Breaking Kate: The Acceptance Series (26 page)

“I was a mess, always crying and trying to learn to live without him. I had never been so hurt by anyone before. I wasn’t eating much and started getting sick, throwing up constantly what little I did get in my system came right back out. Jess took me to the emergency room when I passed out in front of
her. She was terrified I was going to die like my mom did. I can’t begin to imagine how scary that was for her.  It was then I found out I was pregnant. I was admitted for severe dehydration.

“I didn’t know when I got the stomach flu that the antibiotics could decrease the effectiveness of the pill. We were on vacation in the Bahamas—they didn’t ask about the pill and I didn’t think to mention it I was so sick. That’s how I got pregnant. While I was in the hospital, they sent a counselor in to talk to me. She was the reason I chose my career path. I always knew I wanted to work with kids, but I was still trying to figure out in what capacity.

“The counselor helped me understand that even if I felt horrible I had to work toward getting better so that I could take care of myself and my baby. Keeping the baby wasn’t even a question. I already loved it and I knew Michael would come back. It wasn’t easy, but every day I went through the motions. Jess was my rock; she made sure I knew we were in it together. She even figured out how we could stagger our classes so we could both stay in school full time with a baby in the house. I owe her everything. When I was twenty-six weeks along, Jess and I were heading up to see Maryanne for the weekend. The car in front of us blew a tire and lost control. Jess had to slam on her brakes to avoid hitting them head on. The car behind us rear-ended us and knocked us into the center divider. It was a slow speed accident and no one’s fault. I know that now, and I knew it then on some level. The airbag went off and hit my chest and abdomen, the impact causing a placental abruption. I was rushed into surgery, and they were able to control the bleeding, but I lost my little girl that day.”

“Oh god, Kate, I’m so very sorry.”

“I realize it was what was meant to happen. I wouldn’t want a child coming into the world whose father hated its mother. The timing wasn’t right, and one day when I’m ready to be a mommy God will send her back to me. The only people who know are Jess, Maryanne, Marc, my therapist, doctors, and now you. I named her Lila Hope. After that day I was angry for a long time,
so
angry at Michael. I blamed the whole mess on him on the fact that he never knew, and never cared enough to know. I figured God was taking care of something not meant to be because Michael wasn’t involved. Anything to deflect my hurt, after a week or so the anger started to slowly dissipate and I just went back to being broken. Everything I had ever loved and cared for had either left me or died.

“When I say I was broken, I don’t mean I was just hurting or sad. Have you ever been in a place where you just feel like you cease to exist? I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to
be
anymore. Every breath I took was painful—every inhale felt like a knife stabbing me in the heart; the deeper I tried to breathe the more excruciating the pain. I just couldn’t catch my breath and forget about sleep. At first, the nightmares were of Michael yelling at me, taking the ring away, and blaming me for what happened. After Lila, the dreams got worse; I would dream of the life she could have had if Michael and I had stayed together then I would wake up to the crushing reality that my baby girl never was meant to have those moments with me. In my dreams she was always around two years old with my green eyes, my mother’s eyes… and her daddy’s beautiful blonde hair.

“Between Jess, Maryanne and Marc, they got my head on straight. I started doing what the counselor wanted me to—I got up, went to classes, to the cemetery and home; every single day it was the same routine. I threw myself into my books and worked my ass off. Eventually, I started volunteering at the center and that made me feel better. This past year, I’ve finally been healing. I think my psychology classes finally started paying off. I know that even though I’m very angry with Michael,
I still love him, not romantically, but more like a brother that I miss with all my heart.” By now I’m sobbing.

“The only other person in my life was Marc, my soul keeper. He’s one of my best friends and my sounding board when I need a guy’s perspective. We lost our moms the same year and were able to bond in a way nobody could understand. Marc has gotten me through some of the hardest times of my life. Michael doesn’t like him, but who was I supposed to talk to about Michael to get a guy’s opinion? It was always Marc. You’ll like him; he doesn’t like Michael, so you have something in common.

“Then I met Connor; he was my first new friend in years and he took me under his wing. I saw the way he treated other girls, but he was never like that with me. The best thing about meeting Connor is that he led me to you, Daniel; you are my heart.  I think I am finally, truly healed and it’s all because of you.

Daniel exhales loudly before speaking, “I wish I would have met you sooner. I’m so very sorry you have had to go through all of this by yourself. Someday, when you’re ready, I would like to go with you to see your daughter if you wouldn’t mind.”

I shake my head. “No, I wouldn’t mind at all. I’m just not ready yet, but soon, okay?”

“Of course, whenever you want; just let me know. You were right; I like Michael even less after that story. As much as I hate what I’m going to say, I think it’s the right thing to do. You need to find him and settle your differences.

“Kate, the only way you’re going to fully heal, even though you feel better is for you to tell him about his daughter. If it were me I would want to know. I know he ran and fell out of touch but maybe you should find him. I’ll help you. I want you to be able to be whole. I can tell you right now I think he’s a huge jerk. That being said, you do know now that it’s not his fault Lila died, right? It was just not meant to be, baby, and that sucks because things like that shouldn’t happen, but it was just a random freak accident.”

“I know that now. It took a while for me to convince Jess of that; she blamed herself for it for a long time. I knew it wasn’t her fault, and because I had to convince
her
it helped reiterate it to myself that it was just an accident. Knowing that and feeling that are two different things, though.”  He kisses the top of my head.

“Come on,
Kate, let me put you to bed. It’s been a long, wonderful, yet very emotional night, and I think we could both use a good night’s sleep.”

“You’ll stay with me, right?”

“Of course, where else would I go? There is no one I would rather spoon naked and sleep with than you.” I smile up at him and kiss him as he helps me up.

“Me, either.
It’s always going to be you.”

It felt so good telling Daniel everything that has happened to me since Michael left. I really think that was one of the final steps of fully healing. Unfortunately, Daniel is right; the last step needs to be to track down Michael and tell him what happened. I don’t know if I really think he deserves an explanation, but he should know he had a daughter. It’s not something I can put my energy into right
now, though. I’ll do it this summer, and maybe I can tell him about the money, too. I’m truly blessed to have Daniel in my life; he’s willing to face his insecurities about Michael in order to be sure I have closure, even though he’s afraid it could potentially hurt him. It would never even cross my mind to leave Daniel for Michael, especially not after tonight. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had the best weekend; Saturday was spent mostly in bed. We made love more times than I can count and just talked about everything. Daniel was so happy that I accepted his ring. I would have never guessed he was nervous about asking, but he confessed that he was really scared I would say no because it was so soon. There is no way I would have turned him down. I don’t care that it’s so soon; he’s my forever and now everyone can know it. Today we’re having brunch with Jess and Connor before Daniel heads back home. I’m going to miss him so much, but it will only be four days. Pretty soon he’ll be living at Connor’s house again and I won’t have to miss him at all. Just thinking about Daniel moving closer brings a smile to my face.

“What are you smiling about, gumdrop?” Daniel asks as he grabs me around the waist, pulling me in for a quick kiss.

“Just thinking about you moving closer and how happy it makes me.”

“It makes me happy, too; you have no idea, Kate. The thought of going home in a few hours is unbearable, but it will only be four more days and I will have you for the weekend again. So, when did Jess say they were going to be here? Brunch is pretty much done, and if they don’t get here soon, I just might eat it without them. I worked up quite the appetite this morning, but I might be persuaded to nibble on you until they arrive.”

I swear, this man makes my knees weak. He kisses his way up my collarbone, across my neck, and lingers behind my ear just as I start to succumb to his excellent idea. 

“Oh, no you don’t! You invited us for brunch, and although you might be all he needs to eat, we need real food!” Daniel groans and I look over his shoulder.

“Good morning to you, too, Jess. The food’s ready and you’re late as usual, so we were keeping ourselves occupied.” She smirks at me.

“Yeah, we can see that, but it’s not like you haven’t had all weekend to keep yourselves
occu…fuck me, what is on your finger???” I hold my hand out to her proudly displaying my promise ring. “Damn, Daniel. I know you said a promise ring, but that is breathtaking, simple, and stunning.” The boys move into the kitchen while Jess continues to look at my hand. Suddenly, we’re moving and she’s pulling me out onto our patio.

“It’s a big step, Kate. Are you sure you’re ready for all of this? Don’t get me wrong, I am really happy for you, but you have a lot of unresolved issues to deal with still and I just need to know you’re okay.” I wrap her up in a big hug.

“Jess, I’m positive. I’ll fill you in on details later, but it’s been a weekend of awakenings and revelations, and just so you know, I told him everything.” Jess looks at me, wide-eyed and obviously surprised that I had told him about Lila Hope, and her eyes glass over.

“Jess, it’s okay. It was a good thing, and it made me realize that I don’t tell you often enough that you need to forgive yourself. It was an accident, no one was at fault, it just wasn’t meant to be. One day, when the time is right, I will be a mom and you will be the best aunt ever.” 

Nodding her head and trying not to shed her tears, Jess looks at me. “I know you don’t blame me. I think it helps to talk a little about it. I hope you aren’t mad at me, but I told Connor about the accident this weekend. It’s just a part of my life I don’t want to hold back.”

“It’s your life and you need to talk about it, too. I trust you and I trust Connor. It’s not like it really matters who knows—it’s not something shameful to hide—it’s just sad. With time, though, it gets a tiny bit easier. Daniel wants me to find Michael and tell him. It’s not going to be easy, but I need to tell him about the money, too. I don’t have any clue how he is getting by. He may have a ton of student loans about to come due and it might alleviate some pressure for him and Claire.”

Shaking her head, Jess lays into me, “Kate you are too fucking nice. Just remember this, he left you, he cut off all communication with the both of us, and he treated you like dirt. Yeah, he deserves to know all that, but it’s
his
fault he doesn’t know it already. Remember that when you
do
find him don’t let him off easy. Make sure you give him a piece of your mind before letting him know you’re going to make his life better after all this time.” Jess’s voice drops a little lower and sounds a little sadder, “I guess that all the money in the world won’t cushion him from the blow you’re going to give him when you tell him about Lila Hope, though.” 

“Ladies, I hate to interrupt your female bonding time, but we are wasting away waiting for you to stop being weepy. Honestly, with the two sexiest men in southern California sitting twenty feet away I really don’t understand what you two have to be weepy about.” I wrap Connor up in a big hug and Jess walks inside to give us a minute.

“You’re right. We shouldn’t be weepy, because not only do we have the sexiest men, but we also have the most understanding and caring men we have ever known. I know she told you about the accident. Thank you for being there for her. I know she holds things in that she is afraid will hurt me. It wasn’t her fault, it was just an accident.” Connor kisses me on the cheek.

“She carries a lot of guilt, but she knows she isn’t to blame. I’m really sorry you had to go through that without Michael. I really, really want to kick his ass, Kate. There is nothing good that I have heard about that guy so far, but even so, he should know about his baby girl.”

“I know. I’m beginning to see that more clearly now. Daniel really helped me with that last night.”

“He loves you, Kate, like nothing I have ever seen before. He cherishes you, and when I saw that ring I knew it was perfect for you. I hope you guys are the real deal, because if for some reason it doesn’t work out with you two it might just make me stop believing in true love.” I giggle.

“Since when does play master Connor Houston believe in true love?”

“Well, it started when Ariel made it out of the sea to marry Prince Erick, and it faded somewhere around eighth grade spin the bottle where I realized I could have many Ariel’s of my own. However, most recently the belief of true love has reared its ugly head ever since watching you and my best friend prove to me that it really can happen.”