Breaking Down Sydney (Sydney West #2) (10 page)

Chapter Seventeen

Jason and I parted at my dorm. Hunter was picking him up in a few minutes. He kissed me good-bye before leaving. I had the place to myself since Amelia had to meet some classmates at the library for a group project. I took the opportunity to call my mom and see if she’d crack and tell me what she told Jason.

“Sydney, what’s up?” Mom asked, trying to act like she was my age and knew what was cool. She had no clue she sounded lame.

“Just got home and thought I’d call you,” I said, sitting down on my bed.

“That’s sweet. Is Jason still with you?”

“No, he went to his place. I’m in my dorm. Thinking of watching a show or something before doing my homework.”

She laughed. “Breaks are rare in college. I remember those days…”

Please, not another story! She never shuts up about her past, sometimes going too much into detail. I never wanted to know what went down when she conceived me.

“So…” I said, trying to bring her back to reality.

“I like that Jason boy. He’s sweet.”

“You really think so?” I asked, leaning back against my pillows.

“Yes. He’s not pressuring you to
do
anything, is he?” Her voice went from airy to firm in one second flat.

If she only knew my list of summer boys, but then she’d probably have a heart attack. “No, he’s not.” It wasn’t a lie, there was no pressure. We both wanted to have sex.

“Good. You know how to deal with peer pressure. I’m glad you’re such a strong, young woman.”

The guilt was getting heavier on my shoulders. It was like she knew and was testing me. “Yeah…so what did you tell Jason when I was in the bathroom?” I didn’t want to ask point blank, but I had to change the subject.

“Oh, that. It’s nothing to worry about.”

She was being vague on purpose. It was like my mom and Jason were plotting against me.

“But—”

“Honey, why can’t I talk to the boy in your life privately? You don’t need to know everything. I was simply talking to him, making sure he’s worthy of you. Plus it doesn’t hurt to put the fear of God in him.”

Ugh, she threatened him.

“You told him you’d hurt him, didn’t you? If he hurt me?”

“I’m your mom. I do that kind of stuff.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. Of course that was what she’d do. I knew it.

“And worthy?” I paused for a moment. I got what she meant with that. “Oh, you don’t mean husband-worthy, do you?” I moaned.

She’ll never give it up!

“Sydney, please, I’m not getting any younger. I’d like to meet my grandchildren.”

“What if I don’t have any children? I don’t want to fill all the gender roles of a woman. I just want a career, a life!”

Mom sighed, as if all her fight had escaped, leaving her empty. “Couldn’t you humor me, just once? Honestly, Sydney, I wish you never took that damn sociology class.”

“That class only gave me facts. It didn’t make me desire to never have kids or get married.”

“I hope that changes. Family is one of the best things someone can have in their life.”

How many times have I had this conversation with my mother? A trillion? It was pointless. She didn’t understand me. I never wanted kids, never thought I did…but I wonder…if Jason and I had kids, what would they look like? Maybe our baby would have dirty blonde hair like me and silver eyes, like Jason. I shook my head. Never have I pictured having kids, not until just now.

“Maybe it will…I don’t know. I have to go.”

“Okay, sweetheart.” She sounded happier, most likely because I said the word “maybe” and stopped fighting. I knew she wanted grandchildren and it was up to me to provide them. That’s the drawbacks of being an only child. Who knew I’d ever consider having kids. I never wanted them and always made damn sure I never had a surprise pregnancy, yet I wanted to know what a baby face would look like with Jason’s strong cheekbones and maybe my smile. Ugh, what was happening to me?

I put my cell phone on the desk and surfed the TV channels for something to watch. I clicked on one of my favorite shows and laid back in my bed. The show was over a decade old, but its jokes were timeless. No matter how many times I watched it, I still laughed at the same punchlines.

***

My phone wouldn’t stop ringing and now it was buzzing, forcing me to wake up. I must’ve fallen asleep after watching one too many episodes. It took me a minute to gather myself and get my cell. With it in hand, I sat on the foot of the bed and looked at the phone’s face.

Mom:
Tried 2 call. Your dad is getting worse. He’s back in the hospital. The doctors might have to involve hospice. Not looking good, baby.

I stared blankly at my phone.
Was it true? Was my father actually dying?
My mouth went dry at the thought.

What was I supposed to do with that knowledge? Go to the hospital and wait, or stay home?

Me: What should I do?

Mom: If u want to say good-bye I’d go to the hospital.

Me: Okay, I think I will.

Mom: I’m sorry, baby. I love u.

Me: Love u 2.

I sat on my bed, numb. I never thought that my father would lose his battle with cancer. I never thought I’d actually have to say good-bye, not now.

Fear washed over me. I didn’t want to go alone, and I had no siblings to call.
Damn being an only child!

I didn’t want to bother Amelia. Her class project was due in two days. I had no other friends I trusted with this.

No one except…Jason.

But I never wanted Jason to see this part of me, the side that was weak, scared, and broken. It was either Jason or face the music solo. My stomach was in knots. Both sounded like a death sentence to me.

I’m selfish. My father was dying and I was worried about Jason judging me.

I broke down and texted him. I asked him for a favor, hoping he’d be too busy with homework to respond. He replied within a minute.

Jason:
A favor? 4 u anything.

Bless his soul. He probably was thinking of something kinky.

Me: Can u take me 2 the hospital?

Jason: U sick?

Me: No, my father.

Jason: Oh, sure thing. Coming over now.

Me:
Thx.

My chest felt tight, like a hand was inside me, twisting all my organs. I managed to stand and wander to my dresser. My reflection in the mirror revealed all the unshed tears in my blue eyes.

It was no use. I couldn’t put makeup on, not when I was probably going to cry sometime during the day. I was wearing a simple blank tank top and jeans, like I was going to the mall, like nothing was wrong.

Jason knocked on my door and I exited, not letting him step inside. I didn’t want to wait any longer. I needed the pain to be over, like a Band-Aid I needed to pull off fast.

The radio softly whispered, but no words were spoken for the entire car ride. It was as if Jason knew I wasn’t ready to talk about my father yet.

It wasn’t until I stood outside the glass doors of the hospital that I finally spoke. “I’m scared.”

Jason took my hand, squeezing it. “Your dad is going to pull through.” He gave me a smile. The boy had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t told him everything.

“There’s something I never told you,” I said quietly, turning my back on the building.

“What?” His silver eyes were like stars. I wanted to hide in them.

“My father has gotten worse. They don’t think he’ll make it. The doctors are thinking of putting him into hospice care.”

“Oh, Syd.” Jason took me in his arms, hugging me tightly. Normally I didn’t like to be hugged, especially if it felt like it was out of pity, but Jason’s hug warmed me. It was out of love.

Tears fell down my cheeks onto Jason’s shirt. I pushed him away. “Let’s go in before I lose all my nerve.”

Jason nodded, taking my hand. “I’m here for you.”

I smiled. “I know, thank you. I don’t think I could handle this alone.”

With one last squeeze, Jason led me into the hospital. I was choking on my tears. Jason had to tell the front desk receptionist who we were visiting.

A nurse in blue scrubs smiled at me with that sad smile. “Who are you looking for?”

We were on the fifth floor and couldn’t find the room number my father was in.

“Mr. West,” Jason replied.

“Oh, yes…Follow me.” The tone of her voice said it all. My father was dying.

You should be happy. You never wanted a dad anyway.

I forced the morbid thoughts away as the nurse took us to an isolated room. It was a room to get comfortable in and prepare to meet Death.

Jason had to give me a gentle push inside. I moved the curtain and saw what was left of my father on a blinding white hospital bed. He laid there, limp, like a doll…no, worse, like a noodle. Machines were making him breathe and were telling his heart to pump.

My God, how could this happen to someone? My father was mean, but no one deserves this.

The doctor walked in behind us. “You must be his daughter. I’m Doctor Ross.” We shook hands. “Your father slipped into a coma about an hour ago. We’re doing as much as we can for him.”

“Will he wake up?” Jason asked, trying to keep the air from going stiff.

“We’re not sure.”

Jason nodded. “Can he hear us?”

The doctor gave my father a grim look, the kind someone would give a dog who got hit by a car. “I’d like to think so. A lot of patients’ families talk to them and claim it helps.”

Out of the blue, I felt dizzy. Jason pulled a chair closer to me. I sat down, giving him half a smile. It was all I could manage.

The doctor talked some more, but I couldn’t hear him. My ears ached due to the shrill sound of the beeping machine. My eyes stung at the sight of the gray shell that was supposed to be my father. My nose burned as the overpowering smell of anesthetics hit me. I had to be dreaming. I loathed my father, but this was cruel. It was like my darkest wish had come true. No, it
was
coming true. Since my father ruined my childhood, I wished he would die, that he’d wither away, and there he was, doing just that. Guilt hung its hat on my head. How could I be such an evil person?

Doctor Ross was paged away, leaving us alone. Jason sat on the arm of my chair, keeping his arm around my shoulders. He was silent for a heartbeat and then cleared his throat. “Why don’t you try talking to him?”

I wiped away a tear that escaped, looking at the body of a man I once knew. “What do I say?”

“Say whatever you want. Get things off your chest. He may not be able to reply, but he can hear you.”

“Okay,” I said, sniffing.

“Here, I’ll move your chair closer.” I stood up and Jason moved my chair right next to my father’s side. He patted the top of it for me, as if preparing me to sit down in a rollercoaster when what I was really doing was struggling to say my last words to my comatose father.

“Do you want me to go outside? I’ll stay in the hallway if you need me.”

I looked up at Jason. He scanned my father with his silver eyes. Who knew what was going on inside Jason’s head? “No, you can stay. I don’t want to be alone.”

He nodded. “All right, I’m here.” Jason sat on the arm of my chair. His face grew somber, as if he’d turned into a silent protector. Maybe he was Batman, or perhaps I was truly insane.

I bit my bottom lip and reached out for my father’s hand, but I didn’t touch him. He was too thin. If I made contact, he’d probably turn to dust. For years, I wanted to scream rants at him, but now I didn’t know how to start. My tongue was tied and my nerves were shot.

Jason gently rubbed circles on my back. “It’s okay, Syd. Say whatever’s on your mind. This is for you, not him.”

“You’re right.” I sat up straighter and looked at the doll-like face that was supposed to be my parent, my protector. “Dad, I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve this, but what you did to Mom and me wasn’t deserved either. All you did was bring anger and sadness into our home. I heard my mom cry more times than I can count when she thought I was asleep. You woke me up on school nights as you slammed cabinets and the fridge door after coming home drunk or high or whatever the hell you did when you didn’t come home.” I paused. My body was shaking from grief, anger…all my built up emotions were hitting me at once.