Bloom (9 page)

I crashed after the party and slept like a bear in winter until an ear-splitting sound woke me up. When I opened my eyes, I screamed almost as loud as the deafening beeps. The fire alarm.

I peeled off my burn mask and whipped my body out of bed so fast I pulled my calf muscle. Limping across the floor, I grabbed my robe and bent over to massage my leg.

My ribs hurt and my heartbeat resounded in my ears. Dizzy, I steadied myself on the dresser.

The door opened. Ella.

“Oh, Sarah,” she said. “I’m so sorry. False alarm.”

I closed my eyes and exhaled, slumping to the chair by the window.

“I am so, so sorry. I was baking some treats for breakfast and I fell asleep on the couch. No fire. Just black blueberry muffins.”

I held my chest. “I have these nightmares still. I’m either burning or running through the smoky house, but can’t escape. Each room turns into another room and they all collapse on me. I thought I was dreaming again until I stood up.” I walked back to my bed. “What time is it?”

“Five in the morning.” She helped me into bed. “I feel so bad.”

“Don’t.” I almost laughed. “We’ll be laughing about this for years.”

She sighed in relief. “Tylissa will be leaving this evening. I figured we could have a nice breakfast with her tomorrow. I mean, today.”

I nodded as I pulled the sheets to my neck. “I’ll be down at seven.”

“Okay.” She closed my door and peeked through the crack. “Sorry again.”

I couldn’t sleep so I watched shadows flicker on the ceiling and thought about Ella. Our childhood memories, like when we dressed up as The Wizard of Oz characters and performed for our stuffed animals. When we nearly hit our heads on the ceiling as Jordan scored the winning shot for The Bulls, even though we couldn’t stand sports. She was there for me when I had my heart broken for the first time and when I had my first real kiss. When I found out I had cancer and when I cleaned out our apartment and made her get rid of all of her chemical makeup.

Her, with her brown hair and petite body. Me, with my blonde hair and tall, curvy build. Her, with her Downton Abbey obsession. Me, with my Benedict as Sherlock Holmes giddiness. Her, idealist to the core. Me, scared to get my hopes up in fear of getting let down. Her, function over form. Me, window shopper to the core. Her, married with a baby. Me, single for life. Her, optimistic. Me, well, I guess I used to be that way too.

Opposites in so many ways, yet inseparable since we met. I loved her. And one day, I hoped to love people and life as much as she did.

7 a.m. came before sleep did. I pulled on some pajama pants and a t-shirt, then did my quick bathroom routine.

I came back into my room to find my slippers and saw blue and silver gift wrap glimmering on my bed. I opened the card on top of the gift:

Dearest Sarah,

Another year. Probably the most difficult year our friendship has ever endured. I’ll never forget the day I got that call. And the first time I saw you after the accident. I held myself together while standing by you, but you were in a coma and couldn’t hear me anyway. My hands were shaking as I stared at you ... I wanted so badly to take your place.

But I couldn’t. I needed to go back home and live my life as normal as possible. It was so hard. I thought of you constantly. Sometimes I’d stare at Gavin and instead of being thankful for finding him, I’d get upset that I was here and you were in a coma. I almost felt guilty living, because you weren’t.

Then, the worst part ... I got married without you. Before everyone arrived I set your picture on a bench under the tree where we said our vows. As I walked to Gavin I looked at your face and thought of your joy. You always had this joy that outshone everyone else’s. You used to tell me your secret was that “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” I always joked that your sugar must’ve been crack. ;)

Seriously, though, your friendship has changed my life. Seeing you endure all of this and still keep going ... you’ve inspired me so much. I remember the first day you came back from the hospital just four months ago. You were exhausted and struggling with your new reality, but when I said goodnight to you ... you smiled and said, “It’s not good yet, but I’m working on that.”

For so many years you hid in your room when you experienced pain. Remember when Gordon broke up with you and you ran away, hiding behind that bush out front? Your parents even called the cops. You didn’t want to show the world your tears and failures. That was the first time you admitted to life not being so good all the time. Since then, I’ve seen you grow and change so much.

The past few weeks you’ve smiled again. Really smiled. And it’s been so beautiful to witness. You’ve stopped running for the first time in your life. As your best friend it’s been amazing to watch. You still light up the room, Sarah. You always say I have all the luck, but I don’t see it that way at all. In you, I see so many qualities I lack. So many virtues I admire. You are the most loyal and faithful person I know. You’re willing to give up everything you want for your friends and family. You see people in a positive light, even when it’s hard for others to do so. You don’t let many people into your heart, but when you do … they never leave. You think I’m admirable? Pssh. It may sound cheesy, but you’re the wind beneath my wings.

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed that with the sun’s love,

In the spring, becomes a rose.

You are more than my best friend ... you’re my sister, my rose. And I love you. Joy is your middle name for a reason. Thank you for bringing joy to my life.

Happy birthday, dear friend.

Love,

Ella

I peeled back the wrapping paper and teared up at the painting. Gavin must’ve painted it. Exactly like I remembered.

Ella and I holding hands by the river. We were seven years old. The summer sun highlighted our hair as we dipped our toes in the murky water. We were both hesitant to get more than our feet wet. It was so cold. Then, she squeezed my hand and said, “Come on. Everything’s easy when we do it together.”

I squeezed back and we splashed into the shallow creek, laughing, exhilarated. We were a team. Some people go through their lives skipping friends like rocks on a creek. Picking them up only to toss them away and watch them sink out of sight. I never had a lot of friends growing up. But I didn’t need them.

I walked downstairs and found Ella pulling another set of muffins out of the oven.

“Thank you,” I said. “I’m so thankful to have a friend who understands me. Who can see me at my worst and still love me.”

She gave me a quick hug, then pulled another tray of muffins out of the oven. “Thank you. For the same.”

“Remember that time my family thought we were more than friends because we were so close? Because we cuddled when we watched movies?”

She laughed. “That was hilarious. I guess friendships like ours just aren’t normal.”

“No. I don’t think they are.”

Tylissa rubbed her eyes and greeted us. “I think I need some coffee.”

Ella immediately put a kettle on the stove. “French press coming right up.”

“Look at you, girl,” Tylissa said. “Getting all gourmet on me.”

Asylia toddled into the living room.

“I can’t believe how big she’s gotten,” Ella said.

“Yeah. Time flies.” She looked off into the distance. “Mwenye has barely been able to see her grow up. I’ve sent him letters, but never hear back. Sometimes we get to talk on the phone, but the stuff he’s had to endure....”

“Ella wouldn’t tell me what happened.” I sat next to Tylissa at the bar that separated the dining room from the kitchen. “She said it’s not her story to tell, but I just don’t understand why Mwenye is taking the blame for something he didn’t do. Especially something as terrible as this.”

Tylissa rested her chin in her hand. “It’s a long story. One that Mwenye doesn’t want me to share. This is what he wants.”

“So you haven’t told Ella either?”

“I’ve only told her that he’s not guilty. I have proof of that, and so does the court if they only wanted the evidence. They just want what they want. And that’s exactly what Mwenye wants. I knew it when we got married. He told me there was a good chance something like this would happen. He’s just had this guy on his back for years.” She let out a deep breath. “Anyway, it will all make sense soon. I’ve learned a lot through this. Mwenye has taught me so much about life. I just hope”—she bit her lip—“that Asylia will understand when she gets older.”

“I’m sure she will,” Ella said. “I don’t understand yet either, but when I do, I have no doubt that I’ll admire what he’s doing. I’ve always admired you guys for standing up for the truth even when it hurts.”

“Thank you,” Tylissa said. “So, Sarah, whatever happened with James? Did you guys break it off?”

“That’s a long story too,” I said. “Yes, we broke it off. Or at least I’m trying to. He’s not so interested in dealing with reality though.”

“Do you really think it’s for the best?”

“The guy practically told me I don’t deserve a husband because of the way I look now. Is that someone I want to grow old with?” I shook my head. “It’s weird how someone can become a different person when hard times hit. I’m kind of glad for this, you know. I’ve seen a different side of him. Possessive and angry and hurtful. This is a time when he should be even more gentle and compassionate, but it turned him into a crazy person.”

“That’s sad.” Ella handed us each a blueberry muffin, grilled with creamy butter melting into the tops. “I feel bad for him.”

“I do too. Sometimes I stay up at night thinking I should just marry him and help him find happiness, but every time I let myself give into that idea ... I lose my own happiness. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to be a martyr. Some people can pull others up the ladder, but I’m afraid I’d just fall back down.”

“It’s for the best,” Tylissa said. “It may not seem like it when you’re tossing and turning. I know the feeling, trust me. It is for the best though. It’ll be okay.”

“I saw the way Vasili looked at you,” Ella said. “He’s engaged, isn’t he? I saw a ring on Natalie’s finger.”

“Nothing gets by you, does it?” I laughed. “There’s nothing between us. He considers me his sister. That’s all. You saw Natalie. Do you really think he’d break up with her for me?”

“You give yourself less credit than you deserve,” Ella said.

I shrugged. “I guess I’d rather err on that side.”

“You always have.” She laughed. “I’m leaping for the moon and you’re still contemplating if it exists.”

I smiled. “A little off subject here, but you know what? I realized this morning that I’ve looked in the mirror lately and haven’t noticed my burns. I’ve stopped zeroing in on the negative all the time.”

“That’s great,” Tylissa said. “I feel the same. I’m finally coming to terms with everything. I look at a picture of Mwenye and I’m proud of what he’s doing, instead of getting all hysterical.”

“Yes,” I said. “We’re coming to terms with reality while Ella still dances in the stardust.”

“Hey,” Ella said. “Someone’s gotta do it.”

James texted my phone as I pulled up to Sophia’s house. Not a surprise. He texted me two hundred times in one day. Or close. It started with, “Christmas is coming, Sarah. We should be decorating a tree together. The three of us.”

By the fifty-thousandth text he was cursing at me and calling me a slut. I didn’t know what to do. I wished he would let go and make it easy. I tried to tell myself I was doing the right thing, but he made me feel guilty for moving on and attempting to rebuild my life without him and Abby.

So, for now, I blocked his number and hoped he would keep his distance. I actually started to fear him so much that I had nightmares of him lighting me on fire on purpose, just to keep me from dating anyone else. I kept waking up asking God to take away my bad dreams. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I knocked on Sophia’s door and Nurse Laura let me in.

“How is she?” I said.

“She’s taking liquids, but she hasn’t eaten in a few days.” She held my hand in hers. “I think she’ll make it to Christmas though. Only a week to go. Have you been practicing your lines?”

I tried to smile. “Barely. I think Vasili and I are going to win an award for most hilarious actors in a serious play.”

“She will absolutely love it. I can’t wait.”

I tapped on Anastasia’s bedroom door. Sophia waved for me to come inside. Yanni was asleep in the chair by his daughter, his hand atop hers.

Sophia whispered, “She’s slipping away, Sarah.”

“Not yet. She’ll make it to Christmas.”

Anastasia’s eyes flickered. “Sarah?”

I sat beside her and ran my fingertips along her forehead. “I’m here, sweetie. How are you feeling?”

“I heard you had a nice birthday.” Her voice weakened since the last time I saw her. “Did you like the gift we got you?”

“Of course.” I continued to rub her head. “Thank you.”

She closed her eyes and gulped for air. “I keep telling God I just want to see one more flower bloom, but it’s not looking too good. I was hoping to die in the spring.”

My chest hurt. “Maybe when you open your eyes again it will be your very own special spring. A whole new life filled with all kinds of wonderful things to explore.”

“Do you believe in heaven?”

“Yes,” I said. “I do.”

“Me too.” Her mouth seemed dry. Sophia noticed too and helped her sip water. Then she continued, “Father Thomas tells me that heaven is God’s presence to everyone who loves him and hell is his presence to people who don’t love him. I don’t know why, but I keep thinking of people who don’t believe in heaven and God and I keep asking him if there’s anyone who doesn’t go there, if maybe he’d let me take their place, but I don’t know how to do that because I do love him and I don’t know if I could pretend not to.”

I smiled. “You’re sweet, Anastasia. God will take care of the details. You just keep loving him and everyone around you.”

“There are times when I wonder if when I die it will just be over and nothing will exist after that.”

I admired her honesty. For such a young child, she always brought up interesting points.

Sophia pressed her finger over her daughter’s lips. “Don’t worry so much. Just rest, dear.”

“But how do we know for sure?” she asked her mother.

Vasili entered the room. “Remember, the most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.”

Her face lit up like a Ferris wheel glowing in the night. “Uncle Vasili!”

“Hey there, young lady,” he said. “I thought I’d stop by before heading to work.”

“Where’s Natalie? I haven’t seen her in a long time,” Sophia said.

“She’s busy with her cosmetology stuff. Beauty shows. Training.”

Sophia nodded. “It would mean a lot to Anastasia if she’d come and visit.”

Vasili avoided her eyes. “I’ll see what I can do.” He looked at me. “I gotta run. Your appointment is in an hour.” He shoved my shoulder. “Don’t be late.”

He left and Anastasia drifted in and out of sleep for the next half hour. I kissed her cheek and said goodbye to her parents. Laura escorted me back to the door and handed me an envelope. “Don’t open this until after Anastasia’s funeral. She wrote this for you, but doesn’t want you to read it until the spring. She said you can open it on her birthday.”

“I thought her birthday passed?”

“They had a party for her, but her actual birthday isn’t until spring. She doesn’t think she’ll make it until then, so they celebrated early.”

“Why didn’t she have Sophia give it to me?”

“She didn’t want anyone else to read it.”

“What is it?” I said, intrigued that a child would be so thoughtful.

“Don’t look at me.” She opened the front door. “I’m just the messenger.”

Vasili finished torturing me
with stretches and exer
cises, then stopped me when I headed for the door.

“Actually,” he said. “I only scheduled you for today. Truth is, I need help with my lines.”

I laughed. “Are you serious?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek.

I slapped his arm. “You’re serious.”

“I’m doing this for her. I’ve never acted before and I feel like a fool.”

“Don’t.” I set my bag on the chair by the door. “Do you have the script?”

“Brought two.” He handed me a rolled up stack of paper. “Thanks. I know it’s just family, but I don’t want to disappoint her.”

“She’s impossible to disappoint, it seems.”

He finally relaxed a bit. I unrolled the papers and looked at him. He tensed up again, clenching his fists and jaw.

“Are you okay?” I said.

He paced back and forth and stopped in front of me with his hand on the door knob. “This probably isn’t the best idea. I’m ... Natalie may not like this.”

“You really think she’d be jealous of someone most little kids think of as a monster?”

“If she isn’t ... she’s not seeing what I see.”

I rubbed the side of my neck and looked down. “We’re like brother and sister. You said so yourself.”

He nodded. “Right. You’re right.”

We stared at each other as a curious silence formed between us. His eyes were not as vivid today. I thought I noticed less life in his voice throughout my therapy session, but I figured it was Anastasia.

“Everything okay?” I said, fiddling with the papers. “You seem a bit ... off.”

“What is love, Sarah? Can you answer that? Do you know?”

“Well, we all have our own answers to that, I guess. It’s different for all of us.”

“Is it?” He tapped his rolled up script against his leg. “Natalie wants me to move to Los Angeles with her. She was given this offer to work for a salon that does a ton of celebrity work right in the heart of LA. This is her dream.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I didn’t.

“I’m Greek.”

I laughed. “Yes. You are. So what?”

“We’re about family and tradition. Simplicity and ... well, okay, the truth is I don’t want to leave Lancaster. This is my home. But if I’m not willing to make the slightest sacrifice for my wife, what kind of husband does that make me? I should be willing to do whatever makes her happy, right?”

“You’re asking the wrong person.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because. If I did whatever made James happy right now, he wouldn’t be happy later. Neither would I. What he wants won’t make the right part of him happy, and I’m not sure I want to please that part of him. So ... I’ve made him miserable and he’s doing his best to return the favor. All in the name of love.”

He smiled. “Are you saying moving out there would give Natalie a temporary happiness that isn’t the right kind of happiness?”

“I don’t know. Is there a right or wrong happiness?”

“I guess there’s happiness ... then joy?”

I shrugged. “I guess the real question is not whether or not you’re willing to sacrifice your every desire, because I think, knowing you, that you are, but maybe you need to ask yourself if the same things bring you both joy? We’ve all got tickets to the same destination in life. Every one of us. But we get to pick the flight we take and the stops on the way. Maybe she wants a different plane and that’s what’s bothering you.”

He rubbed his chin. I spaced out, contemplating the words that came out of my mouth and wondering where they came from. Then I remembered. Fourth of July. I was sixteen and I wasn’t as content in my singleness as my best friend. She was willing to wait for the right one while I wanted someone, anyone, to kiss under the fireworks.

My father noticed my downcast spirit as the fireworks adorned the sky with specks of color. He pulled me into his chest, kissed the top of my head, and said, “Life isn’t always about fireworks. Your fireworks will come, Sarah. And they’ll fizzle out just as fast. Life’s an experience, not a destination. All of us have the same destination, but not one of us has an identical experience. You’ll find someone who will be there when the fireworks fizzle out and the sky turns black and love you just the same. That’s the one to hold onto.”

I looked at Vasili. “Life isn’t about romance. It’s about love.”

And with that, I left him to his thoughts. And me ... to mine.