Breaking Down Sydney (Sydney West #2) (16 page)

A morbid metaphor came to me.

I’m like a butterfly, pretty to look at but once captured I freak out and die.

I didn’t know how to handle being with Jason. He’s so pure. I didn’t know a guy could be like that. He’s too perfect, and I’m a mess. Did we match or were we a circle trying to fit into a square’s space like that child’s game with different shaped blocks?

I’m an idiot. I’m comparing the love of my life to fucking baby toys and myself to a butterfly! What the hell? Maybe I should be alone for how stupid I am when it comes to people. Maybe I shouldn’t be a therapist if I can’t even get my own life under control.

Fear knotted in my stomach. I didn’t want to end up like Rachel and Ross did in the show
Friends
when Rachel wanted space from Ross. He ended up cheating on her and started that notorious “we were on a break” fight in the third season. I didn’t think Jason would cheat, but I didn’t want to risk losing him for any reason.

Maybe he feared I’d cheat on him. After all, I did have a bad track record and an ex had already cheated on him. He probably feared that would happen again. I’d never do that to him, though. I’d rather swim with sharks than break Jason’s heart.

I wiped my tears and slid on my black coat. I stepped into a pair of flats and ran down the hallway, hoping he was still waiting for the elevator. No one was in sight. I hit the button and waited. It felt like hours. I debated going down the stairs when the elevator dinged. Three girls came out laughing and passed me without a second glance. I hit the ground level and bit my lip as the steel doors shut. When they opened, I bolted and searched for Jason in the lobby. Maybe he was waiting the storm out, but the only people there were a couple making out on a couch and the girl behind the desk.

My heart fell to the cement as I walked past the glass doors. The rain fell down my face, mixing with my tears. I stumbled and leaned against a cement column. The words on a “missing bike” flyer bled down the piece of paper it was on.

It was all my fault. Jason was gone. I felt beaten and broken by my own hand. The rain soaked through my coat into my bones. After a few heartbeats, I found what was left of my strength to go back inside and up the elevator.

I tossed my wet clothes into the bathtub and slid on a fresh pair of underwear and a purple nightgown. All my nerves were shot, and I broke down crying onto my pillows. It was the kind of cry that was messy and made it hard to breathe. After some debate, I grabbed my phone and sent Jason a text.

Me: I’m sorry for my outburst. I hope u got home okay.

For five minutes I stared at my phone and nothing happened. I hugged Scooby-Doo to my chest and read a book to keep my mind off our fight.

My cell phone buzzed. I picked it up and read.

Jason: Got home fine. I’m going to give u the space u want.

I stared at his words. That wasn’t what I wanted. I needed him in bed with me to keep me warm. My phone slid through my fingers onto the floor. The book wasn’t holding my interest anymore. I tossed it aside and curled into a ball, trying to sleep while clinging to Scooby.

Sometime later, the door opened. I peeked through my eyelashes only to see Amelia with a wet mop of hair. She looked at me and tiptoed to the bathroom, probably thinking I was asleep.

I didn’t want to talk to her about my fight with Jason, not yet. All I could do was close my eyes and focus on my breathing, hoping it would lead me to dreamland.

That wasn’t working. All I thought about was Jason falling out of love with me and finding a “nice” girl, one who wasn’t cold and insane when it came to her emotions.

I needed to find a way to prove to Jason I loved him and that I was sure about him, that those summer boys were of a past that belonged to another girl who didn’t truly know who she was. All I knew was I liked sex but didn’t understand the satisfaction a relationship could provide and how that made sex ten times better. Somehow I’ll learn to think before I speak. For fuck’s sake, I’m a psychology major. If I saw someone else living my life, I’d point out the errors and try to guide the girl back onto the right path. Yet I let my life unravel. The irony made me sick.

I, Sydney Anne West, need to get my priorities straight or I’m going to forever regret my choices in life. I don’t want to be depressed and have a hundred cats.
I want to have Jason and an apartment somewhere. He can have his computer business and I’ll have a therapy office in the city. We’d eat dinner together and do random, fun things on the weekends. We’d take trips on our vacations and maybe have Amelia and Hunter tag along too.

That was my new dream, something I needed to work toward. I inhaled Scooby’s scent as Amelia came into the room and pawed through her dresser.

Just let your doubt go. Jason loves you. You love him. Let everything else be.

Who knew the voices in my head would give me words to live by? Now to put them into action and stop falling back to my wicked ways.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Jason wasn’t lying. He gave me space, all right. For a week, all I saw was the inside of classrooms and the bookstore. I longed for Jason’s touch. My entire being missed him when I was in bed. It was hard to fall asleep, and when I did the dreams were hideous. Food tasted bitter. Amelia happily talked about Hunter, making my stomach twist. If I had any more space, I’d go mad and my heart would grow icicles again. I wanted to move forward, not back, but what could I do to show Jason I was ready? Maybe he would come to me? I had no idea, and I hated being lost.

It was Halloween, and Amelia was hell-bent on going to a party. For most Halloweens I’d dress up as a witch. All I wore was a black dress with the hat and heels, nothing fancy. Amelia always poked fun at me. Mostly because I was usually a bitch, and being a witch was so hilarious. I never laughed.

Due to the feud with Jason, dressing as a witch felt wrong on many levels. Amelia dragged me to get a costume with her a while ago. She settled for a sweet fairy. The short pink dress and glittered wings made her look pretty. The stilettos she wore made her sexy, and the heels were wide enough that she couldn’t fall in them unless someone pushed her, but that was another issue.

It was harder for me. I didn’t want to dress slutty and annoy Jason. There was no need to flash the world my breasts or ass at a time like this. If anything, it would make matters worse. I was going to opt for a
Scream
mask and a black cape, but Amelia refused to be seen with me if I wore it. My costume ended up being a Renaissance princess. All I had to wear was a tight, yet long velvet green dress. It had gold trim with a thin golden belt around the waist. It came with a matching velvet halo with a flowing veil, but I tossed that. With my black sky high heels, which went unnoticed, and dramatic eye makeup, I was ready for the party I didn’t want to attend.

The party was like any other I attended before, though most didn’t involve costumes. There was the group trying to drink each other under the table. In the corner were all the couples who wanted to make out. Upstairs were the more horny people, humping each other like crazed bunnies. I remembered being one of those girls in California. Hell, I fucked a rock star just because I could. Memories burned me, reminding me of the girl who denied love existed. With two handfuls of my dress, I went to find the hard liquor. Their watered down beer wouldn’t do the trick.

The bar was in the kitchen, hidden in a cabinet. The host must be pushing the beer, hence all the kegs scattered in every room. I was a rule breaker, so I opened the whiskey and poured myself a glass.

“Thought I’d find you in here.” Amelia gave me half a smile. There was a red cup in her hand. Hunter stood at her side, dressed as a pirate. He nodded in my direction.

My heart ached. If Hunter was around, then Jason could be too.

“The beer sucks here, in my opinion,” I said, raising the whiskey bottle for emphasis.

“Come on out. The DJ is about to play some sick music. We can dance together.” She grabbed my arm, trying to pull me away from my beloved Jack Daniels.

“If we dance too close, people will think we’re together.” I brushed her off and took another shot.

She shrugged and gave me a shy smile. “Maybe it will keep the weirdos away.”

Hunter snorted. “I’ll be sure there are no weirdos around.” He cracked his knuckles in an attempt to look tough.

Amelia patted his arm. “I know, honey. You can protect us from the sidelines.” Her eyes flicked back to me. “Don’t you want to have fun, Syd? A fight with Jason isn’t a good enough reason to hide away.”

“I’ll probably be a downer, but you two have fun.” I leaned against the counter, hoping she’d give up on me and take Hunter to the dance floor, leaving me alone with Jack.

She hooked her arm with mine. My plan to hide in the background backfired. I was forced to down my shot and be towed to the dance floor.

In reality, the dance floor was a living room with all the furniture removed. Amelia grinded her hips and held her cup over her head. Instead of dancing, I was more swaying and trying to keep disgusting men’s sticky fingers from touching Amelia and me. Hunter gave every guy who came an arm’s reach of us the stink eye.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone familiar. With a closer look I realized it was Jason, dressed up in a violet blue Renaissance suit. My gut twisted and my heart pounded. I had so much I wanted to say to him, but my mouth went dry.

He spotted me and moved closer. My flight or fight kicked in. I chose fight. People cussed under their breath as I pushed myself out of the crowd. One guy portraying a zombie almost spilled his beer down my front. In that moment, I didn’t care. I needed to get to Jason. Someone bumped me, pushing me into a couple making out. I stopped for a moment to grab more of my dress and continued to move, only I lost sight of Jason.

On my tiptoes, I saw at least one hundred people dancing and drinking. There were girls in short dresses playing nurse to guys dressed up like they were from a past decade. Some couples matched. My favorite was a girl dressed as an outlet and her boyfriend the plug.

I scanned the back wall, finding the line for the restroom extremely long, like it was for every party. As I made my way through the heart of the crowd, the pounding music cut off. The walls weren’t vibrating anymore, making the room feel odd. People moaned, shouting at the DJ to fix the issue.

“I’m sorry, but my friend here has a special message for his girl,” the DJ said. There was some static as he passed the mic.

I ignored everyone. My goal was to find Jason.

“Sydney, if you’re here I want you to know I love you and I’m sorry for our stupid fight.” It was Jason.

Most of the crowd
aww’d
. A few guys shouted “Wuss!” and “Whipped!” But Jason stood on that stage as if awaiting his Oscar.

A tingling sensation spread across my body. His voice froze me. All I could do was listen to his delicious voice.

“I don’t want any more space between us. The only way I saw fit to show you how much you mean to me is to sing. So, Road Dog…”

“Here’s to you, Miss Sydney. I wouldn’t let this one go if I was you, girl,” Road Dog said before putting on some music.

I recognized the song in seconds. It was Emilie Autumn’s song “Opheliac.” The tempo rose, but Emilie didn’t sing the first verse, Jason did. He sang my favorite song to me in front of everyone. The lyrics tattooed on my arm burned. Jason was showing the most romantic public devotion of love I’d ever witnessed and all I could do was stare wide-eyed.

The crowd burst into applause when he finished. He even got a few whistles. As he departed the stage and made his way over to me, a girl dressed as a sexy leopard tried to come on to him. Her bosom was pushed up so high that her breasts could’ve been a necklace. Jason paid her no attention. He was staring straight at me.

I felt myself smile as I clapped. “I never knew you could sing. I’m speechless, you—”

Jason smirked. “It’s a hobby,” he joked. The distance between us disappeared. His fingers brushed my lips. “All I wanted was to see that smile again.”

My smile grew. “You have a way with words, don’t you?”

He took my hand in his, kissing it. “I can do more than say fancy words.” His silky voice slid over me. All I wanted was to pour myself onto him.

“I know…” I blushed, shaking off the memories of him in bed. His silver eyes shined. He knew what I was thinking of and was proud. The music became soft, a perfect melody to dance to.

“May I?” Jason asked, offering me his hand.

All my nerves melted away. Being with Jason was natural, as if I’d always belonged with him. “Yes.”

His hands slipped into position, one at my hip and the other on my shoulder. I placed my hands on his back, pressing him into me. I missed his touch, his scent, his smile. I missed everything about him.

“You’re so soft,” he murmured, stroking my hip.

“It’s the velvet.” I laughed. “You’re quite soft yourself.”

We laughed together. Our eyes met, and for a second the world slowed down. My lips parted as he kissed me. He still tasted the same, like home.

“Jason, it’s me who’s sorry. I don’t want you to—”

He kissed me again, killing my words. “Do you wanna get out of here?” he whispered into my ear.

I nodded. “I’ll go anywhere with you, but I need to tell Amelia.” I scanned the room for her and Hunter.

Jason chuckled. “She set this up.”

My attention went back to him. I felt my eyes narrow. “What do you mean she set this up?”

“She wanted us to talk. Her plan was to get you here and have me find you. I did the rest.”

That sounded like Amelia. No wonder she was so excited about this party.

I kissed Jason. “You’re such a sucker for love.”

“Sue me.” He moved his hands past my hips to cup my ass. I missed his touch on my bare skin. Need pooled in my belly. I had to have Jason—now.

“Let’s go then.” I tugged him toward the exit.

“Whoa! You don’t mess around, do you?” He chuckled, shaking his head.

“Not when I haven’t been touched in more days than I care to count,” I said, giving him a wicked smile.

On the way out, Amelia lightly slapped my shoulder and gave me a nod of approval as she danced with Hunter. I winked at her and stepped into the night air.

I wanted to say so much. The words were loud in my head. When I tried to talk, my tongue tied, messing up anything I tried to say. I sighed, unsure where to begin. Jason brushed his fingers up and down my tattoo before leaning forward and kissing my lips. “I know, Syd. Going on a break gave me time to think.”

I nodded. “Me too. I’ve come to the realization that I need you. No one has cared about me the way you do, and I never want to let you go.”

His eyes took me in, as if I was the only girl in the world. “I know, Syd. These past few days have been rough. More so than being in California without you. It was torture knowing you were so damn close, yet I couldn’t have you.” My heart soared as he started the Jeep. It was as if he knew what I wanted to say.

I led him back to my dorm. We were alone and horny. I stripped off my dress and went to help Jason with his costume. The velvet felt lovely against my skin. I threw his shirt across the room and was working on his pants when he stopped me.

“Wait,” he muttered. His eyes looked troubled.

I bit my lip in frustration. “What? Don’t you have a condom?”

“I have one, but—”

“What’s the problem?” I tugged on his pants again. They fell to his ankles. I licked my lips hungrily. He grabbed my wrists, keeping me from peeling off his boxers.

I frowned up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Where are we going, Syd?” He tilted his head, studying me. It was like we were in a classroom instead of a bedroom.

“We were about to have sex, if you’d let me finish.” I crossed my arms over my chest. His expression gave nothing away.

“I don’t want to only have jumping each other’s bones. I want us to be real. I need to be a part of your life. I don’t want to worry about you cutting me out.” His eyes clouded over. He wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“I thought we were real. You met my parents…kind of.” My father didn’t count much since he was in a coma. “I only think about you. I’d say all that means you’re in my life, so where is this coming from? I thought we were okay.” I backed away from him. Without my dress and Jason’s non-interest in intercourse, I felt naked, unprotected.

“I know, and I appreciate meeting your parents and being there for you in your time of need. I love you more than anything, more than I thought possible after my father ruined my mom and then my ex…” He trailed off and looked past me, staring at something on Amelia’s side of the dorm. “I’ve showed you countless times how much you mean to me, but there’s still this voice in my head that wonders if you still feel the way you did in Cal—”

My heart fell to the floor. “Jason, I need more time than most to show my love. When you met me, I was a wild girl who only had sex for the hell of it. Love was only a word to me, not an emotion, a feeling. I love you more than my dream career, more than…myself, but I’m unsure how to properly express it without sex.” A sob ripped through my throat. I felt like I was losing air, losing him. “I’m not romantic. I’ve been trying to think of a way to prove my love to you, but I always come up blank.” I fought back another sob. “Then you sing my favorite song in front of a party and I’d never think to do that for you. So I’m unsure how to—”

A smile tugged on the edge of his mouth. “You don’t have to be romantic, Syd.” He took me in his arms. The warmth of his skin sent my stomach into knots and made the ache between my thighs double. “I got that part covered.” He kissed my nose. “I just want to know we’re moving forward. I don’t want to stay here forever, but for now we can enjoy each other’s touch—”

I kissed his lips, going down his throat to his collarbones. Flicking out my tongue, I licked him as I took off his boxers. Jason freed my breasts and tugged off my panties. He fell onto the bed, and I climbed on top of him. My breasts hung before him. His lips felt as soft as a feather when they brushed my nipples. My nipples peaked, wishing for more.