Breaking Through (Atlanta #3) (23 page)

"Yeah. I really need to talk," she mumbled quietly.
 

"I'm on my way," Erin said. With love and sympathy in her voice, she added, "Ice cream or cookie dough?"

"Ice cream," Jenna laughed softly. "Thanks."

Jenna didn't have to wait long for her much-needed girl time. There was a definite benefit to having an emotional breakdown on a weekend…and having a best friend with a very understanding man in her life. Jenna wished Cassie could be there too, but she was off in the Catskills on her honeymoon.
 

In spite of how bleak Jenna's outlook remained, she found herself still thankful for her many blessings…like a spoonful of ice cream only half an hour after the offer.

"Thanks, Erin," Jenna said through a mouthful of espresso-chocolate-chunk. She sat on the floor of her bedroom hoping for insight. At the very least she had company and sympathy.
 

"So what's going on?" Erin asked as she dragged her spoon across the top of the open carton they shared. "Is this about Harley?"

Jenna looked at the floor and nodded. "I think we broke up."

"You
think
you did?" Erin asked. "You don't know?"

"Not really. He walked out three days ago after a…a fight? I don't even know what it was. But he hasn't called, texted, nothing."

Erin looked at her with sympathy. "Did he screw up?"

"It's more complicated than that."

"Can you tell me
anything
about him?" Erin asked encouragingly. "I know you have your reasons for keeping things quiet, but maybe if you tell me at least a little more? Maybe I can help you figure things out…"

Jenna took a deep breath and another spoonful of ice cream and looked at Erin. "I guess. I'm sorry for being so hushed about this, but the reason is important. To both of us, really. God, I know this doesn't make any sense. I'm so sorry," she whispered through a shaky voice.
 

"You don't need to worry about it," Erin assured her. "Just tell me what you can. I won't ask for anything more."

Jenna took yet another deep breath and nodded. "Thanks…so, you already know he's a dad with a two-year-old and a crazy ex. What I didn't tell you is he's got a pretty ugly situation in his past he's trying to push down and keep buried. I have no idea what it is. But he has nightmares, and every single one of them brings things closer to the surface. He's so
angry
, even though he can keep it hidden most of the time. I'm afraid if he doesn't let it go, or get help, or talk to me, or
something
, he's going to completely self-destruct. But he's stubborn."

"I know what you mean about the nightmares," Erin answered quietly. "Mine are finally gone. Marc's too. But only because we dealt with all the crap. His stopped only after Cassie forced him to confront their dad."

Jenna took another bite of ice cream and sighed. Erin patted her leg and continued, "My point is…I know what you mean, and you're right. He needs to handle it, because burying things never works. Is there other stuff going on?"

"I probably already told you too much," Jenna shook her head.
 

Erin nodded in understanding. "So what happened Thursday? Why did he walk out?"

Jenna told her as much as she could. She described the months-long patience campaign and all the moments which led up to Thursday's early morning explosion. She nearly let his name slip several times.

"That's a lot to handle, Jen. Are you sure someone like that is right for you?"

"It's not like that, Erin," Jenna protested. "I mean, yeah, he's angry, but he's got depth. I think that's why he has such a hard time with his problems. He feels everything in such a strong way. You should see him with his daughter. You should see him with me. He loves everything fiercely. And God, you should see his smile…"

"Ok, ok," Erin grinned softly. "I get it. He's worth the hassle. So, do you think you should call him? Wait for him to call?"

"That's what you're supposed to tell me," Jenna sadly chuckled. "Because I have no idea."

"Well, you know Scott and Cassie broke up for a few very awful weeks. They needed time. Maybe that's all he needs."

"Maybe. So what do you think? Should I call soon? Wait a week? I don't want to give up on him, but I don't want to nag him either. But I'm afraid if I don't call, he never will. He might be too stubborn. But I think he needs me."

"I have no idea," Erin said. "Maybe he'll come back to the clinic with his daughter?"

"Usually it's the ex who brings her in. Plus something changed this time. He was…
cold
. He didn't even look at me when he left." Tears leaked from the corners of Jenna's eyes again.
 

Even after a few days, Luke was more frustrated rather than less. Exactly three days had passed since he had any contact with Jenna, and the situation weighed heavily on his entire body. Even some insanely tough workouts at the gym hadn't eased the tension in his muscles, and certainly hadn't eased his mental strain. Marcus saw how hard he pushed himself and damn-near demanded to know what was going on.
 

Luke refused to tell him. The shame ran too deep to confess how black his heart was. The worst of it hit him on Saturday…the day he finally accepted he'd lost her. She was nothing but loving, and he walked out. He didn't deserve her anyway.

So that day at the gym, Luke punished himself even harder for the fuck-up with Jenna. She was an angel who loved him and set out to rescue him, and what did he do? He pushed her away because he was too fucking cowardly to let her in. He deserved whatever pain the gym could offer. Thank God he was sparring next with Marcus: Luke would have the chance to get his ass kicked like he deserved.
 

Luke followed him over to the blue mat, and before Marcus could get the padded helmet on, Luke took a hard swing.
 

"What the hell are you doing?" Marcus yelled as he easily blocked Luke's attempt. Luke didn't expect to actually land the punch, of course, but his goal was to piss Marcus off. He wanted someone to punish him for his darkness. Not many people would have been strong enough, but Marcus was. Luke wanted him as angry as possible.

Luke swung at him again and this time he got his wish. Marcus laid him out with one fierce blow and was on top of him in no time, pinning him to the mat. Luke wasn't done, though. One punch wasn't enough. He deserved much worse. With every ounce of his strength, he pushed Marcus away and tried to wrestle him this time.
 

"Damn it, knock it off!" Marcus yelled, easily avoiding Luke's attempted hold. Instead, obviously trying to stop him, Marcus got Luke wrapped up to where he couldn't get out of his strong grip. Luke was nowhere near done. He threw his elbow into Marcus as hard as he could. Now, Marcus was angry. About damn time.
 

"You want a fucking fight?" Marcus yelled. "Done. I'll take you down. Believe that."

By this time, everyone in the gym was watching them intently. Luke didn't care. The shame was welcomed. Hell, it was kind of the point. Marcus allowed him up and motioned him forward. Still without a word, Luke lunged and went for a left hook. Marcus, of course, blocked his punch and simultaneously landed a strong blow across Luke's jaw.
Finally
.
 

Swing after swing, Luke pushed Marcus far enough to get himself beat up. The physical pain numbed the pain in his heart to a background level. He hoped his bruises would last a long time. Luke took another swing, only to get blocked, punched, and knocked down again. He got up, went for a leg-sweep, only to have Marcus counter and get him on the floor with another strong blow to his jaw. Luke got up to attempt another hit, just to feel Marcus's fist connect with his cheekbone again. Luke needed to keep going, but he saw the look on Marcus's face. He wasn't going to put up with this much longer.
 

With little effort on Marcus's part, he hit Luke one final time, then locked him into the same submission hold as the first day he dragged Luke to the gym. Out of breath, bleeding from the lip, and throbbing in pain, Luke finally gave in. In a flat voice, he simply stated, "I'm done."

"What the hell was that about?" Marcus asked through heavy breathing. He let Luke go and sat beside him in angry confusion on the mat. He flexed his hand to ease the sting in his knuckles. "Don't ever make me do that again."

Luke got up and walked past several sets of staring eyes without a word, ready to get his gym bag out of his locker and head to his tiny apartment. No pain killers, no ice. Unfortunately, he wouldn't be able to. Marcus followed him to the locker room.
Damn it
. Luke should have known Marcus wouldn't let this go, but he hadn't thought far enough ahead.
Fuck
.

When they got to the otherwise empty locker room, Marcus straddled the bench and rested his elbows on his knees. Luke dropped his forehead to the faded blue locker and shook his head. "Don't bother, Marcus. I'm going home."

"Like hell you are," Marcus barked a little too loudly. "You don't get to walk away after trying to take me down."

"I got what I wanted, now I'm done."

"Yeah, well I'm not. I gave you the fight, now you owe me. Tell me why you felt the need to get your ass kicked, because I know you weren't trying in there."

Luke sighed through his swollen lip, knowing Marcus wouldn't let up. He'd have to tell him at least something or he'd be trapped in the locker room indefinitely.

"Look. It's not much," Luke lied. "Just blowing off steam."

"Right," Marcus said sarcastically. "And I'm a fucking ballerina."

"Fine! I've been seeing this girl for a few months now, and she's amazing. She thinks she loves me, but I fucked things up. I hurt her and pushed her away. I even think I scared her. I didn't want to, but I had to walk away. If I hadn't, I know I'd end up hurting her worse at some point. She deserves better."

"The same girl from before? You're still a fucking idiot," Marcus said, shaking his head. "If you've got a good woman who loves you, you don't walk away. She could be your difference. If you don't want to hurt her, then step up. Stay with her and
don't hurt her
. Simple."
 

"IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING SIMPLE!" Luke shouted as he whipped around to stare down his would-be therapist.

Marcus got up in his face and spoke in a threatening calm. "You are a goddamn mess. If you don't pull your shit together soon, you're going to explode and lose everything. LET. IT. OUT."

In an equally threatening whisper, Luke seethed, "FUCK. YOU."

"Damn it, Luke! You've got to talk! Give it up, man. This won't get any better and I don't want you to go down. Grow a pair and tell me what keeps you so damn angry!
Now,
Luke."

Luke started to shake. He didn't deserve anything to get better, and Marcus was dangerously close to starting a real fight. "Get out of my way, Marcus."

"What about
her
? You lose her and it's downhill from there. Believe that. What's it going to take to get you to man up?"

Luke had nothing to say. Marcus was probably right, but that made no difference. He wouldn't bring his ugly poison to Jenna's door any longer. Luke stared at Marcus, waiting for this confrontation to be over.

Marcus muttered a frustrated "fuck" and walked toward the locker room door. He stopped and put his hands on his head for a moment. He dropped them down again as he turned around slowly to look at Luke.
 

"You're still a goddamn idiot. Call her." With nothing more to say, Marcus walked out of the locker room, leaving Luke by himself, his head against the dented metal of his locker.
 

Marcus was the goddamn idiot if he thought Luke would put himself back in Jenna's life. Luke
couldn't
call her. She needed someone without all this dark baggage, and Luke planned to convince himself he needed nothing more than the gym. If he told himself that long enough, maybe he'd believe his own bullshit. He spun around and slammed the heel of his hand against his locker, denting it again.

He could only imagine how badly he hurt Jenna that heinous morning. But still, he couldn't help but feel he did her a favor by walking out. Someone as sweet as his angel shouldn't have to put up with an asshole like him. She deserved much better than a man who would trap her against a door and nearly strike her.
I'm such a bastard
. The scene from early morning Thursday played out over and over in his mind like another damn nightmare as he walked to his little apartment, well-bruised and throbbing from his fight with Marcus.
 

And he missed her. Desperately. Her caring, sweet nature calmed him more than he realized until he didn't have her beautiful influence anymore. He was going to lose everything like Marcus predicted, even little Sophie if this kept up.
Fuck
. He didn't want to lose anything. He wanted to keep Sophie and protect her. He wanted Jenna back. He wanted to hear the
I love you
she so freely shared with him…the
I love you
he never returned, even though he did love her. Down to his ugly core. He should have told her. She deserved to know, but now it was too late.
 

And knowing how much he needed her, he had to see her, if only from a distance. He refused to plague her with his darkness anymore. But still, he needed to see her face and know she was ok, and he need to see her face so
he
would be ok. Her shift at the children's clinic on Monday would be the his best chance, and he knew he'd be the damn stalker he didn't want to be. Still, he had to see her.

The next week on Monday, Erin and Cassie dragged Jenna out for lunch. Not only did Cassie want to tell them about her amazing honeymoon, but also they needed to see how Jenna was doing and find out how things were going with Harley. Jenna appreciated her friends so much, but thinking about Luke so specifically was difficult. She missed him so much, and she was angry at him for giving up. She had enough gumption to get through her days without being a zombie now, but her heart still hurt. How could he let go of everything they had?