Breathe (21 page)

‘
Sara is finished with the painting, aren’t you?’ Julia cut in. They where both looking at me; one expecting, the other disappointed. I gave Christopher my plate, even though I doubted I could eat anything. I knew Julia didn’t like me. I knew Christopher wanted us to get along. And I knew all of this was too complicated for me to handle. How could I ever imagine that I could cope with this?

‘
Yes, I saw your text message,’ Christopher said, still looking at me. ‘Are you really done? Already?’

‘
I think so,’ I managed to answer, and took a small sip of my lemonade before continuing. ‘But I can change something if your not happy with it.’

‘
I took a quick peek before I got here. It looks fantastic. I wouldn’t want to change a thing, although I wished you would drag it out a little more, I would love to stay and watch you paint.’ He winked at me. ‘Have you seen it?’ he turned to Julia and asked.

‘
Only from a distance’ she said, lacking the enthusiasm Christopher seemed to have.

‘
It is of the garden, isn’t it?’ he asked me.

‘
Yes, mainly,’ I acknowledge ‘I took your garden as the main theme.’ The picture contained of colourful shapes in orange, green and yellow, with visible tree shapes and leafs and flowers, and a big yellow sun shining through leafs. I had also hidden a few human shapes, but they were so diffuse that most people wouldn’t see it unless they studied the piece. I wondered if Christopher would see it.

‘
But I didn’t recognise the phrase. Where did you get it?’

‘
What phrase?’ Julia interrupted before I could respond, surly just because she wanted to be included in the conversations. I doubted she cared.

‘
It’s from
The secret Garden
,’ I answered Christopher, ignoring Julia. But she didn’t budge.

‘
Oh! I used to love that book when I was younger. What phrase did you use?’

It was Christopher who answered, and I was a little impresse
d that he remembered it word-by-word.

‘
It is the sun shining on the rain and the rain falling on the sunshine.’

‘
Yes. It’s when Mary explains to Colin what spring is like.’ I smiled. And they talk about keeping secrets, having their own special place to watch something grow and become alive. I thought it was fitting, but I didn’t want to discuss this with Julia present. I could see in Christopher’s eyes that he wanted to ask me more about the meaning, but Julia interrupted him.

‘
I want to have a party,’ she proclaimed. We broke eye contact and turned to her, not sure where this was heading.

‘
You know, for the unveiling,’ she continued, while dipping some bread in the sauce. I didn’t understand what she meant. Unveiling? Was she talking about my picture? I heard myself giggle by the absurdity.

‘
Do you mean unveiling Sara’s painting?’ Christopher asked, and my giggle abruptly stopped. I knew it was a stupid idea, but shouldn’t I be insulted that Christopher seemed to think so too?

‘
While, of course,’ Julia smiled. ‘It is something to show of, don’t you think? And it has been so long since we had a party here, it’s really about time. And it will be good exposure for Sara.’

I didn’t like the sound of that. Christopher reached for my hand and squeezed it without looking away from Julia.

‘I don’t think… Sara would probably not enjoy… She wouldn’t want to be in the spotlight among our friends…’ he tried, coming to a hold at each sentence. He looked at me for help, but I was more concerned why he seemed reluctant. I mean, there was no way I would go along with it, but was he ashamed of me? I knew we couldn’t express our affection for each other in front of other people, but was it really so terrible that I should meet his friends?

‘
Oh, come on, it will be fun,’ Julia chippered. ‘It could be a real carrier jump for her. We can invite Martha and Steward, you now she always spends too much money on art. And Andrew of course, and maybe McRoy and that blond of his, what’s her name? Celia something. And I had promised Kylie Hale we would get together, so this would be a good excuse. Maybe the Robertson, if they are back from…’

Christopher cut in.
‘I really don’t think Sara would be comfortable…’ He still wasn’t able to finish the sentence. I started to feel bad for him, I had to bail him out.

‘
Chris is right. I’m not having an unveiling,’ I said flatly, taking my hand away from Christopher and placing it in my lap. I didn’t look at either of them.

‘
Well, we don’t have to call it an unveiling, just a dinner to introduce her,’ Julia said, ignoring me and focusing on Christopher. ‘I really want to have a party. How about next weekend? Can we arrange it before you leave for Texas?’

He was leaving again?
Was this supposed to be my life? Hanging around waiting, having embarrassing conversations with his wife, being parade in front of his friends (that is if Christopher ever finds me suitable enough). My mind was occupied with thoughts of my choices, my future, my life. I heard them discuss in the background, dates, and trips and plans a head. He hadn’t even told me he was leaving for Texas. For how long? He was always coming and going, stepping in and out of my life and flipping it up side down. Then I heard Christopher mention my name and how it might not be the best idea that I was presented to their friends yet. It made me break out of my own little bubble.

‘
You know what?’ I interrupted them. ‘You can have your party or unveiling or whatever. I’m not going to be a part of it. As a matter a fact, I’m leaving today, so you can do what ever you want.’

‘
No, please,’ Christopher said, reaching for my hand again. I wouldn’t give it. ‘You don’t have to leave just because the painting is done. Nobody but us knows it’s done. I want you to stay a bit longer.’

Julia just leaned back, glaring at him, not bothered to cover up her feelings on the matter.

‘No, Chris.’ I said. ‘This is too weird. I can’t stay here. I’m leaving today.’

‘
Please, Sara. Just a couple of more days.’

‘
Oh, for heavens sake, Christopher. Just pay the girl what you owe her for the picture, and throw in a bonus too, she obviously earned it,’ Julia sniggered.

I gasped at her words and felt my cheeks turned red.
That pushed me over the edge. I did not deserve to be treated like a whore. I shoved the chair back and walked to the door. I didn’t want to stay in this house another minute.

I could hear Christopher’s voice as I walked through the door:
‘Really, Jules? Was that really necessary?’ 

I could feel the tears springing up as I reached the top of the stairs and into my room. My suitcase was ready, but I needed to calm myself be
fore I headed back down stairs. She really, really hated me. I took a deep breath and stared outside on the rain. The garden looked as beautiful in the rain as it does in the sunshine. I knew as soon as I saw it that this was to be my motive for the picture. I didn’t use any of my sketches. Despite that, I had finished the painting in record time. There was no reason for me to stay, I knew it and Julia knew it. It shouldn’t surprise me how she felt, and I shouldn’t let it bother me. I knew what I was getting into, and I should have known better. Life doesn’t need this kind of complications. I had enough. Enough of feeling guilty, cheap, insufficient, uninformed and unimportant. I was done.

The door opened, and I knew it was Christopher before he laid his arms around my waist, and pulled me against his chest. I dried my eyes with my fingers, feeling embarrassed and angry at the same time.

‘Don’t leave,’ he whispered in my ear. I couldn’t control the tingling down my spine when I felt his breath along my neck, and I felt betrayed by my own body. I had missed him so much. But I wasn’t ready to stop being mad. I tried to get out of his grip and move away, but he didn’t let go of me.

‘
Please, Chris. Let go. I need to leave.’

‘
No, you can’t leave. Not like this. She didn’t mean anything of it. If you can just come back downstairs, so she can apologize. She didn’t mean for it to sound like it did.’

The hell she did. She had been playing me in every
word she had ever spoken to me. No way was I going back to take more shit. Instead of answering him, I tried to break free of his embrace, but it was only half-hearted. I had ached for his touch for days, and my body wanted him no matter how upset my mind was.

‘
Sara, stop,’ he said, and turned me around. I lowered my face so he wouldn’t see that I had been crying. He saw it anyway, and kissed my forehead and tugged me closer.

‘
Yes, she did cross the line. You need to understand that she has had a rough week. This is not how she usually behaves.’

‘
Oh, you mean she doesn’t usually call your mistresses whores?’ I hissed, not able to keep it down. He lifted my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes.

‘
Stop it. She didn’t mean it like that. And you are neither. I think of you as my girlfriend. My only girlfriend.’

‘
I would think that you would call a girl once in a while if she was your girlfriend,’ I muttered, fighting to still stay angry. I wasn’t ready to let it go yet.

‘
Is this what this is about? You are leaving because I didn’t call you enough when I was away?’

‘
No,’ I confessed. ‘Never mind. It doesn’t matter. I need to leave. I can’t stay in this house with the two of you. I can’t stay in the same house as her.’

‘
I’m sorry I didn’t call. It’s just so hard to hear your voice and be so far away. And it’s hard to not say the things I want to say, because I know it’s a possibility that someone else can overhear us. And there were always people around me. I promise you I missed you every second I was away.’

‘
Well, can you at least send a text to let me know you’re alive?’

‘
So, you’re not breaking up with me?’

Like I ever could. I should have, but I didn’t have the strength.
‘I am happy with every moment of your time you give me. But I can’t stay here. Not now or ever. Can you please get Charles to take me home?’

‘
But I need you to stay,’ he said, and pulled me closer, ‘just for a couple of days.’ His arms where stroking my back and below, and I lay my face against his neck, inhaling his scent.

‘
No,’ I tried, but I could feel my determination falter. I couldn’t help it, I was too weak. He had all the power over me, and I couldn’t hold on to my anger anymore. I realized as he held me that I was in too deep. This wasn’t an innocent crush, or a fling, or me being star struck. I really loved him.

His lips stroked mine carefully.
‘Stay,’ he whispered in my ear, moving his lips down my neck. I shivered all over. ‘A few more days,’ he continued. My breathing was becoming ragged, I couldn’t think straight. I felt intoxicated. It has been so long. He made me backtrack against the bed, and lay on top of me, still kissing my neck. My hands gripped his head, pulling him closer. His fingers found the knot to my dress behind my neck and untied it. I didn’t have a bra, and his mouth found my nipple, making me gasp. Then a loud knock came at the door, breaking the trance. We ignored it the first time, but when we heard the door open, Christopher got off and faced the intruder. I sat up, and held my dress up to cover myself.

‘
What?’ Christopher growled, taking a step towards Anna, making her backtrack into the hall.

‘
I’m sorry, sir,’ she muttered. ‘Julia asked me to go upstairs and see if everything was ok…’ Her voice trailed off at the end when she saw me at the bed, and felt Christopher’s irritation.

‘
Julia made you come up here?’ He snarled.  

I had never seen Anna so insecure.
‘Yes, sir. She said… eh… She said Sara seemed upset, and told me to check on her. I didn’t know you where here. I’m sorry sir.’ I could literary see her shrink in size.

‘
Unbelievable,’ he muttered through clenched teeth, ‘she is amazing. After all these years….’ He turned back and looked at me. I was still on the bed, frozen. I didn’t understand his mood change. Yes, it was stupid of her to send Anna up to interrupt us, because I was sure Julia had done that on purpose. But Christopher seemed to fume with anger. And he seemed to direct it towards Anna, and this wasn’t her fault.

‘
I’m ok, Anna. Thank you.’ I said calmly from the bed. I liked Anna, she didn’t deserve this.

‘
Yes, Anna’ Christopher chimed in, more composed now. But I could still hear the ice when he continued. ‘You can run back down to her and tell her that everything is fine. Actually, tell her everything is fantastic. Cancel my appointments for tomorrow, and take the rest of the day off.’

He shot the door without waiting for an answer. I was still on the bed, afraid to move, but when he came towards me, I stood up and took a step back.

‘I’m sorry about that,’ he said, reaching one hand towards me.