Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (2 page)

A year later, they got married under the willow
tree in the newly created park in their zombie community. Kristen
made a beautiful bride. Soon after, they adopted two lovely
children, a girl and a boy.

The girl, Susan, was only seven years old when
she was forced to flee from her father and her home. Now she had a
permanent wound in her shoulder from where her father had been
aiming for her head and missed. In her new community, with her new
family, she was able to be a typical little girl again.

They also adopted an eighteen month old little
boy named John. His mother had simply thrown him away with the
compost. Although his mind was still learning and developing, he
would always have the body of a baby. Kristen’s maternal instincts
helped him deal with his special needs.

That is how in light of the dark days after the
virus outbreak, zombies gradually formed normal lives for
themselves again.

(back to
TOC)

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A Trip to the Mall

I hated the mall. I am usually a quiet, reserved
person. I don’t like to be in crowds, and I don’t like enclosed
areas without windows.

My husband doesn’t like the idea of malls. He’s
an advocate of independent businesses, so he doesn’t like the
corporate atmosphere that a mall creates.

My son loves malls. He’s only seven, and he
wants to go into every store that has toys, lights, things that
move, or shiny objects. While he’s normally a good kid and great at
holding hands when we go out, the over-stimulation of the mall
usually overrides his obedience filter and his natural curiosity
takes over.

My brother is a lower functioning zombie who
normally lives in a home for the differently animated. He received
a blow to the head when he was killed, which has affected his IQ.
When we take him out, although he enjoys himself, we often get
complaints from other people about his presence.

My mother would just rather stay home and knit.
She lost the desire for interaction with large groups of people a
long time ago.

So naturally, when we all got together for my
brother’s death day, I proposed we load into the car and go to the
mall. I picked the first place that came to mind where we could all
go together without having to buy a meal and where we could
actually talk to each other (as opposed to keeping silent in a
movie theater). I hadn’t considered how miserable we would all
be.

Somehow, we stuck with it. We had spent all day
at the mall, and all of us were getting tired and cranky. It was
really just a matter of time before one of us broke.

When my son ran away from our group towards the
pet store and knocked a bag out of a woman’s hand, it was my final
straw. “Stop,” I yelled at him. “Look what you did. How could you
be so rude? Apologize to these people.”

Embarrassed, his cheeks got all red, and he
stared down at his Transformers tennis shoes. “I didn’t raise my
son to be so rude. You apologize now!” I demanded.

“It’s okay,” said the couple. “No harm
done.”

“No!” I said. “He needs to learn more respect
and to apologize to people he has inconvenienced.”

“Honey,” said my husband. “Let’s take care of
this out in the car.”

“If this isn’t addressed now, how will he
learn?” I said, my rage still boiling.

My mom, behind me, made tut-tutting sounds.
Other shoppers stared at us as they passed. I was making a
scene.

My brother stepped up, and put an arm around me.
“It’s okay, sis. Have peace.”

When I looked at him, my anger dissipated. Here
was a man who should know everything about rage. Didn’t people say
that zombies were always angry? I thought so myself before my
brother’s accident. Now I knew how much the same they are as when
they were living.

I let out a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry,” I said
to the couple.

Then I bent down to his level and said to my
son, “I’m sorry. What you did was an accident, and although you
should still apologize, what I did was even ruder. And I didn’t
mean to be so mean to you. Do you forgive me?” He nodded and gave
me a hug.

Before he even broke the hug, he looked up at
the couple and said, sincerely, “I’m sorry.”

The lady said, “That’s okay. We forgive you,”
and smiled at him.

The man turned to my brother and said, “Thank
you. I’m finding that zombies are so much nicer than the living,
despite what they say.”

My brother, with a big smile, gave the man a
huge hug and said, “You’re welcome!”

I thought, “Uh oh,” and held my breath, but the
man gave my brother a big hug back.

(back to
TOC)

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The Homeless Aunt

One crisp autumn Thursday evening, right
after I got home from a particularly hard day of work, there was a
knock on my door. I stopped preparing the kids’ after school snack
to answer it.

To my surprise, I opened the door to find my
aunt looking haggard and carrying a full but worn out backpack with
a broken strap. Her clothes were dirty and ripped, and I thought I
saw open wounds underneath. She was pale, and her threadbare scarf
did little to hide the fatal gash in her neck.

“Come in, come in,” I said. “I’m just fixing a
snack for the children. Would you join me in the kitchen? Can I
interest you in a cup of coffee?”

“That would be wonderful,” she said and followed
me inside.

After getting the kids settled with “ants on a
log,” (celery with peanut butter inside and raisins on top) and an
after school special, I sat down at the table to join my aunt with
a cup of coffee. “How have you been?” I asked.

“Actually, I’ve been better,” she said.

I cut her a piece of leftover coffee cake,
settled in my chair, and said, “I’m here to listen.”

“I thought I was such a good mom. I gave
everything to my kids. I sacrificed a career to make sure they
would get the best support they could. I helped them with their
homework, and they got good grades.

“Instead of spending any money on clothes or
makeup for myself, I used all of it to get them the best of
everything. They were well fed and well dressed and never wanted
for anything.

“After high school, I made sure they went to the
best schools. My son went to Notre Dame, and my daughter went to
Harvard. Cost was no issue for my kids to get the best education. I
paid for their housing and food and transportation, even gave them
an allowance, so they could dedicate themselves full time to their
studies.

“Now I realize the error of my ways. I spoiled
them.

“When I was fatally injured by a mugger, I knew
I would not survive. Instead of going to the hospital, I went to a
necromancer. I thought my kids couldn’t survive without me. Instead
of resting in peace, I gave my afterlife away to provide for
them.

“But they didn’t need me anymore. They are
starting families of their own now.

“Nobody will hire a zombie. My husband divorced
me and kicked me out of the house. I was left with nothing.

“So I went to my son. He refused to take me in.
His wife, my daughter in law, doesn’t like me. He says I scare her.
I asked for any sort of help, but he turned me away.

“Then I went to my daughter. She has a toddler
now, but the father skipped out on her when she was pregnant. She
took me in, but treated me as a housekeeper and baby sitter. I was
expected to keep the house spotless and take care of her daughter
while she went out partying all night. She usually didn’t come back
until after three in the morning.

“When I complained, she said that I had to work
for my room and board. I asked her to be a better example to her
daughter, but she brushed me off like I didn’t know what I was
talking about. After all I did for her, after all I sacrificed, she
would treat both me and her daughter like that!

“I still kept at it for a little while. I got
barely any rest at all. When I told her I needed a break, she would
say, ‘It’s not like it will kill you.’

“Finally, I refused. I made up a list of the
chores we should share, and a list of what I felt was fair for each
of us to take on. I still gave myself most of the load, plus
babysitting. But it wasn’t good enough for her, and she kicked me
out.”

At this point, my jaw had been hanging open for
most of her story. How disrespectful of her children! But perhaps
she was right, she did spoil them too much. That didn’t keep me
from feeling sorry for her.

“That’s why I’m here. I’m desperate. I know you
have no reason to do anything for me, but I’m only asking for a
little. Do you think you could take me to your mom’s? Perhaps she
can help me get back on my feet.”

“No,” I said. She looked shocked.

“First, you’re staying here for dinner. We’re
having steaks and I have enough for an extra person. We’ll set a
place at the table for you.”

Her eyes were getting watery. “No, wait,” I
said. “That’s not first. First, feel free to have a nice long hot
bath. I have some clothes that I think will fit you. By the time
you get out of the bath, supper will be ready.”

“Oh thank you,” she said. “That’s more than I
can ask for.”

“After dinner, we’ll go out shopping and get you
a few changes of clothes.”

“But the kids--” she interrupted.

I stopped her. “Their dad will be home soon. He
can make sure they do their homework and put them to bed.”

After I refilled her coffee, I continued, “We
have a spare bedroom. You can stay here as long as you need to.
Tomorrow, you are welcome to call my mom. If you still want to go
over there, I am happy to take you. But you are also welcome to
stay with us.”

At this point, she was crying. “Aren’t you
scared of me? Aren’t you afraid of having a zombie in your house
while you sleep?”

“No, I’m not,” I said, and gave her a hug.
“Zombie or no, you are my aunt, and a good person, and you deserve
to be treated with respect.”

(back to
TOC)

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A Boy and His Dog

“Boney! Come here boy!”

Timmy just loved his dog. Boney was his best
friend. Boney was named after the first toy they bought him when he
was a puppy. Timmy got Boney when he was three, and the dog
followed him everywhere.

Boney’s favorite toy was his first bone. It was
plastic and squeaked when he bit it. He loved it when Timmy would
throw his bone. Boney would run after it as quick as possible. He’d
catch it in the air if he could. Then he’d trot back to Timmy to
have him throw it again.

Timmy loved to take Boney to the park. His dog
would walk nicely at his side on the leash until they got there.
Then Timmy would unhook the leash, and Boney would run, run,
run!

There were other dogs at the park too. Boney
would play with his friends Spot, Blackie, Fido, and Rover. They
could run and chase each other inside the fence at the dog park.
And Timmy would play with his friends Sam, Jack, George, and
Mikey.

Boney’s favorite game to play with the other
dogs was Tag. They would all be It and just chase each other in
circles around and around the dog park.

One day a new dog named Lily came to play with
them. At first, she didn’t want to play Tag. She wanted to play
Hide and Go Seek. But Spot didn’t want to play Hide and Go Seek. So
Boney suggested they play Hide and Go Seek first, then switch to
Tag. It was a good suggestion, because there weren’t many hiding
spaces in the dog park. Then they all played Tag together and had
fun.

Timmy and his friends played in the playground.
They would climb the jungle gym, swing on the swings, and slide
down the slide. But their favorite thing to play on was the
merry-go-round. All the boys would get on and hold on tight. They
would take turns running around the outside to get it spinning
really fast, then jump on.

One day they met a girl named Jenny who was
swinging on the swings. She asked Timmy, “Will you push me?”

Timmy said, “Sure!” And he pushed her in the
swing until his friends arrived. Then he said, “We’re going to go
play on the merry-go-round. Would you like to join us?”

Jenny said, “Sure!”

They all played together on the merry-go-round
for the rest of the afternoon. Jenny even took a turn spinning the
merry-go-round, and the boys agreed that Jenny spun the
fastest.

Afterwards, Jenny said, “It’s getting dark. I
have to go home now.”

Timmy said, “I should go home too. Where do you
live?”

“That way,” Jenny said, and pointed in the same
direction as Timmy’s house.

“Me too!” said Timmy. “Let me go get my dog, and
we can walk home together.”

Timmy walked over to the dog park and called,
“Boney, come here boy!” Boney ran over to Timmy at the gate and
gave a friendly bark. “Ready to go home boy?” Timmy asked. Boney
jumped up and down excitedly. Timmy opened the gate, and Boney ran
out. The dog jumped on him and gave him a lick.

“Boney, this is Jenny,” said Timmy. Jenny
reached down and scratched Boney behind his ears. Boney licked her
hand.

The three of them walked out of the park and
down the street. As they walked, Timmy and Jenny talked about
school. Timmy learned that Jenny had just moved into town and that
she would be in his class.

As they walked, Boney romped around them. He
would run ahead, then run around them in circles, then wait behind
and run ahead again.

Boney ran ahead when Timmy and Jenny were
crossing the busy street. Boney didn’t look both ways before he
crossed the street. He didn’t see the car coming at them very
fast.

The car’s driver hit the brakes, made the tires
screech, and turned to the left, but it wasn’t enough. The front
bumper of the car hit Boney very hard. Boney fell to the ground and
wasn’t moving.

“Boney!” Timmy cried. “Get up Boney!” But Boney
didn’t move. Jenny helped Timmy carry Boney home.