BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (104 page)

"But you know where I work though, don'cha'? Know what I do! Ain't no secret! Why yours a secret?"

"It ain't no secret!" She snapped, letting him get to her.

"Ya'll gone start argin' and stuff? I'on care where mama work, I got me some sharp clothes for once. Chill, man - why you trippin' Max?!" Lil'Kenny inserted.

"Thank you baby! This how men get sometimes, when a woman starts making a little money, they get all insecure and shit! Don't you be like that when you get yours one day." She included her son, because she figured he would be the perfect distraction to put Max off of asking anymore; so she thought.

"Don't involve him in this like that! So now what, you gone start teaching him to dis' me?!"

"Why are you trying to start an argument?!"

"'Cause I don't appreciate you trying to pull no shit with me! Lil'Kenny is just that - he's a little boy that wants shit - right now, he couldn't give a good goddamn how you got it, long as he can get it! 'Cause he young and dumb that way! But you not gone sit yo'ass up in here and try and play me like I got the goddamn problem - talkin' that shit!" He shoved the plate of food away. "Get this fuckin' shit out of here, I don't want this shit! You can take this shit and stick it up yo'ass! Insecure 'cause you workin'! Ain't that 'bout a bitch! Don't you ever fuckin' dis' me in front of him again!"

Moniqua felt her face burning, not sure what to do to calm him down. She didn't want to argue with him, because that wasn't going to help her, steer him towards his father. And truth be told, now that she'd gotten a taste of having money, she couldn't go back now - not back to being broke. If she lost Max, there would be no reason for his father to stick with her, to give her more money. She thought about the money she had left, she decided she had better chill on the spending. Sock some away because if she couldn't hold onto Max, both sources of her means would be gone.

"Look, I didn't mean, to disrespect you. I thought I was doing something good here, come on baby - don't start no argument over something so trivial." She tried to calm him.

Max stood pushing his chair back and left the room.

Lil'Kenny sat, no longer hungry.

Moniqua's eyes went to him, "Finish your food."

"Can we just go?" He asked instead.

"No, we can't just go. I have to fix this. Don't you want me to fix this? I thought you liked Max?"

"I do, but he mad - why he got to be trippin'?"

"He'll be all right, finish your food." She coaxed, standing from the table heading for the bedroom where he was. He was leaning against his bedroom window, arms crossed over his chest, looking out of it.

"Baby come on, let's not fight tonight."

Max turned to her, "Tell me where you working, that'll end the problem."

"I'm working for Manpower baby, but that job assignment was for just a few days. I'm back to being unemployed until they call me again. I was so happy to get the money, I stupidly spent it all on Lil'Kenny and on me for a few things and then, this dinner. Back to being broke." She lied.

Max stared at her long and hard, thinking, his mind ticking over. He couldn't erase the feeling that her getting money was just a bit too close on the tail of Oscar T. showing up at his place and her learning that he was his father. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he was jumping to conclusions, but he knew how money hungry she could be. "I'm gone say this to you, right here, right now - I find out you been lying to me, gettin' money from somewhere, or - someone for something you shouldn't be into - you can step the fuck right up out of my life. No lie, I mean that shit. You hear what I'm sayin' right?"

"Deg, why you got to come off all hardcore on me and shit?! Haven't I always been here for you? Everything I do, is for you!"

"You know what, don' even come in here with that. Everything you do, is for you! If I didn't have a goddamn job, and give you something besides some dick, your ass would be off some damn where else. This - we both know."

"I love you Max, you know I love you. I know I'm not perfect and yes, I do talk some shit - but I'm human and I have to make it like the next person."

"Get - a damn - job!"

"I got one, and look what's happened, we arguing about it."

"That's not why we arguing, and you know it. Still ain't told me where they sent you to work." He pointed that little tidbit out, staring her right in the eyes.

"At the Photomat store, I worked in someone's place for a few days." Her mind was racing with what she would need to do to prove it if he pushed for proof. She remembered the girl there, she wondered if she could get her to lie, for five hundred dollars? She was certain she could, she would have to go there first thing tomorrow morning and pray that she was there.

"The Photomat?"

"Yep, now do you see why it was nothing to brag about? I stood entering negatives into a machine and selecting the good from the bad and and stuffing pictures into photo sleeves, no biggie. And I suppose I'm gonna have to take you by there tomorrow for lunch or something to prove that too! If you want to take it that far, I can - it's no big deal." She bluffed and prayed.

Max exhaled, thinking, maybe - just maybe, he was overreacting. Jumping to conclusions, getting paranoid.

"Well?" She pushed and then stepped up to him, slowly circling his waist with her hands, "Come on baby, I know it I didn't cook it, but I bought it, with my last - dinner for us. Let's go enjoy it? No more arguing okay?"

Max sighed, giving in for the time being.

*

La Jolla Cove

Crystal lay in bed, her mind in reflection of this day, of this adventure in L.A. Of course when she lay thinking in the night, Victor as well, always came to mind, she couldn't help that. Her boys, Victor and Ben. As she lay, she decided that she was glad that she'd decided to come away with Shawn, it was a decision she did not regret. She had needed the breather given. She'd needed to see there was more to her life than what she knew so far. She was also starting to feel different about the way she saw her marriage. She was no longer back and forth, insecure, and unsure about what went wrong, she - beyond a shadow of doubt, was starting to clearly see it.

She saw it so clearly now thanks to Shawn, and how he was with her mother.

She saw it so clearly now thanks to the way Ben - treated her, treated her children.

The way she felt with him was totally different from the way she was made to feel with her first husband. It came through with startling clarity that she and Victor, were not friends. They had had little in common. What they had, was plenty of attraction. Followed by, lots of sex. Incredible sex. He had electrified her with his aggressive onslaught, taking her breath away. However, once more, what did she have to compare it with? While that had never made a difference to her, she realized that maybe, just maybe, she'd taken that aspect of their relationship to mean that they were meant for one another, despite the fact, that once they rose from bed, they really - didn't - like one another.

Not really.

She could see all the times when they eased around one another so as not to stir the littles things between them that could be said to bring about strife and decention. She saw herself back then as so young and so wowed by him. She had been so naive and sheltered, due to her mother trying so hard to protect her. When he turned his attention to her, she had needed what he gave, so - she thought. Now, as she lay, her mind kept now asking, why? Why had he married her? An aching, ugly idea suddenly materialized in her mind, that in truth, she had a feeling that he really didn't like her. But he liked that he had been the one to take her virginity. It made him feel good about himself. Suddenly, Crystal lay realizing, that maybe, just like her - he didn't feel good about himself either and he needed what he could brag concerning her.

Even so, the deeper she searched for the answers as to why, she knew one absolute truth, before his family, he had not been proud of her. Not proud enough to bring her before them as a prize that he would share with them and treasure. He had not stood for her to sing her praises of why he'd chosen her, not at first, not in the beginning. The longer she had been with him, the more he began to make her feel as her father made her feel. Inadequate, lacking, not quite good enough to bring before his white family gathers, but good enough for his bed. As if their home was apart of another world, the world of their peers, of their generation, which was not included in the world of his mother, father, their immediate family, uncles, cousins - the Prescotts. He left her in the world of his peers, and secretly stole off with their sons, to his family - because thank goodness - they were very close to looking like him, white. She at times wondered what he would have been like with their sons had they looked more like her? As it was, Darren looked like her, had more of a tan than Isaac did; it was easy to spot that he was mixed - as it was, he still struggled with them, but at least - he made attempts, lacking as they were.

As she lay, she began dissecting and separating him, from the sex.

What she saw, was a man who had not fought for her, he'd only fought for
himself
. Fought his peers, or any man who dare try and touch
his
, good thing,
her
. It was not about her that he would knock the hell out of someone, but about
his
image - how it made
him look
. That was the reason he tried to keep her from doing more than he thought she could successfully achieve; heaven forbid she should fail and do something stupid, it would make
him,
look bad; her failures would reflect back on him, as if he knew his mother would look at him and say, see? He couldn't have that. As she lay, Crystal realized that she'd always known that about him, one of the reasons why she attacked him, hit him - to burst his bubble of bombasity. It was a nasty, immature way to respond, she could see that now as well. At the time, she couldn't have controlled her attacks if she wanted to, and at the time, she hadn't wanted to, she'd wanted to knock the looks off of his face that made her feel he was looking down his nose at her, as if he were her superior. Thus, why he would not bring her before his other family - he was ashamed of her. It hurt to see it, admit it, but what else could it be?

She shook her head.

There was no if's about it. So if he'd been ashamed of her - why marry her in the first place? She lay wishing that he'd just agreed to support their child and left her alone. But then, she would have no Darren.

Once more, her mind went to Ben.

There was no shame in him, with her. None.

He was so proud to be with her, it showed in his body language. She could see it. When Victor had stared her down, it had been an act, to get her attention, it had been a move, a successful one to let her know, I'm after you. When Ben stared at her, it was with a gentle longing that made her heart ache. While Ben was very confident, strong and well learned, he was not stuck on himself. Not like Victor had been. Victor absolutely had to look good before other's to feel good about himself. Crystal smiled, so she gave him black eyes and busted lips. Shaking her head,
'That was wrong! You know you were wrong.'
Thinking about it, she wondered why he stayed with her? Something told her, it was once more, to do with his mother. Then something occurred to Crystal that made her lean up in bed, her back against the head board. "You married me to get back at her ... that's why you did it. Oh my god." She sat thinking about it. That's why at times, she got on his nerves, making him say things to her that hurt her, and thus, when she couldn't take anymore, she struck out at him. She thought about her last attack on him, in her mother's basement. He'd said what he'd said in front of her and Shawn, once more to make her feel little in front of her mother. It had worked, she'd felt such heat, that nothing could have stopped her from attacking him. It was the first time her mother had actually seen the way things actually were between them. The only good thing, was the make up sex. Because she would fall into fears of losing him, begging him not to leave her. Crystal's face burned from remembering all the times she'd begged him, crying, not to leave her. Because she couldn't bare the way it would look to everyone else. She realized she was no better than him in that, afraid of looking low, lacking.

Again, Ben.

Nothing, nothing ever in anything he'd ever said or done, made her feel - as if she were not good enough. He never made her feel as though she had to prove herself to him. He thought she was smart. Special. Incredible. And whatever she gave, when she freed up and gave, he cherished it, treasured, longed for her. He hung onto her every word, listened to whatever she had to say. Ben ... actually, liked her. She could tell. She knew that were she with him, he would fight - for
her
. His aggressive attack on someone concerning her, would not be about what was
his
- in the way Victor did. Ben's attack would be about no one daring to disrespect her in front of him. His attack would be about preserving her sense of peace, her sense of dignity, that she was a lady, worthy of respect and he would let no one, give less before her. She smiled. She knew that about Ben. Because he was, his father's son. He was made up of all the good things, from Shawn, from Jake, from his father, Quincy. If Ben took her before his family, she knew it in her heart, that he would be so proud. That he would treat her as if she were the greatest thing in his life.