Breakable (10 page)

I
swallowed, shifted my weight. Felt incredibly uncomfortable – and aware that we
were drawing an audience.

A
couple girls stood a few feet away, books in hand. Probably on their way to see
the librarian but unable to because I stood in the middle of the walkway having
a private reunion.

To
be fair, they didn’t look like they minded.

I
couldn’t take my eyes off Dex. But I didn’t know what to say. Or what to do.

But
in yet another display of a Dex I’d never met, he stepped forward, took my
hand, and leaned gently down to whisper in my ear.

“They
didn’t expel me, Stellar,” he said, using the pet name he’d had for me. I bit
my lip. “They sent me to rehab.”

That’s
when it all clicked into place.

Chapter Twelve

Doctor
is still leaning over the back of his chair to look at me. He frowns. “Dex?”

“My
ex-boyfriend. Kind of.” I still struggle to categorize Dex that way.

Doctor
waits for an explanation. I pretend it’s no big deal.

“Me
and Dex dated sophomore year. In secret.”

“Why
in secret?”

By
this time my scars are hurting and I’m sick of staring at the painting. I use
the time it takes to walk back to my chair to figure out how to answer this.
Doc’s eyes follow me the whole time. No pressure.

“Dex
and I had different friends.”
Meaning he had some.
“But during the
summer between freshman and sophomore year I decided I wanted to learn to
skate. Dex and his friends were the local skaters. We got talking… Things
didn’t get, you know,
personal
between us until we were almost back at
school. At the time he asked me to keep it quiet, so I did.”

…A
warm finger brushed my cheek. I froze while slowly, slowly Dex pushed the chunk
of hair back over my shoulder, his fingers trailing down my back. His eyes
never left the movie, but then – wide eyed and bewildered – I looked up, into
his smile.

“Is
that okay?” he asked quietly.

“Sure.”

Then
he took my hand and laced his fingers into mine.

Thud,
thud, thud. My heart banged against my ribs so loud I was sure he would hear
it. I couldn’t take my eyes off our hands. What did this mean? Were we dating
now? Or was he just flirting? Did this mean I’d go back to school in two weeks
with a boyfriend?! Did I want Dex to be my boyfriend?

Inwardly
slapping myself for even asking the question, I swallowed hard and resolved to
go along with… whatever.

The
remaining twenty minutes were silent except for my heart thumping in time with
the movie soundtrack. Dex’s fingers gripped mine and a couple of times his
thumb traced along the side of my hand, igniting shivers, raising the hair on my
arm.

When
one of the other guys got up to get a drink Dex let go of my hand. He leaned
into my ear and whispered “Just don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“So,
you two were dating.”

Were
we? I suppose. “Yes.”

“And?”

“And,
we had this, like, secret relationship for almost a year.”

“Secret?
How do you manage that at high school?”

I
shrug and hiss again, cursing my body. I’m trying to let Doc know this is no
big deal. At least, not the way he wants to think it is.

But
my scars still remind me what happened every time I move.

Still,
it’s better than the days when I’d cry just trying to roll over in bed.

“Stacy?”

Sigh.
“I don’t know. We’d talk on the phone. Sometimes at school.  But we never
touched in public. And we didn’t tell anyone. If we went on a date, it was to
the next town over so we wouldn’t run into anyone we knew.”

Doctor’s
frowning at his notebook and scribbling furiously. It makes me nervous. Then
his hand stops skittering across the paper. “Why did you break up?”

“He
left.”

Doc
waits. I roll my eyes. “Well, I thought he got expelled from school. When I
didn’t hear from him, I assumed he was being disciplined by his parents. But…”

“But?”

“But
that wasn’t right. He was a drug addict. Turns out he did take a swing at the
teacher who caught him tagging the gym. But his Dad made a deal with the school
that he’d go to live-in-rehab, and if he could stay clean for nine months,
they’d let him come back.

He’d
always been moody. Sometimes disappeared for days without an explanation. When
his head was clear, he was amazing. But he disappeared just when I thought we
were getting serious. I’d been left thinking he hadn’t even cared enough to
tell me goodbye.

Doctor’s
brows dip over his nose. “I assume you would have been happy for people to know
you were dating Dex?”

“Yeah.
I guess. But I wasn’t ever sure that’s what we were doing, so...”

“So
he hid you. From your peers.”

“Yes.
You don’t need to make it sound so serious. We were fifteen.”

“Yes.
Yet most of your peers were very overt about their relationships, weren’t they?”

I
snort. “Dex was an outcast too. A druggy.”

“An
outcast too afraid to let his peers know he was attracted to you.”

“Thanks
for putting it that way.”

Doctor
sighs and shifts in his seat. “Stacy, I’m sorry he did that to you.”

Having
prepared myself to defend against a lecture on respecting myself, I’m off
balance. I don’t answer.

“It
concerns me though, that you were willing to accept that kind of relationship.
It says a lot about how you gauge your own value.”

Yeah,
yeah. “Past history, Doc. Dex wouldn’t get within five feet of me now.”

“By
your choice, or his?”

Probably
both. “Mine. Look, I know you’re going deep here, but this is old news now. It
doesn’t have anything to do with what happened.”

“Perhaps
not directly, but I think your perspective on yourself has a lot to do with the
very drastic situation you found yourself in.”

Oh,
gawd. “With all due respect–”

Doc
raises his hands. “We’ll move on in a moment. Let me ask you one more question:
If you walked out of here today and someone you admired – say, someone like
Mark – were to ask you to get involved in a secret relationship now. Would you
do it?”

Totally
. “No.” 
I’d have hair implants
and call myself a cat if it meant Mark would stroke me one more time.

Doc
stares at me and there’s a disconcerting second where I’m sure he can read my
mind. But he just writes something on his pad. “So, Dex left. But then he
returns. I take it by the surprise you expressed that he hadn’t told you he was
coming?”

“No.”

“And
did he attempt to reignite this secret relationship?”

“Sort
of...”

I
ran out of class as soon as the bell rang that afternoon, intending to get home
to talk to Older Me. But I was barely out the gates when Mark pulled over in
his truck and pushed the passenger door open.

“Thanks,”
I said as I clambered in. He nodded.

He
put the truck in gear and pulled back into the road, raising a hand to someone
as they passed.

“So,
Dex is back,” he said quietly, as soon as we were moving.

“Subtle,”
I said dryly.

Mark
raised an eyebrow, but kept his eyes on the road. “You okay?”

“I’m
fine. Why?”

He
did glance at me then. “Oh, I don’t know. The guy that screwed with your head
and then disappeared has just showed up again. I guess I
might
have
worried you’d be a little upset.”

I
shrugged. “I was surprised. But we talked and he seemed–”

“When
did you talk to him?” Mark snapped, glaring at me.

I
turned to look at him, surprised. “He waited for me in the library because he
wanted to – wait, what are you aggravated about?”

Mark
returned his eyes to the road, but he was frowning. “I’m not aggravated. I just
don’t want to see you get hurt again. The guy’s a jackass.”

“I
wouldn’t argue with that.”

“So,
what are you doing talking to him?”

“What,
I should just walk past him and pretend I don’t see him when he’s right in
front of me?”

“Sounds
like a plan to me.”

I
gaped. “Why are you being so harsh?”

“Why
are you defending him?”

“I’m
not defending him!”

Mark’s
knuckles were white from his grip on the steering wheel. His jaw flexed.

His
anger warmed me in a way. But I was floored by it. Why was he upset? It wasn’t
like I was dating Dex again. Or even considering it. Not really.

“You
were a mess when he left,” Mark said quietly. “I don’t want you getting hurt
like that again.”

“Well,
thanks,” I said. “But it isn’t going to happen. I’m smarter now. And he’s
changed.”

Mark
snorted. “Changed his clothes, maybe.”

“He’s
been in rehab.”

Mark’s
eyebrows shot up. “That’s true?”

“I
think so. I mean, he looks really different. And he was acting different too.”

The
little muscles in his jaw twitched. We were almost to my house. I was desperate
to talk to Older Me, but also kind of enjoying Mark’s concern.

“Just
don’t do anything stupid,” Mark said as we pulled into my driveway.

“Oh,
thanks.”

“You
know what I mean. Sometimes people aren’t as good as they look. Just because
you want to believe they care, doesn’t mean they actually do.”

The
irony would have been delicious if it didn’t turn my stomach. Images of Finn
and Karyn flashed through my head. I could feel the weight and shape of the
words in my mouth.

She’s
cheating on you.

He’s
betraying you.

But
what I actually said was, “Thanks.”

Mark
looked skeptical, but offered a lopsided grin. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah.
Thanks for the ride.”

It
was hard to walk to the house and open the door without looking back. Hard not
to watch him pull out and drive away. Hard not to call him back and confess
everything.

But
I knew they were right. Even if Mark believed me (which I wasn’t certain of),
no one else would. Mark wouldn’t just end up hurt by his friend and girlfriend.
He’d be derided by everyone else for listening to me. I couldn’t paint that
kind of target on his back.

I
had to make sure he saw the truth with his own eyes.

Which
meant, Dexter or not, tomorrow I had to walk into the lion’s den.

I
shook my head as I crossed the living room and headed down the hall. Older Me
wasn’t going to believe this.

Older
Me paced on the other side of the mirror, arms folded, mouth turned down. To me
it looked like she was pacing on my floor. I wondered what room I was in for
her.

Every
so often she’d glance nervously over her shoulder.

“Rehab?!”
she whispered.

“That’s
what he said. You should see him! He seriously looks like he just walked out of
a magazine. I almost fell over when he showed up in the library.”

She
stopped pacing and turned, frowning so hard several lines formed in her brow.
“Stacy, you have to stay away from him. You know that right?”

“Of
course.” Though to myself I’d admit a curiosity about this “new” Dex.

“I’m
serious.”

I
rolled my eyes. “I’ve already had the lecture from Mark. Don’t you start in
too.”

“Mark?
Mark lectured you?”

“He
drove me home today and acted like I’d already sacrificed myself at the Dexter
Conway alter. Seriously.”

Older
Me chewed her lip. “It’s nice that he’s looking out for you.”

“It’d
be nicer if he’d open his eyes about his own
friends
,” I muttered.

Older
Me sagged. “Yeah…that…”

I
couldn’t get a read on her. She’d seemed surprised when I told her what I saw between
Karyn and Finn. But I expected outrage – maybe even a speech about how I had to
tell Mark the truth, regardless.

Instead
she just got quiet like this. Sad.

“Will
he figure it out?” I asked her, my voice so low it was almost a whisper. I
didn’t want to break whatever reverie she was in. I didn’t want her to realize
I was asking about our future.

So
I cursed when her eyes cut up to meet mine and the dazed, distant look
disappeared. Then her head snapped around and she muttered something I didn’t catch.
When she turned back to me, she wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Look, I have to go–”

“Again?”
She’d been running off almost every time we talked. I knew she had to be
careful after Tom heard her yell the other night. But this was getting
ridiculous.

“I’m
sorry. But…I have to go. My ride is here.”

That
was when I realized what had been bothering me ever since she showed up in the
mirror. She looked…different. A little more put together than usual. She was in
black slacks (a little too tight in the thighs) with a simple, collared
button-up over the top. Her hair had been blown out. She had a little make-up
on.