Bond On Bond (14 page)

While in Japan, Jim took full advantage of visiting their version of Q-Branch in
You Only Live Twice
. He marvelled at the mini-rocket cigarette Tiger Tanaka demonstrated – capable of shooting a jet-powered dart accurately up to thirty yards – and quipped, ‘This cigarette can really save your life.’

Then there was dear Little Nellie: the Wallis WA-116 Series 1 autogyro, assembled (and disassembled) to fit into several suitcases. Nellie is armed with rocket launchers, air mines, machine guns, rear-mounted flame-throwers and infrared-guided AA smart missiles. The idea for her inclusion came one morning when Ken Adam heard a radio interview with Nellie’s inventor, Wing Commander Ken Wallis, saying he’d relish the chance to pit his little autogyro against ‘the big boys’. She certainly did him proud in the movie.

When Sean departed the series and George Lazenby stepped in there was a distinct lack of gadgets. Okay, there was radioactive lint, a safe cracker and a prototype Xerox machine, but not much else to excite us technical geeks. Bond was to rely more on his wits than Q-Branch. Wits are good, but gadgets are fun, and thankfully more were in evidence when Sean returned for
Diamonds Are Forever
, which featured the pickpocket’s hated snap trap; a fake fingerprint to trick Tiffany Case into believing 007 is Peter Franks; and a voice changer that Blofeld uses to fool employees into thinking he is Willard Whyte and, subsequently, Q uses to fool Blofeld.

The most profitable of all gadgets, however, was a little ring that prompted every fruit machine to pay out a jackpot. Desmond said he collected up hundreds of dollars’ worth of coins from the machines when the scene was completed, and decided rather than take them home he’d feed them back in to win an even bigger jackpot. Alas, the F/X guys had long gone home and the magic ring was of no use … he lost the lot!

But more lovely toys were to come when yours truly stepped into the role in 1973. Apart from the Bug Sweeper, a Clothing Brush Communicator, a Shark gun that fired special highly pressurized air pellets and a genuine ‘Felix Lighter’ radio transmitter/receiver, there was a brilliant state-of-the-art Pulsar watch that illuminated to show the digital clock face.

There was also a lovely Rolex Submariner given to Bond by Moneypenny, after being repaired by Q. This was no ordinary watch. It featured a powerful electromagnet that was said to be able to deflect a bullet. More importantly, it could be used to unzip a lady’s dress. I was ever so disappointed when the F/X boys said it didn’t really work, and that Derek Meddings would instead have his hand up Maddy Smith’s skirt, pulling the zip down using a piece of wire. Lucky old Derek. Constant retakes did mean I got to spend the whole day with dear Maddy, perfecting my technique. Ah, if only I could find a working prototype of that watch today … I could give Maddy a call to see if she fancied re-enacting the scene. The Submariner also featured a spinning bezel that acted as a rotating saw, enabling Jim to cut his rope restraints and escape a pool full of man-eating sharks and then go on and rescue Solitaire.

Did I ever get to keep any of the gadgets, is something I’m often asked. Alas no, they were whisked from set as soon as filming ended for the day. Shame, as I could earn a nice pension on eBay.

In my second outing, it was the villainous Francisco Scaramanga who had the great gadgets. His legendary Golden Gun was assembled from a pen (the barrel) inserted into a cigarette case (the firing chamber), a cigarette lighter (the handle), and a cufflink (the trigger). This gun is limited to just one golden bullet, which are all handcrafted by speciality munitions manufacturer Lazar – they are all 4.2 mm (an unusual size) and made of twenty-three-carat gold. The bullets flatten upon impact.

In
The Spy Who Loved Me
I of course had the wonderful Lotus Esprit and all its gadgets, but in addition was issued with a handy ski-pole-cum-gun, modified to fire .30-calibre rounds from a four-shot magazine in the handle. I saw Michael Billington off with that.

Then there was a Seiko Quartz watch. It was the second film to feature the brand after a major tie-in for
The Man With The Golden Gun
, but this was the first film in which it had a purpose – a ticker-tape pager that allowed MI6 to send important messages to Jim. The Seiko was back in
Moonraker
, though this time with the added bonus of a high explosive charge and remote detonator incorporated. It accompanied the wrist dart gun, capable of firing both cyanide-coated and armour-piercing darts. Jim used that to save himself from an out-of-control centrifuge simulator and then kill Hugo Drax. It’s never a good idea to get into an out-of-control centrifuge simulator without one, let me tell you.

I was also armed with a safe-cracking device concealed within a cigarette case; a mini-camera imprinted with 007; and a laser gun. Oh, and I stole a poison pen from CIA agent Holly Goodhead’s toys. Bond used this particular gadget to dispose of Drax’s pet python. I think when you have to act alongside a twelve-foot-long rubber snake – and try to appear more animated than it – you know you’ve cracked this acting lark.

My trusty Seiko survived to accompany me in
For Your Eyes Only,
where it received digital message read-outs and operated as a two-way radio/transmitter for voice communications, much to the Prime Minister’s surprise.

The main object of the film’s story was to locate and retrieve the Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator (ATAC), which had been lost when the British spy ship
St Georges
was sunk. This device controlled all of Britain’s Polaris nuclear submarines and could either render them inoperative or coordinate them against major Western cities or, heaven forbid, against Britain herself. In its pursuit I helped Q load up the Identigraph device to assemble a photo of our suspect by selecting characteristics from a variety of lists including hair colour, hairstyle, nose form, style of eyeglasses etc. Poor Desmond Llewelyn had terrible trouble setting up the machine and remembering his complicated lines, so I took over the technical end and it worked rather well.

When
Octopussy
came around, the Seiko graduated to containing a universal radio direction finder, working in conjunction with a listening device inside Bond’s fountain pen and the fake Fabergé egg. I also employed loaded backgammon dice – though not in my games with Cubby – and a Mont Blanc fountain pen that contained a mixture of nitric and hydrochloric acids. Have you seen the price of refills for those things?