Board Stiff (Xanth) (17 page)

“We need to know somewhat more of your situation,” Mitch said. “Why did you not answer our prior queries?”

“Oh, did we overlook them?” the centaur asked. “A clerical error, no doubt. We’ve been quite busy here doing important things, and it must have slipped our attention. Come down and we’ll go through the records and discover the glitch. I’m sure it’s nothing be concerned about.”

Mitch opened his mouth, but hesitated. Something was definitely wrong.

Then the screen split. Another centaur appeared on the right side, a haggard creature with straggly hair and mane, sores on his body, and a general attitude of despondency. “Don’t land!” he gasped. “Flee immediately! It’s a trap!”

The centaur on the left glanced across. “Pay no attention to that creature on the other side. He’s crazy, a known lunatic.”

“They can’t touch the ship while it remains in space,” the bedraggled centaur said. “But once you land, they’ll—”

There was no more. His whole screen had disappeared.

“As I was saying,” the suave centaur said, “come on down. We’ll have a grand party and catch up on recent events. You will love it here. You’ll never leave.”

Captain Grey made a chopping motion with his hand. The screen went blank. “It seems we have a situation,” he said grimly. “Show of hands: which side seems more credible? The left or the right?”

All hands pointed to the right.

“So we are agreed,” Grey said. “The centaur colonists are captive to some dark power. That is why they have not answered prior queries, and have responded only now that our ship is in range. Should we flee?”

“The bleep!” Ease said, then added “Sir.”

“Point taken. We stay, of course,” Grey said. “We will orbit the planet while we decide what to do. We will not act rashly, but we will act. We shall now dissolve into separate discussion groups to consider our best course of action.” He turned away.

“Now this is interesting,” Tiara’s hair said. “Of course we know who is behind this.”

“We do?” Mitch asked.

“Capital D Demoness Fornax. She hates Demon Xanth and is always messing him up if she can. Far out as this colony is, it’s still in Xanth’s territory, because Fornax is from a whole separate galaxy far far away.”

“Fornax,” Mitch said. “I’m not conversant with big D Demons. How does she fit into the hierarchy?”

“Well, that’s complicated to explain.”

“I’m curious too,” Ease said. “If there’s any likelihood that we shall have to deal with the Demoness, we’ll need to know as much about her and the Demon framework as we can. Aren’t Demons all-powerful?”

“Oh, yes. But that’s not the whole story.”

“Anyone else want this information?” the hair asked.

“Yes, demoness,” Captain Grey said. “We are all interested.”

Metria was so startled she floated right up out of Tiara’s hair and coalesced into a cloud. Tiara’s hair sprang immediately to wildness. Then the demoness formed into a luscious woman figure with tight clothing just shy of the minimum standard of decency. Half an instant before all male eyes glazed, her bikini expanded into more competent coverage. She was of course a tease. “If that’s the way you feel,” she said. “If I may borrow the mirror for this purpose.”

“Borrow it,” Grey said.

Metria drifted up to the mirror, which illuminated for her. “No mortal or lesser demon knows how many Demons there are, or whom they may be,” she said. “But I have been around a while, a few centuries, and have picked up tidbits. There are about ten local Demons, and innumerable Dwarf Demons, which are below the Demons but above anything else. Each has its associated world and power. The Demon Xanth, for example, governs the Land of Xanth. In fact, all of the magic of the land of Xanth is the mere leakage of radiation from the skin of the Demon Xanth.” The screen showed the outline of the peninsular Land of Xanth, with the word MAGIC.

“Similarly the Demon Earth associates with Mundania, and his magic of gravity suffuses that dreary realm.” The globular planet Earth appeared on the screen, together with the word GRAVITY. “The Demoness Venus has her own planet as the weak force, though it is weak only compared to the power of other Demons. The Demon Jupiter has his own big planet and the strong force. The Demon Mars has electromagnetic force. Demoness Saturn has the power of dimension; anything measured in any way relates to her. The Demon Neptune relates to mass and energy, and the Demon Nemesis to dark matter. There are others, but you get the picture.” Indeed, the screen was now full of planets and descriptive words.

“What about Fornax?” Mitch asked.

Metria flashed him with a brief fade-out of her clothing, showing her overstuffed bra and panties. That shut him up. “I was getting to her. She’s from a whole other galaxy, a million or so light years away. Why she messes with us I don’t think anyone knows. Her power is contra-terrene, CT (seetee), or anti-matter, the reverse of ours; it would take a scientist to explain it properly. Let’s just say that any of us who might touch any of that would disappear in a horrendous flash of energy, unless special arrangements were made. She and Demon Xanth have had Demon run-ins. I think she had her eye on him and thought to seduce him, but he married a local mortal girl instead, and that annoyed her.” Metria smiled grimly. “It is not wise to annoy any woman, but especially not a demoness, and totally not a Demoness. They say Hades has no fury like that of a woman scorned. That’s an understatement. Hades is too tame a term; that region associates with the Dwarf Demon Pluto, and Princess Eve now helps him govern it. So if we are up against Fornax, and I think we are, that second centaur’s advice is good: we need to get far, far away from here in a hurry hurry hurry, because she will have no mercy.”

“Thank you for that summation, demoness,” Captain Grey said. “Assuming that we are not going to flee, what is your advice?”

“Appeal to some other Demon to help. Nothing short of that will balk her.”

“And if there is no Demon convenient?”

“Hide as long as you can, for what little that’s worth.”

“And there we have it,” Grey said. “We shall need to come up with something very special to have even the slightest chance to save ourselves, let alone rescue any centaurs. Let’s return to our pondering.” He walked away.

“Metria, why have you elected to be so helpful?” Mitch asked.

“Because your Quest has gotten really interesting, and I want to see it move on to the following mysteries. You’ll never get there on your own.” Then the demoness dissolved into a ball of smoke, floated to Tiara’s head, and infused her hair, which became absolutely neat again.

“Which leaves us in a picklement,” Mitch said. “The Captain refuses to do the sensible thing and flee back to Xanth, so we are all doomed unless we figure out a way to stop a scorned Demoness.”

“I wonder,” Astrid said. “If the Demon Xanth married a mortal girl, there must be some appeal to mortality, even for Demons. I wonder what it is?”

“It’s their souls,” Pewter said. “Demons are souls of a sort, but don’t have souls. Human souls are fresh and new and strong, and D/d demons are fascinated by them. Metria married a mortal man. But souls are also severely limiting for demons, so they are cautious.”

“Souls,” Astrid repeated. “Exactly who has them?”

“Human folk, or part human folk,” Pewter said.

“I am an animal. So I don’t have a soul?”

“That is correct. Neither do I, because I am a machine.”

“Where in a person is the soul?”

“In the Soul-R-Plexus, of course, the center of the body.”

“Is there any way for a non-human to acquire a soul?”

“Yes. Jumper Spider acquired one via his prolonged close and intimate association with several humans. But the easier way is simply to marry a human. Then you will get half his soul.”

Astrid smiled sadly. “If only I could do that.”

“Your body and personality are more than adequate to attract a man. You merely have to discover a way to be close to a man without killing him.”

Astrid returned to the subject. “So is there any chance the Demoness Fornax would be romantically interested in a mortal man, such as Mitch or Ease?”

“No!” Tiara cried in emotional pain. Kandy understood exactly how she felt.

“There is a chance,” Pewter agreed. “But so small as to be inconsequential.”

“Still, that’s better than outright doom. Maybe some other man aboard this ship.”

“Grey Murphy is already married,” Pewter said.

“Do Demons care about that?”

“Probably not,” Pewter said. “That is, not about mortal marriages. Marriage to a Demon would be another matter.”

“Someone needs to sacrifice himself,” Grey said. “I will do it.”

“Captain, you can’t,” Mitch said. “The mission needs you.”

“Then I need a volunteer.”

Oh, no! There was a protocol. Kandy saw it coming and couldn’t prevent it.

“I volunteer,” Ease said. “As First Officer the security of the ship is my prime concern. Beam me down. I will distract Fornax while you land on the opposite side of the planet, rescue the centaurs, and take off. Then you can beam me back up.”

“That may be a considerable challenge,” Grey said.

“My talent is to make things easy. I can do this.”

“A Demoness is far beyond your talent.”

“We’ll come too,” Princess Melody said.

“Hidden,” Harmony agreed.

“As buttons,” Rhythm concluded.

The three vanished. Ease’s shiny jacket buttons expanded slightly.

“Very good, Ease,” the Captain said gravely.

In no more than a moment and a half, Ease was in the beaming station and reforming on the ground below. He landed in a centaur paradise of open meadows and flowering trees. There was a localized rain shower, but a convenient paved walk circled around it so that no centaur needed to get wet. There were nicely kept stalls pleasantly spaced, stocked with all manner of foodstuffs and beverages, none of them remotely punnish. Healthy centaurs worked in the fields, harvesting fruits, vegetables, grains, and gathering stones to build stalls and rushes for plaiting into roofs.

“I’m not a centaur,” Ease said. “But this seems idyllic.”

“It’s all illusion,” the top button said. “In reality, this is a barren plain, with emaciated centaurs laboring in chains to break rocks.”

“Because this is a mining operation, for rare earths,” the second button continued.

“So the Demoness Fornax can make a better interface between her and normal matter, so she won’t go up in smoke,” the third button concluded.

Kandy concluded that she liked having the three princesses along. They were a useful source of information.

But Ease, being a typical male, believed mostly in what he saw. “I wouldn’t mind living in a place like this. Especially if my dream girl was along.”

“Well now,” a dulcet voice said. “What a handsome man.”

Ease turned. There was a lovely bare woman. She had luxurious midnight hair to her slender waist, dark eyes, and a cute face. Kandy was amazed: this was herself! Ease would have freaked out had she been wearing panties; as it was he was in an instant chronic daze. “Who are you?”

“Don’t you recognize me? I am your dream girl.” She did a slow pirouette that nudged him dangerously close to freak-out.

Kandy realized that Demoness had read his typically male mind, and picked up that memory. She had mixed feelings about that. She did look pretty impressive from this perspective. She was glad that he had picked up on her assets. But to have someone else steal them to impress him annoyed her.

“My dream girl!” he exclaimed, amazed. “But that’s impossible! She comes to me only in my sleep.”

That was only the half of it, Kandy thought. If only it could be her real body addressing him in this manner, instead of her remaining the board.

“That is true on Xanth,” the woman said. “But this is Alpha. Different rules obtain.”

“Different rules?” he asked blankly.

“I could not come to you openly in Xanth, because it is not my dominion. But Alpha is halfway neutral territory, at least for a while. Come to me in my own domain, and our love will be complete.”

Then Kandy was sure. Fornax, faking a familiar form!

“Fornax!” Ease echoed.

“Of course. Now at last you know the identity of your dream girl.”

That was a bare naked lie. Kandy was his dream girl. But she couldn’t clarify that without giving away her presence to the Demoness, who must have been so sure of her power that she never checked the buttons or board. But what did she want with Ease?

“I don’t get it,” Ease said. “Exactly why couldn’t you come to me outside your domain? What’s yours?”

“Mine is Fornax Galaxy, of course. It consists of contraterrene matter, otherwise known as antimatter, CT for short. It is the exact opposite of terrene matter, with positrons instead of electrons, and--” She broke off, seeing his blank look, then tried again. “When terrene and contraterrene matters meet, they destroy each other in total conversion of mass to energy. This complicates social interaction. So I had to come to you in your sleep, so that we could interact without destroying each other. But here on neutral ground we can interact. Come love me at last, you handsome man.”

CAUTION. Kandy hoped the Demoness would not pick up on her warning to Ease.

“You’re a Demoness, but you want a mortal man?”

“A
handsome
mortal man. Let me show you how wonderful it can be.” She approached him, lips pursed.

But he was understandably wary. “What do you really want?”

“Apart from your love? It would help if you signaled your ship that it’s safe to land, so that everyone can enjoy this perfect place, as the centaurs do now. But right now let’s forget all that and enjoy our love.”

Ease was sorely tempted; Kandy could tell. But he also knew that a Demoness was unlikely to have a simple romantic interest in an ordinary lout like him. “I don’t know.”

Fornax sighed, in the process doing fetching things with her bosom. “Oh, I have been naughty to tease you so at night in Xanth. I should be punished. Spank me.”

“Spank you?”

“Spank me,” she repeated firmly, presenting her shapely bare bottom. “Then forgive me so we can make phenomenal love.”