BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (105 page)

Unlike Victor.

No such thing had ever happened with him. Everything he did, was to try and keep her down, under control, even though he learned too late, he could not control her. He had tried to talk her out of things, told her she couldn't do this or that. Told her she would never make a success of what she pursued because she was trying to do too much. It hadn't been out of concern for her, but fear that she would embarrass him. Like the time she signed up to sell Mary Kay cosmetics. She'd proven him wrong and gave him back every dime of the money she took to do it, his money. He'd acted like she'd stolen from him. Still, after she gave him back all of it, there had been no praise, no -
"I was wrong, I should have believed in you."
Nope, no such words ever came from his mouth, not even close. He'd simply taken it back saying,
"Don't ever take any chances gambling with my money again, you were lucky this time."

Lucky - my money...

When he'd said that, she'd wanted to slap him then too. Because it had hurt. Shamed her. Made her feel, that she had no right to what was his, as if she should be content with what he'd done in marrying her and providing for her. That money had not been theirs, but his. She never touched it again. From that moment forward, she made her own money and didn't ask him for another dime. Any clothing she bought for herself, she made the money to shop for them. Any personal needs, came from the money she made. Even the food they ate, she worked to shop and buy it, deciding not to ask him for that either. He paid the rent. The lights, the heating. Paid for his own lunches for work. And put the gas in the car when he used it, because it had been hers. He said they couldn't afford to buy a new car because things were costing him enough. Again, thinking back to it, Crystal shook her head. To be fair, she was able to finish school, but she worked all while she did, selling Mary Kay, making good money. Not once did he give her any praise for her efforts in helping to keep things from being a strain on him. She began to feel, that she was there, to give him sex - but take care of herself, while he kept the roof on. As if they had an agreement, room mates sort of speak. Then she'd gotten pregnant with Darren, his reaction had been,
"Haven't you been taking your pill on time?"
To which she answered,
"I forgot a couple of times ... sorry, it won't happen again."

"Yeah, well, too late to be sorry. I am the only one working here and I'm not made of money."

Oh the argument that came from that.
"Excuse me, I sell Mary Kay!"
She'd defended.

"Yeah, but that's not a real job is it? That's not going to really take us anywhere, especially now that you're pregnant
again
!"

"Hellooo, you did get me pregnant again - have you forgotten that?!"

"Whatever, if you'd kept to taking your fuckin' pill in the morning, it wouldn't have happened. You're not one of those who'll be popping out babies left and right are you?"

"You know what, fuck you! Okay... fuck - you!"

"Oh here we go, turning to violence instead of admitting you messed up."

She'd bitten into her tongue, restrained herself with all of her might, grabbed up Isaac and took off out of the house.

Again, Crystal imagined that scene if it had been Ben, she'd been married to. Some how - she imagined he would have celebrated it. She just had that feeling about him. As she scooted herself back down into the bed, she lay there feeling sad, because she wished, it had been Ben she'd met so long ago. Nothing he could ever do, touched her so much as seeing the way he was with her sons. They looked up to him - trusted him - sought him out - just as much as they did Mundo. Neither of them had ever been that way with their own father. That had bothered Crystal and so, she'd tried to break off what was happening between them and Ben. It had been a one day fight that she quickly gave up on, because they needed what he gave them, if they didn't, they wouldn't search so for him. She knew first hand, what it was like to have a father that didn't dote on you, love you, hug you, kiss you, treat you as if nothing and no one, was more important. Her sons deserved that. They deserved to be loved, doted on, guided and taught by a strong father figure - their own father! But something told her - that was not in Victor to give them.

She smiled, reaching the conclusion, that she was glad, he'd taken those papers, signing them, and then turning them in. He had done, the biggest favor to her, that he could ever do. She smiled, giggled... she was - free!

Free to start over!

Free to focus on what she really needed for her boys, for herself.

Right away, Ben came to mind.

She shook with her inner gladness.

She knew she shouldn't feel this way, but she felt wonderful in his presence. Being with him, made her feel on top of the world. He raised her up. With him, it was like being with the best kind of friend ever. She'd given it a day to avoid him and ward him off. That day, she hadn't felt the same. As wrong as she might be, she wanted him around her, but - she didn't want to have to give over her heart just yet. No, not yet. The right thing to do, was to remain friends ... for ... a little while. While it might not be fair to him, she would do all she could to maintain that. This time, she would not jump the gun on a relationship. She would give herself the time she needed to be free, at least for a while. But, when the time came to decide whether she wanted to be with someone, it was easy to see, that he ticked all of the boxes for her.

Not only for her ... but more importantly, for her boys. Any decision she made towards a future for their lives, had to be more about them, than even herself, because they hadn't asked to be brought here.
She'd
decided to bring them into the world, so her first responsibility was to them. Right now, she was going to take a breather and enjoy her new found womanhood. Attend the anger management meetings with her papah-Shawn - get herself together. While she did that, she would also see, just how real Ben's love for her was. If he meant the things he said to her, then - he would understand and wait for her.

She turned over hugging her pillow - unable to remove the grin from her face. Never had she so much fun as she'd had on this trip. Thanks to her papah-Shawn! As far as she was concerned, her mother's good find, had blessed them all. She knew, that all that they were starting to enjoy about life, was because of him being in their lives. Yet, while it was her papah that brought these things to be, it was the presence of his son, that made it that much more a dream vacation. When they'd been scuba diving, it had been the most gratifying experience ever. It was as if she were in a dream world of disbelief. Underwater exploration, thanks to Shawn and Ben, she would never forget it. She noted that Ben had stuck to his guns and acted as a friend for the rest of the day, albeit a very attentive friend. He restrained himself from the subtle touches to her hand, arm, elbow - back. Restrained himself from gazing into her eyes with longing that could not be mistaken. If she caught his gaze, he immediately cut it away. He, Angela, Mundo and her were as a family of siblings, sort of. Light hearted, playful with each other, she and Angela against him, Mundo and her boys. There was a part of her that wished they could all just stay right where they were, all together, from now on. But then, that would delay her getting on with her life, and delay the divorce. Now - she wanted it - more than ever, she was ready to move on.

Before dropping off to sleep, she gave a bit more thought to her soon to be ex-husband. She wondered where was he and what was he doing? She felt a slight twinge in the pit of her gut, because despite everything, she still felt connected to him. Even when she knew him, knew that more than likely, he was with another woman, now that he'd signed the papers to be free of her. "No, don't think about that! Just go to sleep!" She coached herself, knowing him as she did. He had a way with women, could get one easily. He could never be alone - he was too hyper, high-strung - needing someone around to stroke him one way or the other. She figured he was out right now, more than likely having a good time, celebrating his freedom. Shaking her head, she set her resolve not to feel hurt about that, because right then, the notion, the thought of him being with someone else, made her stomach hurt. Even though she was thinking of Ben, Victor was still her husband, the father of her sons. Regardless of her thoughts, realizations, insight and conclusions, one didn't just throw off what they felt inside, even if what they had wasn't right. She'd always wanted it to be right.

"Let it go Crystal ... let him ... go. Go to sleep, count your blessings and accept, that that part of your life is over - it should have never been in the first place." She murmured softly in the night and then, took a very long and deep cleansing breath, closed her eyes and waited for sleep to deliver her - yet, her stomach still hurt a little, her grin, her smile was gone, and against her will, tears gathered and fell - because immature as she was at the time - she had loved him; crying as she was, obviously, to some degree, still did.

*

Wisconsin... 3am

It was almost time for his lunch, Victor looked across the assembly line at the wall clock from the machine he was in the middle of fixing. He turned back to it, his mind not on his work. He didn't really need his mind on his work, because he knew what he was doing without even thinking. Without even thinking about that, that is. His thinking for the time being was disturbed by his fears. He was spinning right now. Spinning because he hadn't been in touch with Crystal for too long now. Since their separation, he had not let this much time pass by without at least calling her, or making some kind of contact with her. He may have let a few days go by, but no more than that. Without admitting it to himself, he knew how important it was to keep him in her minds eye by his presence or his calling her. Didn't matter if they were fighting or not - a constant reminder that he was in her life, her husband and to remember that, was the reason. He stopped what he was doing because he couldn't get over the fact that she had actually gone off somewhere in California and hadn't tried to reach him once, not once!

"What the fuck is going on!?" He blasted to himself. Not knowing was messing with his head. She was his wife, separated or not, she had no right to take off and not tell him! Not ask him if it was okay to take his boys off with her like that. He was anxious and if he could get a hold of her, he would start some shit for sure. People were asking him questions, wondering what was going on with them. Talking about them, about him. The fact that he had no answers made him feel just a bit unsettled, embarrassed. After all, all that knew him, knew how he was, knew how they were. The fact that they fought, with him getting a few knocks and bruises from her wasn't a big deal, because he knew how to explain it away. Because of his reputation for fighting at the drop of a hat, when he was seen with bruises, it was automatically assumed he'd been scrapping. If anyone asked him after their fights, "What happened to you?" His answer would be, "Trust me, I'd rather mine, than his."

If word got out that he'd been hit by Crystal, his answer would be, "She's funkin' hell that time of the month, had to run for my life!" In which all would crack up laughing, giving him their full sympathy. He could explain all the rest away, but this absence of hers, that, he could not and it was really really starting to get to him. He'd given up too much for her to start pulling this on him. Finally, he'd left his parents house, telling his mother off and this was his reward for it? Shaking his head, sometimes he wondered if he'd been too soft on her. While he didn't care for hitting women, never really made a practice of it, she was starting to get to him.

"You better not be out there fuckin' around, I swear to god, you better not be!"

He knew he was thinking crazy, but the fact was - she had never let this much time go by without calling him, checking on him, them! He knew that she was crazy in love with him, regardless of her volatile temper. As he already admitted to himself, he'd pushed those buttons and knew there were times when he'd pushed her over the edge. He'd even gone so far as to admit that he actually loved her. And he did. He saw what he'd done wrong and was willing to work on himself for her. It's not like he actually had to work on himself, he'd chosen to. Truth was, he could get another girl in a blink - and she knew that. So he couldn't help but wonder, what kind of game was she playing? Was she trying to get him to panic? Maybe be the one to come crawling back? In a way, he was already doing that. He'd left his mother's house, gotten their old place back - took on side work, making good money, prepared to splurge big time on her to win her back and - she was gone! Gone with no call to him, no message for him, no number for him to reach her, nothing! It made him feel uneasy. She was his and his alone! Few could claim what he could, that their girl, wife, had been a virgin! That they were the first and only, the one and only! He could! It was pissing him off that he didn't know where she was, what she was doing, or for that matter, doing what and with whom. He kept calming himself down, because he knew that she was with her mother, with Shawn, that it was a family trip. But California? Where there were all kinds of surfer guys! All kinds of men, that would see her, and yes - want her! Go for her! The question is, would she respond? Could someone turn her head? Could she meet someone that could or would make her feel like going to bed with them? He was getting angrier and angrier with his thoughts. At least if she were there, in his reach, he could just show up, and yes - coax her into bed. No matter how they fought, he always took her to bed to remind her what she had with him. To let her know, that he was her man, that she was his and no one else was allowed to do what he did to her, no one! When he took her, he took her hard and heavy, driving her so that she had no choice but to come with him. He made sure of it, so she would never consider looking for another, not after he got done with her. He knew her, knew her body, knew what it took to make her come. It was when he was his most aggressive with her, because he knew, she needed it rough, hard and unrelenting. Sometimes he was tender with her, but truth of it was, he enjoyed it most after a fight, because fucking her hard was how he regained the advantage over her, reminding her, that he was the man. When he was on top of her, going at her, there was nothing she could do with him - but take it - take it until he brought her to a climax and then he would ride her until he reached his own. When rough, is when he came the hardest, the best and yes, in a way, a fight preceding it did turn him on, it was a stimulus that kicked off his passions like nothing else could. In a way, that was another reason he felt he loved Crystal, she was like playing with fire. She was like surfing in dangerous waters. She was like climbing a mountain that with one slip, you could lose your grip and fall. She was like bunji jumping - she was ... a rush. She ignited his adrenaline by going off, thus giving him the upper hand to control her, dominate her, and fuck her the way he most enjoyed it.