Book of Life (20 page)

I looked to Srixon for answers. “How is this?” I demanded, hiding any signs of emotion, trying to find it’s way through, though it couldn’t.

Srixon raised his chin. “When a body dies, we don’t often keep it in suspension as we have with your Jane. We bury it underground, dispose of it, and give it back to the universe. The re-use of a visual body by the powers that be is a common thing. The better question is how or why she has found her way back here.”

My body was tense. “This makes bringing Jane back a challenge. How can we have two Jane’s?”

Srixon shrugged. “Max, you have to remember that it’s all in theory. I told you that I can’t promise the return of your Jane. We have the program of suspension as a form of hope that one day we will find the magick to bring it to fruition. For those of us who live long lifetimes, this is a hope and risk we are willing to take. I told you this. No promises.” Srixon was acting as though he knew what was best for me, like a parent reminding their kid—I didn’t approve. “Now, child,” Srixon went on, addressing this girl. “What is your name?”

The girl turned to face Srixon. Her lips pressed together, her mind locked tight though at times it wavered.

“It’s alright. You can tell us,” he urged, stepping forward to place a hand on her shoulder.

She quickly twisted away from his extended hand.

Srixon retracted his reach. “I apologize. We won’t hurt you. We want to understand who you are, that’s all.”

Who was Srixon kidding? He probably already knew who she was. All this was for show. I let my teeth grind together.

The girl seemed to struggle to form words. I kept my eyes on hers, her golden eyes, so different from Jane’s. She bit her lip, licked them, and practiced forming them a few times before uttering a single name.

“Stella,”
she whispered.

Lacy chortled loudly.

“Stella?” Emily snorted through sobs. I heard a slew of negative thoughts pour freely from Emily’s head.

I shook my head lightly. Her insecurities reminded me of Avery.

Stella looked at Emily, her eyes skirting between her and Wes. She blushed.

Wes was silent, seemingly unfazed. That surprised me.

Emily squeezed Wes’s arm more tightly.

“And do you know why you are here?” Srixon went on.

Stella shook her head.

Jake cleared his throat and stepped forward. “She can’t speak.”

I objected. “She just said her name.”

Jake rolled his eyes to meet mine. “It’s the only thing she knows. Trust me. I can’t get her to say anything else. I found her out on the road just walking along. I was going to bring her to you guys first thing, but things came up.” He looked at Emily. “I didn’t think we needed another can of gas added to the fire. I swear I was going to tell you.” He directed that last statement at me—a point he was truly pressing.

I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to decide what to do or what any of this meant. Opening them, I looked at Stella. “Can she hear thoughts?”

Jake shook his head. “As far as I can tell she’s just a shifter.”

Wes finally spoke. “How?”

Jake and Wes both looked to me. I bit my lip, not wanting to explain but finding I had to. “A shifter can be born from shifter parents, as we’ve seen with Wes, but they can also, rarely, come from the reformation of two souls. Stella and Jane both died at the cliff. Jane’s life must have mixed with Stella’s and here we are—the two of them as one. It’s like being born all over again.”

“How do you know this?” Wes pressed.

I could see Emily’s nails digging into his arm. She wasn’t enjoying Wes’s sudden interest as it seemed he was taking it personally, but it was harmless. These were questions anyone would want answers to.

“I learned it from my father.” It felt good to say that. I eyed Srixon. Again, Srixon had begun to cower. How it was I could ever trust that man amazed me. “This new being is who she is. She may have some recollections of her past lives, some inclinations and feelings, but for all intensive purposes, she is a new soul. As her and Jane’s life continue to meld, their individual characteristics will become lost. In time there will be very little that resembles either of them anymore.” I sighed. In the depth of my heart I dreaded what this meant. Though I was doing a good job remaining outwardly unfazed, my insides were curdling.

“What about Jane’s life?” Emily finally spoke. “Don’t you need that in order to—”

I cut her off with my thoughts,
Yes, Emily. I know. The closer Stella and Jane’s lives get, the more I lose Jane.
I couldn’t bring myself to say it aloud.

You would have to rip her apart,
she replied frantically.

I won’t have to rip her apart,
I calmed her. But, in reality, I had no idea what I would have to do. I felt lost. I felt hopeless. I felt the way I had with Jane in my arms ten years ago, watching her slowly die. It was happening all over again. The more I watched Stella become her own person, the more I would watch the death of the love I’d waited so long to find, hold, and adore for all eternity. I felt it all slipping away from me, and for the first time, I was tired of chasing after it. When would this get better? Was it only my death that would finally bring an end to the suffering? Should I even bother to care what happens to this world anymore? I longed to see Jane. I longed to be done with it all.

JANE:

Eliza gasped, dropping her wildflower bouquet as we sat along the bank in the Ever After—
still.
I had jumped, waking from a daydream.

“He’s here!” She yelped.

I drew in a sharp breath. “Max?”

Eliza snorted. “Of course
Max.
Who else?”

I shrugged. She could have meant my father.

Eliza sprung to her feet. The flowers that had fallen into her lap rolled over her yellow dress and fell to the ground. She seemed more excited to see him than I was. I slowly stood. Eliza scanned the opposite bank and tree line, hand on her brow to block out some of the golden sun of this world.

“Eliza, you look pathetic,” I murmured.

She ignored me. “I’m going to hide.”

“Hide?” I tried to grab her hand to keep her from running. “He’ll know you’re here anyway.”

She shook her head as she treaded through the tall grass, finding a new spot as she sat down, successfully hiding herself amongst the golden colors of the field. “No, he won’t.”

“I can still see you.” I had one hand on my hip.

She hunched low. “I know, but just pretend I’m not here.”

I giggled, the act allowing me to feel the butterflies in my stomach. I was actually nervous. “You’re pathetic,” I repeated.

Eliza gave me a nasty glare.

I wanted to glare in return but all that faded as something dark emerged from the trees across the river. The world around me disappeared in that instant. I no longer cared about Eliza’s presence whatsoever. Max strode to the edge of the bank, looking further drawn than the last time I’d seen him. I begged to know what his life was like, what the world was like, what was happening to make him look so drawn?

I could see him look up, his eyes so far away, that it left me craving their calming ocean blue. Every time I saw him here, I found it harder to achieve the satisfaction I once received from his nearness. I wanted to melt into him, feel his skin against mine, his lips as I kiss him—this simply wasn’t the same.

He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and sat. I sat as well, simply soaking in the fact that he was here at all. It had been too long. Too long.

MAX:

My hands shook as I held the paper in my lap. I retrieved a pencil from my pocket. She was right there, right there as she had been just a moment ago in the temple, though that hadn’t been the Jane I loved. It wasn’t the same. Here was her soul, but her body was back in the world—and now so was her life. Soul, body and life, the three pieces I would need to pull her back together, to bring her back to me. Finding them had originally been the challenge, but now I fear I faced greater unknowns as her life melded with another. How was I to honor what the prophets asked of me when my window of time to save Jane was smaller than ever? I could not focus on Avery when I knew each second was one second further from saving Jane. All I wanted was for her to live, but now all I wanted was to die.

I began to write, not knowing how to form the words but throwing them out anyway. I reminded myself that this was my love—my true love—she would understand that I’d finally had enough. All that mattered, all that ever should have mattered, was her. I’d let my conscious get the best of me. I’d let the mistakes I’d made in life fester a codependency to make all those I’d wronged feel righted. It was a task I fear I was never meant to finish. What did I care of the world anymore? It had done little to help me, offering me nothing but a series of riddles and lies.

I tried to explain how this would be better—this was the right thing to do. I’d given Greg enough chances to change, but I had failed. Our death would perhaps give him the chance to come back and live life in a more admirable way. Taking him with me in my selfish decision to move on was perhaps the best thing I could do for him.

My hand scribbled nervously over the page. For so long I had faced death but never owned it. Staring down the barrel and seeing it there, I felt so many things.

I finished the note and began folding it crudely. I didn’t bother to take the time. None of this mattered anymore. I leaned forward and pushed the swan out into the water. It floated nicely, led by magick through a current otherwise impassable. I held my breath, hoping Jane would give me the answer I needed to feel okay with my decision. Regardless, my long life was going to be over.

JANE:

I waited for the swan to pass over the current. Reaching the bank, I plucked it from the water. It was heavy already, too real for this world to handle much longer. I quickly opened it with shaking hands, anxious to read his words of encouragement before they fell away.

I’m done. I love you and that is all that matters. What happens in this world without you holds no meaning anymore. Everything I was once so sure about has fallen apart. Time and time again this life has left me empty handed. As much as I want to make things right, I fear I will never be able to. I think you know what this means. Everything I have ever wanted is in you. I want to be with you. Any time spent anywhere else seems like time wasted. I will see you very soon.

Hold tight.

There was a tiny heart drawn at the bottom of the page. I lifted my free hand to touch it before the paper fell from my hands. It was eaten by the earth of the Ever After. Things such as that didn’t belong here—I knew that.

I looked up and across the bank, but in the time that had passed reading the note, Max had already gone. I was surprised by the way I felt. I should have been excited, I should have been happy to know that he was coming for me, that all this was finally going to be over, but I wasn’t. I was terrified, my chest tight and solid with fear, despite the feathery glimmer my body had become. I didn’t want to give up. I wasn’t ready to move on into the Ever After—I still wanted to
live
. How could he make this decision without my input? How selfish.

I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the ground. Eliza emerged from her hiding spot.

“Max heard all that, you know.”

My eyes grew wide and I looked at her. “What?”

“He heard what you were thinking just now. You may not be able to see him, but he’s waiting just inside the forest on the other side.”

“He is? Why?”

“He was waiting for your reaction.” She paused for a moment. “But, now he’s gone.” Her brows went up. “I don’t think he liked what he saw.”

Horror replaced my anxiety. I didn’t want Max to know any of that. Now he was going to think I didn’t love him as much as he loved me.

Eliza was shaking her head. “He was looking for your reaction on purpose. Regardless, he’ll still do it. He’s coming to join you, or so I seems. I’m not sure he really cares what your thoughts on the matter are.”

I felt a gush of emotion and I let it spill out. “But, Eliza, I’m not ready. I’m not ready in the same way you’re not ready to go back to a new life. I want to see my sister again. I want to see my friends. As much as I always craved death, I never knew it would be this lonely.”

She nodded. “I think that’s why you haven’t tried as hard as you could to see your father—you avoided finding him at the tree. You’re afraid to get too comfortable here. You just don’t know that yet.”

“But what am I supposed to do? Go back?” I bit my lip, trying to stop the tears. “If I do that it still solves nothing. I won’t see my sister or mother again—I won’t even know who they are.”

“But you’ll prevent Max from killing himself. I may not know what’s going on in the living world, but from what I learn each time he visits, they need him there. Killing himself, thus killing his brother, only stops a small part of the movement his mind fears—he knows that, but he is ignoring it.”