Book of Life (21 page)

I shook my head. “I’m just not sure I can make this decision.”

Eliza grasped at the hem of her dress as she sat beside me. “I think we should find your father. I really agree that perhaps facing him with your problems could be a good way to learn what to do.”

She was right. Deep in my soul I knew that I had been avoiding finding him. The whole reason we had gone to the tree in the first place was to find him, and yet we hadn’t. A part of me wanted to blame it on the forgetful nature of this place, but the problem is that I knew I had done it.

“We don’t have much time. Max has always been the type of man that once his mind is made up, he executes rather quickly.”

I looked at her sideways, a little offended that she presumed to know Max so well, but she was right.

“Come on. Get up.” She stood, urging me to do the same.

On weak legs I stood as well, watching as my glimmer grew frail around the edges, reflecting the way I felt.

“It’s about time you step up to the plate, Jane. Max has always been the one to make the big decisions, but I think it’s your job this time. He’s not always going to know what’s best for your love.”

Her continued encouragement made me feel better about the direction my mind was headed in. Perhaps being reborn was something I could accept—for all I knew it was something I had accepted already. After all, why else was it so inviting?

WES:

I woke to the sound of wind outside Emily’s window. It had been a few days since the events at the priory and I was still trying to understand what it all meant. Max had disappeared soon after the confrontation with Srixon, the prophets, Stella, and whatever it was that was happening with Avery. I’d tried to ask Emily her thoughts on the situation but she hadn’t said much of anything in the past few days. I think having Stella here, looking so much like Jane, had her frozen in a state of both mourning and hate.

What my mind continually rested on, however, was Avery. How had she changed and why? I couldn’t help but assume, given Max’s strange behavior, that there was something going on there. Jake had remained as sealed shut as Emily on the subject, but I knew they had to have heard something, anything. Why weren’t they willing to share it? We were supposed to be a team.

I looked sideways at Emily as she slept beside me. She breathed lightly, looking so peaceful. I missed this Emily. During the day she was snappy, mean, and reserved. I tried to support her but since Jane’s death it had turned into a sort of job. I loved her, that would never change, but I was ready for things to get better again. Anxiety washed over me. All I was doing was laying here, contributing nothing to this effort to bring some level of normalcy back to our lives. I knew nothing, had no useful talent—so it seemed—and was constantly emasculated by a teenage girl that had my heart in a vice.

Was it so bad to say that maybe I needed a moment for myself? Was that so wrong? Surely true love was like that from time to time.

I slowly sat up, trying my best to be as careful and quiet as possible. The bed shook and Emily snorted lightly. Silence wasn’t working. Quickly, I changed into a mouse, shrinking into the covers as the weight of my body slowly shifted, lifting the mattress.

Emily sighed again, but I felt it was a sigh back into sleep. I crawled my way out of the covers and scurried my way over the bed, feeling winded as I finally reached the edge of the mattress. My tiny nails dug into the now enormous weave of the sheets as I swung myself over the edge and hung. Looking down past my tail, the floor suddenly seemed miles away. I shut my eyes and changed again, claws digging deeper into the mattress as I silently became a cat. I released my claws, and without a sound, I fell to the ground as my legs gave to absorb the weight and noise. Once there, I padded to the door which had been left open a crack. With my nose, I urged it open and slunk into the hall.

Sarah had conceded to allowing me to stay with Emily, not seeing the harm given the situation. Her room was at the end of the hall, door shut. I took off in the opposite direction down the stairs and into the kitchen. Once there, I utilized the dog door that still occupied the side door beside the bar. Their dog died long ago, but replacing the door came at an expense to which they could not afford, nor take the time to remedy. I was thankful for it and used it often.

Once outside, I changed again, this time into an owl. I needed to get back to my room in order to get some clothes, and then I was going to set out and look for Max. I could not afford to allow him to run off like this, leaving me with no answers or idea what was coming. I flew up to my sill and looked in—the room was empty and as messy as always. There were piles of clothes on the floor, stacking onto my bed. On the small sill, I managed to carefully change into myself again. I shivered, the winter chill of the outside air making the task of shimmying open my window while balancing on the ledge, naked, a little difficult. Naturally, I would have rather gone through the front door, but with Lacy in her own room at the top of the stairs and Stella sleeping on the couch, I wasn’t about to risk the exposure.

I managed to get my fingers under the icy frame of the window and lift it open enough that I could roll in. I hit the floor with a thump, cursing under my breath. Luckily, I was alone and it didn’t matter—or so I thought.

The lump of clothes and blankets on my bed lurched, causing me to lurch in return. I quickly crawled toward my closet where I was lucky to find a pair of basketball shorts. The pile on my bed fought and rustled as I fought to pull the hem of my pants over the parts that mattered. With one last thrust, my pants were up and the pile of blankets on the bed flew off. A shadowed image of Jane in a long t-shirt now stood on my bed, her back in the corner, hands wrapped around the handle of a baseball bat.

It took a moment for my mind to adjust to the fact that it wasn’t Jane at all, though I felt suddenly tossed back in time to the day Jane and I had attempted to become more than just friends—though it had been a lot less violent. Most importantly, however, where had she found the baseball bat?

“Whoa,”
I whispered. “It’s just me.”

Her golden eyes flashed in the moonlight. She was huffing hard, her brown hair in her face. Spindly, bare legs shook as her feet sunk into the sagginess of my old mattress. This version of Jane was a lot different than the Jane I had known. She was far edgier and unpredictable, eyes wild where Jane’s were always calm and plain.

“What are you doing in here?” I demanded.

She allowed the bat to drop a little, shrugging her shoulders as she tried to motion toward Lacy’s room.

“Did Lacy say you could sleep here?”

She nodded, still trying to calm her breathing.

“She would,” I murmured under my breath.

EMILY:

I was dreaming—dreaming of Jake’s blue light and the way it made me feel. Amongst all the darkness in my life, there it was, floating there like the best drug I could ever want to take. In my dream I was floating along with it. Together we danced for a long while, and it was here and only here that I felt calm and whole again.

I began to wake. Holding tight to the light, I felt a sinking feeling as it slipped away despite my tight grip. I didn’t want it to go. I didn’t want to lose this feeling. The light jerked away from me and I woke with a start. I sat up in bed, breathing hard and finding myself alone. I struggled to catch my breath—where was Wes?

Emotion overcame me as I felt the familiar cut of loneliness rip through me. For the last couple of days since the incident at the priory, my body had admittedly been struggling to forget the hallucinating trance of taking Greg’s pills. Now was no time to leave me alone. With my hand I felt all around me in the dark, hoping that perhaps I’d find Wes somewhere nearby. I leaned toward the edge of the bed and looked over, thinking perhaps he’d be on the floor. From time to time he’d sleep there when I was restless and kicking. He wasn’t there.

“Wes?”
I whispered. Sometimes he got up to use the restroom but could always hear my voice since his animal instincts had improved. I waited for a reply that never came. I waited for a return that never happened. I tried to open my mind and listen for his thoughts but this was as useless as everything else—he’d gotten good at hiding them from me.

Rolling back to my side of the bed, I felt a lump of something under the covers. I fished for whatever it was, finding Wes’s pajamas there. I pulled them out, confused until I realized it meant he’d snuck off in animal form.

Ten minutes I sat there like a statue with his pajamas in my hands, thinking that maybe I was still dreaming and that this was all a mistake—it wasn’t. How could he leave me? Where had he gone? For almost three weeks now he had been a literal part of me, not allowing me to leave his side no matter how I treated him. I was disgusted by the way I had been treating him but I couldn’t help it. Didn’t I deserve to act this way, though?

I thought about what Jane would tell me in answer, but I didn’t like it. I began to worry as I laid my head back onto the pillow. I suddenly felt guilty about my dreams as though being with the blue light was cheating. I pulled the covers up around my face, hoping that if I could fall back asleep, I’d wake up and Wes would be there. I forced my eyes shut, but it was some time before sleep returned and when it did, the blue light was no longer any part of it.

WES:

I looked behind me and out the window. I could hear Stella drop the bat onto the mattress behind me. Across the alley was Jane’s darkened room. I hadn’t been back to my own room like this in some time. For a moment the sight stole the breath from my lungs. Jane had been my best friend. She had meant so much to me. I wanted to expect that she’d be standing there in the window.

Lost in a trance, I hardly noticed as Stella arrived at my side, looking where I was.

I twisted my head and looked down at her. I observed her profile. From the curve of her nose to the peak of her lips she was exactly like Jane. I followed the rosy kiss of her cheeks until they found her long, dark lashes, and that’s where it all changed into the stranger beside me. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to look away. “That was Jane’s room. The person you look like.”

Her attention turned to me. She stared at my lips as I talked, not bothering to look back at Jane’s room.

“It’s funny to see you here when I’m so used to seeing you, or rather Jane, there.” I reveled in the attention—attention I had been craving. In the beginning, it had seemed so easy, too easy to get over Jane as I fell head over heels for Emily. I was beginning to realize that it wasn’t so easy. Just as Emily was sure to relapse into drugs, perhaps I would in this way. “Lacy always called you Missy, though. Stella was the name I gave you.”

She smiled, looking happy about that fact.

“It’s funny that that’s the one that stuck.” I couldn’t hide the half smile, thinking back to Stella as she had been. She was playful and full of energy, her desires to be near me an admittedly flattering trait of hers. I wondered if she still felt the same way.

She kept smiling, her eyes searching mine. She was so attentive, so animated about every word I spoke.

“Did Lacy ever tell you that? She always figured you preferred Missy.”

She shrugged.

“I should thank you for bringing my sister back to me. Before that, I had no family at all.” I tried to sound grateful.

She nodded this time, her lips parting as her eyes darted away from me.
“Stella,”
she whispered.

Her voice was soft, but it too sounded just like Jane. I knew it was all she could say in response. It seemed she understood the rest of it, however. Her face showed a lot of emotion—emotion I never thought it could when the soul was Jane’s. “Any luck with talking?”

She frowned and shook her head.

I nodded. “It will come to you.” I noticed that she kept stealing a glance at my bare stomach. I suddenly felt naked and guilty. For a split second Emily occupied my thoughts. I quickly reached for a shirt and pulled it over my head.

Stella blushed and turned away from me, making her way back to my bed where she crawled under the covers, wrapping her bare legs. She was mimicking my sudden shyness. After she was properly tucked away, she looked up at me and pointed out the window in the direction of Emily’s room. Her face was inquisitive.

“Emily?” I asked.

She nodded.

“She’s sleeping,” I said plainly.

Stella didn’t look satisfied by that answer, appearing frustrated as she tried again to specify what she meant. She wiped a fake tear from her cheek with a frown.

“Is she sad? Is that what you mean?”

Stella nodded.

I snorted. “Of course she’s sad. She’s sort of
always
sad. It’s her thing. Sometimes I feel like she likes it that way on purpose. I don’t know if she is capable of being happy.” I instantly regretted saying it, but it came out so easily and it felt good to say. I had no one to talk to about Emily. Lacy always told me to get over it, Max was too busy, and Jake . . . I wasn’t about to talk to Jake about my problems with Emily, not when he had a crush on her. Was I really so weak to allow all that?