Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (6 page)

“These zombies,” Johann said, “take everything
from us living people who deserve it. I’m glad you’re not one of
those zombie lovers.”

He got a big tub of popcorn and a soda, and went
to the theater to take his seat. But when he sat down, he felt a
pull in his stomach, and he was sucked up into the screen.

The air was cold and it was snowing. Johann
discovered that he wasn’t wearing anything more than a torn t-shirt
and pants that were missing a leg. He wrapped his arms around
himself, but his own touch was cold. No matter what he did, he
couldn’t warm himself up.

He walked to a nearby house and knocked on the
door. “Please, can I come in and warm up?” he asked the lady that
answered.

She screamed, “Ah, zombie!” and chased him away
with a rolling pin.

Although he was cold and tired, somehow he found
the energy to walk to the nearest town. Everyone was going to a
well-lit tavern. He followed them in, went to the bar, and asked,
“Please, can you spare a cup of hot tea?”

The bartender answered, “We don’t serve zombies
here. Get out!”

At this point, he was cold, tired, and hungry.
He wandered down an alley and looked through the dumpsters for
something to eat. The only thing he could find was a dead rat. He
didn’t have any way to make a fire to cook it over, but he was so
hungry he ate it raw. It was disgusting.

Under some boxes he found in the dumpster, he
sat down in a corner and rested his head against the brick wall,
attempting to sleep. Heels clicked as a man walked down the alley,
and Johann tried to hide under his boxes for fear of getting
attacked.

But the man came up to him and said, “You poor
boy. Come with me.” The man lead him to a big house merely blocks
away. He gave him hot cocoa and a freshly cooked meal of turkey and
potatoes. Johann sat by the fire as he ate. When his stomach was
full, he fell asleep in the big comfy chair.

When he woke up, he was back in the theater. He
realized that the man in his dream was the same as the man who gave
him the ticket. The movie was almost over, but his tub of popcorn
was nearly full. He looked around the dark theater and found the
zombie sitting a few rows over. Without disturbing the other people
watching the movie, he made his way over to the zombie and said,
“Here, you can have this,” and handed him the popcorn and soda.

“Thank you,” the zombie whispered. Johann sat
next to the zombie for the rest of the movie, and enjoyed spending
time with him.

As they left, he said, “I’m sorry for making fun
of you earlier. Would you like to come over for supper?”

“I’d like that very much,” replied the zombie,
and they became the best of friends.

(back to
TOC)

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Zombies and Geeks

In my sophomore year of high school we moved
to a new town due to my dad’s job. My old high school was a big
school, and even when I felt like an outcast, I could still just
blend into the crowd.

This new school was small, with only one tenth
of the students that my old high school had. Everyone knew each
other already, and most had gone to school together their entire
lives. It was just as bad, if not worse, than any other time I had
been the new kid.

Although it was large, there weren’t a whole lot
of undead kids in my old school. But this new school was at least
half zombies.

In my Spanish class, there was one zombie girl
that sat in the back of the class with her clique of friends. They
wore tons of makeup to try to mask their pale complexions. One girl
was even wearing a wig. Their clothes were designer, which I found
strange for zombies.

I took a seat in front of these girls and said,
“Hello,” but they ignored me. They talked constantly during class,
and when I handed a paper back to the girl behind me, she rudely
snatched it out of my hands.

My next class was Biology, and I took a seat in
the back corner of the classroom. The girl from Spanish class
walked in right before the bell and sat down at the desk next to
me. Apparently her friends didn’t have this class with her. I held
out my hand and said, “Hi, I’m Kelsey. I think we have Spanish
together.”

She didn’t shake my hand. Instead, she gave me a
disdainful, “Um, hi,” and looked straight ahead, ignoring me for
the rest of class. When the teacher called roll, I found out that
her name was Mandy. Later in the hall, I said, “Hi Mandy,” but she
walked on like she didn’t hear me.

Of course, as time went on, I eventually made
friends and started to fit in a little. One day in the lunchroom, I
mentioned to one of my friends that I didn’t like Mandy. Then I got
a tap on the shoulder. It was Mandy. She had been standing at the
vending machines right behind us. “Tonight, meet me under the
bleachers at the football field.”

Word spread around the school quickly that
afternoon. I had no way to get out of it. So after school, right
outside the building, a mixture of both zombie and human students
lined the sidewalk that lead to the fields.

Right before the bleachers, Mandy and her
friends met me. She stepped out in front with her friends behind
her. “I heard you say you don’t like me.”

I didn’t say anything.

“You don’t like me because I’m a zombie.”

“No,” I blurted out. “That’s not true!”

She pushed me, and I stumbled, but I didn’t lose
my footing. “What do you have against zombies?” she demanded.

The crowd was getting angry, and I felt anxious.
“I don’t have anything against zombies! I like zombies, I just
don’t like you.”

The crowd got more excited and amiable, but
still gave out a unified, “Ooooh!”

“Oh yeah, pretty girl,” she said, pushing me
again. “Tell me then, what’s your problem with me?”

Not finding any other way out, I finally said,
“I tried to be friends with you. And you’ve been nothing but mean
to me since I got here. I wanted to like you, but you wouldn’t let
me.”

The expression on her face changed. She lost her
confidence, and it was replaced by a mixture of anger and
embarrassment. She pushed me again, the hardest this time. I fell
backwards to the ground, and she walked away, followed by her
entourage.

The next day when I went to Spanish class, I sat
as far away from her crowd as I could. They didn’t say anything to
me or make eye contact.

Then in Biology, as usual, I got there before
Mandy did. I sat in my usual spot in the back. She came in and sat
right next to me. I had intended to ignore her, but she said, “Hey
Kelsey, how are you doing?”

I was shocked speechless. Finally I said a
quick, “I’m fine,” before the teacher started taking roll.

During class, the teacher had us pair off to do
a project, and Mandy immediately scooted her desk over next to
mine. “Will you be my partner?” she asked.

“Um, sure,” I said.

She was the smartest person I had ever worked
with. We got the best grade in the class.

By the end of the year, we had become great
friends.

(back to
TOC)

****

Slaves

“Get him,” the
zombie hunters screamed.

The zombie ran in fear down the alleyway. He got
lucky, and the alley ended at a parking garage. He ran inside and
hid behind a van, hoping his pursuers would think they lost
him.

“Where’s he at?” he heard them say.

He held his breath. It wasn’t as if he needed to
breathe anyway; it was just a natural impulse. “Go away,” he
willed.

“I saw him jump over the wall. He’s in here,
somewhere over there.”

He heard the voice speak in his direction, and
the footsteps started coming his way. He darted out from his hiding
place and headed for a stairwell. Running up as many flights as he
thought he could before they saw him, he ascended to a level with
only a few parked cars. These seemed to be the permanent parking
places that people leased. He picked a delivery truck to hide
behind.

Unfortunately, the hunters figured out her was
on this level. “He’s right over there,” one said, and they began to
walk in his direction.

He ran to the opposite stairwell, but there was
someone waiting for him. “Ha ha, gotcha!”

A van pulled up next to them, and they loaded
the zombie in the back and sped off.

He was taken to a large warehouse full of cages
and stuffed into one. A man who held himself with confidence and
arrogance walked into the room. He inspected the zombies in the
cages, pointed to the newly captured zombie, and said, “He’s in
good shape. Let’s use this one.”

He was pulled out of the cage, tied up, and
blindfolded. They led him through a series of halls and into a
large, loud room. When they pulled the blindfold off, he found
himself in a large cage on the floor of a makeshift auditorium.
Bleachers were assembled all around the cage, making him the main
event in the middle.

A man, shirtless and shining with sweat, entered
the cage. From somewhere behind him, something hit the zombie over
the head. He spun around, angry and confused.

While the zombie’s back was to him, the
contender punched him between the shoulder blades. He spun back
around, and the man punched him in the face. When he put his arms
up to protect his face, the man grabbed an arm, pulled it behind
his back, and pinned the zombie to the floor.

The zombie lay limp, hoping that meant the fight
was over. Instead, the contender grabbed the back of his head and
slammed his face into the floor. Once, twice, and when his head was
being pulled back again, the third hit was interrupted by the
sounds of a megaphone.

“Everybody freeze! Put your hands up!” The man
released his grip on the zombie and climbed off of his back. “This
is a raid. We know about the illegal zombie-fighting ring.
Everyone, file out this way in an orderly manner.”

An officer in plain clothes came into the ring
and said, “Hey there buddy, it’s okay now. Come on, let’s get you
all cleaned up.”

(back to
TOC)

****

Zombie Dungeon

“Oh god, please stop,” the man screamed in
pain.

He was chained to a wall by his neck, secured
with padlocks. Although his legs and arms were free, that didn’t do
him any good. The chains were too high for him to sit on the
ground, he was forced to stand. He could reach the chains, but he
could do nothing to get out of them. His captors wouldn’t come
close enough for him to reach them.

The wall was stone, and the room was large and
open. Every twenty feet there was another set of chains, and most
of them had occupants.

Any time of the day or night, men in black
uniforms and red armbands would come in, pick a subject, and run
“tests.” They would hold clipboards and use various items on the
men. Usually, that meant hitting the men with various items like
crowbars and baseball bats, or shooting them with crossbows,
nailguns, and tasers.

The last thing Sergeant Riggs remembered before
waking up in the dungeon was being attacked out in the field. When
he walked by a tree, an enemy soldier ambushed him from behind and
bit him on the neck. It shouldn’t have been a life-threatening
wound, but he found his energy slowly winding down until he was too
exhausted to move. He fell to the ground and died lying on his
back, looking directly into the sun.

Now he was undead and chained to a wall in a
cellar. A “scientist” was back, just staring at him this time. Once
again, Sergeant Riggs tried to speak. His tongue had been swollen
since he died, and it was hard to enunciate. On top of that, his
captors spoke only German, and he spoke only English. This made
them treat him as if he were dumb.

The man in front of him went away and came back
with a bucket full of baseballs. The baseballs were dirty and
stained with what he guessed was blood. Sergeant Riggs’ favorite
game was baseball, and it sickened him to think what the scientist
was going to do with the balls in the bucket.

The man in the black uniform picked up a ball
and threw it as hard as he could at Sergeant Riggs’ legs. He tried
to kick the ball away, but he missed, and it hit him right on the
knee. He screamed out in pain.

After making another note on his clipboard, the
scientist aimed another ball at his chest. Riggs caught it this
time. Before he had time to react, the scientist whipped another
ball at his chest. If he had still had breath, it would’ve knocked
it out of him. Instead, it merely caused him pain and made him drop
the ball.

Then the man picked up a fourth ball and aimed
it at his head. Before he could throw, he was interrupted by the
sound of commotion coming down the stairs. They heard shots, and a
body in black uniform and red armband fell down the stairs. The
rest of the scientists picked up the weapons near them and rushed
to the stairs. The prisoners saw them fall down the stairs one by
one, and the ones that could, cheered.

Soldiers in green fatigues with the American
flag on the sleeves flooded into the room. Sergeant Riggs was
joined by the other captives calling for help. A soldier found a
hacksaw and went to work on Riggs chains, all the while saying
things like, “You poor man. I’ll get you out of here brother, just
hold on. What did these savages do to you?”

Soon, all the captives were released and the
soldiers took them back to safety.

(back to
TOC)

****

Idleness Brings Want

The bard was sitting on the riverbank,
playing a song for summer. He attracted the ladies, who would
spread blankets in the grass and watch him play. His songs were
sweet, and his looks were handsome. He had lush blonde hair and
bright blue eyes.

When he wasn’t playing and singing, he would
take off his jacket and flex his muscles, and the ladies would
swoon.