Board Stiff (Xanth) (22 page)

“Too many for me to dissuade,” Pewter said.

“I could lay them waste,” Astrid said. “But I’d rather not.”

“Maybe you should take off your clothes and freak them all out,” Ease suggested.

“And you too?”

“I’ll close my eyes,” he said insincerely.

“Wouldn’t work anyway,” Tiara said. “Some of them are women.”

“I note that there is a tea tree in the center,” Pewter said. “There must be a reason.”

“It’s growing the wrong way,” Astrid said. “See, the teacups and saucers are all upside down.”

“But that’s reversed,” Tiara said. “The tea will all pour out.”

“Who cares about a fouled up tea tree?” Ease demanded. “We’re about to get sliced and diced by two fighting armies!”

“It’s a pun!” Mitch said, a gray bulb flashing over his head. “A reversed tea tree is a tree tea. A treaty!”

The tree became a table with a scroll and pen on it, as well as two steaming cups of tea. The two armies halted just shy of combat. Two leaders came to the table and signed the treaty. Then they drank the tea. Then they and their armies vanished.

“It seems we navigated the first challenge,” Pewter said dryly. Maybe he could have used a cup of tea himself.

“All because Mitch got the pun,” Tiara said adoringly.

“Well, my village did suffer from the Great Pundemic,” Mitch said. “I’m sort of attuned.”

They started forward again, but of course there was another Challenge. A huge flock of parrots flew up, filling the air. “Go away!” they cried. “This is our territory. You shall not pass.”

Just so. “They don’t look as bad as harpies,” Mitch said. “But I doubt we can get through them without getting seriously scratched.”

“Or pooped,” Astrid said.

“I could whack a path clear,” Ease said.

“No!” Tiara cried, horrified. “Don’t hit parrots!”

“Again, too many for me to dissuade,” Pewter said.

“And again, I don’t want to hurt what I’m sure are nice birds,” Astrid said.

“We need to find a peaceful way to pass them,” Tiara said.

“There has to be a way, if we can just figure it out,” Mitch said, looking around. “But all I see is that mounted camera.”

“Set up to take pictures of them,” Tiara agreed. “Some of them do have very pretty feathers.”

They considered the camera. A plaque said PARA SHOOT. That confirmed what it was for. But how could taking pictures clear the way?

Then Kandy got a notion. She sent it to Ease.

“In Mundania there’s something called a parachute,” he said. “It’s a sort of cloth cone with strings attached. It is used for floating safely down when folk jump off high places. Maybe this relates.”

“It is a pun,” Mitch agreed. “But how can it help us?”

“Let’s find out,” Ease said. He went to the camera, pointed it at the birds, and clicked the button.

A parrot squawked and changed into a little gray parachute. “I’m polly-ester,” it said. It floated slowly to the ground.

“Well, now,” Ease said. He clicked again, and another bird became a parachute. He kept clicking, and more of them changed. Soon the ground was littered with fallen cloth.

When the last parrot was gone, they walked on to the moat. Once they were through, the scattered swatches of material dissipated into mist and floated away.

They stood at the edge of the moat. There was a drawbridge, but it was up, and evidently not coming down for them. This was the third challenge.

“I don’t suppose we can swim across?” Ease asked doubtfully.

As if in answer, a giant gray reptilian head rose out of the water and surveyed them. A muscular gray tongue slurped across massive sharp gray teeth. Gray saliva dripped. As if? That was no coincidence. The moat monster had heard and answered.

“I suppose I could stare at it,” Astrid said.

Dark glasses, similar to hers, appeared, covering the monster’s eyes.

“I might persuade it to ignore us,” Pewter said.

A second, more feminine monster’s head rose, evidently its mate.

“But two would be difficult,” Astrid said.

“I might send them thoughts of going to the other side of the castle,” Mitch said.

Five smaller heads broke the water: their cubs.

“But I am limited to one thought at a time, to one creature,” Mitch said.

“I think the Good Magician saw us coming,” Tiara said. “I’m pretty sure I couldn’t float high enough to avoid them, and that wouldn’t help the rest of you anyway.”

All seven monster heads nodded agreement.

“We will need a boat,” Pewter concluded. “A covered boat, perhaps an armored one. That means we probably can’t paddle or row it ourselves.”

“As it happens,” Mitch said. “I see a metal boat. That must be what we need.”

“And it must have something wrong with it,” Astrid said.

“Which we’ll figure out how to fix,” Ease said. The other didn’t comment. Kandy knew why: Ease tended to have more confidence than was justified, because of his talent of making tasks easy. What they faced was bound to be beyond his talent.

They examined the boat. Not only was it metal, it had its own pilot, a robot, seated at the rear. Actually, the robot was bolted on. In fact the whole boat was a waterborne robot. “This is one of the steam robots that once threatened Xanth,” Pewter said. “Until Magician Trent defeated them in battle. Thereafter they became reasonably good citizens, and one even interbred with a human woman.”

“You mean they summoned the stork together?” Tiara asked. “I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Virtually anything is possible, with sufficient magic. Their son was Cyrus Cyborg, who will marry Princess Rhythm in due course, having romanced her when she was twelve.”

“She did say she was the naughtiest,” Tiara said appreciatively.

“She did use a spell that aged her a decade for the occasion. But yes, she was phenomenally naughty. At any rate, I see this robot, or more correctly row-bot, is fully equipped for the transit, with seating for our party. But it is not clear why it is inanimate. I see that it has a supply of wood for fuel, and its parts look operative.”

“Maybe I can ask it,” Tiara said. She seemed to have a certain sensitivity for people and things, especially those in trouble. She got into the boat and faced the face of the robot head. “Can you see me? Can you hear me? Can you understand me?”

There was no response, but she didn’t give up. “I’m going to kiss you. If you are aware of me, kiss me back.”

Kandy found herself admiring the young woman’s technique. If anything could melt the metal heart of a machine, that would be it. She must have had a good deal of recent practice in kissing.

Tiara kissed the robot’s faceplate where its mouth should be. Then she drew back a bit. “You did!” she said. “You kissed me back!”

Kandy realized that only a stone could have been unmoved by the pretty girl’s kiss. But was she imagining that the metal had responded?

Now the robot made a sound. “Sssss.”

“Yes,” she translated. “Can you tell us why you’re not moving?”

“Ddddd.”

“Dry,” she said. “But you’re floating on water.”

“Oooooo.”

“Oil!” she exclaimed. “You’re out of oil!”

“And so froze up,” Pewter said. “Of course. I’m a machine. I should have thought of that.” He considered half a moment. “But I’m not the same sort of machine. I’m electronic, while you’re mechanical. I don’t have your kind of oil.”

“There is our challenge,” Mitch said. “To find oil for the row-bot, so it can propel us safely across the moat.”

“There’s our challenge,” Ease agreed. “There must be oil somewhere close by. Maybe some oilcloth, oil paint, or cooking oil.”

They looked around. There was nothing nearby but a barrel of monkeys. No oil.

“Still, there may be some devious connection,” Pewter said.

Ease went to the barrel. The monkeys decamped, leaving it empty. No help there.

Then Kandy saw something squished in the very bottom of the barrel. WHAT IS THAT?

Ease picked up her thought. He reached down inside with the board and pulled up—a mass of gray grease. In a moment it animated and jumped to the rim. It was alive, or at least sentient. What was it?

ITS A GREASE MONKEY! Kandy thought with sudden revelation.

“A grease monkey,” Ease echoed.

“Marginalized by her companions,” Tiara said. Somehow she knew the gender. “No friends.” She of course understood that sort of experience. “We need to find her a friend.”

“A friend,” Astrid echoed. She too understood.

“Who would want the company of a blob of grease?” Ease asked.

“A dry robot,” Pewter answered.

And there it was. Tiara did the honors. “Grease Monkey, there is someone who desperately needs you,” she told her. “Because grease is similar to oil, and he’s out of oil. Let me take you to him.” She put out her arm.

The monkey considered briefly, then jumped to her arm. She carried her to the row-bot. “Row-bot, I have brought you a friend. A grease monkey.”

“Ooooo.”

“Yes, similar to oil. Stay close together and both of you should do well.” She set the monkey down before the robot form. “Climb all over him,” she told the monkey. “He will love being close to you.”

The monkey did, embracing the metalwork. Soon the row-bot began to move, at first creakily, then with greater authority. “Thank you, human friend,” he said. “You have brought me the girl of my dreams.”

Kandy felt Ease start at that. He knew about dream girls.

“Now we’d like to ask a favor,” Tiara said.

“Yes, I will take your party across the moat,” the row-bot said with increasingly smooth enunciation. “I overheard your prior dialog. By all means board.”

They boarded, taking the five available seats. The robot grasped the oars and rowed out into the moat. The moat monsters didn’t even try to block it; the challenge had been handled.

In no more than four long moments they were at the inner bank. They disembarked. “Thank you, Row-bot,” Tiara said.

“You are more than welcome,” the robot answered. Then he and his new friend rowed back across the moat.

They stood before the main gate of the castle. It was open, and a gray woman stood there. Kandy recognized her from before: Wira, the Good Magician’s daughter in law, with her baby. “Hello a third time,” Ease said.

“That’s right, we met in Xanth,” Wira agreed. “But this is not quite the same. Please come this way, all of you.”

They followed her into the castle. “Not the same?” Ease asked. “Apart from being gray?”

“Apart from that, yes. Here some of the rules are different, such as those for marriage. Magician Humfrey has all five and a half wives attendant.”

“All five or six!” Astrid exclaimed. “Doesn’t that become quarrelsome?”

“Not at all. They are all old friends, and support each other. It is Humfrey they can get annoyed at.”

“Annoyed?” Tiara asked. “Why?”

Wira paused in the hall. “I suppose it is better that you know. MareAnn signaled the stork for a baby, and Humfrey, caught by surprise, made the stork handle three Challenges. It was unable to get through, so the baby has not been delivered. MareAnn is distraught.”

“Well of course she is!” Tiara said. “We helped with a similar case in Xanth.”

“You did? Oh, maybe you will be able to help us here. Except--”

“Except that such assistance would represent a gift,” Pewter said. “And gifts cause changes in size.”

“Yes. That is why nobody else has been able to help. It would be invaluable, and MareAnn can’t afford to gain that much size.”

“Gain?” Tiara asked. “Don’t you mean lose?”

“No. MareAnn is the most generous of the Wives. She has done favors for all the others, and given freely of herself throughout. That’s why she can’t come out herself to get her baby: in the castle we are protected from the give/size equation, but the moment any of us step outside it, those equations will take effect. MareAnn would become a giantess, unable to get back inside.”

“The poor woman,” Astrid said. “Her own generosity is depriving her of what she wants most. She’s that way in Xanth, too: she enabled me to assume this form and join the Quest. Had she done that here, she would grow and I would shrink.”

“That is true,” Wira said. “Pyramid is a very nice planet, but there are some disadvantages.”

“We have to help her, somehow,” Astrid said.

“But if we are constrained by the magic of this planet,” Mitch said, “we can’t.”

But Pewter had the logical answer. “We have come to ask the Good Magician a Question. That baby is his too, isn’t it? We can exchange this service for our Answer. It should be about even.”

“Why yes, it should be,” Wira agreed, surprised.

“Which suggests that our arrival here at this time is not entirely random,” Mitch said. “The Sequins of Events know what they are doing. We have had relevant experience on a prior Event, so are competent to handle this one.”

“Not entirely random,” Tiara agreed. “I know how to do it now.”

“Let’s get on with it,” Pewter said.

They resumed their walk down the hall. Soon they came to the main room. There was a strange veiled woman awaiting them. “Hello, Quest members,” she said. “I am the Gorgon, Wife of the Hour.”

“The Gorgon?” Tiara asked. “We expected MareAnn.”

“I see you do not appreciate our system,” the Gorgon said. “We prefer not to get in each other’s way, so we designate one Wife for each hour of the day while the others relax. The Designated Wife handles whatever business occurs in her hour.”

“Oh, I have admired you for so long!” Astrid said. “You have the death stare.”

The veil oriented on her. “Do I know you?”

“No. I’m not a person. I’m a transformed basilisk. But we all esteem your qualities.”

“A basilisk!” the Gorgon said. “Then your appreciation is genuine.”

“Oh, yes. We basilisks can only kill with our looks. You transform folk to stone. That’s superior magic.”

“We must get better acquainted,” the Gorgon said. “Seldom do I encounter a cousin of the trade.”

“Oh yes! But may we go see MareAnn now?” Astrid asked. “At least Tiara and I, to see about assisting her with her difficult delivery?”

“Why yes, I suppose that would be in order,” the Gordon said. “Meanwhile I will feed you males some refreshments. I just curdled some milk; it’s my specialty.”