Blurred Lines (Behind Closed Doors Book 2) (6 page)

My eyes connect with hers. She nods at me and I know she understands I'm too fragile to talk about it. She doesn't protest when I ask my brother to rid me of the slobbering child and bring her back when she resembles something more like Ashleigh.

“Okay.” He chuckles as he offers his hand to her. “But it might take a couple of hours.”

“You cheeky son of a—” She gasps and swats and kicks his hand away. “—my best friend, ever! Gets attacked and you're—”

“God!” With one hand around her waist Sean effortlessly hauls her off the bed and cradles her in his arms as she squeals and wriggles in protest. “You're such a drama queen!”

“It's an occupational hazard,” Ashleigh quips and their eyes meet. They smirk and start laughing. I look at Wayne as he looks at me. His silent question passes between us. Did we miss the joke? I shrug. I have no idea what's tickled the pair of them. She's just barely a lawyer. According to Sean, she’s spent the last year interning at one of the best firms in New York, Worthington and Associates. There’s nothing more mundane and less dramatic than running around for the daughter of Judge Worthington all day and all night. I mean come on! Talk about on best behavior at straight lace central or what!

“Come on.” Sean sweeps her out the door, still cradled in his arms and as it closes I hear him say, “And you can tell me all about date number three with Dex Leighton over coffee.”

Some things never change.

But it makes me wonder if Ashleigh's grudge was over Wayne at all or maybe her stubborn streak just got in the way of getting our friendship back on track. After all, it's clear her feelings for my brother haven't changed. If anything, they're stronger than ever.

“Is it me...?” Wayne is thinking out loud. I know, because his eyes have a glassy look to them. “Or is that the most intimate non-marital, non-sexual, non-blood related, cross gender relationship known to mankind?” His eyes cleared as they locked with mine. “I mean, I'm actually jealous. I'd love to have that kind of relationship with you. There's nothing between them. Not one boundary or topic off limits. Nothing. Nothing at all.”

I disagree. Sean's marriage is a constant pink elephant in the room and I guess I understand what it’s like to want something you can't have because Wayne and I had that burning between us and it was awful. I honestly don't know how they live with it because acting on how we felt was awful. But not acting on it was torture.

“But they can't do this.” I wiggle my index finger at him and he climbs on the bed beside me. I kiss him. I kiss him until a groans rumbles in his throat and he reluctantly pulls away.

“Okay.” His voice is thick. His eyes burn with all the naughty things he wants to do. “You win.” He grins. It's a wicked grin and it sets off the butterflies in my stomach. “I'd rather have this.”

I know the dance of anticipation in my tummy is supposed to be a good thing, but it really is not and I wonder if sex will ever be the same for us because right now...all I can see when I close my eyes is the guy who nearly killed me and ... well, there's part of me that wishes they'd never told me what he did to me while I was unconscious. Sometimes, it’s better not to know.

“Precious?”

I freeze. I didn't realize I'd mentally stepped back in time until Wayne's hand sweeps the hair away from my face. A shudder runs through me.

His eyes search my expression. “Don't,” he whispers. “Don't go back there, Jules.” Eventually his eyes settle on the bruise on my face. “I'm so sorry, Julia. This is my fault. If I hadn't...” He looks away. “Then you wouldn't have ...” He shakes his head. “And he wouldn't... he could have killed you and it's my fault.”

“If it wasn't me it would have been someone else,” I whisper. But in my head I know that's not true. I wasn't an opportunity, I was a target. He knew my name and he knew who I was engaged to. He was expecting me to drive down that road. He was waiting for me.

Wayne's eyes meet mine again. “But I'd got the wrong guy.”

“But the police make mistakes all the time. You're only human.”

“Oh God, precious, I brought you into this life. I'm so sorry. You have to go back to New York. I'll get another job and I'll come back too but you can't be here. You're not safe.”

“Don't do this to yourself, Wayne.” I shake my head. “You asked me to come with you. You didn't force me to and I choose to stay because I love you.”

“It's going to drive me insane,” he whispers. “Not knowing if you're safe.”

“I'm safer here than New York because I have you to protect me.”

“I swear to you, I'll never ever do that to you again.” There are tears in his eyes again. “I'll never let anything bad happen to you again, Julia, I promise.”

I know with every ounce of my being he will never break this promise to me. “Its okay, Wayne.” I draw his face towards me. “It doesn't matter in the bigger picture.” I want to kiss him. Tell him everything's going to be alright but it isn't. We had plans. There was a future we had mapped out and it's been obliterated. My lower lip trembles. It’s my fault we can't have what we want anymore. My eyes fill with tears. There is no volume to my voice as I say, “You wanted babies.”

“No, precious, I only want you.”

Chapter Seven

Thursday afternoon a heavy uncomfortable sigh comes through the telephone's handset on speakerphone that's lying on my bed. I've just challenged Ashleigh's comment about Sean. They're best friends. For her to tell me he's jealous of another guy is unheard of. She doesn't see the green eyed monster the same way the rest of us do. But apparently, my brother is jealous… and possessive… and she’d like to know how long they have been dating for because she'd like some of the extra benefits that comes with dating if that's what he thinks they're doing!

This is good, I tell myself. It's better than thinking about the children we won't have or the future we've lost. I also tell myself if I think about other things for a little while it won't seem so bad. But it does. Because the temporary distraction is like a dam and when I remember, the pain breaks through and it hits me with a tidal wave of sudden heartache and loss. I'm twenty-five and I won't ever have children. And then the tears start and I have to remind myself that it's not impossible for us to have children. It's just going to be really, really, really hard to conceive and then carry a baby to full term.

Ashleigh finally gives up her silence. “Sean is just being unreasonable.”

I can totally believe that. Since he returned from their coffee shop outing on Monday, Sean's been like a bear with a sore head and I haven't even seen Ashleigh at all. I think she's lying when she says she's working on a case... maybe working on avoiding something... or rather someone. But then again I'd be avoiding Sean's foul mood too if I had a choice in the matter but he's 'taking care of me.'

“Sean knows that after Wayne I swore I'd never waste anyone's time again for the sake of keeping Mom off my back.” Ashleigh sighs again. “If the magic's not there then it's not there and no matter how hard you try you can't make it happen. I'm mature enough to admit that I shouldn't have reacted about you and Wayne the way I did, Jules. It was childish and totally unnecessary. It was going nowhere and things would have only got worse for Wayne and me. I mean, you can only watch a rabbit come out of the hat so many times, right? Maybe this way was better. You know, like the proverbial band aid, because you guys have magic, I saw it.”

There's more. I hear it in her voice what was really going on in Ash's head that night. “You were jealous?”

“No!” I think she protests to quick. “Um, I guess... maybe a little.” But why? She has everything she could ever ask for. “Because I ... you... you went for what you wanted. To hell with the repercussions. And there were repercussions, I made sure of that.”

The admission surges my blood. How dare she? But I really want to focus on what's happening here and I think this is a conversation we have to have if we're ever going to be the friends we once were. So ... she was jealous that I caved into my feelings for Wayne? I think this means she knows she can snap her fingers and Sean would leave Anna and yet, she won't do it. So this thing with my brother has nothing to do with doing the right thing. It's fear and the only thing I know Ashleigh is afraid of is the press. What if they found out? The life she's worked hard for would be over.

“Julia, I'm so sorry for everything.”

“You know, apart from putting a wall between Sean and me, you've kept me from getting a job for the last three years by holding my portfolio hostage. Was revenge fun for you?”

“You think—” Ashleigh aborts whatever she was about to say. So I wait. I just leave the silence hanging between us because I'm pissed but I don't want to argue with her. When she speaks again the bitchy sting has left her tone. “I can't believe I'm going to say this, but do you know who I am?”
Really?
It isn't like Ashleigh to pull this kind of crap. “I'm Krystal Valentina, I have two television awards. My sister and I were the stars of the biggest sitcom of the nineties and ten years ago that stupid angel and devil shot Mimi and I did for Halloween was syndicated in magazines all around the world. I’m still being paid royalties for that picture. Do you know how humiliating it was to have my boyfriend run off with you?”

“Lil' ol' me? Gee, thanks, Krystal,” I hiss. I can't believe she believes that over-hyped bullshit. So what? Who cares? It was years ago and she didn't want any of it anyway so what does it matter?

“Don't call me that,” Ashleigh snaps.

“Why not? It's who you are, isn't it? Or did I miss the point of your humiliation?”

Ashleigh sighs again. “No. But it wasn't you. It could have been anyone. When your mom is as infamous for socializing as she is for her acting and your sister and her fiancé are Hollywood's golden couple, falling off the paparazzi radar is near impossible. I've worked so hard for years to slip into your world, Julia, a world where I don't have to look over my shoulder, a world where I can have lunch in the park, go on a date, even kiss a guy in a public place and not worry that it’ll be tomorrow’s headlines. I can just go about my life and no one else cares. It's all I've ever wanted for my entire life, and then you... and ... and he... well, it was one hell of a reality check. And I ... I felt ....”

“Like an unlovable piece of crap.”

“Yeah.” The word comes out on a gush of air through the phone and I nod. I've been there. I know exactly how it feels, which is why I believe what I did was a million times worse. But Ash, she doesn't seem to agree. “Regardless of what I've achieved in my life already, it makes me no better than you or any other girl.” She stays silent for a little while. “But in my world, I only have to make one phone call and neither of you would be able to move for weeks, possibly months, without the paparazzi following you everywhere. Revenge, as you put it, would have been easy when you’re talking about the guy stupid enough to step out on one of the Valentina twins.”

Part of me feels sorry for Ashleigh. She gives off this impression of confidence and she's successful in everything she does, but I'm only just coming to realize that she is afraid of it all falling apart. Afraid she'll have to come back to Los Angeles and the life she hated so much.

“Don't let her fool you, Jules.” Ashleigh gasps as I look up from the telephone handset. Sean is leaning against the door jam. “She's not above revenge games. I wouldn't let her do it.”

Ashleigh laughs nervously down the phone. “We've really gone off track,” she mutters really quickly and changes the subject. “What I was trying to say was I want what you have and Dex is the first guy I've felt that connection to in a really long time.”

Sean's bitter snort brings me right back to the real reason Ashleigh called in the first place. My brother's unreasonable reaction to Ashleigh dating Dex.

“I'm going to see him tonight,” she tells me.

“Again?” Sean barks at the cell.

The silence on the other end of the line fills the atmosphere with a familiar awkwardness that I hate. My bedroom suddenly has that unpleasant feeling like when you walk into a room full of people and they all stop talking to look at you. I'd forgotten how socially awkward I feel when Ashleigh and Sean are together.

“Yes again.” Ashleigh snaps at Sean and his eyes darken but he doesn't reply. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Don't lie to me. What is so inexplicably wrong with Dex?”

“I don't have a problem with Dex, I've never met the guy.”

Ashleigh makes a sound similar to a pressure gage being released. “Whatever your problem is, Sean, just get on with it or get over it. I don't care which as long as you just do something because I can't live with you like this. And I’ve tried to put some distance between us so you get used to the idea, but you’re not making it easy for me.”

“Cut out the dramatics, Ash, it's been three days.”

It's a little like watching a tennis match as their voices ping pong back and forth. I've never seen them like this. I don't quite understand what happened to the most intimate non-marital, non-sexual, non-blood related, cross gender relationship known to mankind. In fact, a better analogy would be a horror flick because I can guarantee if one of them doesn't give then this is going to be a blood bath.

“For fuck's sake, Ashleigh,” Sean eventually shouts. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to be happy for me,” she cries. “As I was for you.”

“No, you weren't!” Sean spits back. “You told me marrying Anna would be the biggest mistake I'd ever make.”

“Is that what this is about? You think Dex is a mistake? At least he makes me happy which is more than I can say for Anna.”

“I don't care what you think about my wife, and I don't give a fuck who you’re dating either.”

Wow, this is brutal. After years of secretly wishing they'd just get on with it, I actually wish I wasn't a fly on the wall, because it's obvious they both have forgotten I'm here.

“Yes, you do!” Ashleigh's high pitch scream blasts through my room almost as though she was here in person. “Do you know how fucking embarrassing it was to sit in that church with everyone whispering and pointing and betting on whether I'd object to the marriage? But I was there for you and I stood by you when you made a colossal mistake and I watched you pretend it was the best fucking day of your life, and I did it even though less than twelve hours before you told me you loved me. And I have never, ever, thrown that back in your face. Never. Because you made your choice and I respected that.”