Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (34 page)

I felt sad again with the realization that nothing had changed since last time. I had the only one mislead again. But anyways he went to my car to say goodbye with a very sweet kiss in my mouse, till then I had no idea of what was coming next. The following week on Monday, July 4, my mother woke me up, saying that I had a phone call from the city he lives in. Picked up the phone, it was from the police department, telling me about a report my ex- had complained about sexual assault, the office told me that nothing to fear, he was not going to arrest me or anything, but he was calling to warm me that he had reported it, and to prevent that I get in trouble because he told them he is gay and he doesn’t want it to happen again. I was so shock like never, ever before in my entire life. I was so afraid at that point because I didn’t want my mother to hear the conversation I was having with the officer so that she wouldn’t worry. It was awful to realize what these undesirable persons are capable of doing. I feel so humiliated, I had to call my lawyer to tell him what had happened, and he couldn’t believe he just suggested that I leave him alone for good, which I intend to do. He asked who had initiated this second attempt to reconcile. I said him.

Bonnie I just wish I could erase it from my life, but I know that’s not possible. The one thing I hope is that solve the issue with credit cards we have still going on, and to ever never see him again. I don’t even want to talk to him, if ever see him I plan not to acknowledge him, he deserves that and more. You don’t do to somebody like me that I have been so good to him what he did.

Thank you for being there for us, sharing your experience. I know at the end of the road there is hope for every woman in this same situation. You are proof of that.

(Name Withheld)

Bonnie,

First of all, I have to say “heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.” It’s been a little while since I emailed you. All is well...I am finally embracing singleness without feeling like a fish out of water. Instead of it being scary to try new things and explore parts of myself that had been “in the closet” with my ex-gay husband, I am now hopeful and inspired to be open and true to myself.

I just finished reading the June newsletter and had to write you. Oh my God, I could relate to so much that you said. You know my story as I wrote you some years back and you were sooooooooooooo supportive of me. And I have to agree with you. This thing about being best friends, soul mates and all that with a gay husband, except sex, is preposterous. Oh the things we tell ourselves to help us stay into unsatisfying relationships. I agree. It is ABNORMAL not only to be married to a gay man but to be accepting of it. Marriage, by its on design and definition, is a public celebration of the level of intimacy attained in a female-male relationship. It says to the world that you’ve picked a person to share your life with and that you trust this person so much as to put yourself in vulnerable reciprocity to them. It is the ultimate definition of unselfishness that deepens over time. I know that may sound lofty in this day and age, but I truly believe that this is what God had in mind. What sets marriage apart from any other relationship? The depth of intimacy. Even in various cultures, sex consummates the marital union. I agree that without sex you don’t have a marriage. You have an arrangement but not a marriage.

I can remember that even when my gay ex and I were “getting along” gingerly, there was always that feeling of lack in the pit of my stomach. There was always that fleeting sadness that got more and more intense as the realization hit that my husband preferred a fun filled platonic relationship and didn’t even contemplate, think about, desire, ponder sex with me. It was like he was showing me a “better way.” Like saying “See, we don’t need sex to be happy.” Ain’t that an absolute CROCK.

And I’ve had friends to say that no situation is any different and my feelings are no different than the ones they felt when their “straight” husbands cheated on them with other women. I beg to differ. You’ve said it in your own words. How can it be the same when your very wiring, your very plumbing, your very feminine essence makes him want to puke. I remember that when I simply wanted to plant a wet, juicy, sensual kiss on my gay ex’s lips, he would jump in horror like I was molesting him or something. He would
be startled and almost fight me off. That is not friendship!!!

A friend does not withhold good things from another, KNOWING he is denying you something that you should be getting whenever the mood hits you. It’s like your very loving, feminine, sensual essence is being drained and you don’t know why the very life is being stolen from you yet he knows why. A friend doesn’t do that to another friend. You don’t pretend that everything is hunky dory and you are stealing from me. You are benefiting from everything about me at my expense. That is sooooooooo cruel. And I feel sorry for women who have set their standards so low for whatever reason.

I don’t plan on being alone and I am convinced that I don’t have to be; but if I had the choice between being lonely with a gay man and being lonely with myself, I’d prefer myself. At least it’s real. At least, I’m not dissin’ me. At least, I know why I am lonely. And at least, there is room for some other straight man who is just waiting for me to show up so he can swoop me up!!!!! Hey!!!!! I don’t want to be the go-to girl for when his other relationships don’t go right. I want to be NUMBER ONE, not number two, three, four, five, six......one hundred.

If he isn’t available for me, then why in the world am I keeping the porch light on for him. He isn’t doing enough to deserve that kind of loyalty. And I’m happy to report that this is not only true when it comes to gay men, but straight men who think they should be given special attention just because they exist. I believe that men only respect what they have to work for. And someone said “you teach people how to treat you.” And the longer I live and experience life, the truer that saying is for me.

So, thanks Bonnie. Keep telling us the truth. Might not be right now with every woman, but the day will come that the smoke will clear and reveal what substandard lives we have lived. And we’ll pull out our newsletters and be sooooooooooo relieved that there is support and life outside the closet.

Suzette

Dear Bonnie,

Remember me, Lynn in Florida. I’m 53 and still with my Gay/Bi husband. I found out 10 years ago and I have been on an emotional roller coaster the last 35 years trying to figure out what was going on. I had learned to put aside the Gay and tried to except my husband as my best friend, companion, to stay married because I loved him, and I’m disabled on an $800 a month income. I am trapped. I read in your newsletter and felt like you were talking to me. Wow! Best friends don’t lie to you or try to deceive you. Companions want to spend time with you not just when it’s their interest. I go to car shows and get together with his friends. He won’t even sit at the table with me to eat. He is so interested in TV that I cannot talk to him about anything. At night it’s “Too late to talk.” Some companion. I feel so lonely and beat down emotionally that I believe almost everything he tells me.

I asked him if the doors were locked yesterday and he said why? No one would want you. He laughed and I thought about what he said and became angry. That was a put down. He said it was just a tease, but I believe it. No one would ever want me if I were to separate. I’m too fat, poor health and depressed all coming about after I found out the truth. When he told me that he had been with many men throughout our marriage, I just thought that if he really loved me he would have taken precautions in and out of the marriage. They were all casual sex. Many he just met on the prowl. Maybe he has a sexual addiction to men. Thank you for being there for all of us. May God bless you. So many of us are hurting and feel stuck with the nice guys. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. If they only knew

Lynn

Dear Bonnie:

Thank you for the July newsletter. I especially felt akin to the letter from Suzette. She is strong and true in her definition of this dysfunctional and wasted-life marriage between gay men and straight women. She addressed the matter so well and it struck many similar cords in my life’s current situation. It helps to see the written word to help sort out what really is happening in my life. I am so sad to hear this happens in so many other marriages.

This marriage set-up is still so foreign to me, yet I have been living it for 10+ years, but unable to define and diagnose what has caused my marital sadness. (So much has come to light for me recently, in the last couple of months.) Also, and especially, since reading your book, as well as your newsletters, I have been helped immeasurably, tremendously.

To realize the cause of my misery and sadness helps me feel understood, and at least like I am not the only one and that I should not feel guilty anymore for my suspicions of this man. He is one of those who thinks that though he had several relations with gay men as he grew up and even into early adulthood (which he just confessed based on information revealed by his ex-wife), but he states that he then made a choice that he preferred women and left all that past history behind once he met a woman he wanted to be with (his first wife who says it was the “marriage from hell”). My marital experience has been: this cold, verbally-abusive, sometimes-here-and-there-fleeting-sexual-moments, sometimes-fun-and-friendship-here-and-there-moments, hate-filled, laughter-and-jokes, threatening, selfish, frightening, and insult-throwing, sometimes-soft-and gentle, sometimes-rage-filled-and-tantrum-throwing marriage-partner kept me confused, took me down from a soft, loving, confident woman, to someone I hardly know anymore...I don’t recognize myself. I have lost who I am in this marriage; this is a form of cruel torture to be in this type of marriage. I just wish he would be truthful and admit what he tries so hard to hide, even from himself, perhaps. But, I am fairly certain he never will admit. He is the example of the gay man who is in denial and will probably always be. I am sure that once this marriage ends, he will find another woman to fill my role in his life (poor unsuspecting person, whoever she might be). He is so handsome and so masculine appearing, that no one would believe this about him. He is also so narcissistic, as well as admitting that he is quite taken by a fine male body (he finds no problem with saying that because he is so self-body conscious and once was a bodybuilder). Yet he never makes usual male type comments or gives long (or even short) looks towards a lovely woman (though this would make for jealousy, it is still common for a man to show some appreciation for a good-looking woman now and then, but this doesn’t happen with him).

He told me when we met and first married that he did not have a huge sex-drive. After 7 years of being single and having to deal with men who only wanted sex on dates, it seemed refreshing and even respectful that he wasn’t out for just sex. Thus began the snow job on me and I blame myself too for not seeing this as a potential problem. I really believed that the marriage vows would release the passion in him. He “performed” as a somewhat believable passionate husband for awhile early in the marriage, but it just never reached close to the height of passion I have always felt, nor was it the great experience a woman has with a man who is straight (it was something in between that I just could not identify, did not want to face, and learned to accept as “his way”, yet it was so unfulfilling for me). He was quite clever at making me feel like I was not the adequate one (not sure how he did this, but I began to feel shaken and believed I was losing it as a sexual partner, and felt more and more undesirable).