I feel so bad for her.”

“Natalie and I grew apart a long time ago. She’s happy. Relieved, even. I think of you as a gift. A last-minute wake up call.” He paused and waited for me to respond. When I didn’t, he went on, “You can’t glue yourself to the past forever. Yesterday I almost made an awful mistake, but that’s ten years ago for all I care. Yesterday is so far gone. It’s never coming back. Today. Today is it. You and me. There’s no more yesterday and tomorrow is only a hope. We have each other right now, but I need your help. I want this to work. It’s gotta work.” He tapped my knee. “Help me out here. This doesn’t have to be so awkward.”

I turned my gaze toward the house as the living room light turned off. Vasili reached for my hand, but I pulled away.

“It’s me, Sarah,” he said.

“I know it’s you. That’s the problem. You’re too good for me. Don’t you see that?”

“No. I see the opposite.”

“I don’t want empty flattery.”

“You think I’d lie to make you feel better? You’re the one lying to yourself.”

“This isn’t going to work.”

“I’m not letting that happen.” He loosened his collar and unbuttoned his shirt.

I looked away.

“Look at me.” He put my hand on his bare chest.

My eyes were closed, but I knew the feeling well. Patches of skin, far from soft and smooth.

“Open your eyes.”

I did. His chest looked so similar to mine. Pinched and rippled and discolored in places. Our eyes met. The intimacy between us transcended every kiss I’d ever had. No heated passion or sensual tension needed. Only two people being real. Being honest. I couldn’t have planned a more beautiful moment if I spent a year trying.