Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (33 page)

Thank you and I will talk to you later!

Odetta

Dear Bonnie –

I am so proud to write this letter. I have finally filed for divorce from my Gay husband!

I remember searching the internet after finding Gay porn on our home computer. I came across “Bisexuality” and similar sites. However, the best thing I came across was YOU. That was over two years ago. After discovering your Website and Newsletter I began my quest to find the truth.

I just knew something was not right with my marriage and my husband. We had been married six years and together a total of seven. I am now 37 and he is now 43; however, we never made love and he became increasingly more and more critical of me. I had begun to suspect he was having an affair or that he might be Gay.

I had always been this independent, magnetic, high-energy woman. I knew I was attractive, but always felt my personality and brains were my best features. When I met my husband, I owned my home that was paid for (at age 30…bought it when I was 19). I had money in the Bank, dated constantly and swore, “I’d never get married.” When I met my GH, he however, had bad hair, bad credit and lived in a 1 bedroom apartment. However, I still fell for him hook line and sinker. Love truly can be blind. For a while anyway.

I cleaned up his look, his credit and moved him into my home. I rescued him continuously from a failed business and continuous unemployment. I was the steady. I loved his parents and took care of them until they both subsequently passed away. I did everything for him. It started out slow (he was the lost puppy I needed to rescue) and eventually I ended up doing EVERYTHING. And he resented me for it too! When he was down and out, I was the greatest. When he had a job and was earning a decent pay check, he turned into a cold, mean and selfish person. Disconnected is the best way to describe him.

This was the slow tortuous process of manipulation I experienced. It is all a mind game to convince you that YOU are the problem, when your Gay husband knows dam well what the real problem is. I am now convinced my Gay husband was nothing more than a sociopath. Scary.

Your February Newsletter inspired me to write to you. I too am tired of playing “detective.” It was consuming me. I was allowing this deceitful and selfish man to steal my self-esteem and my spirit. I broke the pass code and got into his e-mail and found an e-mail proving once and for all that he was in fact GAY! It read exactly like this:

“Thank you for your kind note. I too don’t look like, act like, walk like, talk like…nobody ever would think might be eh?
[As if it was a
joke that he could fool everyone]
. I am a 36-year-old male with a serious business side; I think you’ll like the entire package. I’m looking to hook up with a black male, anything mutual and SAFE.”

After I picked myself up off the floor (I’m not kidding), I literally slipped off the chair in my office when I jumped back. Several things in his e-mail immediately struck me. The first was that he was lying about his age. Can you believe it? It’s bad enough he is lying to his wife and everyone else, but he could not even be honest in the Gay world. He is 42…not 36. The other thing that struck me is his reference to his “package.” Eh um…his “package” is rather small (smirk). The ONLY thing that gave me ANY relief whatsoever is that he capitalized the words SAFE.

Now that I have let this “cat out of the bag” to my friends and family (that took awhile), we have all had a chuckle over his lying email. But please do not think I find this deplorable situation in the least bit funny. This has been one painful journey for me.

I have gone through several stages to get to this point. Here they are:

1. Denial – No way, it can’t be so…it must be my fault! I’m not doing enough for him. I’m not a good enough wife.

2. Anger – Why isn’t anything I ever do good enough? I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, clever & witty enough. I probably expect too much from him and I am too demanding. The list was endless. However, deep down, the anger was building like a Volcano.

3. Grief – Depression, uncontrollable crying, hopelessness, feeling worthless, unable to climb out of bed. Drained by my knowledge rather than relieved.

4. Acceptance – I have realized it’s not me. IT’S HIM! I finally filed for divorce on February10, 2005. After seven years of marriage and TWO wasted years of stages 1 through 3, while playing “detective,” I spoiled his Valentine’s Day!

I’m now working on my final stage:

5. Gratification. I will become not only the person I was before I married my Gay husband, but even better. I will be stronger, wiser, and hopefully more humbled and compassionate toward other people going through divorce. Gay or not Gay, it is horrible!

I finally got up the courage to contact his ex-wife. (Another reason why your February Newsletter inspired me). Apparently he had 10 jobs in 10 years with her. And he had 5 jobs in 6 years with me. She made me feel better. I wasn’t crazy. He was distant and cold to her as well. Her friends tried to tell her he was Gay, but she didn’t believe it either.

I take responsibility for my part in all of this. I didn’t follow my instincts. I found excuses to stay married because I wanted to believe in the fairytale more than in my life. Thankfully we have no children to burden with this mess. Yes, I am still sad. I wanted children. Five years into the marriage, HE decided we would have a better life without children. I would agree to anything just to please him and gain a few “crumbs” of affection.

He was working on his next victim until a few weeks ago. During my draining work as a “detective” I found out her name, and her roommates cell phone number, so I called the friend and told her to warn her girlfriend about my husband. (I figured it may come easier hearing it from someone other than me). Especially because I heard through the “grapevine” that my husband is playing the poor little abused victim in all this. He has portrayed me as an irresponsible drunk that spent “all his money.” (What a joke). He had NOTHING when he met me and would not have a pot to pea in now if it were not for me. See how easily they fool the next woman? Poor, poor me…my ex-wife was just so awful, blah, blah, blah.

Believe me, I’m no Angel. I know there was more than one
occasion in the last 2 years that I have drank too much wine, but I was
incredulous when I found out the B.S. that was spewing from his
mouth.

What the heck, I can’t save the world, but he is still MY Gay husband for now, until the papers are final. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to allow him to do this to another woman on my watch.

Wow…there are so many great things both you and other women have shared that knocked me in the head like a lightning bolt. Thanks, I needed that.

Please feel free to share my letter if you want to. I would also like to know how to get into your “chat” room. I recall something about it earlier when I looked into your Website.

This is still extremely difficult on me and I could use some continued support. I would also like to offer my support to anyone out there that is still in what I call “Stage 1, 2 or 3.”

Thank you so much Bonnie –

Rox

Hi Bonnie and all the ladies who contributed to the newsletter

Just over four weeks have passed since my spouse of 20 years (husband now seems too intimate a word) emailed me at work to ask my opinion of him spending “an over-nighty with a boy” I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Hate, anger, love, compassion, denial, and loneliness - the whole gambit of human emotions seems to flood your mind, body and soul. The burning question of WHY? Lingers in every thought. Tears come at the most inappropriate times, I am ashamed of my weakness - I know he is the one squarely where the blame lies but I question myself just like so many women in your newsletter. I wanted to thank you for sending me all the back issues of the newsletter. Each morning I would get up just a little bit earlier than necessary and have my coffee while reading about 5 pages. It was the best reinforcement and support I could have asked for and often that is what it takes to get thru another day. I started a journal at the same time so that I could talk to someone - even if that someone was me.

All of the ladies in your newsletter gave me the courage to confront him in a bold manner. I know he is now a “cake and eat it too” gay man who is using me financially and emotionally. Until I read the newsletter, I never realized how much I missed physical contact even if it was just a hug. I have to beg for even the smallest gesture of affection that he would give so willingly to a stranger for a few moments of lust. I realized how much I have changed my whole demeanor to conform to his ideal of a wife. I am looking for a place that I can afford on my own despite that he wants to stay together -yeah right until the man of his dreams comes along!! We are fortunate not to have any children but we do run a business together in the horse industry and I have the position of Executive Director for the largest horse association in the country while he is a coach and judge. We are known as one of the happiest lucky couples - amazing how easily people are fooled. I will continue to stay in touch and would love to join in on a chat room discussion but the timing has not been right. Thank you so very much to all of the wonderful ladies who survived the ordeal of total rejection.

Vicki

Dear Bonnie:

I was re-reading your June letter again, had I paid attention to it closely I wouldn’t be writing this message. But at stated in your letter, we straight wives always fail because we want to believe that our gay husband will change or can change when in reality that doesn’t exist.

Let me tell you how he got me to think again that things could work out, he started to call me again after getting our marriage annulled, and talking nice to me where I felt so comfortable that I bought into his words, he even told me that we didn’t even have grounds for being divorce, since neither one has committed adultery.

Well, it went on so I started to think it would possible to go back. He even told me about the plants I put in his yard were doing so beautiful that I should go by the house to look at them, to me that was a clear invitation that I felt for.

Well, on Saturday after getting my hair cut, I called him just as we had agreed to. I got there and we saw them, everything went fine, until I hold his hand and started to kiss him to what he refused and say that I was stealing kisses that he would kiss me but if not to steal them. We continue to look at the nice evening view over the mountain, and reminiscing of everything that had happened ever since we divorced. We had the most beautiful conversation, so I continue to want to kiss him and to sit down. He was resisting it, but he would kiss me here and there. So, then he decided to go in the house, I grabbed him as made him sit with in the sofa, to what he told he didn’t want to have sex, I said, who wants to have sex, I just want to hold you close. Then, he said do you know that this could be sexual harassment? I said, I know but I’m not harassing you, you are my husband didn’t you tell me that we don’t have ground for being divorce? So he said, “Well no, I see the advantage of the relationship, but you know I can’t give you what you want.” So, I left him alone. To make this story short, everything went smooth after that.