Book of Life (25 page)

I dropped the banana and touched Jake’s arm, so warm it was almost uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. I should have said that better. I’m just so confused. This is so . . .
big.”

“I’m confused, too. I guess that makes two of us.” Jake’s head was getting lower by the minute.

For a moment I tried to put myself in his shoes. It was like the way I’d always looked at Wes from afar—Jake had done the same thing with me. I felt guilty that I didn’t have this instant attraction to him as I felt I should have, given the facts. I mean, sure, I’d had that attraction with the light, but somehow the two weren’t correlating—perhaps it was because of his guise. I wondered if I could try and make them correlate. With Wes acting the way he was toward me, what did I really have to lose?

I pressed my lips together and reached for Jake’s chin, tilting it up. I slid his glasses from his nose and watched as the light danced through his eyes, taking my breath away as it always did. I tried my best to look at Jake and not the light, but it was hard. I leaned in to kiss him but he turned his head and leaned away.

“Don’t,”
he murmured, pulling his lips over his fake teeth and braces—keeping me from them.

Sure, it wasn’t the most attractive thing to think of kissing, but I wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to know what it’d be like. Would everything change?

He brought his hands to his face and ran them across his brow. “You can’t do that. You’re not allowed. That’s what I was trying to say. Even with the light, there’s nothing we can do about it. A vampire is not allowed to do this. If our leader were to find out, I’d be relocated. For me, it’s enough to be around you. That’s why I never wanted to tell you what the light meant.”

“Why?”
I felt bitter.

“I’ve told you before. What I have is a disease, a fever. It’s a blood disease just like . . .”

I could tell he didn’t want to say it. “Like AIDS or Hepatitis B?” I offered. It was a concept I was used to, having run in the drug circles I had for so long.

He didn’t respond, but it was the answer nonetheless.

“It’s best if we just avoid it all together. For you, I don’t sense it will be that hard.” He said it spitefully. “Wes doesn’t want to let you go, either. Whatever he’s doing to you right now is just . . . it’s just what happens sometimes. He loves you.”

I wasn’t so sure. On top of the apprehension I already felt in our frail relationship, there was now the fact that Wes’s soul mate was still out there. I was not it. I felt depressed, if it was even possible to feel worse than I already had at the beginning of the day.

“You need to stay with him. In this life he will give you what you need. You just have to work at it a little more than normal—people fake it all the time.”

Fake it?
I didn’t like the term. “But why you? Why can I see your light when I don’t think Jane ever saw one with Max.”

“It’s because I am a vampire. My fever makes my aura, or light, more obvious to you. In return I can see yours better as well. It’s lighter than everyone else, inviting, and warm. It’s sweet and sugary as though I could almost taste it.” He looked dreamy. “I feel like an addict barred from the only thing that matters, but I can handle it.”

I could understand the feeling. “Aura? Is that the better term for it?”

He nodded. “Yes. I can see everyone’s aura. It’s always changing based on their mood.”

I nodded. Auras were something I was familiar with, but I hadn’t made the connection between Jake’s light and that until now. “I guess it makes sense.” I suddenly felt awkward beside him. Here I was, with the one man that should mean everything to me.

Jake must have noticed this, reaching over and taking my hand. “Promise me we can still be friends. Promise me we’ll take this in stride. I couldn’t bear losing you, not when everything else about my life seems so dark.”

I drew in a long, slow breath. I was taken by Jake’s sensitive confession. I had always seen him to be so self-assured, so confident and forward. Whether it was the fact of what he’d told me this afternoon or not, besides the awkwardness, I couldn’t help but feel a little of the love that should have been there. What I was afraid of was feeling more.

JANE:

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since we’d decided to try and find my father. Sometimes it felt like minutes, other times hours or even weeks. We had stopped to eat a few times, lost track of our task only to remember again when my thoughts returned to Max. I was wasting time, so this go around, I tried my best to remind myself of why I was here and what I was about to do every moment I could.

I raised my head, thinking on this goal as we once again stood in the shadow of the large tree in the Ever After. It amazed me even more now than it had the first time. I was finally able to take it in with all its intricate detail. Each branch was beautifully twisted, housing a hundred birds as they took flight.

“Your father is here somewhere. He’s always here,” Eliza insisted.

“I still don’t understand what he’s doing here.” Being a community man wasn’t reason enough. Was he flirting with the idea of revival? But how? He was always the steady arrow. He would never allow himself to be reborn.

“I think in a way he’s waiting for you.”

I laughed, but I knew she was right. My father understood my determination. It was why we always got along so well. I was willing to do what it took to get what I wanted. I was a hard worker, strong-minded. He’d know that I’d want to be reborn.

We searched the crowd, circling the tree. I looked hopefully for that brown hair that was so much like my own. He was tidy, well calculated in his looks as well as his decisions. It felt like decades since I’d seen him though he was the first person I saw after my death. How long ago had I died?

“There!” Eliza barked suddenly. She stopped dead in her tracks.

I was a little disappointed I hadn’t been the one to find him first. “Where?”

“Between the boy with the ball and the woman wearing that silly pink poncho.”

I scanned the crowd, looking for such figures as she’d described. It was hard to find them at first, almost as though my eye didn’t want to. But, then the boy with the ball kicked it high into the air. It caught my attention, my gaze following it until it hit the ground, right next to a man whose back was turned to me.

I had to admit I was afraid I wouldn’t recognize him for how long it felt since I’d seen him, but in that instant it all came back to me as though I’d just died just a moment ago. “Father!” I couldn’t help but yell. A number of people turned to look at me, one of which was actually my father. They stared as I ran toward him.

He looked at me with a smile.
“Jane,”
he whispered, saying it as though it was the first time he’d seen me since I was little. “I’ve been trying to find you, but as it goes I always get off track.”

I wanted to grab his hand, but I knew it was useless. “You did find me, Father. You found me when I most needed you and that’s all that matters.”

He frowned. “But then I lost you again.”

I tilted my head. “It’s okay, Dad.” I was afraid to tell him that he was about to lose me again.

“Why are you here?” he asked, looking concerned.

I bit my lip. “Looking for you. Why are
you
here?”

He smiled. “I’m waiting for you. I’m waiting for my family.”

Each word he said made it harder for me to remain latched on my decision to go back and be reborn. My father loved us so much that he was waiting for our arrival, and yet I was biting my time to leave.

He gazed deep into my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

I wanted to cry when he asked that. He’d always been the only person in our family that seemed to know when something was truly bothering me. Emily and my mother never picked up on the subtle hints as he did.

“Father,” I paused, gaining the strength to say it. “I’m going back.”

He stood a little taller, seemingly mulling over the reply. “I see.”

It wasn’t the reaction I had expected, then again, what reaction was I expecting?

He looked to Eliza. “I see,” he repeated.

I shut my eyes for a moment, allowing myself to really think about my decision. The annoying thing was it still felt right. Under all the guilt I felt for leaving him, being reborn was still enticing.

“You want a new life,” he went on.

I swallowed. “No. It’s not like that. It’s not that I want to replace you, or forget this life. I have to do this for me.”

He seemed to consider this a long while, leaving me hanging for what felt like fifteen minutes. “You fell in love, didn’t you?”

I was afraid to tell him I had. This was my father, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit bashful admitting it.

“Who?” He asked simply. His face had changed from sadness to intrigue.

It gave me the strength to want to tell him. “His name is Max.”

My father’s eyes lit up immediately. “Not Max Gordon, right?”

I nodded carefully.

My father’s face was like stone, but then he smiled. “I should have known.”

I felt a release wash over me. It was important to me that I had his approval, though that still wouldn’t have stopped me. I loved Max.

“I should have seen that the day I died, but it’s all so foggy.”

I nodded.

“But why not wait for him?” he began.

I tilted my head and dropped my gaze to my hands. “I’m not ready for all this, Father. My soul has not lived enough. Truthfully, I do not want to meet him this way, not with the history that I still remember. Life was great up until the day you died. Since, I don’t feel like it’s been a life at all.”

I saw my father’s sadness return. “It’s my fault. I loved you, but I was ignorant to think I could protect you given who I was—all of you. Since I left, I’ve been a mess wondering what my carelessness did to you all. I sense now that it did a lot, and I don’t mean that in a positive way. I guess I could see why you want to start over.”

I smiled vaguely. “You’ll always be my father. This life will not be forgotten—not my time or this world. I need to start over. I need to live a normal life—if that opportunity exists for me. Having loved Max, I’ll know what to look for that next time around. That has to be something the universe can’t erase. Max will live a long time. He’s just going to have to wait for me to find him again.”

I felt a strange disconnect from my father then. I’d changed from a girl who looked up to her father and listened to his every word, to a woman who independently searched for love and understanding of her own.

My father straightened his back. “At least let me see you off. It’s the least I can do after all I’ve put you through.” He nodded as though telling himself this was alright. “You’re right. This is the path you need. I cannot hold on to the life we had together before my passing. I see now that the time you’ve spent living since then has tarnished too much of that.”

I looked sideways at Eliza as she stood a few paces away, looking eerily content with her hands laced together before her. It was as though she knew this would happen all along, as though every word she’d uttered to me since I’d been here led up to this moment.

We walked together to the tree where we made our way inside. As my father looked up I paid close attention to the reflection in his eyes. It was dark and daunting.

“I could never go back. I’m not sure how many lives I’ve lived, but I know that I’ve lived enough. What I see offers little intrigue to me,” he explained.

I looked up at what I saw. Swirling gold, speckled with pink light. I was certain I was meant to go back. I craved life so much after craving death for so long.

I could see my father look at me from the corner of my eye. “But I can tell what you see is far different.” His voice sounded as though he’d come to terms with this. “It’s my fault I lost you in the first place. I can bear to lose you again knowing you’re going to a place much better.”

But that was the mystery. There was no certainty that I was headed for a better life, but it was my time. I was due for something great.

“I’ll miss you, Jane. At least on my end, I will never stop thinking about you. Your life here will live on in my memory. Take comfort in knowing that person will never be forgotten.”

I wanted to hug my father one last time, but the best I could do was lean toward him on my toes and kiss the air his cheek occupied. In my mind I felt it just as I would if he were really there.

Eliza stepped toward us then, sensing we had said enough of our goodbyes. I felt a nervous feeling rise in the pit of my stomach—fear that Max wouldn’t be able to find me, fear that this was wrong—it was quickly replaced with excitement.

“Follow me,” she said simply.

We turned and walked toward the trunk of the tree. Ducking inside, Eliza urged my father to step back as she stood before me. She held her hands at her sides and shut her eyes for a moment before opening them again. Her hands reached for my arms, and though I was no more than a glimmer, I felt a tickle as her touch grazed down toward my fingertips. I felt small tugs as she did this, working with my glimmer the same way she had with the woman of before.