Breaking Tackles: A Taking Flight Novel (15 page)

Courtney

“Can we please have a girl’s night tonight?” I ask my friends at lunch on Friday.

“I’m in,” Willa says quickly.

“Me, too,” Sophie says. “Luke can suffer without me for a night. It’ll be good for him to miss me.”

She’s been staying the night at his place almost every night since we started school, and is rarely at the dorm. The only times Willa and I have seen her recently are during the lunch the four of us have together on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and at yoga.

“Tonight?” Kate asks. “There’s a party I wanted to go to.”

“You won’t be going until at least midnight anyway,” Willa says. “Hang out with us beforehand.”

“Okay, fine, you’ve talked me into it,” Kate says, smiling. “So what are we up to?”

“Movie night?” I suggest. “I’ll order pizza.”

“You do realize pizza has carbs, right?” Sophie asks.

“Yes,” I say pointedly. “I haven’t had any in weeks and I haven’t let myself have any cheat days. So, pizza tonight. And then I’ll get back on the diet wagon tomorrow.”

“You really think you’ll be able to go to Kansas City and not violate the no-carbs rule?” Kate asks.

“Sure,” I say. “I can have barbecue without having bread.”

“I guess that’s true,” Kate concedes. “I’m really proud of you for how well you’re doing with this diet. I would’ve caved on day two.”

“Thanks,” I say, sincerely meaning it. Dieting has been tough, but I’ve pulled through, and now that I’m used to not having carbs, I’m actually not craving them anymore. Coupled with the running, yoga, and spin, I’ve lost five pounds. I’m hoping that allowing myself the pizza tonight doesn’t completely throw me off.

I’m determined not to let it. I still need to lose about ten more pounds to get to my goal weight. Then I have to figure out how to maintain that weight and not gain any of it back.

“So what movie do we want to watch?” Willa asks.

We all throw out ideas and finally settle on a new indie rom-com that was just added to Netflix. After agreeing that everyone will meet at the dorm at eight, we finish up our lunch and head our separate ways.

Sophie walks through the door at 7:57, and says, “I made it!” when she looks at the clock. As her eyes sweep the living room she says, “I beat Kate!”

My phone rings and I head downstairs to let the pizza guy in, and as I’m paying, Kate comes walking up to the dorm entrance.

“Hey, lady,” she says, grabbing two of the pizza boxes to help me carry them. “I couldn’t have timed my arrival any better.”

“Seriously,” I say. “It would have been truly annoying if I had gotten all the way upstairs and then had to come back down to let your ass in.”

“You would’ve sent Sophie or Willa down and you know it,” she says.

“Most likely,” I say, smiling conspiratorially at her.

We take the elevator up instead of the stairs because Kate is wearing absurdly high heels. When we walk through the door Sophie yells, “Pizza!”

The four of us set in on the pizzas as if we’ve never seen food in our lives, but I limit myself to two slices.

“I was looking at a fashion blog today and saw this amazing dress by Reem Acra and all of a sudden was wondering how Ana was,” Kate says.

“She’s really good,” Willa says. “Killing it as per usual. She’s actually been dropping hints that we should all do spring break together this year.”

“That’d be fun,” Sophie says, and I agree.

“Adam will be in off season then,” Kate points out. “Maybe we can have a big reunion spring break, and get Rufus, Natalie, Dan, Luke, and Kip to come, too.”

“No Jack?” Sophie asks.

“I guess Jack can come,” Kate says begrudgingly. After the girl made the worst impression ever on all of us during spring break last year, she profusely apologized to us, but to me and Willa specifically, since she indirectly called me fat and flirted with Adam in front of me, and tried to keep Dan from getting back together with Willa. But since then she’s been really nice. Well, as nice as she’s capable of being.

“She’s been a lot better,” Willa says. “She actually emailed me the other day and asked if I’d help her with a project for a class where she has to pitch a crime show.”

“That’s perfect for you,” Sophie says. “If the FBI doesn’t work out, you could totally be a script consultant.”

Willa laughs and says, “Probably.”

“Is Dan still wanting to go into film?” I ask.

“He doesn’t know,” Willa says. “His internship wasn’t quite what he expected and it has him thinking about going in a different direction. He’s taking a graphic design class this semester to see how he likes that.”

“Good for him,” I say.

“So,” Kate says, looking at me. “Any big plans with Adam this weekend?”

“I’m finally getting to watch him play professional ball,” I say, pride swelling in my chest. “I think we’re just going to hang out and have a quiet night tomorrow. I mean, really, we’re not going to see each other all that much because he’s busy all day Sunday and we both leave Monday morning.”

“Yeah, but the two of you have a hotel room,” she points out. “You can do plenty of fun things in there.”

I blush at the implication and she continues with, “Did you buy anything sexy for him?”

My mind flashes to the wasted red lace underwear I bought for my trip to New Orleans and I freeze.

“Did I say something wrong?” Kate asks, and I realize that my face must be communicating everything I’m thinking and feeling.

“Is everything okay?” Willa asks.

Crap. I have to tell them something because my friends know me well enough to know that if I say “nothing,” I’ll be lying.

“I just hadn’t thought to do anything like that,” I say, hoping that’ll be enough to get them off my back.

“Uh-uh,” Sophie says, seeing through the lie. “There was something going on with you right then. I know that you’re private, but you can tell us anything.”

I look at my friends and know that I should be honest. So before I can talk myself out of it, I take a deep breath and say, “Adam and I haven’t had sex. Because I’m still a virgin.”

Willa’s eyebrows lift in surprise, Sophie cocks her head to the side, and Kate gasps.

“I just haven’t felt ready. I’ve tried to. When I went to New Orleans, I bought fancy underwear and thought that if I put them on and gave myself a pep talk, I’d feel sexy and ready. But I put them on and just felt like a whale, but more than that, I felt terrified of having sex with my fiancé.”

“That’s okay,” Willa says. “It just means you aren’t ready to have sex yet. Is Adam pressuring you?”

“No,” I say quickly. “No, he’s been amazing about it, actually.”

“Wait,” Kate says. “So what were you two doing when you would stay at his place all last year?”

“Making out. Actually sleeping.”

“Do you want to wait for marriage?” she asks.

“I never particularly thought I did,” I say. “I have nothing against pre-marital sex.”

“Going back to what you said about feeling sexy,” Sophie says. “Is that why you’ve been wanting to lose weight?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I’ve always known that I’m bigger than most other girls and was okay with it. But when I looked at myself when I put the underwear on, I tried to imagine what Adam saw when he looked at me and I didn’t like it.”

Sophie furrows her brow and says, “Courtney, you know that he loves you. He isn’t going to be disappointed by seeing you naked.”

“I know,” I say, even though I disagree with her. “But I was disappointed in seeing myself naked. I think I need to feel good about myself before I can let someone else see me.”

“Of course you do,” Willa says. “For the record, it’s completely fine to not be ready.”

“But shouldn’t I want to have sex with my fiancé? It shouldn’t be something that scares me, right?”

“Do you not want to sleep with him?” Sophie asks.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I say, “I definitely
want
to have sex. But any time we’ve gotten close in the past, I freak out. I think I’m actually terrified of having sex.”

All three of my friends are quiet, and I feel like I’m some sort of prudish alien.

“Were you not afraid when you had sex the first time?” I ask.

“Absolutely not,” Kate says quickly.

“I wasn’t afraid of it, “ Sophie says, “But I was definitely nervous.”

“I freaked out,” Willa says. “We went to buy condoms together and I completely, totally freaked out. But once I calmed down and reminded myself that I was in love and that sex isn’t something that’s filthy, but something that’s an expression of love, I was more at ease.”

“Have you talked to Adam about it?” Sophie asks.

“Not really,” I say. “Obviously he knows I’m not ready. But we’ve never talked about it like this. In these terms.”

“Maybe you should have the conversation,” Sophie suggests. “Just tell him point-blank that you’re really nervous and afraid of the prospect of sex, and see what he says. He adores you and wants you to be his wife—obviously sex is part of that, but you also need to be able to communicate with him. I think if you talk to him, y’all will be able to figure it out.”

“I think you just need to do it,” Kate says. “The faster you get it over with, the faster you can start getting comfortable with sex.”

“Kate,” Willa hisses, her eyes huge.

“I’ve thought about that,” I say. “But I have this mental block. I really think that I just need to get comfortable with my own body. Once I feel like I look good, I’ll be more comfortable with the idea of sex.”

“I think that’s fair,” Sophie says. “You’re already working toward that and feeling great. But I do still think that you and Adam need to talk about things.”

I nod, my mind swimming with what I should do. Should I awkwardly talk to him about all of this this weekend? Or should I keep my mouth shut, lose the weight, and then, once I’m thinner and sexier and ready, just go for it?

Though I haven’t come to any decisions, I say, “Thanks for listening. And for the advice. Now, let’s watch this rom-com and maybe I can learn a thing or two from it.”

They quickly agree, and as we watch the opening credits, I really hope that losing the weight will make me feel more ready for sex.

Because if it doesn’t, I don’t know how I’ll ever be ready.